http://www.morrissey-solo.com/blogs/813-So-Far-From-Where-I-Intended-To-Go Morrissey-solo Forums en Wed, 19 Jun 2013 18:10:39 GMT vBulletin 60 http://cf.morrissey-solo.com/f/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.morrissey-solo.com/blogs/813-So-Far-From-Where-I-Intended-To-Go http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1206-Lying-There-And-Staring-At-The-Ceiling Fri, 07 Jun 2013 09:18:02 GMT Attachment 15663 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15663) This is taking a toll on me and affecting my physical health.I...

This is taking a toll on me and affecting my physical health.I saw the doctor earlier this week and it wasn`t good.I`m trying to get my head around it.Honestly it`s just made me even more depressed.They had to do a test on me right there in the office.It was terribly uncomfortable to me ,mainly because I really don`t care to be touched.I tried to remove myself from the situation while I was lying on the table.I tried to focus on the picture of the hot hair balloons on the ceiling(no wonder they put them there).Anyway that test turned out okay.The doctor wants to see me in two weeks.This may be the side effects of the meds I`m taking.I`m really scared. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1206-Lying-There-And-Staring-At-The-Ceiling http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1201-A-Dark-Empty-Nothing Mon, 27 May 2013 10:15:26 GMT It`s a little after 2:30 in the morning here and I`m a little too..ummm I don`t know to sleep.I have all these thoughts running in my head and I... It`s a little after 2:30 in the morning here and I`m a little too..ummm I don`t know to sleep.I have all these thoughts running in my head and I guess they must come out somehow.I have been thinking a great deal about the future and a lot about the past.I never thought I would be here at this point of life.It`s true I didn`t know what I wanted to do with my life.In fact I felt a great deal of anxiety about it.Still saying that I never thought I`d end up here.Most people my age have kids,houses,careers.I feel left behind.

I`ve been ill for so long,sometimes it`s hard to remember what life was like before all this.Before the meds,the side effects,the doctors.Before depression,before the self injury and ocd.I remember how scared and alone I felt when I first became ill.It was so,so scary.I thought maybe God was punishing me for something.I used to pray and pray all the time so I wouldn`t go to hell.I sometimes used to pray for God to take me in my sleep so I could escape this torture my own brain was putting me through.There is no way to escape it because it`s inside of you and there is no where to run.

Everything,everyone is passing me by.I`m sitting still and it feels like the world has no color.I don`t hear the birds singing anymore or see the great,big beautiful sky.It`s either hurting so bad that life does not seem worth living or feeling numb.Or you can`t sit still and you can`t do anything to keep the thoughts quiet.It all ends the same way ....pressing the blade into your skin,watching that blood run down your arm.That proves that I am really alive... or that release you needed so badly..this is how I scream...this is how it hurts inside.

I see it.I see how people look at me when they see my scars.I don`t want to be her.I don`t want to be her anymore.She is nothing.She is a stupid piece of worthless crap.A giant loser and a nothing.I hate her. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1201-A-Dark-Empty-Nothing http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1197-Black-Days Sun, 12 May 2013 08:22:01 GMT Sometimes I`m so numb I can`t feel a thing.It`s just a great sense of emptiness. I can`t feel pleasure or even pain.There are times when everything... Sometimes I`m so numb I can`t feel a thing.It`s just a great sense of emptiness. I can`t feel pleasure or even pain.There are times when everything just hurts so much I wonder if I want to or if it`s worth it to keep going on.Simple everyday things have become difficult.I don`t want to leave the house.Just leaving the house to pick up groceries causes anxiety for me.I know,I know,I know that`s not normal.I want to sleep all the time because it makes the time pass faster.I don`t know which is worse feeling nothing or feeling this overwhelming darkness.

On the otherside of this is feeling like I`m going too fast.I can`t sit still.I feel like I`m talking too fast.I can`t turn it off.

When I feel numb I want to feel something.So I hurt myself.When the darkness comes I want the light so I hurt myself.When I want it to slow down I hurt myself.It makes it better for a while.

