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Monday August 31, 09
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02:44 PM - Tales from a mobile phone
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Lanzarote, July 2008
We need to talk to girls. But how? And when? I mean, there are plenty of girls in this club. None of them speaking to men. Yet I feel like if I went up to any of them I'd get lynched. Not the best position to be in. How will it change?
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These girls look at us across the bar while Alice Deejay's "Better Off Alone" plays. I can't agree with the sentiment. I don't know any other way than alone.
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I'm beginning to come round to Rent's way of thinking. Maybe some junk would get me out of this funk. No think about girls, no worries. Choose life. Choose a fuckin anonymous living. Welcome to my world.
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I look at this girl on the dance floor. She's good looking, but probably not in the top dozen of this holiday. I'm probably not in her top thousand of tonight. But she's my favourite for tonight. My penguin. It's destined not to be.
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Some birds are fuckin delusional. Like the ones that go on the sodium (sic). Sure, she's nice enough, but only stunners should be up there, those that are unattainable. While she's unattainable to me, she's no Hazel Irvine.
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Fuck, the Irish girls are here. I found them stunning on the bus, they still look fit here. But what to say? Will they think me and Dr Finlay are stalkers? There's a mass of guys between us. No guts no glory eh?
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Man, what a fucking game. I'm sure they've clocked us, but waiting on us making a move. Cunts. In fact they're right next to us now. What to do?
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Now the crowd of fuckin lackeys is between us. They moved away. It's either a game of chase or they're no interested. Either way, I'm no interested. I would've bought them a drunk as well, crazy prices or no. That's the type of cunt I am. Generous but shy. It'll never work. I'm fucking useless.
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The Irish birds disappeared. Like completely, just as Radiohead sang. There's a few birds still about but none attainable, especially with the amount I've drunk. Back to normality soon.
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What a fuckin doss cunt Dr Finlay is. First he ruins any chance with the Irish birds on the bus, next I'm on to a possible with some bird and he dingies my request to fuck off. Destined no to be. What's the point?
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Why blame Dr Finlay? The real blame should be laid at me. Ultimately I had the chance to make the move. He's a simple fellow, simple as that. I knew that when I came. I'm not good enough anyway. The bi-polar bear.
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BE MY PENGUIN
Another bloody morning
Waking up all alone
Maybe today will be different
I really should've known
God, will this ever end?
Is there a special friend?
It's nearly a quarter to ten
Please answer my prayers, amen.
I sidle up to the bar
And think of everyone I know
Even with a fancy car
They'd tell me where to go
Thinking of what to say
Comes easy for all the sheep
It's always something simple
Never anything too deep
So, if I had the chance
Here's what I'd say
Would you be my penguin?
It'd really make my day
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Glasgow, August 2009 (day after the wedding)
So here's the story. I'm basically the second leg of a stool, the spout of a chocolate teapot, the mosquito in a window. In other words, ultimately useless or simply undesirable. I'm lost in a myriad of pish. I hate life. Bring on death, it can't be much worse than life. And that's from me, not anyone else. Ah well, always my second life to start. Whether a metaphorical second life or a symbolic one. The flight (of either) can't happen soon enough.
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All of the above represents a somewhat darker side to my personality. Instead of living life at the time, I muse on it and find solace in jotting thoughts down in a phone (granted, it's over a year apart, but I'm certain there have been times in between that period where I've been sorely tempted).
Alcohol sees a bit of a change in me. Most of the time it's a decent chance - a bit more relaxed, a bit more happy. There seems to come a point, however, that I occasionally hit that almost brings out this depressed side, rearing its ugly head and taking over. It's managed the majority of the time by ignoring some of the deeper issues in my life.
Luckily, I think I've started to at least try to exorcise some of those demons. I managed to even ask someone out the other week (of course, it was met with a swift rejection, but progress is progress), and came out the other side intact. Maybe there's hope yet, even before the commencement of the second life.
(PS - Apologies for some of the dreadful language above - drink brings that out also).
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Saturday July 25, 09
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03:52 PM - T'is the season for some folly
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Six months since the last "blog", and I don't really know what's happened to 2009. In the absence of any real pressure, it just seems like I'm in a bit of limbo - not really sure what to do with life.
