Hi everybody! I miss you all greatly!! If you truly love me (and I just know you do), write me a little somethin' somethin' to cheer me up on this boring and lonely workday.

Tell me what's been going on, something fun you did this year, or something weird/random/crazy that happened recently.

I want to hear from you all!!

More later!

xoxox, DWGT

OK, so I know that it's been a really long time. A really really really long time. But here I am, and I have a confession to make: M-Solo, my dear, I've been cheating on you. Yes, that's right. I have another journal.

Explanation: You see, after K left to live in New York, I just couldn't bear to chat about it here. I couldn't vent, because I knew that my friends would sympathize and be sweet and feel sorry for me, but I wanted isolation, and peace, and introspection. I had to be alone for quite a while. I was just like a bewildered animal in a trap, ready to pounce on any kind soul that would have attempted to free me from myself. There were a lot of really personal and private thoughts regarding him and me, and us together, that were swirling about in my head and I just couldn't mention those here. I felt as if no one could understand. This was my drama, and I had to fix it all by myself. I have an entire notebook full of my angst and heartbreak in my dresser drawer that I can refer to, and tranquilize myself with, at any time. But for now, I'm better about it. I'm OK, and the dust has, somewhat, settled.

Life's been interesting since I've last graced M-Solo with my presence (haha). Unfortunately, I have no clue what has been going on with any of you all here. I can only hope that everyone is doing alright, hanging on, still swooning over Moz, and still the same bright, good hearted souls that I've bonded with over time.

I'm working again at the accounting firm, no longer at the antique shop. I'm happy to be back...it's an old comfort...but still creatively stifling. Any day could be an "Office Space" moment for me.

Ummm...bad new first? My car is broken and my purse got stolen. Blah. So, money isn't all that great right now, but I'll get by. The car should be completely back to normal by next week. *fingers crossed* I had to freeze my credit accounts and change the locks on my doors because I had my license (with my address on it) AND my house keys in the purse. Grr!!!

The really bad news? OK...One of my old friends from my high school days went into a coma. He fell down some stairs, broke his shoulder, and lost consciousness. I'm praying for him, and wishing for the best. He's been opening his eyes and moving around in bed. Those are really good signs, so I guess we'll see...

The worst part about that is- he has a problem with drinking. A BIG problem. And no one has said this outright to me, but I just know that he was wasted when he fell down those stairs. Back in high school, he and I had a suicide pact. Everybody wants to kill themself in high school, so hopefully no one is shocked by this. I was always half-joking about it anyway. But he really got into it with me, telling me how bad it was at home sometimes. He always fought with his mom, and just...didn't have much of a relationship with his dad. It must have been miserable for him. And the most dreadful thing? He's gay, and they tried to make him straight by sending him to "doctors" and generally making him feel like something was wrong with him. Constantly.

Knowing all of this, and being around him, it wasn't hard to see why he started drinking. He started in high school. And the last I heard (before he was in the coma) from a mutual friend of ours, he was drinking by himself, and to the point where he would black out. One night, at a restaurant, he was so hung over that he threw up all over the table. He was getting messy. It's just so sad too, because he's incredibly talented. He's a great actor, and a funny, witty, charming guy. I ALWAYS told him this, and really wanted him to believe in himself more than he did. It never really worked.

When I heard the news, I cried for two days straight. I couldn't sleep. I felt awful, and sad, and guilty. I knew that he had this problem. Why couldn't I have done something more? Actually, the guilt overrode everything because for a long time, I couldn't hang out with him anymore. He always pushed it too much, was too much of a partier. I just...couldn't be around that and I slowly but surely dropped out of his scene. It's not like I ever stopped caring about him, but it went to that level of just checking up on him every once in a while, or simply asking mutual friends to say hi for me, or to ask how he was doing instead of taking the initiative and doing it myself, or trying to keep in touch in benign ways outside of the party atmosphere like going for coffee or seeing a movie with him.

I know I can't blame myself. All I can do is hope for the best, and pray that when he wakes up, he realizes that this is his second chance to make it right, and believe in himself, and stop hurting himself and everyone around him.

Jeff, I want you to be OK. And when you are awake again, I swear that I'll be there for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't for so long...

OK...that wore me out. And I'm exhausted. I promise that my next journal entry will have the GOOD news in it. It will give us all something to look forward to.

Your worried, restless, and fatigued author, DWGT

1.How long have you been a Moz fan? since sometime in high school, when I first heard of The Smiths and Morrissey, and heard some songs. But I didn't start buying all the albums and REALLY obsessing until I hit college.

