Storytelling Thread - The Sequel! [Archive]

The Cat's Mother

July 4, 2007, 09:27 AM

I think it's time we had another tagfic. Anyone can join in and introduce any real or fictional characters they choose, including famous folks and forum-users. Fangurl warning: Mary-Sues will be ridiculed mercilessly. ;)

Here's your starter, then:

One wet, summer night, nice Mr Boorer was sitting in the bath with his faithful rubber duck, Francis, when he heard a knocking at his bathroom door. "Come in!" he said, (rather recklessly, considering the sort of people who might want to contribute to this story) and waited for the door to open. When nothing happened he gave Francis a quizzical look and decided to investigate. He gave his wet quiff a good squeeze, got out of the bath, padded quietly over to the door and opened it. Whereupon.......

Bassist-In-A-Tutu

July 4, 2007, 09:41 AM

The Cat's Mother

July 4, 2007, 10:14 AM

A giant 6 foot tall rubber duck rushes into the room, grabs Francis and cries "My baby, my baby, they took you from me." Turning to Mr Boorer with revengfull glint in her eye she shouts "And you, you will pay for heanus act and........

"F**k me - a talking duck!" exclaimed Boz. "That's the last time I buy wacky sugar lumps from Big Malcolm!"

The giant rubber duck nodded in agreement. "Billingtons to Tate and Lyle - no going back from there." she said, sadly.

"I can remember when 'Silver Spoon' meant something." sighed Boz.

"And I can remember when I could spell 'heinous', sympathised the duck "but that's beside the point. You realise that Francis is technically under-age?"

Boz went pale and reached for his mobile phone.

*bring! bring!*

"Hello?" said a voice. "This is.........

Cassius

July 31, 2007, 11:46 PM

Mr. Boorer did not have time to hear who the caller was, for the door had suddenly been kicked open. Chris Hansen brazenly walked into the room, gave Mr. Boorer a sinister look, and said, "I'm Chris Hansen. What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?!" said Mr. Boorer. "This is my house!"

"Mr. Boorer, do you know that Francis is in an underage duck?"

"We were just bathing, honestly!" exclaimed Mr. Boorer. "There is nothing wrong with that!"

The giant rubber duck gasped.

"Is this true, Francis?" asked Chris Hansen.

Francis looked at the floor....

The Cat's Mother

August 1, 2007, 05:49 AM

Bassist-In-A-Tutu

August 1, 2007, 09:39 AM

"I've no idea who you are, Chris Hansen," said Francis, shyly, "but seeing as you can kick open a door that wasn't shut in the first place, I've decided that you're my hero!" Francis wiggled his little rubber posterior winsomely. " Take me with you. I don't care where you're going!"

So Chris Hanson, whoever he was, scooped up Francis in a suitably heroic fashion and strode out of the bathroom. Mummy duck followed them out, quacking on about Stranger Danger, seeing as she didn't have the foggiest who Chris Hansen was, either....

Boz's wet quiff drooped forlornly.

"Hello? Hello?" crackled the voice at he end of the phone. "Who was that Francis was talking to?"

"I've no idea." said Boz "But I wish this cameraman he left behind would either bugger off or loofah my back for me."

With that, the cameraman chuckled and pulled off a mullet wig to reveal....

A loofa, a back brush, a nail brush, shampoo, conditioner and a small yellow flanel.

You keep all that hiden under your fake mullet? Asked boz, incredulous..... Oh yes, It has to be a mullet you see, nothing else is big enough! Now, loofa brush or flanel sir? And would you like me to squeeze that spot before I begin?

I can't continue to bath without my rubber duck compalined Boz. Then he realised there was still a sound coming from the phone which he had forgotten was still in his hand.

He raises the phone to his ear and hears "I don't care if you.......

The Cat's Mother

August 1, 2007, 10:16 AM

A loofa, a back brush, a nail brush, shampoo, conditioner and a small yellow flanel.

You keep all that hiden under your fake mullet? Asked boz, incredulous..... Oh yes, It has to be a mullet you see, nothing else is big enough! Now, loofa brush or flanel sir? And would you like me to squeeze that spot before I begin?

I can't continue to bath without my rubber duck compalined Boz. Then he realised there was still a sound coming from the phone which he had forgotten was still in his hand.

He raises the phone to his ear and hears "I don't care if you.......

"I don't care if you get scrubbed with a loofah, a flannel or a brillo pad!" snapped Morrissey (for it was he on the phone). "Just be there for the soundcheck at 5pm!" Morrissey put down the phone and sat back in his giant hotel bathtub. "Rubber duck, indeed!" he tutted, as he cleaned between his toes with a half-drowned Jesse Tobias. "Trouble with Boz is that he's getting spoiled. Kristeen! Peel me a grape!"

