Karin Mackaliunas, 27, of Scranton, Pennsylvania, crashed her car on Sunday evening. Just as she was ready to leave the scene of the accident, Dunmore police Officer Anthony Cali asked Scranton police Officer Nancy Baumann to detain Mackaliunas, according to the Scranton Times-Tribune. Officer Cali suspected Mackaliunas of burglarizing the Dunmore Inn. Officer Baumann then searched the suspect for weapons, which in turn yielded three bags of heroin from Mackaliunas’ jacket.
But Mackaliunas’ night was just getting started. As she was being driven to the police station for a drug possession charge, Officer Baumann noticed Mackaliunas “fidgeting” in the back seat of the police car. After the suspect struggled with the officer during a more thorough exam, Mackaliunas “asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina,” the report says.
That’s when things got very interesting:
A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.
Look at that list again. That’s 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22. Found. Not hidden on her person. Hidden inside her vagina.
We have many questions. Chief among them: If she had enough pocket space to carry three bags of heroin inside her jacket, could she not have kept the 22 cents worth of loose change there? She had to jam that up into her quite literal coin slot, too? And why were those three bags not with the others? Is that some sort of heroin-like defrosting process after they’ve been in the anti-freezer?
And what has she been doing in private that would allow her to possess such a Curb-esque “gigantic vagina?” Instead of a DP, she might be able to pull off a QP.
After an embarrassing evening at police headquarters and the Community Medical Center, “Mackaliunas was charged with possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance,” according to the Times-Tribune.