2. Age: 25

3. Eye color: brown

4. Height: 5'7"

5. best feature: my smile

6. Veggie or meat eater: I can have both

7. Favourite drink: tea

8. If you could know any famous person, who would it be? Morrissey or Ewan Mc Gregor

9. Have you ever been in love: yes

10. Favourite flower: roses and lillies

11. If it was your last day on earth, what would you do? call all of my closest friends and family, go to an amusement park, party, eat lots of ice cream, and tell them all how much I love them and will miss them.

12. If you were on an island with one album, which would it be? You can't do this to me!! That's impossible!

13. Do good things come to those who wait: I'm not living proof, but there has to be SOMEONE who is...

14. Are females better than males: not on the whole, but in some ways...God yes.

15. What is your purpose or goal in life? to be in a place where I feel completely serene, happy, content, accomplished, peaceful and loved.

16. Are you Morrissey: Aren't we all?

17. Favourite Smiths song: "Well I Wonder" and "There is a Light..."

18. Favourite Moz song: "Late Night, Maudlin Street" and "Everyday is Like Sunday"

19. Birthplace: New Orleans

20. Favourite Movie: Pulp Fiction is one, but I have many

21. Favourite day of the week: any day I can sleep late

22. Favourite T.V. show: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Brak Show, Sealab 2021, and Space Ghost C2C

23. Do love and sex equal the same thing: no

24. First concert: Def Leppard when I was 14!! Haha! ROCK!

25. Do you like your job: it'll do until I can start teaching

26. How can you tell if your boyfriend's gay: he IS! J/K Umm...I guess I'd know. I have more than enough experience with gay boys to have really keen gaydar at this point.

27. What is a good way to die: painlessly, quietly, in your lover's arms

28. Guilty pleasure: the Spice Girls, and really cheesy soft rock love ballads like "For Your Eyes Only" and stuff like that. ::cringes::

29. Favourite T.V. soap: never liked soaps, sorry.

30. How would you use a super power: to make people less ignorant, racist, homophobic, bigoted, etc.

31. What is a regret from your past: absolutely NO regrets. Everything is a learning experience.

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Short n' Sweet Update time...

For Ima-- Fischerspooner were fantastic. Wore those big boots of Meredith's with a black mini and cute top. Did my hair all cute, and had shiny aqua mermaid eyeshadow on. Got asked out by Eminem's ex-roomate (a cutie who was wearing eyeliner! Boys in eyeliner! ::swoon::). Unfortunately, he moved like 2 days later, and we never went on a date. Fischerspooner didn't play long, but the energy was high, and I got to cop a feel on Casey's ass while he was crowd surfing. Woop!

Halloween-- was fun, but kinda uneventful. Dressed up as a very well-played-with antebellum porcelaine dolly. Had a cute, Southern Belle type dress, with a hoop skirt! Had lots of blush on my cheeks, and dolly-like make-up. Had all my curls brushed out to make me look disheveled, along with little childish drawings on my clothes and body. Meredith (dressed simply as FABULOUS) and I kicked it on Decatur Street and drove down Frenchman Street (mistake) until we gave up because of slight agoraphobia, and just drove around talking mostly.

Vacation-- went to the Smoky Mountains for a week and a half with my dad. Just the two of us. Lots of father/daughter bonding talks, hikes in the mountains, dinners out together, and the like. It was great, peaceful, and really nice. I loved the resort where we stayed. I had my own little apartment, so I had lots of privacy and I got to take a jacuzzi bubble bath one night. SO glad I could get off work to do that. And Dad is now retired, so he was way happy to celebrate that with this trip.

Me-- Got both pairs of delicious pink shoes!! (see about 2 entries back) Also got an adorable haircut, and I LOVE my hair now! I'm going back to school to take the education classes I need so I can get certified to teach. I had to take both Praxis tests to enroll back in school. I have now taken both, and know that I have passed one. The other results will be here in 4 weeks or so. Will keep ya posted. Can't wait to start teaching and writing more as well.

Cathy-- One of my best friends EVER. My sister. She is getting married in Hawaii right after Christmas. Unfortunately, I cannot be there because I am so broke. We talked thru e-mail and phone, and she completely understands. Instead, I will be saving up as much money as I can so that I can visit her and her new husband, Toshi in Tokyo this summer. Something to look forward to, although I am heartbroken to miss her wedding.

