So Far From Where I Intended To Go

Two days without sleep.I`m feeling horrible.

I went to my new psych today.He is changing my meds once again.I`m kind of nervous about it.He took away some of what I take at night.The only thing that gets me to sleep at night.I did admit to him that I cut myself today.I also told him what`s been bothering me about another health problem I`m having.My other gastro doc told me I have anemia.What`s worrying me is that if it doesn`t get better than I`ll have to have more tests.I feel like I`m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders because I haven`t told a soul except a friend.I just don`t want to tell my mom right now because she worries enough about me and I don`t want to add to her worries.It might be something or it might be nothing.I`m hoping it will be nothing and then I don`t have to worry anyone at all.

And now my new psych also wants me to talk to a therapist.I really don`t want to do this.Talking and sharing is not really my favorite thing to do.I`ve been told I keep in everything bottled up inside.My family thinks it`s a good idea.Me I`m not so sure.All I`m going to do is see if my insurance covers it. Right now I`m really tired of doctors and of all these appointments.I just don`t think I`d be really good at talking to someone about my problems.I really struggle with talking about it.I find it really difficult to let those feelings out.My feeling is I`d rather just be left alone.I know that`s not the answer either because I`m not getting better.In fact I feel worse than ever.I feel like I`m drowning.