This Morning I got to writing a dear friend I have back in San Diego..
His Name is Royer.. I truly love this guy.. As a true friend... We have no strings attached what so ever.. He was also born in Los Angeles and if you see us together it is very obvious.. We have that lil L.A attitude.. Which I am proud of.
He calls me, leaves me phone messages and can make me laugh and laugh. He also is often sad.
It may just be a Los Angeles affect.
  My head seems to be in shambles lately
and I have not been able to do much reading, writing or sketching. And I am just not being productive..
I feel my blood literally speeding through my vains from head to toe.. and It makes me very dizzy..
Roy brings a smile to my face.I have wonderful family. I guess we are all well.
Yet, I feel I can never ever be enough.Not a good feeling at all.I may need a doctors appointment.Uggg, I am findiing it hard to find a purpose that I would like to achieve..For nothing is bringing me much joy.For I have done a lot in my life and seem to be living on memories.Yet, It has been hard for me to laugh out loud as I can only remember the times. I am not one to put up a front.. I really never have had to play the "game"..
I have always been streight forward and march!
See I feel as if I am being given a option to live or to die. and I want both.
Like when someone yells at you calls you the worst names ever calls you Stupid! then Offers you French apple pie and ice cream... I love pie and ice cream...=(

Yes yes, all is going to be ok. For I know Life goes on.and I can make things happen.
Oh I shall be ok.. I am a worrier,And I can only remember, all I have been through.. All I have gotten myself out of.All for the sake of family.
Family is sooo important.. and we all just seem to be floating at the time..
Doing this that and well there is just not a home that I am proud of.
I keep hearing the words of my eldest daughter some years back..I had just seperated from my ex and rented a house in Chula Vista..
My prodigal daughter came back, and she sobbed and cried.. saying that "It felt like home."
I was so proud to hear her say that!
I guess it all goes back to when I was a kid.. I was the one putting ornaments on special occasions My family was nuts! and it all now just tadly reminds me of my family growing up..

Again, I lost it all.
I just hate being so wishy washy

How can I stop thinking this way!? When I remember being strong, Hell I think I may have even shifted the future! Not only in a bad way.. But mostly good.

Wow If only I could just fly!

I really need some refreshment to my soul..
Yet, I know that I could not possibly return to religion.Yet it scares me to be put in my place.. I hate to be forced! I do and I shall always believe that there is a God.I am not Atheist.
How could I be? How could I possibly deny it all.
The miracles.. There really was miracles....Wow
How could I possibly be so ungrateful.. God has been good to me. No doubt!.
Maybe my eyes could see so much back then.
Yeah I remember this time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U
Haha when I was a kid I squint my eyes to see particles in the air. when ever I would hear this song....
See...being into religion did help and I was able to grow up and see many things..
Yet it was always a struggle..and I hate constantly being a the same routine..
I am a Gypsy! I am not predictable..I like being spontanoius.. So why the shambles, dammit!
Well,
What I do not see as loving is the competition there is within religions, the separating of Ideas and families and condemnation they all seem to oppose to. Anything that this world can offer.I am talking about Achievments. Religions form a guilt trip that crushes our very most intellectual idea of making a rational move to better ourselves in this life.
Sad.
Yet, I am here writing this.There are just to many people to many Ideas, The I am smarter and wittier then you trip,yes the power trip.
I say live and let live.. yes, I like that saying..
I just had to write.
I am fed up of being so down about, how I was treated. Or how I am now.I must snap out of it.
Chop Chop! as someone just recently told me.
Yet, I just can never hate nor could I possibly send bad Karma to anyone. Unless they have commited the Mortal Sin..
I will never tolerate abuse.

So I was talking to my friend Royer.
He sent me a message saying things he would say and die for when he was a teenager growing up in the Barrio Of Los Angeles..He really made me laugh and think , but I know he is not well at the time.
His momma just passed away.. and he is feeling just as I did when my mom passed on. LOST!MAD yet hopeful.
What came to my mind to share with him were words written John Lennons words that I often turn to...

"People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,"

See there are only times when I feel there is only so much we can do.
As I, at this time.