K-- Moving to New York with Eminem on the 29th. OF THIS MONTH. I don't know what it is with New York, but hey. I have been spending as much time with him as I can. We all went out for karaoke the other night and K and I sang some great shit together like "Endless Love" and "From This Moment". He was super sweet, and there was something very sentimental in his demeanor. He and Eminem won't be living together, but they already have jobs and places to stay. They've tried convincing me to move back there, but for now it's financially impossible. Besides, I don't know if New York's really the place for me. I loved a lot about it, but the next time I move somewhere, it will be just a *little* more peaceful of a place. I was always more of a west-coast girl (represent). Give me Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. Anyway, I have avoided talking about this for awhile- on here and in person to others. I will be fucking inconsolable when I say goodbye to my K. More on that later, because I'm actually heading over to his house today to help him pack.

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Catch you all on the flip-side. Hope everyone's OK.

Your emotionally tempestuous author, DWGT

My dear Haze,

    I am so sorry to hear of your uncle's passing, and also sorry that I haven't been around enough to know that this had even happened. I wish that I had been here earlier, to lend an ear, and send my comfort to you right away.

    While I feel terrible for your aunt's unfortunate last conversation with him, I believe that he knows that in her heart she would always still love him. Words said in haste never equal feelings felt for years. Please support each other, because I can't imagine how she must feel and how hurt she must be.

    It is so amazing that you were able to share such a memorable, sentimental, and loving day with him. That is beautiful, and I want you to hold on to that forever. Know that he is in a place of peace, a place where you can call on him to guide you, and where he will always be looking after you.

    I comfort you in your loss, and wish that there was something that I could do to make the pain go away. Please let me know if you need anything.

                    Much love and hugs, DWGT

So, I have my job back at the antique store. This is great, considering that I may even be full-time by next month. My boss is gonna teach me how to do framing and gold-leaf for the artwork and paintings, so that will be fun. My car has decided to moan and complain about being back on the road after a big break while his momma was away. He squeals and whines, and acts a brat, but at least he's running and getting me from A to B, so I can't be too upset.

I spent a weekend in Baton Rouge with my girl Mer. We shopped for Fischerspooner outfits, and she's got hers together. I'm still not ready. But I did find a dandy Halloween costume, and it's a secret for right now. I will reveal later. I'm thinking that for Fischerspooner, I'll go with Mer's big black knee-high boots, some fishnets, my black mini skirt and a cute top. I might wear the blue sassy girl bob wig that Cassie gave me as well. But then I have to find something electric blue to wear. Ergh...it'll get done.

I saw some pink ballerina babydoll maryjane-like adore-me shoes on Magazine St., so I have to invest in them or I'll hate myself later. There are also some espadrilles on sale. Also pink. Also I will kick myself if I don't get THEM. So, you know, back to spending money I don't have. Hmph! I deserve it after the crap I've been through. I also deserve a cute new haircut which I'll schedule ASAP.

I've been hanging out with K and Eminem a bit. Yeah, I know...from the frying pan into the fire, but I'm pretty OK. Some part of me will ALWAYS always be in love with him. There's nothing I can do about that. He's a BIG important part of my life.

But could someone please explain why I feel like the strange inexplicable chemistry is back? Maybe it's cause I'm back home, and he's giving me those sweetie-pie "I love ya" eyes because he missed me lots and is glad I'm back.

There's just something super affectionate and SOFT about him with me lately. He's been a honey. And I just still feel like we'd be precious together. Eminem can just be so moody and strange. That's not K's style. I love Eminem too, but damn! Oh well...as long as K's always my beautiful friend, I'm good. And I really wish them the best, and hope that things are right and meant to be.

What a sad and poignant entry from Smiths. Smiths, may healing and comfort be with you. Jane knows how you feel. If she didn't before, she knows now. Feelings, love, connection...these things cannot be silenced by death. Be at peace, honey, and know that she understands now. Feel free to e-mail me if you ever need to talk. I'll send my home number back to you in an e-mail. You know I'm here if you ever need me.

I'm off to zone out in my bed for awhile.

Your shopaholic, beauty conscious, but now employed (yay!) author, DWGT

I was honestly just so stunned and frozen and upset when I read Smith's post and later, his journal entry- I had to go outside and have a smoke and take it all in. What a truly difficult loss this is- for so many people. I had the pleasure of meeting Jane once when I was living in New York, and although it was only that one great night when we all hung out- me, Smiths, Jane, and her best friend, I could see what a fresh, funny, sweet, and genuine girl she was. There was something so graceful and gentle about her. My first impression was that she was shy, but we all did so much chatting and joking around that night that I realized she was not shy at all, but talkative and inquisitive, and very friendly and interested in what you had to say. We had just met, but we were all getting on like old friends, joking and talking and laughing together. I remembered thinking that she reminded me of my old friend Melissa from high school, so I told her that. And then I said, "Don't worry- that's a compliment!", and we shared a giggle. I am very thankful that I was able to meet her and that our paths crossed so briefly, yet so pleasantly that night. She was too young, too full of life, too immersed in friends and surroundings and new experiences that should have come her way. How terribly unfair...