The past few weeks I've tried to fill the evenings with sports. While this sounds like an opportunity to broaden my social horizons, it really hasn't - more a case of making sure that I avoid going home, and yet for no real reason. I suppose I have a little bit of the Peter Pan about me - not really wanting to grow up and face the harsh concerns that adult life brings. Work isn't one such concern, as it's work to live, not live to work. But the other facets of life are, and yet I don't think I'll ever master them. I'm not even sure I want to master them.
I have a couple of weddings coming up in August, just before I go on holiday. I even have managed to snare someone to go with to one of them. Unfortunately, and true to one of The Smiths' finest efforts, I'm unsure where I exactly sit with this. Are her intentions that this is a purely platonic, friendly thing to do? Or would she like (as I would) for this to be something a bit more?
The option has probably been there for me to propose something before attending the wedding, but I've decided discretion is the better part of valour, and as such ensuring I have someone to attend the wedding with is more important than any short-term gain that could arise. I've decided to try and enjoy the wedding in isolation, and not to be too disappointed in the (probably highly likely) event that the company is a one-off event. I haven't been let down in quite a while now, so a knock back shouldn't be that demoralising.
In terms of other emotional growth, the desire to move away still burns strong. Unfortunately, the "crunch" has led to a significant contraction in the job market, making the mobility a bit more difficult. The timeframe is probably a year away, but the groundwork really needs to begin just now I believe. The aforementioned laziness has precluded me from completing a CV, and the lack of motivation has ground me down. I need a kick up the arse.
In other news, I may soon become a property owner of sorts. Maybe this will be a turning point to maturity, only a few years too late. It remains to be seen.
Until the next update (whenever this is), I hope you're all well and living life that way it should be.
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Wednesday January 07, 09
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02:09 PM - Warm, summer days
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NB - This entry was written a week ago, and sadly a bug has prevented it from being released to the world...until now. This is the full transcript in its entirety.
A merry Christmas and "happy" new year to one and all - I hope you had a peaceful and enjoyable time. Mine was fairly quiet as usual, only without the arguing this year, which made it a bit more bearable and relaxing.
One of my main personality traits, for better or worse, is my analytical nature. Whenever a problem is encountered, I seem to enjoy mulling over it for some time, rather than accepting the problem exists in the here and now and moving on. Last week, this took the form of researching a condition (although not recognised as such by scientists) known as "love-shyness" - basically, the form of shyness as it pertains to desired relationships with the other half - and seeing if I could diagnose myself with it.
Many of the characteristics could be associated with me - no sister in my family, feelings of loneliness (although surely that's a characteristic of love-shyness rather than that of people you'd categorise as love-shy?), cynical about the world. But a lot of the findings didn't really apply - I don't care much for the arts, I like competitive sports, and I sure as hell haven't tried anything funny with Barbie dolls or pets.
It's difficult to conclude on the matter definitively, especially when it's not even a recognised condition. I'd say it's probably fair to say that I have an element of it, certainly. But it's something that can hopefully be addressed. Stop analysing, start addressing the age-old problem. No exams to hide behind. Ties in quite well with the aforementioned resolutions.
So the problem shall be addressed. In time.
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Wednesday December 17, 08
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06:17 AM - Just a thought
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The hardest instrument to play is second fiddle.
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Saturday December 13, 08
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08:18 AM - What if you never come down?
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The last few days have represented something of a milestone. I've passed my last ever exam (in the recognised version of the term "exam" - no doubt there are still many more tests of mettle lying in store), and I've tried to re-assess where my life's at (yet again). Still single, timid, awkward...and now there's no longer a hiding place for me to blame other events for my demise.
In times of reflection, it's always about looking for self-improvement. I've looked back at my journal entry some four years ago, detailing new year's resolutions made then. Different times back then of course - those were lucid university days, and life seemed a lot more important than it is now. There's nothing left to do, only forty, fifty, sixty more years fo work. And ultimately, we're all the same in the end.
Some of those resolutions still ring true in this year's list, however. I never used to be the type of person to come up with such a list, even in an ironic sense. I guess that it can't do any harm however, and provides a starting basis from which to draw on. Resolutions, to be implemented from 1 January 2009 or before, as follows:
1) Exercise frequently. While this takes the form of midweek sports currently, more can still be done. This is essential to ensure a more chiseled appearance (in danger of becoming seriously eroded as the years tick by on me) and also to last the pace a bit longer in sporting activities.
2) Learn how to cook. This is one of my personal disasters, as I have never really learned how to cook beyond toasted cheese. By achieving this, I should also help the first objective by being able to pick and choose my foods and eat more healthily.
