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So Far From Where I Intended To Go

It`s Safer To Be Inside

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So I went to my psych a week ago.I told him I`ve been up and down.At one moment I can`t stop crying and the next I`m laughing like crazy.I`ve been told that they never know what kind of mood I`m going to wake up in.He put me back on the med that I went off cold turkey.The withdrawal symptoms were hell.I`m glad I`m back on it along with my anti anxiety med and my other crazy med.He also upped one of the doses of meds.He told me it was to prevent me from having a manic episode.That was exactly how he put it.I am getting used to it again.It`s really odd for me to feel sleepy in the middle of the afternoon but there you go.Before I started on this course of treatment I could go for up to two days without sleep.Perhaps that`s an improvement.For someone like me anyway.

Maybe when this all becomes steady I would like to do something good with my life.My psych wants me to see a therapist also but I`m not so sure.I really have a difficult time speaking with people(even on the phone).I always become tongue tied and I can`t think of anything to say.I don`t know why this is so hard for me.It`s much easier for to write things down.It`s really difficult for me to handle my emotions.I bottle up everything inside till I explode.I can`t handle the pain so I end up doing something destructive .That means hurting myself.I hadn`t given in for such a long time.Then I gave in again.I tried so hard.I didn`t want to see the disappointed faces again.I didn`t want all the sharp things and candle lighters to be hidden from me again because they thought I might hurt myself again.I want to better.I want them to trust me again.I don`t want to be considered unreliable.

I`ve been told I am resistant to change and that I do not handle it well.It`s true I do find comfort in familiar things.I really am a creature of habit.I`ve been told I need to leave the house more by pretty much everybody.I guess I like feeling safe in my little corner of the world.

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First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light,

Edna St. Vincent Millay
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  1. 123xyz's Avatar
    Just quickly , apologies for not reading this post before I replied to your later one.

    There isn't any need to feel disconcerted or worried about an inability to talk openly with a therapist. The therapist (provided they're at least half-way decent) will understand that you aren't ready yet to do much else in the session besides sit and blurt out a phrase or two. No one will be disappointed with you if this is the case... . Chin up , there's time yet...
    Updated April 19, 2012 at 03:13 PM by 123xyz
  2. Tibby's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by 123xyz
    Just quickly , apologies for not reading this post before I replied to your later one.

    There isn't any need to feel disconcerted or worried about an inability to talk openly with a therapist. The therapist (provided they're at least half-way decent) will understand that you aren't ready yet to do much else in the session besides sit and blurt out a phrase or two. No one will be disappointed with you if this is the case... . Chin up , there's time yet...
    I realize that self injury can be difficult to understand if you are not the one doing it.For me it`s a coping mechanism.It`s the way I scream and let it all out.It`s unhealthy that much I do know.I do see a doctor and take medication.

    Thank you for your apology.

    Tibbs
  3. 123xyz's Avatar
    It isn't so much that self-injury is hard for me to understand ( from what I know , it has a great deal to do with compensation and displacement) but , rather, that I hate to see anyone as plainly intelligent as you are do so.

    I know it sounds trite but if/when you see a therapist , you could do worse than printing out some of these blog entries and showing them to him/her , particularly if you're not confident about addressing these issues in person.

    Again , apologies for the advice or about being too presumptuous...

    Good to talk with you...