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 06:02 PM

*Bump* Because I'm bored.

"I don't care if you get scrubbed with a loofah, a flannel or a brillo pad!" snapped Morrissey (for it was he on the phone). "Just be there for the soundcheck at 5pm!" Morrissey put down the phone and sat back in his giant hotel bathtub. "Rubber duck, indeed!" he tutted, as he cleaned between his toes with a half-drowned Jesse Tobias. "Trouble with Boz is that he's getting spoiled. Kristeen! Peel me a grape!"

lottie

October 29, 2007, 06:10 PM

LOL, this is great, keep it going,
i would contribute but im not i the best of moods right now so ti'd jusy be crap.
:rolleyes:

lilikoi

October 29, 2007, 06:23 PM

great story, I like the part with kristeen peeling a grape :D keep going...

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 06:25 PM

great story, I like the part with kristeen peeling a grape :D keep going...

I can't! It's someone else's turn!

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 06:50 PM

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 07:04 PM

Kristeen picked the plumpest grape from the bunch & squoze it, Jesse squealed soggily "that's a plum not a grape & it's mineeeeeeeeeeeeeee-arrrgh". Morrissey was besides himself (or was it just the reflection from the mirrored bathroom) when in the corner of his eye...
...he saw Johnny entering the room. He squeezed Jessie's plum tighter and spluttered for a minute or two... Johnny took in the scene sadly 'I thought you'd wait for me' he sighed 'but it looks like I was wrong' he turned to walk out the room... 'Wait!' shouted Morrissey Johnny turned, hope in his eyes Morrissey looked at him steadily 'Can you...no, I couldn't ask that of you.'
'Ask me' said Johnny softly. Morrissey looked at him 'Could you get me a eccles cake and a bottle of champagne from reception and leave it by the door? I seem to be fresh out'

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 07:17 PM

...he saw Johnny entering the room. He squeezed Jessie's plum tighter and spluttered for a minute or two... Johnny took in the scene sadly 'I thought you'd wait for me' he sighed 'but it looks like I was wrong' he turned to walk out the room... 'Wait!' shouted Morrissey Johnny turned, hope in his eyes Morrissey looked at him steadily 'Can you...no, I couldn't ask that of you.'
'Ask me' said Johnny softly. Morrissey looked at him 'Could you get me a eccles cake and a bottle of champagne from reception and leave it by the door? I seem to be fresh out'

Morrissey lay back in his bath and smiled, waiting for Johnny to return with the cake and Champers. He'd completely forgotten he was holding Jesse by the plums and frankly, he'd lost interest. "Here," he said to Kristeen, "Hang on to this for me, will you, Chuck?" Kristeen looked at what he'd slapped into her hand and scowled. "How come I always get the sac?" she asked.

*runs away*

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 07:21 PM

Morrissey lay back in his bath and smiled, waiting for Johnny to return with the cake and Champers. He'd completely forgotten he was holding Jesse by the plums and frankly, he'd lost interest. "Here," he said to Kristeen, "Hang on to this for me, will you, Chuck?" Kristeen looked at what he'd slapped into her hand and scowled. "How come I always get the sac?" she asked.

*runs away*
before starting to dry off a rather wrinkled and bruised Jessie. 'Ere' said Morrissey, looking down at Jessies sac 'Is that lipstick on yer plum y'bastard?'

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 07:27 PM

Ed suddenly sploshed up from betwixt Morrisseys legs his face blushed to match the lippy that was smudged on his lips & Jesse's sac, erm I had my eyes shut he blurted out & just then...

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 07:30 PM

Ed suddenly sploshed up from betwixt Morrisseys legs his face blushed to match the lippy that was smudged on his lips & Jesse's sac, erm I had my eyes shut he blurted out & just then...

....everyone had to ask who Ed was.

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 07:34 PM

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 07:39 PM

Ed (disgruntled) said, well I'm not Ed the effin duck that is for sure...
Just then the lights went kaput & a loud shriek resounded around the bathroom most unaccoustically (?), an unknown voice balked "Krissy shut the eff up!". In the distance a siren wailed...
'Who's got the bleedin' matches?' yelled Morrissey at the top of his lungs 'And me bloody jacuzzi has stopped bubling! Krissy, stick the straw from yer G and T in me bath and get blowing!'