To Smiths, JanesBestfriend, and to everyone she touched in her life: my prayers, my love, and my comfort are with you.

Deepest sympathies, DWGT

 

WARNING- *EXTREMELY LONG ENTRY*

Well, kids, guess who's back in New Orleans? Well, ME, silly! Oh my GOD- it is SO great to be back. All that stuff they say about not knowing what you have until it's gone...it is entirely true.

Living with those monsters in New York was a hellish nightmare and I had to get out of it. And here is the whole scoop:

*flashback* remember a long time ago when I told a story about how my "best friend" R and I got into a huge fight and didn't speak for 4 months? And I copied a detailed account of our online chat in this very journal discussing the whole thing? (if not, don't worry) Anyway, R is the same person I was just living with in New York (along with his boyfriend), and now, he has fucked me over yet again, and I will never speak to him again as long as I live.

So, here's the entire thing, for your reading pleasure, because I have no loyalty to this prick anymore- he is dead to me and out of my life for good now. ::sigh of relief::

OK... My EX best friend R- his real name is Ryan- had been going through some serious shit during the time I started this journal. So, this was about 2 1/2 years ago or about. He was doing too many drugs (ecstacy and coke) and partying all the time. He was also drinking on top of it. Then, not only this, but he was in love with a guy who didn't return his affections, and this was tearing him apart and making him miserable. Also, he had (and probably still does) an eating disorder. He was addicted to diet pills, and was exercising all the time, and not eating enough. Alas, in so many words- he was fucking messed up and crazy and being an ass to everyone.

He was being so shitty to everyone around him because his mind was clouded, his heart was broken, and his stomach was empty. So, of course, being the compassionate friend I am, I tried to get to the heart of the matter and ask questions and express concern. I tried to get to why he was feeling that way, and what was making him so angry and depressed and hostile.

He pushed me away, and was a fucking asshole about it, saying things to me like, "You're an oversensitive little drama queen who needs to mind her business." And, "Go listen to Morrissey and cry, little baby."

This pissed me off to NO end, and I was about to just bugger off and leave him alone, when one night, he met me at a bar and started crying. I was still concerned, and I just let him talk. He told me all of this horrific shit about how he had started dealing coke to get by, and he was also working as a call boy. He told me that the first time he slept with someone for money, he cried.

So, a week passes, and I'm at a serious loss as to what to do. I was thinking of calling his mom...I didn't know what the hell to do. I was overwrought with concern and worry.

About a week later, we meet up at a bar again, and he tells me, "By the way...what I told you about a week ago? That was a joke. I wanted to give you something to *really* worry about."

And I stopped talking to him for four months. Fucking asshole.

And this was the FIRST TIME he fucked up.

Time passed, he said he was so sorry and I forgave him for playing such a dirty trick. He apologized up and down, and we were friends again. He moved to New York, and I was so sad that he was leaving me, etc.

He spent months convincing me to move up there, telling me that everything would be so great. I looked forward to a new life in New York away from everything that was making me aggravated here in New Orleans.

So I moved to New York.

At first, things were so great. He and his boyfriend, Stuart, took me out on the town. They were being very generous- buying me drinks and paying for cab fare. They were being cool, and things were peachy.

Then it all went to shit.

First of all, things were not so great at work for me. They cut my hours from full-time to part-time, and I was pretty scared about money. I informed Ryan and Stuart that I would only be able to pay the necessary bills-no luxuries for me. (You see, they have dial-up internet and premium movie/cable TV). So, they said that would be fine, and that I would just have to keep my end of the bargain- no TV or internet use for me until I could help with those bills. That was fair.

Then, Ryan started dogging my friends (who I'm convinced he's extremely jealous of) back in New Orleans. He talked shit about K. He talked shit about LoLo. And he talked shit about Meredith. He even talked shit about me- to my fucking face! I *know* that he's extra-jealous of K because K is the "other gay boy" or whatever. And he knows that I was in love with K, which, I guess makes him feel less enamoured by me or some shit.

Yeah, well he's right to be jealous. K has surpassed him in uncountable ways. And K would NEVER.......

So, this whole situation was starting to make me feel pretty damn uncomfortable. He was being such a superficial, petty, trendy, critical fuck- making uncultured remarks about my friends...right down to the way they dressed. He's such an arrogant, snotty, fake little fuck. I would LOVE to see someone have a go at the way he dresses/looks. He's no damn god. And his personality makes him all the more ugly.

