(Taken from the China China!: The Teen Chinese Magazine-CHINA SUN TIMES 1-11-01)
Who Masturbates the Most (which is a crime in our country!)
by Mao Tse Chong
It is true that while any sexual pleasure is considered a felonious crime in our great red land, Morrissey and is band stopped by our offices (okay office..alright, one bedroom stockade) to participate in our crazy contest: WHO MASTURBATES THE MOST?
The rules are simple, each band member was allowed to peruse our stack of pornographic magazines such as Vogue Australia, New York Times and the ultra-racy Martha Stewart's Living. Each band memebr must stay locked in the room for one hour and check off how many times they orgasmed (which is a second class felony provided that it is a man, for women to orgasm, it is life imprisonment at a hard labor depot).
All the members were happy to give it a go (ha ha ha, joking in China is also a misdemeanor so don't you do it!).
The results are in: The winner is Morrissey!
"Of course I would win, I am the best lover and I rarely reject myself" He masturbated 8 times in one hour.
Second place is Gary Day: However he is too drunk, so we cannot discern from the urine and the semen (which is considered a toxic if not illegal substance in China! Don't you do it!)
Third place is Spicklez: 2 times.
Alain Whyte was disqualified because he used a rubber vagina (which will toss you in jail for 6 years at the wonderful Feng Shui Academy of Hard Labor with degrees such as Rock smashing and wall building).
Boz Boorer was also disqualified because he claimed he never masturbates. "I'm not into yoga or being at one with one's mind by chanting..that sucks!"
The Chinese authorities will now run us over with a tank because of such insidious events such as orgasms and self pleasure. It is a good day to die!