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 07:42 PM

'Who's got the bleedin' matches?' yelled Morrissey at the top of his lungs 'And me bloody jacuzzi has stopped bubling! Krissy, stick the straw from yer G and T in me bath and get blowing!'

Just then, in burst that Chris Hansen bloke no one had heard of earlier in the thread. " Did someone say ' effin' duck'?" he asked. "Who's been effin' ducks and how do you know they're not under-age like Francis, here?"

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 07:48 PM

Just then, in burst that Chris Hansen bloke no one had heard of earlier in the thread. " Did someone say ' effin' duck'?" he asked. "Who's been effin' ducks and how do you know they're not under-age like Francis, here?"
The lights came back on and Chris surveyed the scene with horror. 'Ere, Krissy! ' Shouted Morrissey 'That's not a straw! That's me duck your blowing!' 'That's it' yelled DI Gene Hunt who'd just walked in behind Chris 'Put your knickers on love, your nicked!'

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 07:50 PM

from the pitch black bathroom the flashing blue lights got closer & closer the wailing siren screeched ever closer traveling at the speed of the (blue) lights, they both came to a sudden stop outside Morrissey's bathroom window, Chris H (whoever he is/was) lept out of the window, all they heard was a squat duck squawk & blood-splat as both Chris's head & Francis's head conjoined on the pavement together, the lady with the dog threw up &...

edit another kitchen in another world

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 07:52 PM

The lights came back on and Chris surveyed the scene with horror. 'Ere, Krissy! ' Shouted Morrissey 'That's not a straw! That's me duck your blowing!' 'That's it' yelled DI Gene Hunt who'd just walked in behind Chris 'Put your knickers on love, your nicked!'

"But who's going to bubble my bathwater?" wailed Morrissey, as two burly coppers bubble-wrapped Kristeen and carted her off in the black moria.

"Never fear, boss! "announced Boz, who'd been stalking Chris in the hope of snatching back Francis. " I 'ad a curry last night!"

EDIT:
Meanwhile, In Grim's parallel universe peopled by people called Ed....

....from the pitch black bathroom the flashing blue lights got closer & closer the wailing siren screeched ever closer traveling at the speed of the (blue) lights, they both came to a sudden stop outside Morrissey's bathroom window, Chris H (whoever he is/was) lept out of the window, all they heard was a squat duck squawk & blood-splat as both Chris's head & Francis's head conjoined on the pavement together, the lady with the dog threw up &....

...the whole messy affair bore a suspicious resemblance to Boz's aforementioned curry. It was an unfortune time for johnny to return with the Eccles cake and Champers. However....

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 08:02 PM

"But who's going to bubble my bathwater?" wailed Morrissey, as two burly coppers bubble-wrapped Kristeen and carted her off in the black moria.

"Never fear, boss! "announced Boz, who'd been stalking Chris in the hope of snatching back Francis. " I 'ad a curry last night!"
the door clattered open dramatically 'Actually' said Johnny sweeping in 'I think you'll find that's my job. Bugger off you lot' Boz, Chris, and the others left without a word...

...except hatfull, who was busy pushing Sam Tyler up against a wall, ignoring his protests, and murmering sweet nothings in his ear, until her husband HIM...

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 08:03 PM

"But who's going to bubble my bathwater?" wailed Morrissey, as two burly coppers bubble-wrapped Kristeen and carted her off in the black moria.

"Never fear, boss! "announced Boz, who'd been stalking Chris in the hope of snatching back Francis. " I 'ad a curry last night!"

the lady with the dog (from another parallel world) came to complain about the racket, Using her lucky torch (that she just happened to have on her) flashed at the bath & said "ooooh are you Morrissey (the lead singer from The Smiths)" she gushed? Morrissey replied...

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 08:06 PM

the lady with the dog (from another parallel world) came to complain about the racket, Using her lucky torch (that she just happened to have on her) flashed at the bath & said "ooooh are you Morrissey (the lead singer from The Smiths)" she gushed? Morrissey replied...

"Mum! You recognised me! You haven't seen Johnny, have you? He might have come a cropper in the mess on the pavement a couple of comments back."

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 08:11 PM

"Mum! You recognised me! You haven't seen Johnny, have you? He might have come a cropper in the mess on the pavement a couple of comments back."

Not that Johnny the one who used up all the Andrex back in '82, surely not? OOOOOOOOOOOh no what's that smell (sniffs deeply) I know that smell, it's just an imitation of the real Johnny! Just then Boz groaned...

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 08:13 PM

Not that Johnny the one who used up all the Andrex back in '82, surely not? OOOOOOOOOOOh no what's that smell (sniffs deeply) I know that smell, it's just an imitation of the real Johnny! Just then Boz groaned...

