"Whale Cock welcomes its new am, Morrissey" (Big Brother Magazine #74, Jun '01)
posted by davidt on Friday June 01 2001, @08:15AM

sleeper writes:

This appeared as a full page in BIG BROTHER MAGAZINE #74 (Jun 01). 'am' is short for amateur skateboarder. The differences between professional skateboards (like Tony Hawke) is they get paid money for skateboarding in tournaments, while amateur boarders get promotional skateboards, clothes, etc, but basically do not get paid money skating. The writer of the article, I think his name is Dave Carnie, one of the editors of Big Brother Magazine, and apparently the owner (?) of Whale Cock skateboarding.
The Skateboard Is Dead

Welcomes Its New Am Morrissey

It was upon leaving The Cat and the Fiddle, a Hollywood English-style pub, with two friends, Aaron and Allan, that I made eye contact with the shy Manchester poet sitting quietly in the dark corner of the beer garden with two companions. "Holy shit!" I said once we were on the curb, "That was Morrissey!" In utter disbelief, Aaron returned to the beer garden and nearly walked right up to Morrissey before returning and saying, "You're right. Nice call."


I went and got my camera and asked Aaron to take a picture of me with my idol. Allan said, "you should pull your dick out for the photo." I heartily agreed, but as I approached Morrissey's table, all feelings of adversity left me, and I felt as if I were a little girl. Without saying his name, I extended my hand and squeaked, "I'm a big fan of yours." I noticed that one of his companions was a young Asian girl, his other guest I'm at a complete loss to which sex it belonged. He took my hand and shook it limply. His hands were soft. "Would you mind if I took a picture with you?" I asked, but before I had even finished the question, he was already rising. There was a weariness in his eyes and movements, like he had answered this request a million times before. Later, Allan would say, I used to think Morrissey was a prick, but that changed my opinion of him. He stood up to have his picture taken with you. That was really cool."

Aside from the ravages of time, of which I thought this gentle man would forever remain immune, and the gray in his hair and sideburns, he looked exactly how he was in the countless pictures I've seen of him. He was smartly dressed in a pair of jeans, with a green wool sweater pulled over a white collar shirt.

As I put my arm around him and drew him to me, I asked, "So, what are you doing in L.A.?" What else could I say? "Just having a drink." He said in his cute little Manchester accent.

After the picture was taken, I thanked him and despite my yearning to sing Smiths' lyrics to prove I was indeed a fan, I waved goodbye. But before I left, a peculiar thing happened. I turned and said, "I love you." I love you? What the fuck? I never say shit like that. True, I do love Morrissey, but you don't say that to someone. I mean dudes don't say that to dudes.

I've thought deeply on the incident, and I've decided that Morrissey has magic powers over men. He can make men fall in love with him. I know it sounds strange, but how else could you explain the countless number of men who have rushed the stages of his shows and kissed the little man, given him flowers and no doubt professed their love to him? I've decided this is not a bad thing, and I have given myself over to my love of Morrissey and his magic powers; in so doing, I have made him the first am on the Whale Cock team. You will be mesmerized by his magic powers and fall in love with Whale Cock skateboards.

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Article and scan from Sleeper, originally posted at his site, Recycled Papers.

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    "Whale Cock welcomes its new am, Morrissey" (Big Brother Magazine #74, Jun '01) | Log in/Create an Account | Top | 61 comments | Search Discussion
    The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
    He knows I'd love to see him... (Score:1)
    special powers over men, yes indeed.
    However, I don't really let that cat out of the bag very often.
    haze <gallondrunk@hotmail.com> -- Friday June 01 2001, @08:26AM (#12241)
    (User #1115 Info)
    I don't want to die before I learn how to live...
    What an Adorable Lil' Story (Score:1)
    What makes it even cuter is when you finally see a picture of this guy, who turns out to be a burly, hair-faced "man" - and recall the fact that he uttered (much to his surprise) "i love you" to Morrissey.

    Quite endearing, yes.
    Lifeguard Sleeping -- Friday June 01 2001, @08:48AM (#12246)
    (User #58 Info)
      i told ya! (Score:0)
      he is always at the darn cat and fiddle

      Anonymous -- Friday June 01 2001, @08:49AM (#12247)
      • Re:i told ya! by MozGirl18 (Score:1) Sunday June 03 2001, @05:46PM
        hehe (Score:1)
        How cute.. I wonder where i could get a copy of this magazine..
        Unruly Girl -- Friday June 01 2001, @09:41AM (#12249)
        (User #249 Info)
          goin to Cat'n Fiddle... to raise hell!!! (Score:0)
          I'm goin' to Cat'n Fiddle this Friday nite... darn... with my slavish dog-colored gay male friends in tow to spot this rare reclusive rock-n-roll animal..., duh! In case no one is there.. plan B is to get Irish-drunk and start singin'... German drinking songs, till bouncers will bounce us out to have more fun at the Arena or Rage...(My enchanted hubby will baby-sit my little one, as usual heh, heh, am I an evil bitch... Ya bet!!!)

