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Wednesday December 05, 01
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06:22 PM - I cant say Ho-Hum without imagining groteque prostitutes whisling while they wor
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I keep getting stuck on my worth. I think I keep getting stuck on it becasue I am not willing to admit to myself my own unimportance. I mean, I know I am unimportant. I know that in the big picture I am not EVEN a cog...I live in an alley around the corner and down the street from the machine shop that has the cogs. I feel so unrelated to anything.
Actually I am perfectly willing to admit my lack of worth and importance, but I feel that 50% of the population lacks worth and importance. I think there are too many people. Too many accidents.
If you arent suppossed to judge yourself by what others say about you, then how are you suppossed to judge yourself? Everyone says you suck and you sit alone nightly, but its not their opinions that matter.
Well, obviously it is other peoples opinions that matter. Becasue How happy do you feel, how confident are you, when you are sitting around by yourself for three weeks?
In the movie SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, Leah Thompson makes this great little speach at the end of the movie about how great it will feel to stand on her own now. But it is total crap, becasue she couldnt even handle it when her friends werent talking to her to begin with.
I cant go away, and I have to keep suffering through myself.
What is the answer then? If I am only supposed to judge my importance and my worth by my own standards, but I am not too in love with myself anyway...then what?
I hate being alive.
That probably isnt true, but I think it allmost every day.
I just dont see the point.
The whole WHATS MY WORTH idea popped in when I heard my friend tell me that I was "too good" for this guy.
How can I be TOO GOOd for someone else? How could they be TOO GOOD for me? IN the end arent we all just dumb monkeys? Some of us have more flashy sparkly things, some of us are more agile, but we all start from the begining and end up as fucked up adults who have kids who hate us.
How can anyone be too good?
and what if the person who says that is lying and gritting their teeth inside becasue REALLY you are an ass!
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Thursday August 23, 01
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10:32 AM - Hold On
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Im having a shitty day. My car broke down on the way to work and I had to walk the rest of the way here. Im totally tapped for cash now and the only money I have is the $200.00 cash that I was supposed to be giving to my landlord tonight...but now I will most likely not give it to him, and instead I will pay for my car to be fixed. It clunked alot and I know something inside is REALLY fooked! It is dead. I have been looking at the new Jettas for the past few weeks but I hadnt really planned on getting a new one untill January.
More Top Ramen.
aaaarghh.
I can never get financially ahead.
Job sucks, No money, No Car.
I keep hearing Sarah MacLachlan in my head "Hold on, Hold on to yourself, 'cause this is gonna hurt like hell"
Everything will work out. It will be fine. It will. It will. I just need to convince myself of that and beleive it and not fall into the depressive state I sometimes lump into...and everything will be fine.
hrrrrmmm.
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Monday July 02, 01
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05:25 PM - Weekend
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This weekend, I went to see AI. I thought it was ok. Visually stimulating. Went to Ozzfest on Saturday with my sister and her friend. Went backstage and couldnt get them back, tried to get more passes, lost my sister becasue the phones wouldnt work, got left at Ozzfest. Got a ride to Ontario with some friends and called Daddy to come get me.
I want to slap my sister. She is an idiot.
Saw Ozzy do "I am Ironman" wich was pretty cool, I didnt think he could breath well anymore, but he did a good show. Had two watercannon guns and shot water all over the audience. Then there was rain shooting out form the light rigging above the stage like in the REFLEX video from duran duran.....it was sprinkiling though, not flooding like the video. Saw Marilyn Manson wich wasOK...watched the mad Fires all over the lawn section. Got the front cartilage part of my inner ear peirced. Got a sunburn.
Moved all day Sunday to my new apartment. Got a guy friend of mine to help with the heavy stuff. (Yeah!) Walked inside and saw some kids fighting on the sidestreet of my apartment...heard gunshots five minutes later. One of them shot a van. WELCOME TO THE NEIHBORHOOD!
Slept like a baby last night and took the best shower in the world this morning and washed the weekend off! ahhhh!
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01:45 PM - GRRRRRRR.....
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I HATE MY BOSSSSSSS!!!!!!
