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Sunday October 21, 01
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06:03 AM - poo
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Right then! First entry – wish me luck! :o/ God alone knows why I’m choosing to record my thoughts in this way; like most men even on Morrissey-Solo I only ever seem to think about one thing! But maybe I can try to pretend to think about other things and you can deduct the rest from yourself.
Today I rose late after spending nearly the whole night addicted online, amongst other things bemoaning the loss of my wonderful pornography forum of choice, which has been replaced with a phooey yellow one. I hate change – why won’t people admit to themselves that for the most part everything remains the same forever? I wonder what was the last truly original thing that happened? To give myself a break from downloading sad pornography and even sadder music (Kate’s Bush!) I had a look at some Laura Wossname websites (Her out of That 70s Show). She are lovely! So ginger – but is it real? I’m not sure if Smiths fans are allowed to like her because she once appeared on a GAP advert, but that won’t stop me!
Current Affairs: That whole Afghanistan thing is a right old can of worms. I vaguely remember that the original reason for it was to bring Osama Bin Liner to justice, but it seems to have turned into some bizarre exercise in justified death and destruction.
My life is a complete and utter mess right now. This journal can be a record of my journey from rags to Riches. I intend to start my journey by doing the washing-up. Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!
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Sunday September 23, 01
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02:36 AM - LOL @ Haze!
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You’ve given me this mental picture of confused and bitter tailors holding hands and skipping across cornfields now! (Shouldn’t that be cobblers? lol!) :oP
Also imaging you wrestling with your doll in public in the middle of the night! lol! Ahh! You’ve brought off my day to a fantastic start, matey! Cheers!
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Saturday September 22, 01
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03:55 PM - “Fear me not” – “No, marry. I fear thee!”
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Hey Haze!
I know exactly what you mean about bewildered tailors! I once had a gorgeous suit that I dearly wanted to be married in, oh this was ages ago now, so I gave it to my dressmaker to be altered but what she sent back made me look a complete buffoon! (so easy!) As if that would improve my prospects. Between you and me, I think she secretly fancied me and didn’t want me to be married at all. lol! But then again, I guess it’s just good business sense for seamstresses to give the impression of friendly lust to their punters. Needless to say, I was married in the suit anyway. Still got the pictures somewhere. No wonder all the other wedding guests look so bemused in them. I look like a half filled, dark grey sack with a buttonhole. Sometimes I wonder if it’s maybe for the best to buy clothes that fit in the first place and then try to keep your weight roughly constant, rather than all this nipping and tucking, but interestingly, that same old suit, despite the fact that I still hadn’t grown into it, got me one of the best jobs I have ever had (stacking shelves in Asda). Oh yes, before I forget, good luck with your move, Haze. I hope nothing gets broken!
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Today I ahrve been mostly listening to Pete Waterman’s greatest hits. There’s definitely something weird about that guy. I LOVE his Jackson Five remix:
“When I had you to myself, something something, around;
Those pretty faces always make you stand out in a crowd!”
My foolishness has got to the extent that I’ve had ‘Especially For You’ by Kylie and Jason on repeat nearly every time I’ve been near my kitchen stereo. Such an amazing song!
Took Bungle for a walk round the estate tonight. I always do this with my male cats (the girls feign disinterest). I kind of train them to follow me around in public like little puppies or something. We had a pleasant walk, all apart from the part where Bungle ran out into the middle of a busy road, sat down, had a little wash, and was surprised by a French Hot Hatch racing by and flashing him. He was not happy!
Still reading ‘Romeo and Juliet’. I’ve just got to the bit where they’re rowing about Nightingales and Larks.
Cranberrie sauce in autumn is WRONG!
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Tuesday September 18, 01
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07:24 PM - “I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me...
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I hold this truth to be self evident, that it is every Ade’s inalienable human right, to remain as stupid as he likes, in whatever manner he likes, for as long as he likes. So ner!
For Christ’s sake, what would the world be like if everyone went round worrying about how thick they are?
Have been feeling particularly dippy over the past few days. It’s been a bit scary. It was like “How can this happen to ME!? I am INVINCIBLE! (Surely?)”, and it’s been aggravated by the fact that everybody else seems to be getting cleverer, or even damn sexier(!), or even more cultured, spiritual, poetic, compassionate, insightful, charming, etc at a rate of nots, whilst I just degrade in senility. But tonight I decided that it’s my life, and I might as well attempt to enjoy at least some of it, so I’ve been trying to relax into the dippiness, to let it embrace me and make it more of a part of myself. Feels good, I can tell ya! And looks well on me too, don’t you agree?
Ahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa! Splutter.
*Rolling round on floor grinning, drooling and leering* :oP :oP :oP :oP :oP :oP :oP
...and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen."
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Saturday September 15, 01
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07:18 AM - Be copy now to men of grosser blood?