          Hey, just kiddin', celebs have rights to privacy, duh!

          Valley girl, she is a valley girl....

          Ricki Lake
          Anonymous -- Friday June 01 2001, @10:13AM (#12251)
          Whalecock? Some boys are bigger than others... (Score:1)
          Is it a good thing to have one's face under the word "Whalecock"? I mean, that could really go either way... I guess it depends on who's reading it. :)

          In any case, this article made me laugh aloud on a hectic workday. I love that this skater guy is a Smiths fan and I love that he blurted out, "I love you." How can one not smile at that?
          BlueGirl -- Friday June 01 2001, @10:30AM (#12255)
          (User #63 Info | http://www.thebluegirl.com/ )
          "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."- Anais Nin
            very cool (Score:1)
            And wouldn't the magazine cover would make an eye-catching t-shirt...
            delicado -- Friday June 01 2001, @12:14PM (#12261)
            (User #2948 Info | http://www.musicaltaste.com/ )
            ...and when I fell on the floor, I drank more...
              keep it in your pants (Score:1)
              I totally respect the burly skater dude for admitting he loves Morrissey. Given the chance I would most likely tell Morrissey the same thing. But what leaves me confused is why would he have entertained "whipping out his dick for the photo"??

              Did he think that such a little thing makes such a big difference? Most people keep their brains between their legs.
              WhoreInRetirement -- Friday June 01 2001, @01:38PM (#12263)
              (User #2420 Info)
              Telling you all that you never wanted to know...
              Jake got a sex change (Score:1)
              The lovely Asian girl so often seen by Morrissey's side is really Jake, post op. It was done to dispel the ongoing rumours of his homosexuality during the Vauxall years. If you look close she still has fighters fists. Why Asian, you ask? Oh, of course to erase those awful racist insinuations...

              Ps This story made me feel warm and fuzzy
              giant -- Friday June 01 2001, @01:45PM (#12264)
              (User #430 Info)
              I Like You
              morrissey is beautiful (Score:1)
              i cant even express my....love...happiness...complete euphoria. moz is the greatest and the fact that his fans love him so much that even a very manly skater turns to say "i love you", well...thats just absolutely beautiful! =o)

