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The Olympic Horror #2
I’d like to see Prince Philip at the women’s beach volleyball. Screaming ‘tits, arse and fanny’ like he’s a character from Father Ted. The expectant media holds it’s breath as the Prince shakes the Brazilian’s hand, thanks her for a wonderful match then casually announces that today was the first time he’s come since they sank the Belgrano.
A plan for soldiers wearing tracksuits was rejected. It wasn’t just inappropriate, but impractical. Apparently Tacchini only make enough of their Kevlar-weave range to supply Manchester. I think most visitors to the Olympic venues wouldn’t want their pockets rummaged through by a guy in a tracksuit, especially as that would spoil the surprise of it happening again that evening as they head through East London on foot.
Imagine coming back from Helmand and having to go straight to the games. If I were in the Afghan shooting team, I’d be shitting myself. I don’t think we should look at terrorists as if they’re ruining these Olympics so much as improving the Paralympics.
A word of advice to the tourists in London: If you are feeling overwhelmed by the crowds and the traffic and need to be alone, find some breathing space and chill out in a quiet area. You could do worse than getting a ticket for the women’s football. The North Korean team walked off at their Olympic match in Glasgow after their images were shown beside a South Korean flag. Lucky the team walked off the pitch before the national anthem as Glasgow had cued up the music from the Bodyform advert.
If you want viewers for the woman’s football, I have a plan for the BBC: a commentary booth with one mic, a bottle of red wine, half a dozen Viagra and Andy Gray. His commentary would be the stuff of legend - ‘These birds have got to be disappointed having turned up to this big event all wearing the same outfit.’ Can you imagine as the camera moves along the line as they sing the national anthem, all we hear from the commentary booth is Andy Gray saying ‘6, 4, 9, 3, 5 potential 7 if I had a drink in me.’
Sad David Beckham wasn’t picked – though it must be some consolation that the Haitian team have asked Victoria if she’ll stand by the stadium entrance to ward off evil spirits.
Two million people attended events during the first 3 days of the Olympics, firmly establishing it as Britain’s second most popular attraction after the dole queue. I still can’t get used to being in a British pub that’s showing archery and kayaking on the big screens. It’s like the middle ages had HD TVs.
There were moments in the Opening Ceremony when I didn’t know what was going on, but for people watching in other countries it must have looked like Britain was having an all-singing breakdown. Prince Phillip had to sit through a 3 hour multicultural spectacular - just perfect for a 90-year-old racist with a dodgy bladder. Everyone got excited when they saw what looked like the Queen jump out of a plane. Particularly Prince Charles. My favourite part was during the parade of countries when an athlete said he wanted Rwanda to be known for its cycling team. Well good luck with that. It might take a while.
We were all warned how busy it was going to be once the Olympics started and they were right - Center Parcs is packed. 60,000 seats are left empty every day as VIP guests don’t turn up. I’d like to know what better things they’ve got to do than go and watch Tunisia play Serbia at volleyball.
Seb Coe’s insisted we’ll see an end to empty seats at venues. Apparently he reckons half of them can be ripped out by Monday. If only there was some way round this. Maybe seeing how many seats were empty just before the start and letting in that many people queuing outside. Oh, perhaps I’m being simplistic. Under attendance is probably just a clever way to disorientate Al Qaeda. They’ll hardly be the toast of the Madrassas for just leaving venues littered with broken bits of blue plastic chairs like the aftermath of a wedding reception in Dundee.
The organisers’ solution was to get the army in to watch the gymnastics. Which wasn’t great as when they see that many people flying through the air at once they start to get flashbacks.
That Gymnastics vaulting horse brought back painful memories of school. Though in the end I abandoned the tunnel and escaped using a glider fashioned from rulers and toilet paper.
Tom Daley and partner were both absolutely gutted at losing the synchronised diving. Although to be fair Daley was gutted about a quarter of a second behind the other guy.. Tom disappointed a lot of people watching the high diving event. Mainly paedophiles who were hoping his trunks would get pulled off. A 17-year-old boy was arrested for abusing Tom Daley on the internet. They say he’s ‘helping the police with enquiries’ – well, unless they’re enquiring into ‘who here is a bit of a c***’, I can’t see what help he’ll be. I thought if anyone was going to abuse Tom Daley it would have been a man in his 50s. I’m not one for abusive tweets. The closest I got was training my nan’s parrot to call the local priest an arsehole.
Cheryl Cole has asked Tom Daley to teach her how to dive. Never mind that - she should have asked him to teach her how to sing.
In the diving instead of increasing the difficulty by raising the boards I think they should just make the pool gradually shallower. And they should do away with the bronze medal and simply offer a wildcard entry into the Paralympic team.
Swimmer Michael Phelps became the most decorated Olympian ever this week – and with the amount of time he’s spent being damp it’s hard to believe he won’t retire with a covering of moss and some structural damage. The most decorated Olympian. In my house that honour goes to the Victoria Pendleton screensaver on my laptop. I read an interview with Pendleton where she said she can lift twice her own bodyweight. Sexy, as it means she still wouldn’t be able to throw me off.
A Chinese girl of 16 has been accused of taking steroids after she swam faster than the male champion. Of course there could be a perfectly reasonable innocent explanation for this – for instance, she could be a mermaid. Commentators say it’s impossible to knock five seconds off your personal best. Not true, I managed it yesterday when I was watching the beach volleyball and heard my wife’s car pull into the driveway. Chinese girls start swimming as soon as they are born, well they do if they want to get out of the lake.
There needs to be a handicap system to stop the same teams always topping the tables. I’d suggest competitors have to do events wearing their country’s previous Olympics medal haul. Then Team GB could be spurred across the line by what look like half a dozen glistening golden armadillos…or depending on the event, shimmering dead swimmers.
Bradley Wiggins won our second gold in the cycling time trial and there are calls for him to be given a knighthood. I say give him a job as a postman. The cycling successes are an inspiration to our young. Handy, as in 20 years time cycling skills will be at a premium, as selling the necessary kilowatts to China will be the only way we’ll be able to buy our tallow candles.
A Swiss footballer was expelled for racism – he was whisked off to the airport with barely enough time to sign a 3 year contract for Liverpool. And sadly Paula Radcliffe was forced to pull out of the marathon with a foot problem. She couldn’t run more than a foot without needing a shit.
Eight Olympic badminton players were disqualified for trying to throw the match. Their game was described as farcical. Long before this scandal came to light. It was obvious they weren’t going to try their hardest, one team came on to the court with table tennis bats and their opponents came out wearing blindfolds and carrying snooker queues. If I was watching I’d have booed them too, because I hate badminton.
If someone invented badminton today the most interest they’d get is from Theo Paphitis who’d agree to invest 5 grand on condition that the stupid feather cup is replaced by a ball.
The giant McDonalds has become a refuge from the rain. A promotion from their usual role as a refuge from increasing public toilet prices. It really is the people’s games. It’s just a shame that the people whose games it is are all sitting in their boardrooms working on plans to make fast food from human bones and extract oil from broken dreams.