I guess I will never be alright in my eyes.

I don't know, maybe there will be more memories that bring me happiness.

But I am not holding my breath.:)

Life is to short.. yet it just seems like forever for me.Just not short enough.. At this moment!
with my luck...I shall most likely live to be a 101!

Yes, my life is what I make it..
All I need is the strength!

literally!.=/

I just have to let it go.
See, what is up with....me!
Smile, shake the dirt and move on.. I have done this and will,
I must!.
I feel so so very bad about this. I just do not seem to care about myself. I can easily be taken advantage of.
Grrr so easy can I just be trampled walked on spit on.
metaphorically speaking.

My best to the loves of my life.
I don't have to many.
But they are HUGEMONGUS!

3 lovely freaks in Christmas hats smiling! Haha That is Ironic, believe me.

They have to be my inspiration once again.
and well have been. So, what the fuck marisela!?

I passed the freaken Test!

http://activerain.com/image_store/uploads/6/9/1/9/9/ar121070857599196.jpg/

Oh My Gosh, Just getting home...The Boys are safely with their mother.. I loved having them over and being able to have them in my life..
It is amazing how much one can love there family...

Wow It is crazy being at the airport.. They make you take off even your shoes...
and well I had some slip ons and I was barefoot while they checked us out...
It feel like a Violation!... Not so shabby.
  Well we went into the waiting area and I could tell Isaiah and Jeremiah were just nervous and confused...

Yet once they think about all they have done here...
Well I am hoping they will see all the fun we had...
It truly is amazing to see their love.
Ramon was hating it. Yet, by the time we got back to Anaheim the boys called to let us know they had gotten home safely...
Good Ol Southwest Airlines..

I cooked up a nice Dinner...I made some camarones a la diabla, some nice sauteed veggie and white rice..

We also have Suchi! Oh I love when you get that wasabi sensations In your nose and throat.:) yummmm
All In all Its been about Family today..

Oh yeah Ramon really needs to visit moms grave..
He really does! I hope he really considers it..
Well I do to come to think about it...

Wow we all got to looking at old pictures...

Anyhow Im off to bed it is late here....

I do not even know where to begin, So I'll just say what I shall be doing today..
I am gathering all my family pictures Including my mothers and I am going to Anaheim to spend this last day of summer vacation with their dad.. haha Yeah, My Nephews Jeremiah and Isaiah.. haha and yes I surely know how his name is spelled, I remember his daddy asking my mom and I how it is spelled..
They are lovely and I love them so much..
I see that loving strong kind heart in both there eyes and I certainly can feel their warmth..
It's Family..:)
I shall be taking them to the Airport this evening.
I'll miss them very much..
Isaiah has taken way to many pictures of me.
and Has asked me oh so much about family.. and me.
I suppose leaving him so many signs around when he was a little guy helped him to know how to keep in contact with me.
He said he hated spaghetti, and I said No way! You love Auntie Mari's spaghetti...
Haha He was like 4 years old.. Now he is 10. When he got here he asked me to make him spaghetti...
Wow, It's the little things that matter most.
Jeremiah has talked about being a male nurse. And well yes, this is where I believe is his calling..
After all the pain and suffering he went through with the cancer when he was a little guy, is why, I believe he has such an open, loving personality.
See, I have learned that it is best when we pay it forward.. Yes, and well he is strong smart and kind hearted.
I had taken them both to Redondo beach.
We had a wonderful time. Well I believe that he has a calling to pay forward.

Cheers to Family!

Looking for Job!
Finished what I started concerning school.
I have no money I am broke as a joke!
Yet, I get what I deserve?
Yeah , I am doing what I want.
Somehow, So No regrets!
I want to take up psychology
in the fall,
and A catering class too.
My luck has not changed for the good,
It made a slight turn. Yet I am well.
I love the people around me.
And Yes...I am Happy I have my family.
I love you all.

So throw that shit away Marisela!
Can I write, and be understood.

To know me is to love me.

DAMN!