              as always loving morrissey,
              siouxie -- Friday June 01 2001, @01:48PM (#12265)
              (User #2182 Info)
              loving morrissey and all his genius...
              cool! (Score:1)
              guy, your story is so great, and you express yourself so full of genuine feelings! that was really nice, dude! the picture is also great. thanks for sharing with us.
              somnium -- Friday June 01 2001, @02:38PM (#12279)
              (User #1086 Info)
                I Just Want My Chance......... (Score:1)
                God that guy was so incredibly lucky to have met The Mozzer himself.I`m so jealous that`s all.Morrissey looked incredibly beautiful in that picture but he always look beautiful.And it`s wonderful to hear about how kind he is to his fans,which by the way doesn`t surprise me at all,since he knows what it`s like to be a fan.And he knows what incredibly loyal,devoted fans he has.Well maybe one day I`ll get to meet him too.Until then I`ll worship him from afar.Oh well I just want my chance.....
                tibby -- Friday June 01 2001, @02:47PM (#12281)
                (User #2713 Info)
                Pleasure for beautiful bodies,but pain for beautiful souls~Oscar Wilde Sing me to sleep ILOVEMORRISSEY
                Dave Carnie (Score:1, Informative)
                i little info about Big Brother and Dave Carnie...Big Brother magazine was, about three or four years ago the dirtiest skateboard magazine around. It was the one mag that every skater boy would buy to see boobs. Also featured inside were some of the funniest articles you'd ever read, mostly written by Dave Carnie. He wrote articles about how to kill little kids and other "offbeat topics" always following about the same writing style as above. About three or four years ago Big Brother was bought out by Larry Flint and since then all of the nudity has been censored, kinda weird.
                Two years ago i met Dave Carnie because he was at a demo in the shop in my town. I knew the guys who worked at the shop, so the invited me to come down and hang out with the guys. Dave Carnie was hilarious..up until the point that he purposely shit his pants..well i guess it was kinda funny.
                Seeing this i was kinda surprised that he liked Morrissey, but than again alot of skateboarders like Moz and the Smiths. Panic was in Jackass and that's pretty much the same group as the Big Brother guys. The kid Bam who is sometimes on Jackass has been seen wearing gold lame' from time to time too.
                i can tell you that Morrissey has a fair share of support from the skateboarding community. Although i have been called a fag before for having Nowhere Fast and Moz written on my board..heh..
                Anonymous -- Friday June 01 2001, @03:42PM (#12285)
                I Just Want My Chance!(correction) (Score:1)
                My comment above should have read Morrissey looks incredibly beautiful in that picture but he always Looks beautiful.Sorry I just caught that mistake and I did use the preview button.
                tibby -- Friday June 01 2001, @03:53PM (#12288)
                (User #2713 Info)
                Pleasure for beautiful bodies,but pain for beautiful souls~Oscar Wilde Sing me to sleep ILOVEMORRISSEY
                  You lucky bastard! (Score:1)
                  sounds almost too good to be true but indeed a great story i don't exactly understand what moz has in common with the skateboarding industry. that is one great photo i wonder if he goes to the cat and the fiddle often? morrissey is quite the loveable character not that i swing that way .everyone must give themselves up to the legend of morrissey.
                  leedoggpimp <leedoggpimp@hotmail.com> -- Friday June 01 2001, @04:26PM (#12289)
                  (User #2789 Info | http://www.morrisseymusic.com/ )
                  True friends stab you in the front.
                    one question (Score:0)
                    I know this must be a stupid question, but what the f u c k does "Am" mean?
                    Anonymous -- Friday June 01 2001, @08:39PM (#12310)
                    Morrissey and special powers over men... (Score:1)
                    OOOOOOOOOOohhhhhhhhhhhh, MANGO!!!!!!!!

                    It is a great story!!

                    hand in glove -- Friday June 01 2001, @11:11PM (#12319)
                    (User #827 Info)
                    Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. - William Blake
                      Damn (Score:1)
                      I though he was like my age...31...he has aged a bit...but how does he sound?
                      Puck -- Saturday June 02 2001, @02:48AM (#12325)
                      (User #2910 Info | http://rob29.8m.com )
                        Eyes are twitching (Score:1)
                        I think it's wonderful that he got to meet Morrissey, however, I think it is even more
                        wonderful that he realised that it is okay
                        (and more than natural) to feel love for a
                        man. People are so weird about that. Morrissey
                        is the perfect example of universal love.
                        Male or Female don't really matter, and the
                        spiritually advanced know this. Love encompasses
                        both, it is pure energy, and vastly beautiful.
                        Love is not always sexual, so all of you guys
                        out there criticising one another for being a
                        "fag" should grow up a bit and be more open to
                        Violeta -- Saturday June 02 2001, @08:25AM (#12331)
                        (User #1820 Info)
                        swivel and sway
                        whales? (Score:0)
                        what's a whale got to do with skating?
                        Anonymous -- Sunday June 03 2001, @01:04AM (#12352)
                          Congrats! (Score:1)
                          Man, congratulations... You are so lucky. If I found Moz one day I would be really PARALYZED.
                          djpekky -- Sunday June 03 2001, @08:57AM (#12364)
                          (User #1453 Info)
                            always ready with the winning smile (Score:1)
                            looks like Morrissey is going to have to find a quiet corner somewhere else to hang out.
                            suzanne <{suzsch} {at} {sbcglobal.net}> -- Sunday June 03 2001, @10:59AM (#12368)
                            (User #36 Info | http://www.myspace.com/snootywriter )
                            I scare dead people.
                              people say the darnest things!!!!!!! (Score:1)
                              i loved the article. it was weird at the end when you actually get to see the face of the guy and he turns out to be really, um...."manly". hehe. still, it was great to read something worth reading. next stop...the cat and the fiddle!!!!!!!! lol. haaaaaaaaaaa.
                              nyxstar* -- Monday June 04 2001, @09:22AM (#12431)
                              (User #2516 Info)
                              "no great artist ever sees things as they really are. if he did, he would cease to be an artist"--O.W.
                                Jake Walters (Score:0)
                                Who is Jake Walters? And how do you know that is/was his ex? Is he cute?
                                Anonymous -- Thursday June 07 2001, @01:05PM (#12649)

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