I went to my psych on wednedsday.He asked me if I had been to the shelter to volunteer yet.I told him I was planning to but had not been there yet.I was really physically ill for two weeks and couldn`t go.We had a really good talk and get this he said I sounded better.That was really good news for me.I came out of there feeling good.It really made me feel sort of happy that he said that to me.

I was really ,really sick for about two weeks.I was so sick that my mom wanted to take me to the hospital.Of course I didn`t go.I got better on my own.

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  I`m on warm milk and laxatives cherry flavored antacids
                                      ~Nirvana~

Last week was a very shaky one.We lived through a 7.2 earthquake.We were at he little sister`s house for Easter lunch when it happened.When we got home there was broken glass all over the place.We were just glad our dogs and cat were okay.The house was a total mess though.It was all very,very scary.We are still feeling aftershocks from time to time.It really keeps you on the edge.

I saw my psych last Wednedsay.It was the same old,same old.That`s mostly my fault though.I should really follow through with his suggestions.But sometimes it`s hard when you don`t feel like getting out of bed.He wants me to help out at the humane society.He thought it would be good for me since I love animals and would keep me busy at the same time.He asked me what happens before I hurt myself.I told him I just get upset or frustrated before I do it.He thinks by keeping myself busy I would hurt myself less.We shall see.

Tibbs

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That`s Great It Starts With An Earthquake
                              ~REM~

I burned myself four times with my lighter.I did my best to hide them from my Mother because she has plenty to worry about with my sister`s situation.I forgot about them and she saw them.Of course she got upset at me as she always does when I self injure.She told me it was a sin because the body is our temple.She also said they would send me to the mental hospital if she reported me.I did know that but it doesn`t stop me.I need it too much it helps too much.I can`t stop.
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    Does The Body Rule The Mind Or Does The Mind
    Rule The Body
                                  ~Morrissey~

I`ve just been feeling so awful lately.Yesterday was just so bad.I felt like I just wanted it all to stop.I feel like I just can`t take it anymore.These feelings of depression just bring me down so much I feel lke I just want to die so they will stop.It just hurts so much.I don`t know what to do anymore.I don`t want to live like this any longer.Me and my mom were talking about that actor that just killed himself and she said please don`t ever do that.
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How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here
              ~ Morrissey~

So I went to see my psych last tuesday.I feel like it`s the same old same old.He still wants me to try to drive.Lately I just filled with anxiety.I feel like I can`t breathe.The only thing that helps is hurting myself in some way.I either cut myself with razor blades or burn myself with cigarette lighters or hit myself as hard as I can.It lets out my frustration.My mom talked to me about that the other day.She told me you do it because it makes you feel better don`t you?I said yes I guess I do.Ididn`t want to talk about it anymore though.I`m not much of a talker .It`s easier for me to write about.For the last fews days I feel like I`ve been slipping.I just don`t want to get out of bed or go anywhere.I just feel so tired and blue.

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      I don`t want to hurt there`s so much in this
      world to make me bleed
                                ~Eddie Vedder~

Lots of sad things going on.Those poor people in Haiti.My life kind of sucks right now but what`s happening to those poor people really makes you grateful for the things you have just the really simple things you take for granted like hot showers and food on the table.

Like I said lots of sad things going on my uncle lost his job just before Christmas.My brother in law is losing his job at the end of the month.

I cut myself the other day and I just let out a sigh of relief.I felt like I could breathe again.Honestly it was just a big relief.But of course it only lasts for a little while then you have to do it again.My mom saw the bandages on my arm and told me if you don`t stop doing that your going to end up in an institution.I don`t know how she puts up with me.She puts up with alot of my crap.She`s the person whom I`m closest to.I don`t know what I`d do without her.But like everything I just can`t talk to anyone about how I really feel inside.I keep everything inside.I guess I don`t know how to really deal with things.My sister told me I live in my own little fantasy world.
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        Reality Is Not Real To Me
                    ~Morrissey~

My birthday went well.It was a very nice time.New years eve the family went to my grandparent`s for dinner.

