Lately I've felt very overwhelmed, emotionally. Work is crazy, but I can deal with that stuff because it feels very distant. The part of work that affects me is the teaching, but thats ok too because it is almost over and it's also not all that close- its still work. but things with my parents are starting to affect me. my mom says my dad has been worse than ever now that they're in cape cod and have their new apartment, apparently he just sits on the couch and stares, he doesn't eat or shower, and he drinks 8 dollar bottles of vodka all day. he's been getting mean and bitter. Its definitely because he's not worlking full time and just sits around and drinks which makes him more miserable so he drinks more, and my poor mom has to come home after working all day to his nastiness and grossness and complaining about his life. my mother, meanwhile, is just so proud of herself for getting up there and making a place for herself, she is so content with herself and could be so happy if only he wasn't such a fuckup. he is a miserable, pathetic person and wouldn't be happy no matter where he was or what he was doing. he is going to die soon, one way or another. he drives drunk and wants to die and it's bound to happen eventually. he is lucky to be alive now, considering everything! When mom came down last weekend i felt so peaceful and protected, she makes me beleive that everything will really be ok, that we will find a way to make everything work, and its just so nice to be so loved and appreciated in such a pure wonderful way, that comforting, warm feeling that only sincerity and love from a mother can give. I don't trust anyone right now, i feel very on edge between work and life and "friends" and my mom is just like the anti-edge. but at the same time i get a little depressed when i'm with her, both because she lives so far away and because i know a huge part of her is miserable because of my father, who is and has always been too wrapped up in his own selfishness to give a fuck about helping himself or making their life better. and that makes me want to hit him. and then we're getting closer to selling the house, and the timing is so messed up, i basically will not be here when we are supposed to move out so i have to figure something out with that. and Karen is moving out right when the contract ends, which is June 9th and for me that can't come fast enough. i just want her out of my life. she is nothing but negative energy. the other night she came with josh and i on our way to nyc. she explained that her good friend was pregnant and was going to get an abortion. (this was, of course, done in a ridiculous and false story-telling fashion and took a long time) karen is the only person who knows besides the friend's sister. the sister was unable to go with the friend to the appointment, so she asked karen to go with her. karen told us that she didn't want to go because she always gets depressed this time of year due to the fact that her own baby (she had the same situation when she was 17 and made the same decision) would have been born around now, and she was a little mad at her friend for her inconsiderate choice of time to abort her baby. sahe asked if it would be mean to tell her friend that she wouldn't be able to go with her because she is too upset about her own unborn baby. what an asshole! Listen, bitch, you're one of two people who know about this girl's baby, you're supposed to be really good friends, she needs you desperately right now and all you can think about, EVER, is yourself!! what the fuck is wrong with you?? Can you ever put yourself aside for one goddamn minute?? And the other day she sat down with Mike (who she never speaks to ) and said she needed some advice and asked him what she should do if, for instance, her parents were really prejudiced and she brought home a black boyfriend, to help them get over their prejudice. Mike, who has no patience for games, replied that if he were her he would blast "Jungle Fever" really loud all the time, and Karen explained that she didn't really have a black boyfriend but it was just an example. Hmmm, wait a minute- what if you had a girlfriend, karen, would you bring her home to your homophobic parents?? a girlfriend like Lisa, oh wait a minute, isn't she your roommate and supposedly good friend's exgirlfriend??? Other little things have been coming up recently too about Boston and Lisa and I am so nauseous and repulsed by the whole thing, the betrayal is so thick i can feel it hit my stomach every time the subject comes up. Not that Karen and I ever talk about it, of course. we don't talk about anything. i never see her and when i do we talk about things like ice cream and abortions, never about anything like our failed and smoking friendship.But Josh and I talk about it. Tonight Josh gave me a little more insight into Karen, he thinks that she is jealous of the things I've done, she always says things about wishing she'd gone away to college, wishing she'd lived on her own, etc, and she always tells me how lucky I am to have done those things (It wasn't luck, girl, it took WORK) and she is jealous of what i had with Lisa and saw this whole situation as a weird kind of revenge, but in her head it is justified because her head is one messed up place. today i was talking to my mother and she was saying how she doesn't mind not having any friends because she's happier on her own, and that way she won't get hurt. Karen has fucked over every single friend she has ever had and I don't know why i thought i'd be any different- to her i am just another brick on the wall (or whatever). But friendship is different to me- i don't waste my time with idiots. I choose friends carefully, if they're good i hold onto them for dear life and if they fuck me over, goodbye and good riddance. i had a friend in high school who dated a girl I liked so much. she just, one day and out of nowhere, after hearing me talk about her often, started dating her. She was flabbergasted when I said, "you knew i liked her, thats fucked up" and just stopped talking to her. there was no need for further dicussion. Its fine if she wants to be an asshole, but i don't want her as my friend. just poof, disappear and we'll all be happy. If you can't give me your all, just go away. I give people that matter everything I have and I did the same with her and I am so hurt and annoyed with myself at the same time! I Know eventually I'll get over this situation, but I need to get away from her. she has been gone since tuesday, she said the appointment (the friends, which yes she did go to, after I said "its pretty fucked up if you don't go- with friends you have to weigh your priorities" A-HEM) was on Friday, she didn't come home last night and she got home tonight at 2am and was really quiet and not in her work uniform. i asked her if she had to work and she said "i never got there" I asked where she was and she paused and said "not at work". then she went into her room and closed the door. where have you been, ehh? Fucking my exgirlfriend maybe, or pretending to care about your recently aborted friend all the while hating her in your head for making you go through this? She really needs some help, she has some serious issues and I can't even begin to describe the million other things right now.
Going to England is the one thing I think about right now to keep me sane. I can't really focus on it completely right now because my mind is so cloudy, but it is like a light at the end of this tunnel, this freedom i need really desperately to experience again. no work, no stress, just adventure and beauty and fun and Louise.

I know i shouldn't waste time or energy thinking about Karen, but sometimes i get really overwhelmed and upset about the situation. It really hurts me to lose the friendship we had and I feel manipulated and angry. I don't think i ever totally trusted her but i never thought she'd do anything liek this. guess its better i see it now than years down the road when i did actually trust her. but her friendships don't usually last that long.

Thank god for the good people of the world, and thank god i am lucky enough to have them in my life. good people of the world, i salute you.
in the meantime...its 2:44am and i am too riled up. gnight...