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Saturday April 26, 03
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02:45 PM - Our hearts beat as one
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Our hearts beat... I have my own beat in tune with my life. I didn't realise but for two weeks I've had a little beat in me. That beat belongs to a foetus, now recognisable as a little human being. All its body is formed leaving only the finishing touches to the spleen and bladder.
This little creation has been formed from cells too small for my naked eye to see. Now, only 8 weeks later it is over an inch long. In appears on the scan as a minature baby, curled up for protection, arms entwined in 'our' umbilical cord. My eyes didn't fail me this creature was clingin to its cord for life. Does it know that its daddy wants him tugged from his soft bed and dead in a sealed hospital bag!
As my eyes fixated on this precious gift a tear swelled up in my heart as well as my eyes. How could I destroy the product of such perfect embrace. The carress of chris' lips brushed against my soul. How can he reject what our love has made!
The doctor turned to me with a smile of understanding. However, I could see the seriousness in his eyes. The harsh words he spoke drowned out my every thought of that momemt. It has implanted itself in my memory stronger than my foetus to my placenta.
"Alice, We may have to operate - It's potentially a dangerous situation. Your foetus has implanted itself uncomfortably near to your fallopian tube."
"we may have to operate"
"we may have to operate"
"we may have to operate"
Those words linger on fresh in my mind every moment! I have no body to turn to...
I know this heart breaking news will bring a flow of joy to Chris' soul. He won't have to pressurise me to terminate our child - prevent our child from having the experiences we've had! It won't see sunlight, breathe air, even taste a mothers warm milk...
The reason for those cramps were because of 'him' getting caught in the entryto my fallopian tube. I would put up with that pain, any pain, to give my child a life. I turned to the doctor, who appears like a dogwhose sensed fear.
"I will put up with any amount of pain to give a new life a chance to live" At that moment I realised that I'd give up my life for this tiny beauty to survive. Surely it has a right to life!
I couldn't face the idea of destroying the one thing that would link me and my love forever. My chances of Chris loving me for eternity are weak, however with this child ouur genes would be working united creating a person... A person that shares the existing link of Chris and I!
I had it all worked out...I would cope with the discomfort -I wouldn't be selfish.
I stared straight in to the doctors comforting eyes. However, they didn't bring me comfort. He appweared to be trying to work out how to tell me something. I could tell it would be painful... The caution in his posture came across assure as me being pregnant...
"I'm sorry to have to explain this. I assumed from our talk earlier you weren't going to keep it... It's more difficult for you this way. If you carried on with the pregnancy it is highly probable that it will be fatal either you or the baby, possibly both."
I was wishing for a miracle to happen... I cxouldn't speak. I stopped breathing. My body lurched as I jerked to breathe again...
I sat alone on a busy unit... Although I can remember being surrounded by people. I can't focus on any moment, any face or any sound. I was fixated inmy thoughts.
A nurse sat with me and offered me comfort... I turned it away.
As I left the unit I was filled with confusion. I was booked to have counselling - they asked if Chris would like to go and join me for support. I just shrugged. Why would Chris want to be there? It would make it easier for me but it would mean he would have to accept what was happening... I don't want it to affect him!
I know I will neded a friendly hand to comfort mine before they operate... I hoped it would be Chris. I have lttle chance of that!
In just 19 days I will be parted from my creation forever! leaving me lonely... Chris will be hundreds of miles away, enjoying himself whilst I sit confused and upset waiting for the end. Hoping it was just a nightmare - when will I wake up???
February 03
5 days before the operation I miscarried. RIP my child. Mummy will remeber you!
(I would just like all the readers of my journal to know that last nights was from july 02. Each of my journal entries to begin are from my past to build up a background of my life. They're in an utterly random order tho!)
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everyone, welcome Alice, my very best friend in the world, and even though she's never ever heard Morrissey, that will all change soon.. xx
I love this gal, she's been there for me just soo much, and i've wrote about her in my journal, too xxx
love ya baby x