Oh, i'm so angsty lately!! I spent this weekend with my mom in Cape Cod. It was fabulous, my dad was away for the weekend so it was just me and her. we ate and shopped nonstop, and talked... and the talking made me sad because she is such an amazing person and she is so being dragged down by my dad and i want to help her but there is nothing i can do. I felt closer to her this weekend than i have felt to anyone in a while. i just feel disconnected, floaty. i feel so under pressure that i don't feel much at all. i have to have the house packed up and ready to be moved in by the time i leave for london (less than a month away-AHHH) and try to work out who is moving out while i'm gone and be sure that the rent gets paid and pay all the bills i'm late on and clean up this place, which no one seems to care about but me. after working a 13 hour day yesterday (no joke) i came home to my friends all laughing and drinking and having a good time, which is what i know i should be doing with my young and energetic (!) years but i was so angry at them for their joy- jealous yes, but also annoyed that even after they see me come home and fall into bed, they don't hesitate to scream and yell outside my bedroom door and throw things and break the broom (Why should anyone else care, no one sweeps but me and karen when she's not disappeared) so now the kitchen is full of mung and on any other day i would probably not be all that upset over it- annoyed yes but i am still seething, much as i try not to- but today i have to make millions of copies of scripts for 8 year olds to perform in about 2 hours and mow the lawn and Mike keeps saying we have to go to the hospital for his hernia but he refuses to finish the medicaid application and then acts like I'm not doing my job by taking him to the doctor. and then i have to clean the rest of the fucking house and write a lesson plan for tomorrow and i am being bitchy and i know it but i am sick of having responsibility, too much i feel, at work and at home simply because i am the only one who accepts it. i am constantly in this position and always have been. i have always been emotionally responsible for my family and friends, always financially responsible for myself- and now i am for a whole household, and a house, which is way too much of a job for me right now-always wayyy too responsible at work, which means i always get more and more responsibilities because my bosses always see that i can handle it, they don't see me snapping at my friends and family, who irritate me not because they are irritating but because i am cranky, they don't see me eating six slices of pizza without realizing it because i have numbed myself out of necessity, they don't see me needing to "babble" on in my online journal at ass-thirty in the morning because if i said this out loud i would be even more pathetic and also would never expect anyone to want to listen to this ridiculous, selfish, self-obsessed drivel. If i read this on someone else's journal i would probably say, get over it, your life is not so bad. so to myself i say, get over it, i must needs take a shower and begin my (hopefully shorter!) day.