]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1197-Black-Days http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1181-What-Have-I-Become Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:13:11 GMT It`s getting to be too much for me.The depression,the anxiety,my very noisy head. I left the house to run some errands.I couldn`t get anything... It`s getting to be too much for me.The depression,the anxiety,my very noisy head.

I left the house to run some errands.I couldn`t get anything done because I had a panic attack.It was so bad that my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital.I just took my an ativan.

I have no energy.I can`t make simple desisions.All I want to do is sleep.I would like to curl up in a little ball,roll away and disappear.

At night it`s at it`s worst.

That`s when it gets really,really bad. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1181-What-Have-I-Become http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1179-The-Noise-Upstairs Sun, 07 Apr 2013 10:16:32 GMT The darkness is taking my head. Attachment 15284 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15284) I feel so hopeless and I... The darkness is taking my head.



I feel so hopeless and I don`t know where to turn anymore.I try to keep going but it gets harder every day.I find it difficult to make simple everday desicions.It just seems like everything takes enormous effort.I just sit at the edge of my bed and try to organize my thoughts but everything is just so dark inside.I don`t want to hurt anymore. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1179-The-Noise-Upstairs http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1176-Crashing Tue, 02 Apr 2013 08:06:37 GMT Attachment 15208 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15208) I`m tired of living in the rollercoaster that is my brain.I...

I`m tired of living in the rollercoaster that is my brain.I really feel like I am losing it.I feel like I am an exposed nerve.It has come crashing hard this time.Everything just hurts so f**cking bad.I want to curl up in a ball and die.I want to disappear.Sunday was really bad for me.I just couldn`t stand noise. We had a family gathering for Easter.I just wanted to stay home.I don`t want to be this way.I`m tired of being tortured by my own brain.Nothing,nothing,nothing helps. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1176-Crashing http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1153-Here-Comes-The-Rain-Again Fri, 22 Mar 2013 11:59:22 GMT Attachment 15119 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15119) I am constantly exhausted.All I want to do is sleep.I said...

I am constantly exhausted.All I want to do is sleep.I said before that sleep is my only solace but sometimes I don`t even have that.I`ve been having nightmares some nights.The anxiety attacks have been coming again usually at night.

I just want to hurt myself so badly.I want to feel relief.I`ve been resisisting it but it`s so difficult.

I`ve tried so hard to be better.Everyone has advice.Maybe you`re not trying enough,try harder,be positive,cheer up,pray more,go to church.I`m not against religion or anything.I do believe in God.I don`t have the energy to do this anymore.It gets harder and harder every day.Everyday,normal desicions are impossible.I`m just tired and everything hurts. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1153-Here-Comes-The-Rain-Again http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1152-Drawing-Pictures Tue, 19 Mar 2013 07:30:11 GMT I went to see my therapist today.I answered all his questions honestly.I told him how I feel like I`ve been getting worse.He told me he was sorry I... I went to see my therapist today.I answered all his questions honestly.I told him how I feel like I`ve been getting worse.He told me he was sorry I was feeling this way.He asked me about the racing thoughts.I told him that they bother me so much sometimes,that I just want everything to stop.It was a bit different today.He brought some paper and crayons in and asked me to draw a picture for him.I drew something for him that I repeatedly draw in my sketchbook and on scratch paper and envelopes.He then looked at it and interpreted it.It was an interesting approach to me.He asked if he could hang on to my drawing.I said okay.He wants me to draw out my feelings and show them to him on my next appointment.He thinks it might help me to do something like that instead of using my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms.This helps me too.It helps to get these things off your chest.I see my psych next week maybe the adjustments to my meds might help. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1152-Drawing-Pictures http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1149-Washing-Over-Me Sun, 17 Mar 2013 08:27:08 GMT Attachment 15085 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15085) I have things that I remember;I`m not sure if they really...

