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Monday May 26, 08
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09:35 AM - They look at danger and they laugh their heads off!
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So, tomorrow is going to be a very exciting day for a few of the members of the Moz Posse. Why? Have we been granted a personal audience with the man himself? No, sadly nothing as grand as that. Instead we will be embarrassing ourselves royally by going up against some of the most annoyingly intelligent people in Britain on the BBC2 quiz show, "Eggheads". Our team, "The Suedeheads", consists of myself, Alma Really Matters, Jukebox Jury, TLOTFamousIP, Uncle Skinny and Kewpie. If we win, we will be making a donation to the Lad's Club. If we lose, we will never mention our attempts again.
Though we are recording tomorrow, we will not be told our broadcast date for some time. Hopefully, by the time it airs, everyone on Solo will have forgotten about it! If we win, well, we looked at danger and we laughed our heads off, so either way we will still be victorious.
When I last wrote, my state of mind was a little fragile. As we all know, misery loves company, and since then, while I have been gradually feeling better thanks to some well deserved sleep, my friends have been inflicted instead. Two of my very good friends are currently feeling rather pants and I am busy working on my interview preparation and cannot be there for them in a real physical context. I am praying for them both though, as well as those around them, and hope that God will lift them up when they call on his name, or, at the very least, let them feel his comforting love during their difficulties. For some reason, sometimes we have to suffer from these feelings. It is a way of growing and learning more about ourselves and how to trust in Him. That is how I see it anyway. It doesn't make my illness any more pleasant, but it does mean I am better able to cope when I know that He is right there with me during the pain.
It's the same with my recent heartache. Yes, it was a right pain the 'arris to fall in love yet again and have nothing come of it, but in reality a lot has come of it. On a practical level, I am actually friends with the person and I hope that will not change, but deeper than that, God has used this as a way of showing me that I can fall in love again, despite my best attempts at convincing myself otherwise. He has also shown me what type of man I am looking for and what type of man I could actually be happy with and the best thing was, he showed me this with someone who wasn't perfect, was actually quite annoying in a lot of ways, and was also quite opposite me in a lot of my thinking. This was to show me that I can be challenged in my relationship but still have love and respect for someone despite disagreeing with them. I will now be ready for when God brings the one who will be all these things, and more so. The one who will feel the same way about me as I do about them, which will be quite funny because if they feel the way I do they will be in a state of shock that they are considering a lifetime with a mad old bat like myself!
I do hope they have an active church life though. I'd quite like that.
Maybe I should enrol at a Bible College as a means of finding a potential husband... Ha ha ha. That's a bit desperate really, I'll probably just sit back and wait for His guidance. It's easier. Besides, He might decide He wants me to go to Bible College anyway one day. Stranger things have happened.
After I returned from dinner on Wednesday 21 May, I sat up for most of the night writing my application for a new job. I am currently a PA/Administrator, which is a B grade role, within Mind, the National Association for Mental Health, which I enjoy as I get on well with my boss and the people I work with, but is not really all that challenging for me. That is probably why I ended up being a Union Rep, so that I'd get more of a challenge in my working role. Anyway, this post came up, which is two grade above my current post, and pays an extra £10k more a year. I hadn't really thought about applying for it to begin with as I was so busy, but I was encouraged to by a friend at work, so I went away and did the application as soon as I had time (which was actually after the deadline, but I am sneaky like that). The new role is all about involvement with service users, and how we, the organisation, can interact with them and get their voice heard in all that we do. My application must have been reasonable as I was shortlisted and have an interview on Monday 2 June 2008. I have to do a ten to fifteen minute presentation on Involvement and the Service User/Survivor Movement at the start of the interview as if I were presenting to a group. So far I have earned brownie points by remembering to check what needs the audience had (e.g. sight and sound impairments) so I can make sure the presentation is as accessible and inclusive as possible, but have been not quite so good at preparing the presentation itself. I realised I didn't know that much about mental health policy so I looked it up online. Wow! How confusing is the mental health act? Now, I am supposedly an intelligent person, but it's so long and wordy I was lost after about the second sentence. No wonder most people feel completely screwed over by the system. At a time when you feel emotionally and mentally vulnerable, this act is used which you do not understand and, though it should be about helping the individual and sticking up for their rights, it feels like some big old nasty piece of law which just treats you like you're less than worthy of your place in society. Anyway, I will probably just go for the fairly simple approach because I'm trying to reach other people like me, people with direct experience of mental distress, who have come together to gain support from each other and get their voice heard. There is one other person going for the role from within Mind and if neither of us is successful it will be advertised externally.
