Post Whatever You Are Thinking At This Very Moment

[countthree]

i just wish i knew when i was going to get gray hair. i wish there was some certainty about it. i spent the last 5 years of my life growing back my hair from it thinning and dealing with the hideous rust colour of it (both due to low ferritin) and now after all that it might just on a whim turn gray. i almost feel i should shave it off and wear a head scarf. then at least i would get to keep my otherness, not be lumped in with every other old gray haired person on the planet.
that's what i hate about old age, is the lack of options when it comes to persona, the lack of ways to differentiate yourself. you have to be wise, you have to be sensible, you have to be healthy; to do otherwise would be undignified. i imagine getting old is like being burned alive: you feel all your familiar characteristic features melting away, becoming indiscernable.
i think i would be more accepting of aging if i had done something with my youth, filled it up as much as possible. but i didnt. i thought i had all the time in the world. in fact, until recently i still thought i had all the time in the world. i look younger than my age (i think? at least until a couple of years ago i looked much younger than my age, but that might have caught up with me too, wahhh), i thought i could just pretend to be younger and go on that way indefinitely. and then it hit me, one gray hair and i will be betrayed. this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
but i want to be clear that my issue with age is only how it personally affects me. in other people i dont feel that youth is any better. in fact most of the people i admire in life are older. there are countless women in their fifties who i find endlessly appealing and lovely and admirable. so this is not me disparaging older people, this is not me having been conditioned by society to think that youth is better, because i look at most young people with distaste. it's just that i have this great affection for myself young, that is, for my young self. i dont want to lose it. it seems incredibly sad to me, like a death itself. i have no faith that i can go through such a phase transition as becoming old and still be the same person. it's like staring into an abyss. its common to be fatalistic when one loses ones mother when they are young, as i did. i think i always just assumed that i too would die young. well surprise, i didnt. so what now? hell if i know.

ho humm.

anyways, thank you for this, it's been very therapeutic!

It seems you were deceived by your own looks and your maturity surprised you.

You should dye your hair in a shade of green, like emerald green. It's such a young colour! I would do it if I could

 

[nicky wire's legs]

I try not to put the cart before the horse on stuff like this. I can't control the future. I mean I have a good idea by my actions today on what the future may bring me though. I love being exactly the age I am. I would say that that began at about 20 years ago, accepting exactly where I was and what was good of my own creation. So I don't wish upon having the old days back and don't future trip about what hasn't happened yet. I think I had it good at say 25, hell, I put that guy to shame with the quality I am of my life today. Maturity has many levels, none are bad, but I'm in a level now that has been more fulfilling that ever before. I predict the same interpretation of the way I live for the next year and the years after if I keep living the way I do. That is my experience anyway.

i like the age i am too, i just wish it could stay like that forever. but you're right, it's possible that ill still like myself in 10 years. my visions of the future always tend to be unjustifiably bleak. my problem i think is that i over-conceptualize life. i dont live it. i spend my time sitting around thinking about how everything must be arranged for life to be worth living. and then when i think i know where i am and i've got it figured out, it, or i, goes and changes, and then i have to start from scratch. some people just naturally know how to live, you sound like one of them. i've always sucked at that. i've always had too many conditions.

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It seems you were deceived by your own looks and your maturity surprised you.

You should dye your hair in a shade of green, like emerald green. It's such a young colour! I would do it if I could

you first! i dont see why you cant! it sounds nice, but i have very light skin, i'd probably look ill

 

[countthree]

you first! i dont see why you cant! it sounds nice, but i have very light skin, i'd probably look ill

I will, the day I don't need to work anymore. I'm very pale too, that's the color of my eyes. I don't think it will look ill on anyone. Emerald green is the shade of the rainforest. It's nature growing.

 

[nicky wire's legs]

I will, the day I don't need to work anymore. I'm very pale too, that's the color of my eyes. I don't think it will look ill on anyone. Emerald green is the shade of the rainforest. It's nature growing.

it sounds lovely, i dont think i'd have the courage though. i really like the lavendar shade of hair colour everyone around here is wearing.
you're pale? what?!? so you mean not only does argentina have winters but it has pale people too?!? and here i was picturing you as a bronzed goddess who does nothing but surfs and suns all day. i think i really need to research argentina, beyond the movie evita (which is fab, i love eva peron), i probably sound like those people who think canada is all moose and igloos

 

