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James Maker autobiography extract - 'Morrissey's peppermint-popping youth exposed!'
posted by davidt on Tuesday June 24 2008, @11:00AM

 Simon Cowell's Lisp Inhibitor Pills Will Fail... writes:
See James Maker's MySpace site for extracts from his autobiography, this one featuring his Manchester friend...

MORRISSEY : Gide The Ripper

The emergency door at the back of the bus flew open and three pairs of impressively large but badly manicured hands reached in and tried to drag me out. They had tasted blood and they wanted more.

I'd already been kicked to the ground for wearing a bowler hat on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of Manchester's Piccadilly Gardens but, luckily, two sexagenarian shoppers intervened. My new friend, whom I'd only met four hours ago, was considerably more fleet of foot in his white gym plimsolls than me. They were the last thing I saw as he accelerated with the commendable alacrity of Zola Budd and shot past me into the distance - before those uncouth hands wrenched at my jacket.

One sees this in wildlife programmes: the slavering pack of hyenas that gang up on the proud, beautiful mother cheetah to bring her down. But this particular cheetah was wearing cork-heeled boots, which tends to slow you up on the Serengeti of Central Manchester.

The soon-to-be most important lyricist of the 20th century met me at the ticket barrier of Piccadilly station earlier that afternoon.
I immediately saw that he had been putting on a 'brave front' since 1959, resisting both decimalisation and new fabrics. He immediately saw – a bowler hat. He looked a little like Patti Smith on the cover of "Horses" but dressed as Dee Dee Ramone and carried a satchel stuffed with vitamin pills and blank postcards. He would liberally distribute these postcards – upon which he scrawled cryptic messages – at bus stops, telephone booths and pubs. One might sit down in the Snug of a bar to sip a gin and tonic only to find a card pinned under the ashtray bearing the communiqué:

"I ENJOY EMPHASIS IN THE WRONG PLACE."

Alternatively, one peruses a bus schedule – iced cream in hand, en route into town to buy that pair of fancy new fashion jeans that you've had your eye on all week to find a blank postcard slipped under the fibreglass mounting. Curious, you tease it out:

"YAWNING EMPTINESS DEMANDS EVER MORE DIMINISHING TREATS."

In September 1977 the New Musical Express had published another of his letters exhorting them to give more press coverage to the bands of the post-glam New York scene. They had printed his full address which I duly submitted to Directory Enquiries who, in turn, gave me his home telephone number.

"Operator, can you put me through to Manchester 666-7125?"

Momentary silence.

The click of buttons.

Connection.

Two hundred miles distant the calm of a damp, Stretford hallway is violently broken by the electronic trill of a 1970s Trimphone.

"Yes?"

The young man's voice was soft and hesitant.

"Steven Morrissey?"

A kettle began to scream in the background.

"Yes?" Mildly distracted.

"Hello. My name is James Maker. I am savagely distorted but I'd like to discuss the New York 8Dolls."

"I want you off this bus," the driver shouted.

We had fled to a waiting bus after the kicking incident. We stood very closely behind two people and their dogs to form part of a queue, hopelessly trying to blend in, when we realised that they were blind and had no idea what was going on. There was no-one that we could appeal to. We were spotted again and, as the gang drew near, we ran onto another bus bound for Lower Broughton. Outside, seven pairs of tattooed fists graphically expressed their desire to drive their chunky sovereign rings into our pretty little faces.

I had escaped the grabbing hands only by accurate and vicious deployment of my cork-heeled boots and we were now sat at the front – away from the emergency door - rigid with obstinacy. Morrissey has been compared to many people, most notably Oscar Wilde, but on that afternoon he was the Rosa Parks of Old Trafford.

"I refuse to give up my seat on this bus," he said, quietly.

"You are refusing to leave this bus?" replied the driver, nostrils flared.

"Yes. I refuse to alight." The arms were folded. Unbudgeable.