3) Become more domesticated. Basically, at the moment, I live in a mess. I need to address this if I've to have any chance of living a normal life in the future.
4) Take more chances. It's all very well moping around and not getting anywhere, but it shouldn't be like that. Idlewild sing about "fortune favouring the brave". Another saying is that of nothing ventured, nothing gained. Ultimately, I guess it's a case of regretting doing something being better than regretting doing nothing. Take Jeff Hardy as an example. High risk, high reward - might not win every battle, but will win enough to get by. The only boat that doesn't rock is one that isn't going anywhere - might as well try and weather a storm while getting to a happier place.
5) Decide where I want to be - my happy place. The long-term goal is clear, it's only the means of achieving it that is to be determined. A lot of thought to be put into this. It would also help to nurture the positive side to my split personality.
There may be others before the year is out, but if these five fundamentals are met then life will be improved. I'll revisit this at a later date.
In other news, I didn't get tickets for Barrowlands. I'm not overly concerned - if I feel like it nearer the time, I'll try and find some tickets. Until next time...
PS - BWTT, if you ever amble on just give me a shout. Will let you know if I'm in the Burgh any time soon for a drink.
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Saturday August 23, 08
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04:27 PM - The bi-polar bear
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It's been a while, but I reckoned since it was prime time in my writing capacity (late at Saturday night, when most normal people are either in bed or out enjoying themselves) I should write an entry.
Not a lot has happened since I last wrote; I wrote a new song (first one in three years), I haven't had any romances worth talking of, and my life has generally stagnated both in terms of work, socially and in terms of ambition. The Canadian dreams are still there and in earnest - one of few things driving me on at the moment, actually. But the realisation is nowhere near yet. Yet it's required in order for my life to progress. A hiatus of a few years beckons.
One of the main things that I have developed has been a desire to read. I'm partway through Sue Townsend's Adrian Mole series, which keeps me sane from time to time. When on holiday, I also read Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh (and found it fascinating to compare it to the cinematic version) and Touching From A Distance, by Debbie Curtis. Difficult to believe that Ian had achieved so much (and had so much to fulfil) when he was my age. Makes my own shortcomings all the more evident.
Combined with the Mole books, I'm also trying to watch some light comedy on TV to keep my mood as enhanced as possible. Frasier normally takes up most of the time; it takes me back to my school days, when I would watch it on a Friday night while all my "friends" hung out at someone's house, not inviting me along. Happier times. It's a similar situation these days; everyone else is out with partners, or other friends, and I'm consigned to footnote status - the parts that nobody reads, or indeed cares about.
Despite the shortcomings, I still have highs to mix in with the lows. At times, I find the ability to have a smile and a laugh, and it even seems real at the time. The shyness, awkwardness, and even ugliness still persist, however, and this is illustrated no clearer than during times of solitude. The Canadian affair could be an answer, but it could be too late by that time.
The question remains: how bad must life be for death to look a more attractive alternative? I don't believe that time will ever come, but there's certainly an understanding (potentially even a sympathy) for the other perspective. Things can only progress - it's a question of when.
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Saturday February 02, 08
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10:01 AM - Balls
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So, the annual work ball's coming up, with the dreaded invite requests: Name, Dietary Requirements...Partner's Name. The first two I normally have no problem with, but the third finds me wanting. I went to the last ball partner-less, which was fine - I was new to the firm, nobody really knew me, and it was a decent way to make new friends. I just get the feeling it may be a bit peculiar and difficult to explain second time round. Escort agencies are on speed dial.
Work's been pretty busy as of late; so much so, I haven't even heard Morrissey's latest offering(s?) yet. By rights, I should be going to the Edinburgh gig tonight, but unfortunately prior commitments curtail that possibility. I'm sure I'll catch him again, whenever he comes back around.
I've also began to appreciate the merits of having a late night walk by yourself following a few drinks to clear your head. Some may say it's dangerous, but I see it as an opportunity to walk in the silent night, consider the events of the evening and the reality of life as a whole, and attempting to resolve the many demons manifesting themselves inter alia. Maybe tonight will offer another such occasion. I hope you're all having a good weekend.
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Saturday January 12, 08
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05:49 PM - The more things change
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The more they stay the same. Here I am, Saturday night, and in my element, not doing anything. The thing is, I'm grateful for the break, truth be told. Almost every other weekend has some sort of social event booked in my diary (how very professional), and with the long working hours that traditionally accompany this time of year in my line of work, any time off over the weekend is cherished.