In a lot of ways, I sometimes feel that Morrissey-solo is my own little service user forum. It certainly feels like a support group to me at times as people here are so helpful and understanding and more open about our lives than people in the real world.
Thursday 22 May was national Learning at Work day and I went to visit a Local Mind Association in Tower Hamlets. The visit was really insightful to see what facilities and activities are on offer to service users in the area. There are loads of LMA's around England and Wales, but each offers slightly different things. At Tower Hamlets people can access counselling, be part of an art group, attend woodwork classes, have a meal twice a week, or just hang out with others. It was a really nice atmosphere and I could see what a positive impact it had on the people who were there.
That evening I attended the youth group, which I hadn't been to for over a month. Thankfully the kid that does my head in was not there and I had a pleasant evening planning on the Wii with some of the girls. We did the Wii Fitness thing and I have a Wii Fit age of 32. Not too bad really, but could definitely be better. I do need to tone up. If I get this new job I may consider re-joining a gym to help me get back in better shape. Besides, good physical health boosts your mental health too. Unfortunately I have discovered that I will now only get my hours for the youth club if I go into Dagenham on my way home to book on and off the system as we now have to book on and off duty every time we do anything. It used to be done for us manually, but no more. I will just have to get into the habit of it.
Friday 23 May I was so tired and felt like a snail. After a dragging day at work I went off for duty. Luckily it was a very quiet night. I went round the borough using a 62 bus, which handily covers most of the areas we are tasked to, but spotted no major incidents, nor any minor ones. I finished at midnight and set off to the train station where I saw a bunch of drunks arguing and falling into everyone and generally being loud and annoying. Thankfully some colleagues were still on so they came in a van and parked at the station and just bogged at the drunks till they shut up and went away again. They are regulars to the area, not really any trouble, but a bit of a nuisance for us.
Saturday 24 May was not a great day for me. I was so tired and laid in before coming over to my parents to have dinner and do some stuff online. I still do not have internet access at home and, following a visit from a BT engineer, which I have been requesting for over a year, have been told that, because of where I live, I can not have broadband on a standard BT line and must be changed to a DSL line. Apparently TalkTalk, my ISP, knew this, but set everyone up on ADSL anyway. I am still waiting for TalkTalk to actually act on this information and change me to a DSL line. If they refuse to get it done, which they will because they are pants, I will have to get a cable line installed purely for internet as I want to remain with BT for my Sky. Why everything has to be so complicated is beyond me, but never mind.
Sunday 25 May was a better day. I got up on time, did my washing, cleaned the house (though not the bathroom, which I always surface clean and avoid doing fully because I am actually not a big fan of cleaning and also quite lazy), fed the beasts and went off to meet Peniston for church. We went to Good Shephard in Collier Row for a bit of variation as she used to go there and likes to pop along every so often. Their church is so different to ours. Inside it feels warm and welcoming and they have a massive congregation, while our church feels vast and empty at times. I think the fact that our roof is massively high doesn't help and the white painted walls actually seem colder than the exposed brick work of Good Shephard. They also have an excellent music group which is used very effectively, though I would say they were a little too music orientated. What all good churches have is a good balance between song/music worship, prayer time and preaching, but getting that balance right is really quite tricky. It was a good experience though and really great to see a church which is clearly growing in numbers while so many are in decline. How we can use this to inspire our growth at St E's is something to consider and I am keen to be involved with driving our church forwards, along with the rest of the church family. We need an External Relations Committee!
After church, Peniston and I had lunch with her friends, Disco John (so named due to his impressive chest hair which cannot be tamed and appears constantly from the neck of his shirt, thus reminding me of Disco Stu from The Simpsons, though he doesn't wear a medallion, nor have a wafro) and Karen. Ok, I don't have a nickname for her, nor their children who are both very lovely, as was their house and their hospitality.