I have things that I remember;I`m not sure if they really happened.I remember these dark corridors and I remember doctors being there and I was little.It bothers me because I`m not sure if they are real or not.When I was a little kid I used to have a phobia about doctors and dentists.I don`t know if that means anything or not.

The meds helped for a while.At least they made things tolerable.I was actually thinking about some kind of future.That hadn`t happened for quite a while.Around December it just started again.I tried to keep going.It became more and more difficult.Now I can feel that I`m sinking deeper and deeper.I just don`t know how to stop it now.My family is starting to notice.I feel like sleep is my only solace.I started feeling especially bad last night.I feel this wave of sadness and despair washing over me.At the same time I feel so empty inside.I just felt this horrible feeling.It was like I don`t want to feel this way anymore.I don`t want this anymore.It hurts so much.It`s twisting up my stomach into knots.I have no energy.I just want it to stop. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1149-Washing-Over-Me http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1131-I-ve-Been-Here-Before Tue, 05 Mar 2013 04:26:11 GMT Attachment 15023 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15023) I`m trying to keep myself together.It gets harder...

I`m trying to keep myself together.It gets harder everyday.Right now I`m really scared.I feel like I`m going to lose it.It keeps building up and I`m afraid I`m going to burst.I`ve been having these dreams/nightmares of being confined in a mental hospital.I am so afraid of that.I don`t want to lose control of myself.I try to be happy,I try to laugh along with everyone and pretend that I`m okay.Inside I`m consumed with the darkness inside of my head.I don`t want to be like this.I know there are people who have it way worse than me and I feel guilty for feeling this way.I don`t want to return to where I once was.I don`t think I have the strength to do it anymore. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1131-I-ve-Been-Here-Before http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1125-Love-and-Loss Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:24:20 GMT Yesterday was a nice day.I was really thankful for it.Those days are few and far between.I`ve just been thinking about things a lot.We were looking... Yesterday was a nice day.I was really thankful for it.Those days
are few and far between.I`ve just been thinking about things a lot.We were looking at some old family photo`s alot of them had my paternal grandmother in them.We lost her a few years ago to cancer.She was always such a strong woman.She didn`t have an easy life.Her mother died in a fire when she was little.She was passed around from family to family while her father worked.They weren`t ideal situations and she wasn`t always made to feel welcome.Those photos made me realize how much I miss her.It`s weird because I was arranging my closet and I took out the quilt she made for me.It`s my new project.I`m going to repair and restore it.She did it all by hand.

I am trying to take things day by day.My big sister told me she needs to have a biopsy.I am being supportive.I know I`m not the only one with troubles.I love both of my sister`s very much.I remember looking up to my big sis.She was always so stylish and loved to dance.She is very pretty and lots of guys liked her.She is pretty but wasn`t conceited.She has a wonderful,spunky personality too.My little sis was very shy and quiet when she was little.She was always so nice to everyone.We had a bit of a rivalary when we were kids.We have grown out of that and we get along very well.She is intelligent,pretty and a great writer.I guess I`m feeling a bit nostalgic tonight.I remember when things were shiny and new and the world seemed full of possibilities.I can see it sometimes.Some days I don`t remember what things were like before this.It`s hard to live inside this head.
]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1125-Love-and-Loss http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1119-I-Don-t-Know-Where-Else-I-Can-Go Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:38:46 GMT Attachment 14876 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14876)Attachment 14877...

I wonder to myself.When will all of this go away?When will it end?I`ve been suffering from this for years.I see the doctors,take the meds.I try to keep myself busy.I try so hard.Why won`t this end?I`ve heard everything from " you are not trying hard enough" "maybe if you went to church more","prayed more ect..You know what I pray every night.I would like to feel happy again or something like it.My life is colorless right now.Everything is fuzzy and grey.Food doesn`t taste good anymore.I feel like I can`t enjoy anything anymore.Somedays I feel like it`s not worth it to try anymore.Is it worth it to be living like this(if you can call this living).I guess you can call it existing that`s all.Sometimes it hurts so bad I can`t stand it anymore and I go to my preferred method of release.Somedays I feel nothing at all.I`m numb and it`s like I`m watching life passing me by.Everyone is moving on ahead and leaving me behind.I feel dead inside and I have to make myself feel alive again and yet again I return to my twisted method of coping.