[nicky wire's legs]

for a long time now i have been interested in becoming an illegal immigrant and wondering if it's actually possible (no, not actually in manchester, although the ideal place would be one that is cold and rainy). for years, it had always been austria. i didnt care where in austria, it just had to be austria. i was obsessed with austria. austria to me represented the perfect world in those drawings you make in elementary school where daisies are as tall as trees and the sun is in a corner of the page. i had the same feelings for austria that holly golightly had for tiffanys: that it was a place where nothing very bad could ever happen (despite what history might have to say about that). i once spent six weeks in austria in a town called st.polten, a town i thought at the time sadder than auschwitz. and yet, some crazy feeling told me this is the place for me. so that when i came back home i could be found crying at work, crying at the bus stop--any number of basket case portrayals of unattainable longing--over austria. ridiculous, i know.

in another austrian town, linz, there is a museum of modern art, which held at the time i was there an exhibit, and part of that exhibit was a series of photos by some austrian artist or other whose name i unfortunately did not mark down in my brain (though i did try emailing the lentos museum about it but in true austrian form they proved to be quite non-responsive). the series was entitled 'rebels', if i remember correctly. and one of the pictures in the series caught my eye immediately. it was called, i think, "the rat girl"; a portrait of a defiant, yet quaint, somehow rustic, looking young girl with a dead rat hanging around her neck. i knew instantly that she had to be me, that i was the rat girl, and that that's who i was to become once i moved to austria to begin my new hard scrabble life as an illegal immigrant. rather than being discouraged, on the contrary, i was encouraged every time i heard about some case from austria involving dungeons and kidnapped children. clearly there were a lot of lonely people in austria with no qualms about taking in strangers or even making sure it's legal! might they not take in a nice young girl just for the company? oh there was no way i would ever have sex with them, but i reconciled myself to the fact that i might have to be forthcoming with a handjob every now and again, which would be okay, as long as i had access to soap and running water. i felt that if i was there voluntarily i probably wouldnt have to live underground, but would it be so bad to live underground? you would be so certain of your days. think of all the reading you could get done. everytime the person came down with food it would be like christmas: instant rush.

well i never did become the rat girl and the time for that is long passed, and even as questionable as it all seemed in retrospect i'm a little sad about that. there is still part of me that wants to be the rat girl. i still wonder what she was about. what was her purpose for being? now i will never know. and even though i know now that my vision was pretty half baked, i still have this same desire to be an illegal immigrant. i like to watch movies about illegal immigrants who get employed as cleaners in large houses, and i think to myself "hey, i could do that!". i could... clean. or something... but i still dont know if it's even possible, and it's not like theres anywhere to go to ask about things like this. how do you find this kind of work? what if you need to see a dentist, do you need documents or will they see you if you pay cash, things like that. i cant stay here anymore anyway. we're all going to die in a big earthquake soon, mark my words. "vancouver island will rip open like a zipper when overdue earthquake strikes' read one headline. i need to get out.

 

[Anonymous]

for a long time now i have been interested in becoming an illegal immigrant and wondering if it's actually possible (no, not actually in manchester, although the ideal place would be one that is cold and rainy). for years, it had always been austria. i didnt care where in austria, it just had to be austria. i was obsessed with austria. austria to me represented the perfect world in those drawings you make in elementary school where daisies are as tall as trees and the sun is in a corner of the page. i had the same feelings for austria that holly golightly had for tiffanys: that it was a place where nothing very bad could ever happen (despite what history might have to say about that). i once spent six weeks in austria in a town called st.polten, a town i thought at the time sadder than auschwitz. and yet, some crazy feeling told me this is the place for me. so that when i came back home i could be found crying at work, crying at the bus stop--any number of basket case portrayals of unattainable longing--over austria. ridiculous, i know.

in another austrian town, linz, there is a museum of modern art, which held at the time i was there an exhibit, and part of that exhibit was a series of photos by some austrian artist or other whose name i unfortunately did not mark down in my brain (though i did try emailing the lentos museum about it but in true austrian form they proved to be quite non-responsive). the series was entitled 'rebels', if i remember correctly. and one of the pictures in the series caught my eye immediately. it was called, i think, "the rat girl"; a portrait of a defiant, yet quaint, somehow rustic, looking young girl with a dead rat hanging around her neck. i knew instantly that she had to be me, that i was the rat girl, and that that's who i was to become once i moved to austria to begin my new hard scrabble life as an illegal immigrant. rather than being discouraged, on the contrary, i was encouraged every time i heard about some case from austria involving dungeons and kidnapped children. clearly there were a lot of lonely people in austria with no qualms about taking in strangers or even making sure it's legal! might they not take in a nice young girl just for the company? oh there was no way i would ever have sex with them, but i reconciled myself to the fact that i might have to be forthcoming with a handjob every now and again, which would be okay, as long as i had access to soap and running water. i felt that if i was there voluntarily i probably wouldnt have to live underground, but would it be so bad to live underground? you would be so certain of your days. think of all the reading you could get done. everytime the person came down with food it would be like christmas: instant rush.