And THEN...to top it all off...the two little monsters started hiding the remote control for the TV, and hooking up the computer so that I couldn't access it. Unbelievable, huh?

The reason I found this out was because I DID try to access the computer, thinking that I had given them the money for that month's bill, but it had really been *last* month's computer bill that I had paid. (I did use it the first month I was there to help w/ job searching, etc.)

I tried to log on, and noticed something fishy when I got an error message. I kept getting weird error messages about how the modem was disconnected. Then, I noticed that the remote control was NO where to be found in the room. This peaked my interest, and I made a mental note. Days passed, and still- no remote control. I'm not a fucking jackass...I put 2 and 2 together and figured it all out. PRICKS!

So, when I noticed this shit, it was OVER. They weren't trusting me at ALL- they just assumed that I'd fuck them over and watch TV or use the computer behind their backs. So, instead of believing me, that I really wouldn't use the comp. or watch TV, they instead treated me like a punished 4 year old, and HID the shit, like the little sneaky rat bastards that they are. AND, they KNEW that I had been doing job searches on that computer the first month I was there. Anyone else would have given me a break, and would have been more empathetic and understanding. I swear, they MUST have been thinking, “Gee…she just left everyone she knows and loves, moved to a whole new city, has a broken heart, gets a job, then loses hours at this job, and still- let's be petty uncompassionate little fuckers and treat her like she's unwelcome in her own goddamned apartment by doing trifling shit like hiding a remote control like she’s a bad dog who could misbehave at any moment.”

You know, I had to give my mom my fucking e-mail password, so that she could check on potential employer e-mails in my inbox at her job!

Ryan takes me out for drinks a few nights after that TV/computer episode had me seething, and I tell him at the bar, "You know, you've become such a judgmental person. If you and I just met today, we wouldn't be friends."

And yes, it was catty, but well-deserved, methinks.

So, then, a few days pass by and we haven't spoken a WORD to each other. He doesn't know that I'm secretly SEETHING at him and his retarded boyfriend for being such assholes about everything. And, finally, he knocks on my bedroom door one night and has pot, and wants to see if I want to go to the park and smoke it with him.

I went. And the whole time, I was being really fake- just acting like my old self. I wanted to see what reason HE had for not talking to ME. And soon enough, I found out.

We hung out for a bit, and strangely, things were like old times. Then, we had the talk.

He started the crying (oh, it's so fake) and sniveling, saying that what I said to him at the bar really hurt him, and that he knows we're different people, but that he couldn't believe that I said we wouldn't be friends if we had just met.

So, then I explained MY side. I said that it was fucked up that he'd knock all of my friends like that, and that it was SUPER fucked up for him and his stupid boyfriend to hide that shit from me, like they didn't trust me at all.

He talked all this smack like, "I know I'm judgmental and critical with people, and I'm that way with myself too. I pray to God that I won't be like that anymore."

What bullshit.

And what about the hiding of the remote control, and the unhooking of the computer?

He said, "Me and Stuart came up with that together, and from day one, I knew that it was an asshole thing to do. But it was our way of showing you that we really meant business about it, and it's only fair that if you're gonna watch TV or use the computer, you pay the bills."

I told him that that was the way I understood things from the fucking get-go, and that there was no need to treat me like a child.

He apologized, and he made me confront Stuart, who also apologized. But I did let Ryan know that I think what he/they did was shit, and that he was on very thin ice with me.

Ryan later made us a nice dinner by candlelight, and wrote down nice things on a piece of paper like "DWGT- I love you." And, "DWGT, you mean so much to me."

And we hugged and made up, and life was pretty again. They stopped hiding things like childish little pricks, and we were all back to being happy roommates again.

Oh, but the party didn't last long.

So, Ryan and I are out again one night, lots of drinking. He was being generous and had bought all my drinks. We're trashed, at a diner, talking about how I might have to go home, because I still hadn't found a full-time position, and I couldn't afford the next month's rent.

Ryan said some weird shit like, "If you do have to go home, I want you to do what you said you would do if New York didn't work out for you." (meaning, me going back to school)

And then he went on to say, "And I will start getting my life up here together...I want to start DJ classes, and really work on that. And then, after a year passes, we should call on each other and see how things are going."

Well, this just shocked me. He wanted us to not talk for a whole year?

So, I made some noise about it, and asked him why, and said that that was a weird thing to say. He had no good answer. He just said that this is what we should do. I then played devil's advocate and said something to the effect of, "None of my other friends would ever just NOT talk to me for a YEAR for no good reason."