I WANT TO POISON THE COFFEE HE ASKS ME TO BRING HIM!
HOPEFULLY I CAN PISS HIM OFF ENOUGH TO GET HIM TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! THE OLD BASTARD!
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Friday June 29, 01
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02:09 PM - Mozfest
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So tonight I am going to OC to see my dad and go see A.I.
Jude Law rocks. He is just the most handsome beautiful man in the world I am pretty sure. I heared from my friends who went to premieres that the movie is awful. But...how could it be? How could 2 hours of Jude Law be awful?
Ozzfest tomorrow. Not too stoked on any specific band, just more or less alot of friends are going and it might be fun.
Moving Sunday.
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02:06 PM - I was looking for a job...
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so today I had an interview at this management company. They only manage one band and about 15 record producers. The band is really cool and I used to book them alot when I worked at the club.
The interview went fine, but the manager said three times throughout the interview, "You're a pretty, attractive girl, and I dont want to have to worry that your going to hook up with one of the guys in the band and then not show up the next day."
THis infuriated me...I mean, the first time he mentioned it I politely blew it off, but the second and third time I just got really angry. Just becasue Im mildly attractive does not mean that I am going to screw the band. what kind of correlation is that!!??
I mentioned it to the friend of mine who got me the interview and she laughed and said tht her riend who they just got rid of actually did that.
- So that made sence I guess if they were leary, but...Still I wonder if that means he wont hire me.
hmmm
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Thursday June 28, 01
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04:52 PM - Strength to be gentle and kind
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So, I went out with this guy last night. He is a nice guy. He is cute. Unfortunately, he is mental. Insane people flock to me. Like, GLORY on BUFFY last season, when in her big power moment all the nut jobs broke out of the hospital to become her minions.
I like this guy in a "Hey how are you, whats up, polite conversation, leave" type of way. Sometimes he finds me alone and will sit and talk to me and if I have nothing else to do, I sit and listen to his stories. That is where things get bad...he starts to tell me about getting kicked out of his house at 10 years old, living on the streets, his mother dying, his old drug addiction, the time he has spent in jail, the five years he went without his gun permit when they took his gun collection back, and how excited he is now that he is soon getting his gun liscence back. He tells me about his day about how he went swimming and how great it was. The sun was soo hot! ..that is why it was so great to go swimming. He works every day and lives with his boss, and he doesnt mind working every day without one night off for 365 days because he doesnt want to say no to his boss. He said that becasue he has lived on the street for ost of his life, it is easier to be angry that he has to work, than angry knowing he has nowhere to live.
Last night he told me that becasue he works every day and has nonstop for the past 4 years, he is actually a millionaire and he cant wait to meet a woman who he can give it to as a present to show her he loves her and has been working for her to keep her safe.
I mean, he is really really sweet, and very nice and very decent. He has had a rough life and it is seen when he speaks. He is not educated, and understandably if he has been on the street since he was 10. He is a dumb simple boy.
He is goddam Forrest Gump.
And I feel awful becasue he doesnt have very many friends becasue he is slow..as I said, Gump slow...and Im not wanting to be his friend.
Is there a nicer person to be friend with? I can be his aquaintance but not his friend...and It is becasue when we went to coffee, his talking just puts me to sleep. There is no point to his stories. The stories that do have points are just sad tales about his past.
He is nice and when I think to myself, "This guy is a total mental case, Im out!"...I realise how guilty I feel.
Is it worse to be somones friend becasue you pity them or to just say hello and pretend to be friendly but avoid conversation with them?
He is the type of guy who doesnt have the lightbulb all the way lit.
I told him last night I would be his friend but I would not be romantically involved with him becasue I wasnt interested in that.
Sitting through his stories HURTS!
I must be stronger.
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Monday June 25, 01
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03:19 PM - Woop Woop!
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I may have found the key to depression. I have recently gotten into this lame habit of saying "Woop Woop!" whenever something good or happy happens to me. It has become this really retarded reflex And I was begining to hate myself for it becasue I was doig it every day very VERY often. So much that it became annoying, but right before I xcondemned myself for it, I realised something. I could count how many times a day good things were happening. How could I really be sad if I had on 13 occasions let out a "Woop Woop"?