A Morrisseyean tactic. Some people advance by fighting and struggling and pushing and scratching; others sometimes advance by simply not moving at all – in effect, the locomotion is driven by the force of inertia.

The other passengers grew restless and the driver eventually relented, slamming the bus into gear as we all lurched out of the bus station. The beer monsters ran along side us and, in a misguided act of appeasement, I threw coins at them out of the air vent of a side window.

"You shouldn't have done that," said my friend, staring studiously ahead while, inches away, a face utterly contorted with hatred bellowed heavily-brewed obscenities in a north Manchester dialect at the pane of glass separating us.

"But what do they want?" I asked, beginning to feel bruised as the adrenaline subsided.

"You," he replied, popping a peppermint into his mouth.

 
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James Maker autobiography extract - 'Morrissey's peppermint-popping youth exposed!' | Log in/Create an Account | Top | 122 comments | Search Discussion
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The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Good Writer (Score:0)
Bad dancer
Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @11:26AM (#305698)
[ Reply to this comment ]
glaring error (Score:1)
zola budd ran in bare feet not white plimsolls ffs!

Otherwise most amusing!

love

Grim
Grim O'Grady -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @12:02PM (#305700)
(User #6996 Info)
[ Reply to this comment ]
Nice (Score:0)
Nice replay from a different angle. Like the peppermint. Moz as a surealist drop artist?

Moz, All I needs is You

True. Plimsoles
 
lonedom -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @12:03PM (#305701)
(User #7846 Info)
 With All The Love I Had, Which Was Not Enough
[ Reply to this comment ]
  • Re:Nice by Hello Indie (Score:1) Tuesday June 24 2008, @02:38PM
    • Re:Nice by lonedom (Score:0) Tuesday June 24 2008, @03:17PM
      • Re:Nice by Hello Indie (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @07:48AM
    So much more to James than just Morrissey' mate (Score:0)
    James is a nice guy, and so much more as a human being than just that bloke that danced with the smiths, or Morrissey's pal.

    James is a nice guy and if anyone here ever meets or gets to have a discussion with him you will find this out.

    He is not unlike morrissey in many ways, they sound very similar when you hear them speak for example, but I have never met or spoken to morrissey personally so I can not say if they are alike as people. I hope the people here don't do the usual attack of anyone saying anything about Morrissey, regardless of if it is someting good, bad or indifferent that they are saying, because James really wouldn't deserve it.

    Be kind people.

    (Braces himself for some abuse!)
    Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @12:33PM (#305704)
    [ Reply to this comment ]
    Great storytelling (Score:0)
    Makes me want to read more. Unfortunately James is not a celebrity so it's unlikely to be published.
    Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @12:50PM (#305706)
    [ Reply to this comment ]
    Not On Your Nellie (Score:0)
    James is an wondrous artist, and a truly wonderful person.

    I feel that I must ask, has James given permission for this to be printed on here?
    Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @01:24PM (#305707)
    [ Reply to this comment ]
    Que? (Score:1)
    "I refuse to give up my seat on this bus," he said, quietly.

    "You are refusing to leave this bus?" replied the driver, nostrils flared.

    "Yes. I refuse to alight." The arms were folded. Unbudgeable.

