This trial only makes Micheal J seem more interesting and attractive. I like the way he wears his hair.

I'm so lucky, to have been getting so much affection, and beauty, and indulgence, and sex the way I like it. To be a queen and to be able to demand the exact specifications I want sexually, hmm, is a dream I'd like to think about more. Queen for a day, a week, a month. A timeless dream. I guess I'm reacting to the frustration I've had, from a life of trying to feel like I'm getting treated fairly. The things I'd have him do.

He has been very generous with me though, truth be told, sexually. That's what's fueling this renewed hope of getting all I want in that department. He's so positive, and it's catchy. I have seen him be very negative, but lately I've been finding how to tap into his positivity, to stimulate that potential in him, leaving the other, negative potential on the shelf to gather dust, or, at least to stop hogging too much energy. He's lectured (and nagged) me about approaching him in a postitive manner, and I was very resistant to the idea that an optimistic come-on is more likely to get the results I want than a tantrum. So, hmm! I like being taught to be better able to bring to fruition what I want to bear fruit! Better late than never. Gee I'm so in love. How happy I feel with him often lately, both of us laughing, calm, and in love, aren't we, both of us? Well I love him, anyway, and he loves me too, maybe not as much, or, in the same way exactly, but it is love.

With the world being in such jeapardy, though, I wonder, what I am to do with the urge he stimulates in me to want to (ahhhhhhh!) procreate, to renew his life, to carry him on. It feels like a quest, we both have (and maybe it's all a delusion on my part but I feel it), and to procreate would be integral and essential to being this way. Maybe the desire can be trancended into something kinder than bringing children into this crumbling ecosystem. Yeah, that's it, a trancendence, that's the ticket.

Maybe he'll want to have children with me though. I don't think I'd refuse him. If I did find that I was pregnant, I wouldn't abort. I couldn't think of doing that, unless he wanted that. He better quit smoking, if he would become a father of an infant.

Ohhhhhhhh! If only things really WERE as clean and simple as the fuckin' fairy tale books depicted when I was so very impressionable! Eugh! The irony!