I am no one,nothing.I really do hate myself.

************************************************** **
I can`t endure my situation
~MORRISSEY ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1119-I-Don-t-Know-Where-Else-I-Can-Go http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1113-Good-Song-s-for-Valentine-s-Day(In-My-Own-Sick-Way-and-not) Fri, 15 Feb 2013 05:39:14 GMT :love::love::love::love::love: Submission~Sex Pistols Beat My Guest ~Adam Ant Tomorrow~Morrissey(I know you don`t mean it) Do You Really... :love::love::love::love::love:

Submission~Sex Pistols

Beat My Guest ~Adam Ant

Tomorrow~Morrissey(I know you don`t mean it)

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?~Culture Club

Alsatian Cousin~Morrissey(bring me home and have me)

Suedehead~Morrissey (it was a good...)

Master and Servant~Depeche Mode

It Hurts Me~Elvis Presley

The Last Beat of My Heart~Siouxsie & The Banshees

Fade Into You~Mazzy Star

All I Need~Radiohead

The Ultimate one

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow~The Shirelles

Tonight With Words Unspoken
You Said That
I`m the Only One
But will my heart be broken
when the night meets the morning sun....

so tell me know and
I won`t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Which is how I really feel about things like love:sweet:

I don`t know where all this is coming from...:confused::confused:

I`m feeling a bit odd tonight.;) ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1113-Good-Song-s-for-Valentine-s-Day(In-My-Own-Sick-Way-and-not) http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1108-My-Old-Friend-Back-Again Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:36:33 GMT Attachment 14865 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14865) My best friend is silver and sharp.I`ve missed him but he`s...

My best friend is silver and sharp.I`ve missed him but he`s come back again.

I`ve tried so hard to hold on. I know it`s not the answer.I know that very well.I`ve just ruined it again.I hadn`t done it since October.It called me again.It will be okay he said.I will make you feel better and he did.For a while anyway.It felt alright again,I can breathe again.You`ve come back again.I feel like I`ll never be free again. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1108-My-Old-Friend-Back-Again http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1097-The-Darkness-Inside Thu, 07 Feb 2013 09:57:24 GMT Attachment 14841 (http://www.morrissey-solo.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14841) I have been trying my best to keep going these days.Somedays...

I have been trying my best to keep going these days.Somedays are better than others.The worst day`s it`s a struggle just to get out of bed.All I want to do is sleep because I feel it makes the time pass faster.It really sucks when I can`t sleep because I`m so wound up and all I can hear is the anxiety ridden thoughts swirling around my head.Sometimes it bothers me so much that I turn on the tv to try to drown them out.I want to hurt myself so bad just to make it all go away.It`s sick I know but it feels like relief to me.

My psych has put me on a new med regimen.I haven`t started it yet though.I went to therapy earlier this week.It was a bit difficult this time.He wants me to keep a journal and show it to him on my next appointment.I do keep one already.I do think therapy is helping a bit.I really like my therapist he`s really nice.

I`ve really been tempted to give in to my self harm urges.I haven`t given in yet.I don`t want to hide yet another injury.The depression is so bad that doing that is really just like another chore.Simple things that people without MI take for granted seem like they take enormous effort.Simple,everyday decisions stump you.I feel like I`m in a fog.I have all these things that I want to say but words fail me.On the otherside the ideas come so fast that I can`t keep up.My mom tells me when I`m talking to fast and being a bit to animated.My usual self sits in corner without much to say.Right now the depression is dominant.I`ve felt it coming since December.I`m really tired,maybe I should try to get some rest now. ]]> Tibby http://www.morrissey-solo.com/entries/1097-The-Darkness-Inside