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Send in the SAS, take what we need and just leave. Put all that expensive stealth technology to good use. No rushing and pushing this time. Rushing and pushing is tragically overrated, and you often leave more of a mess behind than before you began.
I wonder if it’s at all possible that Afghan, Pakistani and Iraqi foot soldiers, the ones at the bottom of the ladder who are really only there to take bullets and make their leader’s cocks feel bigger, the ones who sit and smoke in the sun and cheat rations from the commissariat or the next squad like soldiers do the world over, could actually be nice people too? Do they have the potential to be just as nice as American, Canadian and British foot soldiers? What would a Brit be like if he had been brought up in a regime of extreme sexism and religion? Worth shooting? (Don’t answer) I reckon half the soldiers in existence are only there because it’s better than being homeless, or normal. And the uniform’s useful for pulling.
I entirely agree with Haze. It’s the leaders and politicians we should be capturing and putting against the wall, after all, it’s how they got to power in the first place. All the world’s greatest breakthroughs for peace have come when politicians have realised that their sorry lives are at risk too. There should be a new (or ancient) form of warfare where the only casualties are politicians. We have the technology, let’s scare the wits out of them! If they want power over other people’s lives then they should be forced to put theirs on the line. But the hideous thing is that sometimes it’s better the devil you know…
A war without clearly defined military objectives, whilst handy for demonstrating the newest and deadliest weapons we can flog to poorer countries, is usually wasteful and embarrassing.
All this talk of war is making me forget the pain of the people killed and who will suffer this year. Is that why we’re all doing it? Hideous. :o(
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Friday September 14, 01
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05:09 AM - 3-minute warning.
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Observed the three-minute silence. Even the kids playing in their bedrooms somehow kept quiet. There was total silence throughout our neighbourhood. No traffic noise or anything. People all wanted to show respect and show that they care. Everyone I have interacted with today has been kind and polite, as if we’re all trying to squeeze some good out of this. I hope we can.
Everyone on this side of the Atlantic has got so much to be grateful to America for. America and American people have always tried to do what is right. Everyone in the western world owes so much of their education and sense of what is right or wrong to American culture. I’m sorry if I ever forgot that. And it’s hideous that it takes something like this to remind me.
Watched the tribute service in St Paul’s. It was packed and people were standing outside too. It started with The Star Spangled Banner. The mix of a cathedral organ and thousands of European accents singing the American anthem was a beautiful and powerful thing. The Old World showing love for the New. One World now.
Tried to feel the pain of the families who have lost, as if somehow that might help them. Like a sort of prayer. The feeling’s been with me all day. Everything I watch or hear or read seems to be some kind of allegory for what happened and what must happen now. Definitely a day of mourning.
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Thursday September 13, 01
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09:06 AM - I'll just shut up, I'm only 25
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Absolutely everyone I know in real life was subdued yesterday. Feels like everyone’s been hit by some kind of shockwave. Felt awful nearly all day. Everyone I know looked awful all day. A police helicopter continually circled overhead to protect our liberty, but there were absolutely no other aircraft in the skies at all. Television is disgusting. And so are newspapers.
You look away from the TV for a few moments and start to feel the depth of the horror and loss, as if you’re on the edge of a precipice to a near bottomless pit of sorrow and terror, and then some ******-up emotional safeguard in your head pulls you back, to watch once more the continual footage of two aeroplanes smashing into two skyscrapers. The number if people in my family who have said, “It’s just like some special effect from a movie or something”, and then go on to rant against special effects in movies. Bloody movies.
Sometimes it feels like I have no right to be upset, when I’m so far away and none of my own family have died. It seems like I’d be somehow making light of the grief of the people directly involved, because I just can’t take it as hard as they are taking it. The goodbye phonecalls are terrible. And at other times it feels like this is about every human being on the planet, and the only way to evolve through this as a species is for everyone to grieve together.
A political hero (contradiction in terms) of mine once said that the best way to stamp out terrorism would be 1000 accurate, swift, covert killings in one night, followed by lots of public denial. Maybe this would work in the short term, but I reckon one day they’d be back to hit us even harder. I can’t think of any guerrilla war in history where punishment didn’t just exacerbate the problem. Thatcher and Reagan both said “We will never give in to terrorism!” but terrorism never gave in either.
Another way to stop terrorism is to try to find a way to stop the terrorists hating you. This is the most difficult political action you can take, because people often accuse you of being a pussy (What’s wrong with pussies FFS?), and terrorism is a hard habit to break.
I’m such a hypocrite. If a load of religious fanatics bombed Britain, I’d want to have the perpetrators publicly tortured in Trafalgar Square, by skilled Afghan women wielding knives.