Well, that was it, you guys. He fucking flipped out...went absolutely crazy...started shouting at me IN the fucking diner, saying all this shit about how I'm such a negative person. All I see is the bad in people. Here he is buying me drinks and food, and all I can do is complain about him.

Uh, excuse me, WHAT?!?!

I had simply stated that it was a weird thing to say, and no one else I know would ever make a request like that.

AND, *ME* a negative person? I only see the bad?? Funny, Ryan. Funny coming from you- the ass who talks shit about people all the time, and is completely superficial, judgmental, and critical of others. FUNNY.

Then I say, “Oh, like you never say ANYTHING bad about me, huh? I’m sure you have complaints.”

So, he says, “Yeah, but I only talk to Stuart about any problems I might have with you…and that’s because he’s my BOYFRIEND.”

Unbelievable! I don’t have a boyfriend. So, therefore I have no right to bemoan a situation to my friends at home? The same friends that he claims to not care what they think anyway? I certainly don’t give a shit what Stuart thinks of me. Just like he probably doesn’t care what I think of him. We’re not close or anything.

So, why does Ryan care so much about what K, or LoLo, or whoever may think of him? He’s not close with these people- I am. He talks shit about them and claims to not care about them at all.

Don’t contradict yourself, you paranoid fuck.

That wasn't it. We're outside now, and he starts cussing at me. He calls me a stupid cunt. Oh, no, honey. Not now, not ever. You don't ever say that kind of thing to me and mean it. EVER.

He is saying, "You are such a daft cunt! I KNOW that you're on your cell phone talking to all your friends at home about how much of an asshole I am. You never tell them the good things I do for you."

First of all, what a big ugly LIE. Everyone knows that he had always been very generous with me...buying me things...helping me out if I was broke, etc. I always told people that he took good care of me and when times were good, people knew that he was a giving and care-taking friend.

But you know what they say, "Can't buy me love."

Especially not when you dog my friends, hypocritically project your negative critical persona onto ME, act like an untrusting jerk-off, go ape-shit acting like a paranoid freak who thinks everyone’s talking bad about you, even though you’ve done fucked up things, and then call me a stupid cunt in public. Oh, NO.

And, another thing, yes I WAS telling people about the shit that he and his masochistic dimwitted little boyfriend were putting me through. My friends and family had a right to know the good AND bad of what was going on with me in New York. Did that asshole think I gave a fuck if he heard me telling it like it was??

In fact, I hope he DID hear me describing the shit they put me through. He deserves to hear how fucked up that was.

If you don't want people to know the asshole things you do, don't DO them, ASSHOLE!

So I made some comment, finally, after he stopped shouting, that I really had to make him look good to people back home after all the crap he put me through, so he should just shut his fucking mouth.

Then, he started screaming again, "You had to make me look good! This is unbelievable! After all the things I do for you!!"

This is when I just tuned him out. Sorry, but he should not expect me to tell only the good about him (how he buys me things) when he's doing such bad things to me (talking about my friends/acting like an asshole) that make me not even want to go to my own apartment at night because I feel uncomfortable and that he will act a prick at any second.

That's how I felt, and I had every right to report it to my friends at home. And unlike what he thought, I couldn't have GIVEN A FUCK if he heard me or not.

So, I smirked, and let out a weird sort of laugh, and went inside, and simply closed my bedroom door. He walked down the hallway and knocked on my door and said something that to this day I will never know. But I didn't hear him, and I didn't care to hear him, and I just turned out my light and went to sleep. Then, I made flight arrangements. My flight was to leave NY on Wednesday the 27th. I still had no job, and even if I had gotten one, I definitely wasn't going to live with that psycho.

I honestly believe that he has anger problems, an alcohol problem (definitely), and that he's probably bipolar or borderline. The way he flipped out was just maniacal- I think he's nuts. TRULY crazy. I think he still has an eating disorder. I think his brain might still be fucked from all the drugs.

And it bothers me the way his little flunky ditzy boyfriend picks up after him and kisses his ass and eats his shit and just agrees with whatever he says. He has no mind of his own. Ryan is definitely a control freak, and Stuart is probably scared of him.

I wouldn't put it past Ryan to hit him or bully him. You know, they used to have a dog, but she was too much trouble for them to keep her. But Ryan confessed to me one night that he used to hit and kick the dog, and that he threw her across the room once.

He's a stark-raving alcoholic lunatic with a serious anger problem who doesn't know who he is and has to say shit about others to make himself look better because he has no sense of self worth.