well i never did become the rat girl and the time for that is long passed, and even as questionable as it all seemed in retrospect i'm a little sad about that. there is still part of me that wants to be the rat girl. i still wonder what she was about. what was her purpose for being? now i will never know. and even though i know now that my vision was pretty half baked, i still have this same desire to be an illegal immigrant. i like to watch movies about illegal immigrants who get employed as cleaners in large houses, and i think to myself "hey, i could do that!". i could... clean. or something... but i still dont know if it's even possible, and it's not like theres anywhere to go to ask about things like this. how do you find this kind of work? what if you need to see a dentist, do you need documents or will they see you if you pay cash, things like that. i cant stay here anymore anyway. we're all going to die in a big earthquake soon, mark my words. "vancouver island will rip open like a zipper when overdue earthquake strikes' read one headline. i need to get out.

Why don't you try Syria. I heard they will welcome you with open arms.

 

[Ebola]

Rifke, you can go to Russia legally and try to live like common people here

 

[nicky wire's legs]

really? i dont know if it's that easy.... i'd need a visa just to visit. i really love russia though (although i've never been there), and everything russian.

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Why don't you try Syria. I heard they will welcome you with open arms.

aw was that a pun? im so proud of you!

 

[Anonymous]

really? i dont know if it's that easy.... i'd need a visa just to visit. i really love russia though (although i've never been there), and everything russian.

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aw was that a pun? im so proud of you!

We know you like to parade around here with your supremacy flag, but I don't recall you receiving the Pulitzer award yet, so calm down and crawl under the rock where you belong.

 

[No1uno]

i like the age i am too, i just wish it could stay like that forever. but you're right, it's possible that ill still like myself in 10 years. my visions of the future always tend to be unjustifiably bleak. my problem i think is that i over-conceptualize life. i dont live it. i spend my time sitting around thinking about how everything must be arranged for life to be worth living. and then when i think i know where i am and i've got it figured out, it, or i, goes and changes, and then i have to start from scratch. some people just naturally know how to live, you sound like one of them. i've always sucked at that. i've always had too many conditions.

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you first! i dont see why you cant! it sounds nice, but i have very light skin, i'd probably look ill

some people just naturally know how to live, you sound like one of them. i've always sucked at that. i've always had too many conditions.

Life and my postings. Well, I don't want to make it seem easy. I don't believe life is easy. The older I become, it requires more tact and presence than ever before. Compounding in complexity and taking me to new places around every corner. It takes me a tremendous conscious effort to steer things in a positive manner that meets with my views as a man and my attempt to follow some morals to living life to the fullest. But also to simply explain the reasoning to the people around me so they know exactly who I am. The flip side to that is to be emotionally connected to other people, I have to listen to who they are and accept them for who they are. I believe what we are subjected to shapes us and although not a rule, some simple thing are very true. We are all individual beings and no one should rob us of our personal feelings, good or bad.

To say I don't have self doubt about myself and the future would be a disservice to how complicated life is.

My son and I recently went and saw dead pool. He is a teenager and after the movie he made a statement that the one sex scene was weird because he just didn't feel ready for that. It sounded to me like a great time to talk just about that.

I asked him if the fight and death scenes affected him in a similar way and he said "no and that's not real", and I responded but love is real. So I told him that between the two types of scenes, he felt he could handle seeing one but not the other that was represented in the movie. He responded that yes that was true for him.

I asked him to explain why and he stumbled to characterize why he felt that way. I stated to him that maybe because he has been exposed to more violence on TV, movies and video games and that he had been exposed less to two adult people who care for each other, showing affection in what I clarified as behavior that is common among adults.

So I proffered to him and asked, why would we as people accept that we can handle violence through regularity but turn away from love between two people. I didn't want to immediately change him but I wanted him to see the difference in the feelings about the subjects and how complicated thinking can be about life.

I cannot protect him from everything. He is also not a robot that I can just feed information and then he magically has a adult processed thinking awareness. I can only ask him the conflict question. He is then allowed to wonder why it is this way in his head. Hopefully he can see the conflict and use that same question of "why would I think" this or that about things so he can choose his truth of who he is for himself.

A moment so simple, but clearly complicated in how it can be addressed. Or you can just completely overlook it and not care, hoping this little guy gets the tools of life from all that life has to offer, which at this point, has him fine with one part of life but not all of it, good and bad.