Wow Why Should I sell myself short... There is really no need and this is how I need to sell myself... I have, even been called their Star... :)
So, I do have all the qualifications that I have stated and I am not lying...
So, Why should I fret!?
All I have to do is speak up...
Yes, there may be cute little ditsy chickies that still have oh so much to learn.. But, if those in need, need certain qualifications and it is a good type of thing going on..
Well, I need not fret.. All I have to do is make MY statement and let them know just who I am and how loyal I have and can be. I would like to just do what I do best. And Can;)
Yes, I may not stay forever.. For Nothing last forever..But I always want to do better.Is all..
Yet, all I pray is for the courage to speak up!.
Oh why do I get so shy at first!?
Uggg
My down fall.

Thank you my lil lioness!
You never seize to amaze me and help me see my worth.

http://www.rossde.com/unemployed/unempl_overqual.html

Soooo Back to the old ball game! :)

Batter Up!

I would say that love living and having gone through so much can only posibly take us to a more gratifying life..
Many are not privledged.. I am very fortunate to have caught this at this time.. I still have a good 40!!!!! Eeek (Had to Edit here)!! haha years to go...
Being in the middle of my life yet having done it all.. The family thing.. the being a wife mother and daughter.. I still am here learning more then ever to cope..
So I read.. I love to read.
I got to thinking just now of a book that helped me very much..
It is Called Sage-ing while Age-Ing...
It was written by Shirley Maclaine
and one of the things I love about this women is that she is firm to the point and positive..
Something I need...
It is hard for me to look upon my very own good..
I get all shambled up in my own feeling...
Yet I have learned many new tricks for that..
and well one of the things that helped were Shirley MacLaines life..
I mean she has been a strong and very opened minded women.. Something I need rubbing my shoulder upon..
I mean wow Take a look at something she said that just motivated me so very much...

        "As I look back over my life, as my mind wanders freely over how I’ve lived and loved and protested and questioned, I realize that aging well isn’t about the search for happiness, but more about quietly feeling content with what I’ve experienced. Loving without caring too much, you might say. And more than anything, I’ve come to appreciate the value of conflict. Everything isn’t always meant to be light and love. The dark times, the conflicts, that’s where real learning can happen."
-Shirley MacLaine, Sage-Ing While Age-Ing; Atria Books, p. 4, copyright 2007.

Great words from a wonderful women...
It is not always about being Happy.

http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20080513/i/r2233332997.jpg?x=400&y=258&sig=NQ5PjXDB_TlMqA15dcrkzw--

Isn't is Amazing how life is... This Morning I was driving back from Anaheim, I dropped Joshua off to work.. and As I drove over my way to Long Beach.. I see a lovely horizon! Inspiring...
Yet, just yesterday afternoon I was talking with Erica and telling her that It surely did feel manic from the minute I opened my eyes and all day...The air just felt toxic somehow.. Then I heard about the people In China.. how they had suffered a 7 pointer earth quake... My Gosh! what a tragedy.....:(
Then, I get home come to the computer and was reading all about it.... Then, I was talking to a friend that I have he lives in Argentina... He was going to have surgery... Then we get to talking about life and death.. Immediately, I think of all the lives that were robed by this tragic freak of nature...
It makes me wonder , why these things happen..
Is it a instinct the earth has to protect itself (earth)... I mean, is it a way to keep a balance!?!
Or, How can a God, do such a terrible thing.. I mean there was 5000 children that were dead in a school and they are still counting!
I just feel confused..
here I am hoping this friend one friend, will be ok.. That mine and all those that I am close and love to to just live and be morally happy... and then something like this happens..:(
I do not understand.it is so unfairly wrong to have to suffer so much in such a lovely planet. I felt it the moment I woke up!I had a terrible tummy ache for no reason!
It surely was a Manic Monday...May 12th 2008....

People worry and fight for animal rights...
Some, many people hate because of this.. Yet we must live and let live...
We must be nice to the animal Killer..
because,to think that this sort of person can be loving and compassionate with their spouses and children? Wow they to must make a living!.....That somehow it is all a balance?
We are used to having everything done and prepackaged.
That War will always exist!?
No matter what.. Just because, it is in out nature....
Wow!
That sure is a lot to swallow.

