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My Only Weakness

I do dwell on things I'm missing....

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I build houses on them and decorate them in a gory, bohemian fashion.
Then I sit there inside them until I begin to decay.
I'm listening to Vauxhall.
I have such flow of thought when I listen to this album.
Moz has this affect on me because of all the years I sat in the middle of a bed writing furiously in all
those volumes of books I have penned whilst listening to him.
In a previous blog entry, I touched on the ease with which ideas flow when I am writing something about him.
However, I failed to account for the small detail that it is when I am actually listening to him that my channels open up
and my fingers fly across this keyboard with a Joycean frenzy.
I like my thoughts with a music background.
It gives me a pleasant balance of my current thoughts and my memories and I feel more cohesively myself.
I think I may have transferred a lot of my portable identity to my music, since I seem to keep parting ways with
my most treasured possessions.
I have suffered two sets of significant material loss, the first having been fourteen years ago, is less painful now,
but it was the more sentimentally taxing loss of the two. And it was loss that occurred in the absence of choice in the matter.
The second, most recent and thus, more acutely painful loss, was at my own dictation.
I just walked away from it all because I couldn't drag it over here with me.
Then, there are the things I miss about being at home.
Mostly little things one would never imagine missing.
I attempt to console myself with the idea that I am having a life experience.
It offers little solace once I factor in the fullness of the situation, and the greatest losses therein have
nothing to do with anything material.
The degree to which I immerse myself in this self-indulgent nonsense is shameful.
But, I think it is now, as it always has been, the thing that keeps me sane.
I will recoup my losses. Perhaps, as it happened last time, for more and even better things than I lost.
Life is ever changing and when I find myself uncomfortable in a moment, I just try to remember it isn't for long.
Give it a minute, and it will shift and morph into the next thing.
In a reality shy of very many guarantees, that much is a given.
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