You've got to point out the good, if you don't do it, who will. That is not easy, for anyone.

 

[nicky wire's legs]

Life and my postings. Well, I don't want to make it seem easy. I don't believe life is easy. The older I become, it requires more tact and presence than ever before. Compounding in complexity and taking me to new places around every corner. It takes me a tremendous conscious effort to steer things in a positive manner that meets with my views as a man and my attempt to follow some morals to living life to the fullest. But also to simply explain the reasoning to the people around me so they know exactly who I am. The flip side to that is to be emotionally connected to other people, I have to listen to who they are and accept them for who they are. I believe what we are subjected to shapes us and although not a rule, some simple thing are very true. We are all individual beings and no one should rob us of our personal feelings, good or bad.

To say I don't have self doubt about myself and the future would be a disservice to how complicated life is.

My son and I recently went and saw dead pool. He is a teenager and after the movie he made a statement that the one sex scene was weird because he just didn't feel ready for that. It sounded to me like a great time to talk just about that.

I asked him if the fight and death scenes affected him in a similar way and he said "no and that's not real", and I responded but love is real. So I told him that between the two types of scenes, he felt he could handle seeing one but not the other that was represented in the movie. He responded that yes that was true for him.

I asked him to explain why and he stumbled to characterize why he felt that way. I stated to him that maybe because he has been exposed to more violence on TV, movies and video games and that he had been exposed less to two adult people who care for each other, showing affection in what I clarified as behavior that is common among adults.

So I proffered to him and asked, why would we as people accept that we can handle violence through regularity but turn away from love between two people. I didn't want to immediately change him but I wanted him to see the difference in the feelings about the subjects and how complicated thinking can be about life.

I cannot protect him from everything. He is also not a robot that I can just feed information and then he magically has a adult processed thinking awareness. I can only ask him the conflict question. He is then allowed to wonder why it is this way in his head. Hopefully he can see the conflict and use that same question of "why would I think" this or that about things so he can choose his truth of who he is for himself.

A moment so simple, but clearly complicated in how it can be addressed. Or you can just completely overlook it and not care, hoping this little guy gets the tools of life from all that life has to offer, which at this point, has him fine with one part of life but not all of it, good and bad.

You've got to point out the good, if you don't do it, who will. That is not easy, for anyone.

sounds like you are a mindful person, and you are teaching your son to be mindful. which is the best tool a person can have, because even if they dont make all the right decisions they may at least learn from their mistakes. and i think it's the only way to avoid having regrets too, because you'll at least know you did the best with what was available to you. i dont feel like ive been very mindful the best ten years, or really steered my own ship. i think my issue with getting older, is not being old per se, but being old and unaccomplished. realizing that i've been very passive about my life.

maybe the sex scene made him uncomfortable because he was watching it with his parent? i know i feel uncomfortable watching sex scenes with anybody else. i mean, i dont like them in general! especially when the characters are people i dont like, that makes it even harder. arent things generally easier to watch when they arent real? (although i dont like any kind of gore, so if it was a gorey death scene, i would take the icky annoying sex scene over that)

 

[Uncleskinny]

sounds like you are a mindful person, and you are teaching your son to be mindful. which is the best tool a person can have, because even if they dont make all the right decisions they may at least learn from their mistakes. and i think it's the only way to avoid having regrets too, because you'll at least know you did the best with what was available to you. i dont feel like ive been very mindful the best ten years, or really steered my own ship. i think my issue with getting older, is not being old per se, but being old and unaccomplished. realizing that i've been very passive about my life.

maybe the sex scene made him uncomfortable because he was watching it with his parent? i know i feel uncomfortable watching sex scenes with anybody else. i mean, i dont like them in general! especially when the characters are people i dont like, that makes it even harder. arent things generally easier to watch when they arent real? (although i dont like any kind of gore, so if it was a gorey death scene, i would take the icky annoying sex scene over that)

 

[nicky wire's legs]

it's not my fault. this thread is entitled post whatever you are thinking at this moment. so i do. i thought it was compulsory.

 

[nicky wire's legs]

hey i have an idea: maybe you should post more of what you think. i dont mean the negative responses to other posters stuff. but like, here, in this thread. you must have something to say that isnt a criticism or curmudgeonly response. who knows? you might find that some free association type posting does you a world of good, and can be very therapeutic. maybe even improve your sex life. i, for one, am interested in hearing what you think about when you're not being a humorless lout.