So...I've taken up watching the NFL. One part of my final dream (the end goal, where I saw myself at the age of 30 or so) has been to come home from work, sitting on a sofa in a different continent, watching American sports while drinking beer. So I guess Saturday nights can prove to be a training ground of sorts, seeing if the final dream finally comes into fruition. Sad, eh? I am a simple man, however, so such things are a luxury to me.
The past week has been a strange one. Different emotions have been flying through my head, mainly creating mass confusion in my thoughts rather than anything else. Life requires such emotional swings however, to keep things interesting. The only boat that doesn't rock is one that isn't going anywhere. So the possibility of storms is one that is to be embraced, rather than feared.
I had a read at Sullen/Haze's journal earlier on, and it's funny how time has indeed flown. I personally can't believe how long I've been here, even though I was more of a passive visitor over the last year. Yet it's difficult to see just how life has progressed. Sure, I now look a bit older (I can almost go to a pub without being ID'd these days), but ultimately my place in society has largely remained the same - a dreg. Who knows, maybe this will be my year...
Touchdown Patriots...Now, where's that beer?
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Wednesday January 02, 08
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09:58 AM - New Year Revolution
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2008 promises to be the best year yet, if for no other reason because the years preceding it have been so rubbish. If anything, every decision should be entered into with eyes wide open, no matter how difficult it may seem.
I've fallen into a different age bracket since I last wrote. No longer a youngster (if I ever was), I need to begin to grow up and take life a bit less seriously. Sure, there are various commitments that I have to satisfy. But there is also another life out there that I need to satiate, nurture and develop. I guess that is the new year's resolution - take a few more chances, try and enjoy life a bit more.
Towards the end of last year, I managed to make two dates last a combined total of three hours. Unhappiness appeared to be the name of the game. Friendships and the ability to bounce back from disappointments will be all important in 2008. I wish you all a prosperous year.
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Saturday November 04, 06
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06:59 PM - Can't you see this mess I'm in?
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I know it's been a long time, but I had nowhere else to go. I thought I'd flew the nest, moving away from online journals and into the real world, but the reality is I still need it. Even although this will likely be the only entry I make in the present and immediate future, it's good to maintain a log to check back to every now and then. My procedures manual, if you like.
The past week has really left me feeling that I need to have a sounding board to release feelings on to. Pent up frustration about the way I'm perceived has led me to one conclusion: never speak to anyone ever again. If you're mute, you may seem like a bit of a tosser, an ignorant prick, an unapproachable bastard, call it what you may. However, it still seems preferable to opening your mouth and removing all doubt with regard to all of the above, regardless of how much you try to seem like an all-round decent, genuine person.
Life, in the end, is just a game. A means to an end. It's just down to what dice you roll, what squares you take, how many people beat you, and then that's it. We're all the same in the end. No inequalities in that respect. Yet the game doesn't really seem to be mine to be playing at the minute. People are taking my moves for me, and I'm more or less a passenger. Whatever move I make seems to be the wrong one, and I seem to be sliding down more snakes than climbing ladders at this rate.
I remember at the end of school how much I was looking forward to university, as I'd be able to break out and be the person that I wanted to be. And yet it never really happened that way. I got cocooned into the type of person I always expected to be - studying all the time, worrying even more, barely socialising. So, the break from university to work was another opportunity to readdress the balance. A second chance, if you will. It hasn't been grasped.
Very quickly, I've been isolated for the person I am; an awkward soul, talking much shite and slipping below the radar of pretty much everyone. Those who do speak to me keep it on a trivial basis, asking how your day's going, if a good weekend was had. Others decide to be quite hurtful in commenting on my actions, which is probably down to something I'm not even aware of doing. And yet it only takes one person to think such a thing to begin to bring doubt into your mind on what other people think. What you could be thinking of your own behaviour, actions and responses could be totally different to how you're thought of. And if that's the case with one person, what could it be like for many others? A generalisation?
Simply put, I'm not really enjoying life at the minute. In fact, I haven't been enjoying it for a good few weeks now. Just one crummy thing after another. Whether it's the endless quantities of study work, or girls (particularly girls), or supposed friends, or family, it all seems to be on a downward trend. Whilst I could never bring the game to a premature end for various reasons, it doesn't seem to be providing me with much enjoyment at the minute. Perhaps I'll be lucky, and it'll be check mate soon enough.
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