based very loosely on Oscar Wilde, its the best thing since sliced bread. Ain't no mistakin'.....
A Very Frightful Forest
Scene: inside the church hall, councillor Jeremy Woods addresses his colleagues on plans to redevelop the site of the old dog factory into a marvellous area of woodland and splendour.
Cr Woods: Gentlemen, what can I say? Nothing!! The plan to transform the old dog factory is my finest yet – within months we shall have a luscious forest area where the children can play and the adults roam. We shall be the envy of every town in the land. Even the Russians shall flock to see the trees.
Linda Door: May we plant Oak trees councillor?
Cr Woods: Oak Trees, Sycamore Trees, Pine Trees and even a Mulberry Bush around which we shall skip.
Linda: Round the bush?
Cr Woods: Round the bush Miss Door!!! Here we go round the Mulberry Bush. I do like bushes Miss Door, racing around them as so relaxing. Here we go round the mulberry bush. Ah, much more relaxing than walking a dog and social too!!
Tommy Beech: Shall there be no more dogs Councillor?
Cr Woods: Dogs are so passé!!!! If I were to accompany a dog in the street today the townsfolk would roll their eyes and my office stay would be short.
Linda: a short stay?
Cr Woods: Short as a dodo!! Lets get down that site straight away and start planting trees, the forest will have grown by noon and the centrepiece shall be a beautiful mulberry bush. Will you accompany me in the first dance around it Miss Door?
Linda: A dance!! My goodness!! I’ll have to buy a new wig.
Cr Woods: A wig and a cape!!
Linda: Oh Councillor! A cape! How romantic – I am so excited! If only I weren’t blind.
Cr Woods: Eyes are overrated Miss Door, do not crave eyes as you have such beautiful ears and a chin of dazzling grandeur. We shall dance by moonlight and there will be no need for eyes. It will be a night of nature, capes, music, oak trees and dance, magnificent dance!!
Tommy: With whom shall I dance councillor?
Cr Woods: Frankly Mr Beech, your dancing partner is not my concern. The forest shall be lush, pray a beaver or an elk quickly evolves and a dancing partner you shall have.
Tommy: An elk?
Cr Woods: do not underestimate the powers of nature Mr Beech, an elk tripping the light fantastic by moonlight is a marvellous sight.
Linda: Oh councillor! You have seen such a thing?
Cr Woods: Oh many times my blind beauty, many times.
Scene: After the motion to create the forest passed unanimously, the 3 councillors arrived en masse at the site of the old factory and began planting trees. After an exhausting session the three retired and returned in the morning to find a forest had grown from the seeds.
Cr Woods: What did I say! What did I say! Nothing!!! The forest has grown and isn’t it magnificent.
Linda: oooo its splendid, I am sure.
Cr Woods: There is a stirring in my loins!!
Linda: oh Councillor! A stirring?
Cr Woods: Yes my sweetness I fear I have become aroused. Would you care to administer a blowjob upon me should I ask Tommy to avert his eyes?
Linda: Oh councillor, a blowjob, I would be delighted. Point me in the direction of your pants.
(Tommy turns and faces North West as the two wander east and take refuge behind a giant oak tree to begin their shenanigans – Suddenly from the darkness of the canopy Tommy catches sight of a young puppy running towards him – it appears to be a German Shepherd)
puppy: woof woof woof
Tommy: Ah hello young pup, are you looking for a bone?
Tommy: you are? I don’t have a bone, but I do have a tin of Mr.Dog on my possession, would you like some?
Tommy: a ha no dog can resist Mr.Dog and I must admit Im slightly partial to the product myself – Oh you have brought some friends I see!
(from the distance a pack of dogs appear to be approaching Tommy. At a rough estimate there are 36)
Tommy: Oh I’ve only a small amount of Mr Dog!!! I can’t possibly feed all your friends! Are they hungry?
Puppy: woof VERY HUNGRY!!!!!!
(at that the puppy bared its jaws to display tremendous fangs and with a leap grabbed hold of Tommy’s scrawny neck. Ripping the flesh from the bones, Tommy’s head became detached from the body and a small dribble of egg yoke from his breakfast seeps from the torso’s newest cavity. The sight of the egg is enough to send the pack into overdrive – within 10 seconds the body is completely devoured. Bones and all!!!! When they have finished eating the dogs appear to vaporise and disappear almost as quickly as they appeared)
Scene: Still in the forest, the councillor is relieved and heads back towards the spot where they left Tommy. Of course he is nowhere to be seen.
Cr Woods: I wonder where dear old Tommy has gone. Can you see him Miss Door?
Linda: Of course not Councillor, I am blind as a bat!!!
Cr Woods: Blind as a Dodo!!! How could I forget! Oh Miss Door, let us take advantage of Tommy’s non presence by embarking upon a dance. Pray, shall we make for the mulberry bush?
Linda: Oh the mulberry bush!
(Cr Woods takes Linda by the hand and leads her to the mulberry bush. As they begin to embark on their dance a puff of cloud appears from the centre of the bush and the vision of Tommy is before them)
Cr Woods: Tommy!!!! You have been in the mulberry bush all along! But wait….you are……..see through?
Tommy: I am a ghost now councillor, I am afraid when yourself and Miss Door were off ahem, romping, I was in fact savaged by a pack of hungry hounds.
Linda: Oh I’ve never seen a ghost, what does he look like Councillor?
Cr Woods: Oh the same as ever Linda but slightly see through. But Tommy wait…..there are no dogs! We closed the factory, it could not have been dogs as none have been produced for two days!!
Tommy: It was definitely dogs Councillor, ghost dogs!! Hungry ghost dogs out to avenge the closing of their factory by munching on the very humans who destroyed them. LOOK OUT, THEY ARE BEHIND YOU!!!
(The councillor turns and sees the ghost dogs appear, Linda also turns but doesn’t see them)
Cr Woods: Dogs!! Oh dear me Linda it looks as though we are about to be eaten alive! Savaged by a pack of raging brutes, oh the tragedy! The romance!
Cr Woods: There is nothing more romantic than being torn hideously limb from limb by blood thirsty hounds Miss Door, blood thirsty hounds.
Linda: I hear footsteps!! Who comes to the forest Councillor?
Cr Woods: Oh My, It is the Russians!!!!!! Hundreds of Russians!!!!! Save us comrades!! save our skins!!
(Just at that the dogs turn and see the busloads of Russians approach, with fangs dripping with saliva they rush the group and begin ruthlessly savaging. Russians fall by the score. Out of every 3 dead, 3 were Russian – As the feeding frenzy ups pace, blasts of light can be seen from the centre of the group, it seems a stranger of western complexion stands tall and appears to be destroying the dogs with some kind of ray gun. 45 minutes later the dogs have been destroyed and the stranger approaches the duo)
Cr Woods: Oh Stranger who are you?
Stranger: It is I, Ray Parker Jnr, I have destroyed all the ghost dogs for you councillor, I arrived with the Russians to see the lovely forest and am glad I brought the gun.
Cr Woods: but why did you kill them all, you could have saved one if merely for the romance of having a blood thirsty hound in our forest?
Ray Parker Jnr: Bustin makes me feel good. Your forest is better off without the dogs, wouldn’t you agree?
Cr Woods: Oh yes, it is really a magnificent forest is it not Linda?
Linda: Oh no Councillor, I’m afraid to say it is a very frightful forest.