Following lunch I went off to rehearsals. Yes, the play is as tepid as ever and the Director, like all good directors, took my point about the angels motivation and decided to pretend she'd already spotted that and came up with something on the spur of the moment to cover her tracks. Excellent work! I had to do more crawling about and leaping from one side of the stage to the other. My knees will be ruined by the end of the run.
There was one major plus point to the rehearsal though. I received my copy of the script for "Cunning Stunts", and read through it. I am pleased to report that it is actually quite good, with some funny moments, and should be possible for me to perform in with a decent degree of believability. It also will require me to do more than roll around the floor like an idiot. Now all I need to do is find a 1940's nurses uniform...
After the rehearsal I went to a Police Appreciation event, hosted by an Assemblies of God church in the borough. I took Peniston along as my guest. The first part of the evening was held at Castle Green community centre which is where the church now meets each Sunday. It's a massive hall and they have to meet there as they now have regular attendance of about 700 people. As this church sits within our parish (there are so many denominations, you get lots of churches virtually on top of each other) and is much more dynamic than ours it may go some way to explaining why we don't seem to be getting that many people in through the doors each week. But there are other reasons to that too. I used to go to that church and it is very American it it's style of preaching. There is a lot of focus on prosperity and show. While I don't deny they do a lot of great work and ministry in the borough, I do wonder how much they really do in terms of humble servitude. I know the reason I left was partly due to my growing dissatisfaction with the leadership and the lack of clear, straightforward biblical teaching. It felt very much like a show to me. This is certainly great for getting bums on seats, but is it really great for true salvation? I am probably being harsh. There are a lot of good people in that church who are undoubtedly committed to Christ and live according to his teachings, but there is definitely a lack of outreach to some members of our community. As someone who polices the area weekly, I am well aware of the fact that the church community is now mainly made up of the local black African population. While this is great, where are all the white people? I ask because I don't see them in my church on Sunday, but I do see them out on the street every Friday night, so I know they are there, living right on our doorstep. These young kids need God in their lives so desperately and they are there waiting to be spoken to. I'd love to see them on Sunday mornings... but how do we get them in? How do we grab the attention of the youth without resorting to showbiz gimmickry? How do we show them His love and their value when both they and society have written them off?
Praise God for the street pastor scheme which is now running in the borough but again, on a selfish note, how do we get them into our church so that we can keep growing?! I know there is already a youth club, but I am not involved in it and don't have time to be really, but I'd like to see more young people on Sundays. And ones that are coming because they want to, not because their parents do.
At some point I will have more answers to these questions through God's grace. Until then I will wait for His wisdom. He knows what He is doing and He knows I am willing to serve in whatever way I can. When the time comes, I will be there as requested.
At the ceremony part of the Police Appreciation do, they sneakily alternated between interviewing the NYPD Officer (who naturally, being a Christian, referenced God as much as possible), testimonies of former convicts who'd found God and were now working with the Police and the church, and worship songs. I thought it was quite funny really as I'd been completely aware that the central theme of the evening would be to try and save souls, rather than to thank the Police for their efforts in the borough, though they certainly did thank us as well. After that we went to Bethel itself for a sit down dinner. Some of the officers stuck off at that point. Silly fools, that was the safest part of the evening! At the end we all got an NYPD badge and a pen, which was cool. Peniston can now pretend to be a cop like I do every week! Best of all though, in another display of their wealth, the church presented us with a flat screen 32" TV for the canteen at Dagenham. Clearly they haven't seen our facilities! I hope we can fit it on the wall somehow.
And that brings me up to today.
I am feeling more positive this week about life in general, though my tiredness hasn't really gone away. I just need to remain focused on what I am doing each day, as it comes, and remember that I am supported in all I do by my friends, my family and my Father in Heaven. As long as I trust in Him, I cannot fail.
So, if we win tomorrow, I know it will be down to Him. If we lose, likewise, so why worry?
I don't suppose the rest of the team will see it quite like that though!
Come to that, we have our first softball match of the season on Wednesday... bet the rest of softball team will also be unhappy with my spiritual sporting outlook. I'd best keep my mouth shut or I'll be lynched!
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