We all worry so much for so many insignificant things in our life..Yet, where is our compassion and deep understanding of things that truly matter!
No wonder so many have kidney stones or gallbladder infections..Uggg I wonder if this is why my tummy hurts as well...=/.
We pressure ourselves and I guess worry and torture ourselves a little (A lot!)too much!

Yet, we hardly ever pinpoint the real problem.
True love respect and compassion.
Or maybe face the reality of it all.. Only for power.
we all want power, somehow...Force!...=/
=(
Wow, We surely are complicated..

I want to Thank Erica for all her love and concern and for being a spectacular compassionate young women...
She Is intelligent and oh so very bright..
I have a lovely daughter, yes, I do.
I wish her all the right moves...Literally....:)
She wants to dance Like Snoop hmm or Justin!
haha...
And Vanessa well I hope her toe is better..
and Joshua...Well He made it to work on time!
Woohoo!

Life is so good.. Yet We are truly privileged...
I mean It really can make us or should make us appreciate our lives just a little more today..... 12000!
we truly should not complain.

I always say one person is precious enough.

I'll consider my life precious, today.

I have been so fortunate to have the people that have been in my life the past 5 years...
I love them all and will always cherish the good times....
The weather is nice and life just goes on..
At times I wish the were past and many times I hope for new adventures..
I have grown to be my own self..
And I am very happy with me.
I am seeing so many coming along in life and have been very fortunate to have so many that through the years I did not think we would ever see these days..
It just goes to show what caring can all be about!:)
Life surely is to short.. when we have learned so much we expire...
Shoot but till then I am happy to be a strong women with a lovely family
Life is freaking good today!

I have so many in my mind and they are engraved in my heart.. I'd love to grab a star and give each one of you a bright shiny star!:)
hahahaha
Oh now I am getting corny in my thinking here!! haha
Well I am off for the night.
I shall have a good weekend.
Yikes! I hope! :)

I did not work out today this is why...=/
haha;) :) cool........................

I have often wondered about life and living and about having had a past life..
What I am living now and why such karma , coincidences happen.
Why, I see a bird and when I am mile away I so happen to see this same bird around, why?
Why, I have often thought about someone and something pops up their name a phone call I see something that I have to buy, because of it......
I am sitting somewhere and I feel a familiar air hit my face..
Sometimes even caresses me...
Why, was there truly an earthquake (yes and earthquake when my mother passed..) If others would have not been there and seen and felt it for themselves I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it.
Why, after my mothers death I came to realize many things that I had to confront.
I will not take any medications unless I am the one willing to give myself as a guinea pig in order to lose weight! haha
I do not by any means trust doctors.. They are a government of their own.. and daily there are at least a couple of thousand of people dieing.. In this country alone.. The United States!...
Doctors are no longer familiar people in our lives that want to practice their Art of helping our lives be better!
Instead, they are willing to feed you by force to eat all these legal drugs that have done what they had to , yet they keep feeding them to you because You have insurance to cover and legally make you "feel better" ... Yet because you needed and took this medication for so long, Now you need this other to cure what this first drug has done to your body! If it does not kill you.

Sickening!

There are few folks that are real and want to help..
Many people that have lived have had an outstanding reason to live.. and They have openly practiced their form of Art...

Nice!
I have had the pleasure to have met a few good people..
and have truly made a difference in my life..
and I am truly appreciative...

Yet, I shall keep looking and trusting my own instinct and be courageous as a Lion..

I have in my mind and heart and in person such as a lion..
I am down to one.......
I shall hold steadfast just because I need this lion yet I know that this lion needs me as well..
This Lion keeps me grounded and real..
Open to life love and reality.

We all truly need someone to Love...

Numbers,Painting, Sketching,Nature, Animals,Insects,Colors,
Air,Smells....
My Body pressure and how I make others feel as I sit right next to them ..
Or even say I am here for.

If I matter and see this to be so.. I truly believe we all have a part to play.

Fuck Monopoly.......

Although I do like to play the real game...=/
hmph!

"Men invented time to feel comfortable in space, But It actually doesn't actually exist ALL experience is happening at once"
Einstein