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Thursday September 17, 09
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04:38 PM - Departure
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I can see from the look on your face that you were not expecting this. My latest revelation in a stream of thousands. You can usually take whatever I throw at you, but this last one is, I realise, below the belt. A flash of pain and anger crosses your grey-green eyes and then you simply crumple right in front of me onto the sofa, like all the breath has been sucked out of you. I was wrong, not all the air has gone from your body. You exhale slowly, and gasp, dragging the air in again, painfully. It is like watching someone dying. You are dying right in front of me, and I am the killer. My words the murder weapon.
“Why?”
The question comes out in such a way that it is almost inaudible. Pitiful even.
I am at a loss for what to say. How do I explain this single act that will destroy our lives as they now stand and change the dynamic of our family forever?
I simply shake my head. I have nothing more to say to you. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how it came to pass, or how I find myself here, in front of you. I know that you were not to blame. That I was never fair to you from day one, but I cannot express this and you will not be able to accept it.
Perhaps you will believe yourself at fault. You will shoulder the blame for my indiscretions, as you have done so many times before. But this is different. This is not like the time I deliberately spat in your mother’s dinner before serving it up to her that Christmas when she insulted you for your choice of gift. I have still not told you about that. But I was younger then, and fiercely loyal. And very drunk. God, we were drunk that year. But then we spent a large part of our twenties very drunk, didn’t we pet?
We are not in our twenties any more.
I am a woman who masks her age with hair dye and make up. You are a man with a middle aged spread and a love of comfortable slippers. And together, despite the rows about whose turn it is to put out the rubbish, we are content.
No, you were content and I was... something else.
Someone else perhaps.
I thought I was someone else. Someone who would act now and deal with the consequences later.
Well this is later and now I have to deal with the consequences.
I pick up my bag, tighten the belt on my coat and straighten my hair in the mirror to the left of me. I look you straight in the eye and murmur, “sorry” and then I turn and walk out of the door.
He is standing at the top of the stairs. His little face streaked with tears. He is too young to understand the implications of this, but he knows that something is dreadfully wrong. I cannot look at him. I know he is there, but if I turn and see him, I will turn into a pillar of salt and not be able to move forwards.
The total numbness I had felt inside me is replaced by a gut wrenching agony. How could a mother leave her only child? I want to be sick. I am a monster. I am beyond monstrous. But still, I walk forwards, turn the latch and step out into the cold October night.
My breathe hangs in the air and by it I know that I am alive.
I am free. I am leaving you, I am leaving him and I am free.
I never wanted any of this. I don’t know how it happened. Save from not thinking ahead and just trusting that this was it. This was what my life was supposed to be.
I know; I am the most selfish person you’ve ever met. Your mother was right about me all along. The smug old bag can die happy now and she can delight in poisoning our child against me.
But my darling, I hope one day you will realise I had no option but this.
That is a lie.
I have always had options, but I didn’t want to take them, because I knew what it meant.
So instead I lived a lie. Stayed with you, my greatest friend, instead of letting you be happy with someone else. I think you always knew my heart wasn’t in it.
Perhaps you really knew more of who I was than I did.
And that’s why I couldn’t say anything to you tonight, other than that I was leaving. I think, by the morning, you will have realised everything.
You always thought she was dangerous. You were right. She awakened thoughts in me I’d tried to bury. She didn’t push me. I wanted to jump in to it. It was fun, it was dangerous, it was exciting. All the things we’d been, such a long time ago. But there was something different too. It was desire, and that was always missing with you. I loved your company, but never your body. Did you know?
I think sometimes I saw it in your eyes.
There was a time, four years ago, when something nearly happened with someone else. But I held myself back. Then, when she started working at the firm… I was in a state. Butterflies in my stomach when she walked by. And I just knew.
Oh God. How could I let it come to this?
I realise I have been standing outside our front door now for nearly five minutes. Just staring blankly ahead, eyes open, but not seeing. I imagine you are still in the chair. Are your fists clenched? Are you angry, or just defeated?
One step in front of the other, I walk along the path, open the gate and out into the street.
Her car is parked a short way up.
I am torn between two worlds. The old familiar existence I have sheltered in for so long, and the new possibility of who I might become. I am under no illusions about the long term chance of she and I. She doesn’t represent an alternative version of what I have left behind. She represents all the possibilities I rejected in the past.
I am very frightened.
But this is it.
I open the passenger door and get in.
(19/09/09)
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Oh,do not be so hard on yourself..
We all go through and make some shitty decisions that may take us to feeling ashamed.
Don't!
A mean person is someone that intentionally hurts someone else.
We all make mistakes..
But Never, never regret what you do or how you deside to spend your precious time.
Always, love with a passion.
Believe what others tell you and know if they really mean it.
My Mom would always tell me that there is a time to speak up.
Wait, and be patient. Only then shall the situation come to you.
When it does. Then deal with it.
I have always seen you around this journal , this website.
You seem funny witty, smart and very careing.
You'll be aok..
We all have to bounce back.
It is just that at times we seem to judge ourselves to harshly.
Only because someone else chose what you did not choose.This does not make you mean.
You made your decisions.
Work with your life.
Make amends with those you love. It is best..
It is even good to say sorry to even those we might have hurt along the way.Or even an enemy..
it can only bring good results. For no good intention can spread a bad vibe.
Take the lead,you can only feel better.
You seem like a bright and intelligent young women.
I hope you have a wonderful life..
No matter what choices you make..
If it makes you happy.
Then jump for it.
It is very hard to find any happiness, during such hard times..
Know how to use your emotions.
We all have them, as we are only human.
Do not let your heart become callus, be quick and be witty so as feel,believe others even if you do not trust..Your heart has to be as soft as a baby skin.
We tend to not listen for some crazy reason. But if you have this on mind. It will and can only work out for the best.
It is good you speak up and think about it.
Yeah, We should be alright.
With no regrets..No regrets Kitty.
"There are no problems only solutions"
Yeah, John Lennon was a lyrical Genius.
haha I always say Morrissey is aswell.
Wow that was a long time ago! haha
"Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them theres no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if Ive lost my mind
I tell them theres no hurry
Im just sitting here doing time"**
"John Lennon"
I hope you are having a better day.
Just a thought.
Truly
Marisela
Now I must take my own advise....
I shall.