I wish there was a way to expose all the people involved in this tragedy, to publicly highlight and embarrass the history and agenda of everyone who contributed. If everyone actually knew the reasons why, then maybe it wouldn’t happen again. People might be less inclined to become armed religious fanatics, etc., etc.
You can always throw ‘em in jail or execute them afterwards.
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Helen went to the unemployment orifice today to sign on for us. England is ours and it owes us a poverty line. (well it doesn’t really, but for now we’ll just take take take anyway) She used her bra-straps, cleavage and her posh accent (girl drawl) to avoid all the most difficult questions they ask when they’re trying to avoid feeding you. She’s so clever!
Took a break from all the grieving and anger to watch something beautiful. I had no idea of such things. I must find out more.
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Wednesday September 12, 01
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02:13 AM - -
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Feel deadened at what happened. And angry (which really won’t help anything) at all the people who contributed to bringing about this atrocity. Innocent civilians died and will suffer because of the thoughtlessness, hate and arrogance of some.
At times like these it sometimes seems as if maybe the best thing to do is keep quiet and try to feel it, or pray, or do something for the people you know closest to the epicentre, rather than venting your initial emotion in public and maybe making things worse. I got really angry at all the journalists on television who were practically baying for war, and the others who seemed to be using this disaster to further their fame. Sometimes it feels like it’d be actually disrespecting all the people hurt closest to this disaster by expressing stuff that you’re feeling 3500 miles away.
And I feel such respect for the people who were brave enough to show true aid, compassion and sympathy for the ones killed or hurting from the start. The people who could immediately do something positive. The fact that people from the emergency services, who dedicate years of their lives entirely to helping others, were killed is just hideous. I expect that they’re REALLY the ones who go straight to paradise. Give them strength in repairing the damage.
I don’t know what to say. When something this awful happens it takes a while to even begin to feel the scale of it. Yesterday I was numb yet shocked. Today I’m starting to feel the sadness and horror of it. I dearly hope all the people I have met here from NY will be ok, and that all the people here that know others in NY will make contact with them soon.
All the people lost.
All the people who have lost.
All the people devastated.
All the people trying to help.
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Monday September 10, 01
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04:19 PM - There be Giants among us!
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Mrs Ade has a new Internet Beau. His name is Beetle. I have a feeling that he may help cure my Internet addiction. Last night she played online scrabble with him until 3:30am whilst I sat and read hopefully. Every now and then she would scream, “Is ‘evt’ a word?” and give me the shakes. When they had finished with scrabble they chatted in the bedroom until 5. Apparently, he is six-foot-six-inches tall, has a Mohican hairstyle, has been expensively educated and works in a factory. He is a little bit camp, and has a stutter but never lets it show, so when you talk to him his conversation is laden with interesting little pauses. But he doesn’t flirt. At first this threw Mrs Ade, who has never really got on with men in the past unless they’ve been trying to get into her knickers. Mrs Ade is frightened of Beetle’s girlfriend. I guess I should be insanely jealous too. It’ll all probably just blow up in my face. Ah well. All part of Life’s rich doormat.
Apparently Beetle phoned again tonight:
“Hello. Ready for Scrabble?”
“Umm – ok then…”
“Rack ‘em up, I’ll be home in five!”
Which I think she quite liked, in a bemused kind of way.
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Sunday September 09, 01
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06:51 AM - “…And the judge and the jury, they all put the blame on me…”
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We watched ‘Quills’ last night. Helen made this gorgeous meal and put little nightlite candles all round the living room. Was really nice. We were just settling down for an enjoyable movie experience when, as at all such times in our lives, Mr D came round and embarrassed us. So we forced him to sit through it too.
Mrs Ade and I both love erotic fiction. Ray Gordon is the best and the worst author we’ve come across. It’s interesting how if an erotic novel is going to be ‘safe’, no matter how horrifying the subject matter, it has to be written cheap, with loads of cliché. Some of the most disturbing erotic fiction I’ve come across has been about reasonably straightforward sex, but the standard of writing is such that it affects you deeply. Mind rape.
When Mr D had gone and Mrs Ade had retired, I snatched a few brief hours with a good friend. They just made things worse! ,o)
“It’s been decided we’re weak when divided - Let friendship double up our powers!” :o)
Have been troubled by interesting dreams the last few times I’ve slept. Mrs Ade says she had erotic nightmares last night too. I think we’d both much rather dream about cups of tea!
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DWGT - Thanks for saying Allo! I had no idea I wasn't annoying you! Good to see you back too! :o)
Hand - Yeah! Tarot is way freaky! Helen has just started learning about it. The first reading she did for both of us was just so accurate! Every card fit! I love that feeling you get when you're asked to shuffle the pack and you try to be really 'open' and relaxed. So damn cool.
B-Dawg - Where did you go? You were the only thing that kept these journals insane! Is Morrissey still worrisseying about you? Or did he just run off (with a plomb)? Sexciting!
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