And his boyfriend is an idiot who has no confidence to stand up on his own and be his own person. He just agrees with whatever Ryan says, because he's probably scared to get his ass whooped.

Ryan knew he was on thin ice with me. And he blew it.

That was the end. All other communication between us was on fucking notes that we left for each other in the hallway. And when he wrote me a note saying that an old friend of ours was coming in to visit and would be staying with us unless I had a problem with it, I knew that I had to get out of there.

There was no WAY I was going to deal with three shitty little gay boys in one apartment with me, ESPECIALLY when Ryan and I were having such a horrible fight. Fuck that.

So, I packed my things and thought about what to do. My flight didn't leave until Wednesday. It was only Sunday. I had been up all night just packing, just wanting to get OUT, no matter what. I had NO ONE. My friend Carlos's apartment was too small to hold me and all my luggage. And Carlos's friend Justin was interested in me, and had totally macked on me before, and would probably have molested me or God knows what else if I had stayed with him for three fucking nights.

I called my mom. I told her everything. She changed my flight to Sunday (that day) at 5:30pm. I was elated! I didn't care about ANYTHING except for getting the fuck OUT. I still didn't get my picture of the Statue of Liberty. I didn't get most of the pictures I wanted to take. I had to leave behind my boom box, my AC wall unit, a pair of shoes, and some soap. It didn't matter.

I joyously called a cab, and left the empty apartment early for my flight that day. No one was home (thank GOD), and I left a cheeky post-it note on my bedroom door that said simply: "My flight left today. The stuff in the closet is for Carlos. He'll come by to get it sometime."

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So, now I'm home. It sucks that I had to leave some shit behind, but whatever. My beautiful K is moving to NY in December or January, and he said that he and his boyfriend would happily get my stereo back, and that his boyfriend Eminem wants to kick Ryan's ass.

K has been soooo sweet! He made me a mixed tape and smooched the shit out of me when he saw me. I'm so glad that I have him in my life. New York kinda knocked out my sadness for him. I accept the fact that we're meant to be great friends, and that's it.

Although shit was bad in New York, because of the fuckers I lived with, I did love the city, and I got to see a lot of it.

I met some cool people, went to some very cool places, and I'll be back there for a visit to see Eminem and K when they move there. I can take my pictures then.

It also taught me that what I really want to do in life is teach...I'll be working on that goal as soon as I can. And now I know that Ryan is fucking crazy. He's an asshole, and not worth my time or energy anymore, now or in the future. I'll never fool with that fuck-up again in my life.
There is no apology I will accept; nothing that he could do to win me back. He can NOT Ike Turner me anymore.

You get two chances with me...in essence, he's blown THREE. This is it.

But, I have two things to thank him for:

  1) Showing his true colors...now I know he's a maniac, and a fucked-up freak who I never want to associate with again...

And...

  2) Introducing me to K, who is truly my "gay boy" now.

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Thanks for reading my book, kids. Goodnight.

Your happy-to-be-home, ready to start all over, not to mention fuck-ass broke author, DWGT

Hey all. This is gonna be SO quick.
I'm sitting in a library, using their internet connection, and my time's almost up.
I love NY still...it's a cool place to be.
I do not love my job, however, OR my living situation.

My job has dropped me to part-time (so I'm currently seeking full-time work) hours, and I'm fuck-ass broke. Really. FUCK-ass broke.

My roomates are assholes. They are superficial, trendy, evil, whore-monging little shits. They are the complete anti-thesis of who I am. All they can talk about are skin products, their jobs, and how they (and other people) look. It's disgusting and surface and pathetic.

There's SO much more to the story, but I have like, 2 minutes left. Damn!!

K doesn't call me. Whatever. I've talked to him maybe three times since I've been here. And although he offers his love and support, I just see how it is, that's all. He's not there for me; not really. He and Eminem are up each others' arses!!

I did meet Smiths though, and he's a lovely charming boy.
I'm very happy we are in the same city now...it's good to have someone here who is SWEET and KIND.

More on the entire situation kids, next time I can get to a library/internet cafe.

Hope all is well with everyone here...

Your job-seeking, roommate-hating, and generally irritated author, DWGT

Thank you, new friend. :) I appreciate it!

Oh my God! HEY guys!! It's good to be back...Hope everyone here is swell! I need to catch up with the journals. I've missed ye olde stomping ground!
Well, here I am in New York. I'm getting settled in. Both of my roomies are out of town, so I've got the place to myself. So, right now, I'm watching "Shallow Grave" and smoking a cigarette. (We're not supposed to be smoking in the apartment- but ah well...)