I`ve just been feeling so sad.I`ve wanted to cut all week.Tonight or should I say this morning I let it all go.I cut myself four times.It`s weird but I always have to do it fours.Anyway when I did it tonight I just felt this tremendous relief.I know it`s unhealthy but I thought if you had done this days ago you would have felt so much better.

Last year pretty much sucked.First of all my dog Minnie died.My uncle died of cancer and my cousin also died.I`ve just been so unhappy and nothing seems to help.

There was some good things that happened.I got to see Morrissey at the Coachella festival.And hey I even got to see a Beatle.If It wasn`t for my little sis I wouldn`t have got to go.Me my little sis and baby nephew and my niece went.We had fun .So I am grateful for that.That was a highlight of this mostly crappy year.Maybe this year will be better.It`s like Morrissey sings"My only mistake is I`m hoping".

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  I`m not like them
  But I can pretend
  The sun is gone
  But I have a light
  The day is done
  But I`m having fun

  I think I`m dumb

      ~Nirvana~

My Christmas went okay.It was pretty nice.I got a camera and an ipod speaker system from mom and dad.My big sister gave the New Moon soundtrack which I am listening to right now.My big sister gave me a zhu zhu pet and a Stitch dressed as Elvis and also a build a bear Elvis outfit for a teddy bear she knows what a dork I am.My cousin gave me some candy and my grandparents gave me a gift card.My birthday is in a few days.We`ll see how that goes.

I really did it this time.I burned myself with a cigarrette lighter.My mom saw them and said do you want me to hide your lighter again?If she did I `d just buy a new one.My little sister says "I`ve heard you`ve been burning yourself too"?She says "Why are you doing that?"I said because I`m messed up.That`s all I could say.In fact there are several reasons why I do it.I do it because I need to feel something.Sometimes I feel dead or empty inside.So I do it to feel something.Sometimes I do it because I need to punish myself for being nothing.I do it because I need to take out my anger on myself.Like I said before I`m just messed up.

When my mom saw my burns she said I`m here I`m here if you want attention.I said I don`t do it for attention.I try to hide my wounds most of time because I don`t want to be threatened with the nut house again.I asked around and I found out you can be put there for being a self injurer.That`s were I`ll end up they keep telling me If I don`t stop hurting myself.I am not good at expressing my feelings to anyone out loud.I can write about them here but I can`t say it out loud.I keep everything inside.That`s another thing hurting myself does for me it lets it all out and I feel better at least for a little while.That`s why my arm and leg are full of scars and they are there forever.And they are so ugly.My mom says it hurts me when you do that.

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      I Will Let You Down I Will Make You Hurt
                  ~ Johnny Cash Version~

I really haven`t been feeling well.I feel like things are really going downhill.Thanksgiving really wasn`t that great for me.I was surrounded by family but couldn`t help feeling lonely.I just had a feeling that I don`t belong.Mostly everyone is married and has kids.The only thing that was keeping me going was going to see Morrissey in Indio.But then that got cancelled.I was just so brokenhearted about that.Well at least I did get to see him at the Coachella festival.

I went to see my psych today.I didn`t come out feeling great.I just feel so sad all the time.He asked me if I was still cutting.Of course I said yes.I`ve also been burning and hitting myself.He wants me to start driving something I am very fearful of.I wish I wasn`t so scared of that I would have driven myself to LA to see Morrissey.I feel like such a failure I can`t even do that.I feel like such a worthless piece of shit.I can`t do anything.I just wish I could sleep all the time so I wouldn`t have to feel anything.Anyway this was a pretty crappy day.Seeing Morrissey on tv tonight did bring a bit of happiness to my day.He looked so handsome.

I don`t know what to do to change my situation.Nothing seems to be getting better.

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  My Heart Is Broke But I Have Some Glue Help Me Inhale And Mend It With You
                          ~Nirvana~