It is sort of like a little signal inside my head that, "No, everything is not shit, look at the things that made you happy today!" and usually in my depressive state I would say "Nothing...Ive been shit all day" but I know now that its not true! becasue I HEARd my "whoop whoop!" and I cannot lie to myself.
Where was this back when I was younger? I dont know.
Woop woop! ( It really must irritate the fuck out of people around me...but it has backfired and now the other ladies in the office are whoop whooping as well.) :-)
---Lets see, My weekend. Friday noght I was hungover so I stayed in bed all night.In doing so I flaked out on my friend who in retaliation never went to get us coldplay tickets as she said she would...whatever) Saturday I boxed up some things to get ready to move, watched some real workld marathon and Famous Jet Jackson and Even Stevens on Disney. Went to see this guy "The Amazing Jonathan" briefly at the key club, went to the Roxy to see "Lloyd Cole" who I LOVE but he was only doing three songs I knew and when he finished them we left. (My friend didnt know him at all and was confused as to why I liked him). Then went to Bang, met an English guy whose friend was an ass. Sunday, went to get my nails done, Packed some more, Joined at the gym (24 hour fitness, $14.00 a month!) Went to mcdonalds. Went home, watched TV, went out around 2 got some pizza and soda, went to bed around 5am.
That's it.
Im obsessing right now over a guy who works in my office. He looks at me and my hair stand on end. I cant talk to him. I cant even look him in the eye. Im way too old for this.
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Friday June 22, 01
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11:03 AM - Last night
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Went to a party at this video company. they make music videos. I ran into a few people I know. Fred Durst was rumored to be there but I never saw him. Saw people from work, had 4 coronas. I had a good buzz going but then we all decided to ditch the party and go to a bar called RIX.
Proceeded to get totally pissed drunk. Played a game of "Spin The Bottle/Truth or dare" with the 4 coworkers I was with. Saw a penis, showed my t's, sucked an earlobe. Allmost had to french kiss my boss...but I sucked the earlobe of the girl next to me instead. Boss woman who was with us was made to french kiss the boss guy, and her exboyfriend just happenned to walk in to the restraunt and saw it. He said some shit to her about her being a tramp and awfulstuff so she xccried and we all went home.
I fell asleep around 1:30am. I havent done that in a long time! Woke up with an AWFUL hangover this morning! I feel like crap, vomiting in secret at work, got a email from the guy Im seeing, He dumped me.
Today is not my favorite day.
I just want to go to bed.
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Thursday June 21, 01
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11:43 AM - Last night
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Last night I went home after a long night at work and slept. I woke up to my roomate having a phsycotic attack yet AGAIN! She was talking to her wexboyfriend on the phone again, Screaming, crying, once again telling him how she would be dead in 15 minutes if he didnt say he loves her. Threatened to cut herself, cried and screamed more. I looked at my calander and thought...ahhh, two more weeks and I will be with the sane people.
I left the house to go to O'Briens pub around 12:00am. Went and watched Paul and The Cherry Kings play and had a Jack and Diet coke. One drink. It put a smile on my face, It was fun and nice. then went to The coffee shop to see a friend of mine who was sitting outside. I only meant to say hello, but ended up staying for 3 more hours. Got bacK home around 4:30 or 5:00am...Tried to go to sleep but started to watch a movie that has been playing on HBO for nearly a month now. (Note to self: look on HBO website and figure out what movie this is!) Its about this guy who sits on the lawn outside the house of a girl he likes for a whole summer.
I finally went to sleep around 5:30 and then woke upfully refresshed at 6:30 am feeling as if I had slept the night through.
I had been dreaming that I was working with a band and all of a sudden I was asked to join to sing backup vocals. They had heard me singing to myself....They said "We never knew youc ould sing that good!" and I said "Well, really, neither did I, I think it may be a fluke, so I dont think I should join your band"
Woke up, listened to the radio, watched TV.
boring. Oil.
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