    Excellent. Defeating a bus driver has to give you some satisfaction in life.
    Hello Indie <ellebo90@aol.com> -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @02:36PM (#305713)
    (User #13749 Info)
     Todo lo que digo se interpone en el camino y hacer/Todo lo que permanece mi como pegamento.
    [ Reply to this comment ]
    • Re:Que? by goinghome (Score:1) Tuesday June 24 2008, @03:05PM
      • Re:Que? by lonedom (Score:0) Tuesday June 24 2008, @03:24PM
        • So how hard was that? by Anonymous (Score:0) Tuesday June 24 2008, @03:32PM
          James Maker now he was a good support act (Score:0)
          His camp dancing was hilarious!
          No, he is talented, unlike some.
          Apart from the fact you could giggle at his dancing..ha ha
          Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @02:59PM (#305718)
          [ Reply to this comment ]
          Too funny (Score:0)
          This guy is a great writer. I enjoyed the read.
          Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @04:17PM (#305738)
          [ Reply to this comment ]
            Oh my! (Score:1)
            I can just IMAGINE everyone scurrying to MySpaz and trying to befriend James. (Yeah, I did too) (he's online as a matter of fact) Great story!
            Pachinko -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @04:37PM (#305740)
            (User #21276 Info)
            [ Reply to this comment ]
            • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Tuesday June 24 2008, @04:53PM
              • Re:Oh my! by Anonymous (Score:0) Wednesday June 25 2008, @04:59PM
                • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @07:49PM
                  • Re:Oh my! by Anonymous (Score:0) Wednesday June 25 2008, @08:59PM
                    • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @09:24PM
                      • Re:Oh my! by Anonymous (Score:0) Thursday June 26 2008, @12:14AM
                        • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Thursday June 26 2008, @07:19AM
                          • Re:Oh my! by Anonymous (Score:0) Thursday June 26 2008, @05:52PM
                            • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Thursday June 26 2008, @07:00PM
                              • Re:Oh my! by Corrissey (Score:1) Thursday June 26 2008, @07:38PM
                                • Re:Oh my! by Pachinko (Score:1) Thursday June 26 2008, @09:50PM
                        Altoids (Score:1)
                        I think Morrissey's mint of choice would definitely be an Altoid. *Curiously Strong* :o)
                        Pachinko -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @05:03PM (#305745)
                        (User #21276 Info)
                        [ Reply to this comment ]
                        • Re:Altoids by Anonymous (Score:0) Tuesday June 24 2008, @08:14PM
                          • Re:Altoids by Pachinko (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @12:42AM
                          • Re:Altoids by Lemmy (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @08:44AM
                            • Re:Altoids by Pachinko (Score:1) Wednesday June 25 2008, @09:19AM
                            Hrm. (Score:0)
                            He forgot to mention the gay bar they'd been in earlier that night.
                            Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @11:14PM (#305757)
                            [ Reply to this comment ]
                            and if the band youre in starts playing different (Score:0)
                            tunes

                            i'll see you on the dark side of the moon
                            Anonymous -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @04:37AM (#305774)
                            [ Reply to this comment ]
                              what the hell? (Score:0)
                              Why can't this guy write properly? Who says what to who and does what in that story? What?
                              Anonymous -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @05:15AM (#305775)
                              [ Reply to this comment ]
                              Summer Reading (Score:1)
                              Thank you for this easy, breezy, summer reading. This somewhat filled the void I felt when Cosmopolitan magazne stopped featuring those sexy adventure stories they used to include in their summer issues all those many moons ago.

                              The bus incident Maker described is very similiar to Morrissey's Melody Maker recollections, although the time of day and place differ. Although, I wouldn't be suprized if both men experienced confrontations like this often; gangs of drunken men looking to beat up anyone who stood out or appeared "different."

                              I'm not a MySpace person so if anyone here spots Maker and Moz's UFO story told in Maker's grandiose style, please post. That would make a nice second installment.

                              The 70s are back!

                              mozmic_dancer -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @06:27AM (#305778)
                              (User #11277 Info)
                               "I am the fun and the fair, on a Mozsite for the criminally insane..."
                              [ Reply to this comment ]
                              Bus drivers=wankers (Score:1)
                              Any story with the bus driver coming off second best is ok with me, Purposly driving off in the rain when someone is running to catch it, you can bang on the door but they just stare straight ahead like they dont see you.....and then when you tell them that they are a wanker the next day when you catch up with them they tell YOU to get off the bus like you've done something wrong! And dont tell me about keeping to a schedule, if thats the case how come you wait an hour then three of the bastards come at once?

                              ASSHOLES!