I'm living in Brooklyn -it's cute. I like my area. I'm right by Prospect Park which is a really nice park. There was a concert there a few days back. Leonard Cohen and Rufus Wainwright performed. The concert was free- yeeeah. And although I was wayyy in the back, I got to hear Mr. Cohen sing "Suzanne" and "Famous Blue Raincoat". I also caught Rufus singing "Hallelujah", which was simply beautiful. I've already made a new friend who looks like Britany Spears but who loves Sigur Ros and Coldplay. (We'll get along fine!)

I've also hooked me a job. Which, I understand, is hard to do these days. My first few weeks here were insane. I was so scared that I'd have to go back home. I went on several interviews for temp agencies and the like- just trying to find SOMETHING. Thank goodness I got one. I'm an office assistant at a trading/PR company. The pay is good, and the hours are nice. I'm working near Broadway, so that's cool. Touristy area, but fine by me. I think I'll get on just fine there. I'm still training, but I'll be working full time by next month. Everyone I work with seems really sweet.

God- I STILL don't have my AC window unit hooked up, which means that right now my room is HOTTER THAN HELL. The first week or so that I was here, it was damp, rainy, and even slightly chilly. But now it's HOT. My best friend is sweet enough to let me sleep in his room while he's away. And we'll have to get mine hooked up when he returns.

I also want to paint my room a different color. It's this icky taupe peanut butter catastrophe right now, and I want something soft and more feminine. Maybe a very light, cool, icy pink color would be lovely. I'm sleeping on an air mattress, so I really want to get a proper bed soon as well. All in due time, DWGT, all in due time.

Anyhow, things are cool. I'm getting familiar with the subway more and more, and I like the restaurants and clubs here. My first night here I went to some cool places and to the Korova Milk Bar; that was fun. I got so drunk, though, and slept for a whole day afterwards because I felt so awful. I also got into a velvet rope club- Suede- because my roomie is on the guest list. All that shi-shi stuff doesn't really appeal to me. I'm no scenester, but it was cool just to say, "Yeah, I went to a club where Leonardo DiCaprio hangs out." Well...you know.

The best thing so far was an underground beach rave thing that a friend of mine who used to live in New Orleans but now lives in NYC knew about. It was like this electric acid beach party, and almost everyone was Russian. And on Ecstasy. So, I just sat there, enjoying the crisp night air, the music, and my beer as I chatted with a guy named Andrei.

So, I really love it here. I can't imagine going back to New Orleans any time soon. New Orleans seems so slow and quiet compared to NY. And that's a good thing.

I get a bit homesick from time to time- I especially miss my dad. I just worry about him because he doesn't really have anyone in his life. My parents are divorced, and my mom has a fiance, but my dad hasn't seen anyone in a while. His last relationship was really terrible- that woman was an asshole. So I just worry about him a bit. I'm here now, and my sister is moving to Mississippi soon to go back to school. The other one is still in New Orleans, but she spends all her time with her boyfriend, and hardly any time with my dad.

Sorry for the life story, but it's hard to be lonely. I just hope my dad is OK with being by himself, or finds someone to make him happy. I don't want him to be lonely- it's a painful thing. And I know all too well what it feels like.

On the K front- he was very sweet to me before I left. He told me that he'd miss me, etc. He gave me this cassette tape that he had as a kid. It's this goofy joke/song kid's tape, but that was a unique and sweet gift. He said that it reminded him of me, because I'm happy and fun, and there's also a song on there that he said reminds him of me. It's this crazy kid's song about a happy little yellow car filled with songs that goes "toot toot beep beep" or something when it goes down the street. That...well, you know what that did to me. It made me think he was wonderful. Blagh- whatever.

The weirdest thing- I couldn't stop smelling him before we said goodbye. I just hugged him for a long time, and kept breathing him in. I can't forget what he smells like. It was cute because he did it too. He was sniffing up on me, and we were hugging and smooching each other's cheeks, and it was all very cute.

He's back with Eminem now, and they seem happy. I've talked with K once since I've been here. And I've called him twice since we talked. He hasn't called me back. That's SO him. He's all wrapped up in Eminem world. Then one day that will get old, and he'll move on to someone new. I know how he works now. He never forgets you, but he moves on very quickly. He doesn't get attached.

Too bad that some people do though, huh?

Anyway, new life.....new life.....

I have to repeat my mantra. And I'm not holding my breath. He'll call me when he does, right?
Maybe I'll find me a new boy to dote on. A straight one this time, no?

Take care, guys.
Your lingering-in-lost-love author, DWGT