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Barking

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Thereís a lot of tension in the air. People are tired, disappointed, hurt, and therefore angry. Tears of frustration are close. To crown it all, the weather is shit. No! Donít say anything. I can feel it. People would rather go bungee-jumping with KY. People would rather learn origami with Jake Walters. Do something sexy instead of reading this. After all thereís a lot of exciting things going on elsewhere. Even as we write this, behind closed Twitter doors, someone is saying something incredibly witty to a fat lady who doesnít even sing! On Facebook, someone reveals news that would blow your mind to smithereens if you had one! Yes! Oh and Italy, in Italy, see, itís probably sunny somewhere and there are nice young men on vespas that could take you places!

I fear people are losing interest. I fear people are resentful.
Therefore I will do something out of character and say something that will help people, because I really really donít want to lose my publicís affection.

Ready?
(clears throat) I think sesame oil is wonderful and it works beautifully with different salad ingredients.

When a man is tired of sesame oil, heís tired of life. Lettuce. Tomatoes. Mozzarella. Mushrooms. Sometimes apart, sometimes together, even. I was bored with salads. Olive oil didnít do anything for me anymore. And then, there it was. Sesame oil. Like, I donít know, an actor from Iran, I suppose. And suddenly the world is a mysterious, sensual, exotic and attractive place again, you know? I feel like fake-tattoing ďSesame me!Ē on my arm in Hebrew and wave to Palestinians on telly, help bring people together, work for peaceÖ

And if you donít like sesame oil as far as Iím concerned you can burn in hell.

Oh btw, the mindblowing newz isnít someone, anyone, big, small, has signed a record contract because thatís about as eventful as Camilla Parker Bowles farting at a derby. Did you really notice it? No.
Whatís truly mindblowing is that ON THE 13th of JUNE I HAD FOUR PIECES OF TOAST WITH PEANUT BUTTER ON THEM AND THAT HAPPENED A FEW TIMES IN JUNE AND NOW THE JAR IS ALMOST EMPTY!!!

Freaky Climate, Food Comfort, Crazy Weather, Peanut Butter: yes Kristeen, these could be really cool Indian names. But theyíre just the four horsemen.

Iím shaking a bottle of sesame oil at them to keep apocalypse at bay
Yes, Iím a sort of Green Lantern. But I ainít gay.

And Iím not just saying that to be incredibly popular again
And hope to avoid snobbish grumpy old menís disdain.

People donít like seeing me on a certain website?
Well they can deep-fry my pooh
and have a bite.

Also, Iím sick of anonymous Morrissey defenders having a troll-go at David.
You should be ashamed of yourself. And you are.

Also also, why is Russell sucking up to Americans? Does he think it will bring Katy back? I doubt the Dalai Lama approves of that strategy.

I'm very disappointed.

Updated June 15, 2012 at 07:06 PM by Barking

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