                              They are right up there with Undertakers, baliffs and tax collectors. Yeah someone has to do the job, all wankers apply withen.
                              Mr Sunshine -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @03:40PM (#305821)
                              (User #21211 Info)
                               I was a nice kid. With a nice paper round..........
                              [ Reply to this comment ]
                              • funny by Anonymous (Score:0) Thursday June 26 2008, @07:32AM
                                James and Morrissey (Score:0)
                                Wow quite the story, ha ha ha. :o) It's nice to see something from Morrissey's youth, though a shame that the flaming metrosexual Morrissey's obviously paid James off to keep schtum about their adoloscent (and very gymnastic!) attempts to bring eachother off into their own mouths.

                                Pachinko
                                Anonymous -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @10:34PM (#305849)
                                [ Reply to this comment ]
                                Grat guy... (Score:1)
                                James is really a great guy with a nice sense of humor....and he is a talented songwriter and writes great....and lots of people must be jealous here because he knows Morrissey very well even before The Smiths...and on Myspace he is just a very nice guy and fun !!! yep !!!
                                krivos -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @11:43PM (#305852)
                                (User #11218 Info)
                                [ Reply to this comment ]
                                  at last (Score:1)
                                  a biography in which we will read more personal
                                  details all books yet released, as we all know
                                  James is one of his longest loyal friend

                                  Reading this piece mouth open wide, heart pounding I forgot such details at when is it gonna be released

                                  and the big question is, did Morrissey aprove
                                  [I think James would never do anything that could end this longtime friendship , writing his
                                  own life, but I'm sure there be lots of more
                                  Morrissey talk innit, and can't wait till i got the book in me hand]
                                  Celibate Cry <vauxhall@mail2uk.com> -- Thursday June 26 2008, @07:41AM (#305863)
                                  (User #220 Info)
                                   and the hills are alive with celibate cries
                                  [ Reply to this comment ]
                                    How comes he claims to be 47 (Score:0)
                                    When he and Morrissey met when they were both 16?
                                    Anonymous -- Thursday June 26 2008, @03:47PM (#305900)
                                    [ Reply to this comment ]
                                      Dumbass' (Score:0)
                                      You fucking people make me sick.
                                      Anonymous -- Monday June 30 2008, @04:59PM (#306450)
                                      [ Reply to this comment ]
                                        Re:bosom buddies (Score:0)
                                        Please remove this post as it is massively offensive to anyone with half a brain.
                                        Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @12:35PM (#305705)
                                        [ Reply to this comment | Parent ]
                                          Re:bosom buddies (Score:1)
                                          What a sad, small, lonely person you must be. Put down the crosswords puzzles (you never finish them anyway) and go outside now and then. You might learn a new word or discover a new meal as an alternative to the T.V. dinners your stepmom heats up in your trailer park castle before you sit on the hard floor and watch "Bonanza" re-runs together.
                                          Bozzer1 -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @02:14PM (#305711)
                                          (User #19426 Info)
                                           "There's more to life than books you know. But not much more."
                                          [ Reply to this comment | Parent ]
                                          Re:bosom buddies (Score:0)
                                          how damned you must be to imagine such vileness.
                                          you will come to nothing in this life.
                                          Anonymous -- Tuesday June 24 2008, @02:46PM (#305717)
                                          [ Reply to this comment | Parent ]
                                          Re:bosom buddies (Score:0)
                                          You're so very confused.

                                          Anonymous -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @02:36AM (#305769)
                                          [ Reply to this comment | Parent ]
                                            Re:bosom buddies (Score:1)
                                            You're one disgusting freak, aren't you? No, don't answer, we already know. Piss off you worthless piece of smegma. You're only jealous because YOU don't have the talent to write anything worthwhile except childish nonsense. Grow the fuck up.
                                            Pachinko -- Wednesday June 25 2008, @09:17AM (#305789)
                                            (User #21276 Info)
                                            [ Reply to this comment | Parent ]
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