 

[ZOOM FROM GLOOM]

hey i have an idea: maybe you should post more of what you think. i dont mean the negative responses to other posters stuff. but like, here, in this thread. you must have something to say that isnt a criticism or curmudgeonly response. who knows? you might find that some free association type posting does you a world of good, and can be very therapeutic. maybe even improve your sex life. i, for one, am interested in hearing what you think about when you're not being a humorless lout.

 

[CrystalGeezer]

"Im gonna get these bitches to catfight it'll be glorious."

 

[Ebola]

I wonder, where is the point or understanding that you failed as a musician and should find a job

 

[nicky wire's legs]

I wonder, where is the point or understanding that you failed as a musician and should find a job

when you lose the passion and not before. if you never had the passion and just wanted to be a musician because you fancied the lifestyle then you should probably just find a job. but if the passion is there then you should devote everything to it, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel at the moment.

i myself have a job, and it's a very mediocre awful job (although i do enjoy the people i work with except for those times i feel like familiarity has turned them into boring assholes), but the important thing to me was always that i was never committed to it. i never made a commitment to anything. certainly i couldnt have ever brought myself to commit to anything. because i was always very very smart growing up, and just assumed that i would do something great. it never occurred to me that hard work would be a part of that. so for the last 10 years i've lived in limbo, not quite sure whether i wanted to exhert myself (oh, how i hate exhertion!) and do something great(!), or just do nothing, and be happy with the little things in life, which i really think i could also do and which would certainly be easier. the hard part, for me, is choosing which one. i have a very hard time with that because i dont feel pulled in any direction. but i think it's an important decision you have to make otherwise you live your life like i have, with a lot of wasted time. so examine yourself-- if you have the passion, if you are willing to work hard, then follow your bliss, no matter what. if not, look around, find something else that's maybe easier to attain.

 

[Anonymous]

when you lose the passion and not before. if you never had the passion and just wanted to be a musician because you fancied the lifestyle then you should probably just find a job. but if the passion is there then you should devote everything to it, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel at the moment.

i myself have a job, and it's a very mediocre awful job (although i do enjoy the people i work with except for those times i feel like familiarity has turned them into boring assholes), but the important thing to me was always that i was never committed to it. i never made a commitment to anything. certainly i couldnt have ever brought myself to commit to anything. because i was always very very smart growing up, and just assumed that i would do something great. it never occurred to me that hard work would be a part of that. so for the last 10 years i've lived in limbo, not quite sure whether i wanted to exhert myself (oh, how i hate exhertion!) and do something great(!), or just do nothing, and be happy with the little things in life, which i really think i could also do and which would certainly be easier. the hard part, for me, is choosing which one. i have a very hard time with that because i dont feel pulled in any direction. but i think it's an important decision you have to make otherwise you live your life like i have, with a lot of wasted time. so examine yourself-- if you have the passion, if you are willing to work hard, then follow your bliss, no matter what. if not, look around, find something else that's maybe easier to attain.

Wow. True.

 

[Ebola]

when you lose the passion and not before. if you never had the passion and just wanted to be a musician because you fancied the lifestyle then you should probably just find a job. but if the passion is there then you should devote everything to it, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel at the moment.

i myself have a job, and it's a very mediocre awful job (although i do enjoy the people i work with except for those times i feel like familiarity has turned them into boring assholes), but the important thing to me was always that i was never committed to it. i never made a commitment to anything. certainly i couldnt have ever brought myself to commit to anything. because i was always very very smart growing up, and just assumed that i would do something great. it never occurred to me that hard work would be a part of that. so for the last 10 years i've lived in limbo, not quite sure whether i wanted to exhert myself (oh, how i hate exhertion!) and do something great(!), or just do nothing, and be happy with the little things in life, which i really think i could also do and which would certainly be easier. the hard part, for me, is choosing which one. i have a very hard time with that because i dont feel pulled in any direction. but i think it's an important decision you have to make otherwise you live your life like i have, with a lot of wasted time. so examine yourself-- if you have the passion, if you are willing to work hard, then follow your bliss, no matter what. if not, look around, find something else that's maybe easier to attain.

Thanks, that is right. Sorry for your wasted time, I know what it is, but have you read Van Gogh's biography? The one which is called Lust for Life (1934), written by Irving Stone. It's very inspiring for everyone who cares about wasted time. Also, it might be silly, but, have you read autobiography of Alex James from Blur? It really affected me to move. It's interesting that passion to do nothing exist either. I mean, walking on the streets and smiling about everything is a great way to spend a day. Libertines used to sing "if you lost your faith in love and music, the end won't be long".