"In a parallel universe, they call Johnny an imitation of the real Boz!"

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 08:16 PM

"In a parallel universe, they call Johnny an imitation of the real Boz!"

3 day old Veggie Curry appeared... who's jammed the flusher, Boz said eye stinglingly?

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 08:34 PM

3 day old Veggie Curry appeared... who's jammed the flusher, Boz said eye stinglingly?
Moz hung his head in shame 'it was me' he confessed

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 08:41 PM

Moz hung his head in shame 'it was me' he confessed

"Oh, thank heavens for parallel universes!" exclaimed Morrissey's mum, breathing in the the spring fresh scent of the bathroom, with its never-been blocked loo. " And look, here's Johnny, armed to his wee gunnels with eccles cake and bubbly."

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 08:44 PM

"Oh, thank heavens for parallel universes!" exclaimed Morrissey's mum, breathing in the the spring fresh scent of the bathroom, with its never-been blocked loo. " And look, here's Johnny, armed to his wee gunnels with eccles cake and bubbly."
Johnny looked around for Moz 'Where's Steve?' he asked (as in this universe, he was not yet just known as Morrissey) 'I got 'im 'is cakes' 'kecks?' said Moz's mum 'Steven! Young Johnny's got you some trousers love'

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 08:47 PM

Johnny looked around for Moz 'Where's Steve?' he asked (as in this universe, he was not yet just known as Morrissey) 'I got 'im 'is cakes' 'kecks?' said Moz's mum 'Steven! Young Johnny's got you some trousers love'

With that, an irate bloke called Eccles ran in in pursuit of his trousers.....

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 08:48 PM

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 08:49 PM

With that, an irate bloke called Eccles ran in in pursuit of his trousers.....

"turn the knob on yourside?" Eccles cried

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 08:57 PM

"turn the knob on yourside?" Eccles cried
'who fancies a pint?' Eccles asked, lighting his pipe 'I've got some cracking cheese' he added, sticking his hands down his pants

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 09:11 PM

'who fancies a pint?' Eccles asked, lighting his pipe 'I've got some cracking cheese' he added, sticking his hands down his pants

Cheese? Bellowed O'Grady from another thread (close by - oft).

Bang bang bang (from the room next door) what was that?..

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 09:13 PM

Cheese? Bellowed O'Grady from another thread (close by - oft).

Bang bang bang (from the room next door) what was that?..

It was the folks on the Let's Kill Moz thread. They'd just shot him and were about to throw him off a train.

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 09:13 PM

Cheese? Bellowed O'Grady from another thread (close by - oft).

Bang bang bang (from the room next door) what was that?..
'What was that?' asks Moz's mum 'That' said Moz with a sigh 'Is hatfull and John Simms in a parellel universe'

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 09:14 PM

It was the folks on the Let's Kill Moz thread. They'd just shot him and were about to throw him off a train.
...In another parellel universe!

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 09:25 PM

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 09:28 PM

Hats & Simms ran through the streets, the Manchester rain soaked them throughly (?) "How the heck did that Manc rain find us here?" Hats breathlessly spaketh. "Dunno" Simmo replied through his damp fag. "Quick in here" he beckoned.
{inside the cathedral}
The man in the pulpit shrilled "turn your eyes to number 23, let us sing". a mighty (maybe heavenly) snapple of thunder with lightening cracked... yes it was Hymn 23 (at the door - he crashed through)...
'Get your hands off my wife!' yelled Hymn 23, otherwise known as HIM at Simms. 'But she started it!' yelled Simms 'I've just killed Moz, I'll do the same to you Simms!' yelled HIM, pulling out his weapon...

The Cat's Mother

October 29, 2007, 09:29 PM

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 09:32 PM

...which was, as always, a hefty edition of the Book of Common Prayer.
In a parellel universe...

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 09:40 PM

'Get your hands off my wife!' yelled Hymn 23, otherwise known as HIM at Simms. 'But she started it!' yelled Simms 'I've just killed Moz, I'll do the same to you Simms!' yelled HIM, pulling out his weapon...

{that crashing through of doors was like that Chris fellah from Mozzers bathroom, surely Hymn & Chris could not be one?}

Hymn (Him as is) put his mighty weapon away, but his trigger finger was always cocked (for reasons unbeknown at this stage of the story). "Simmo" he called out in to the bleak cold chapel! (where'd the cathedral go?) "simmo simmo simmo" (it echo'd around the bellfry - I think). Hymnster ran befuddled (tripping upon his weapon - thrice) until he found the bell-ringer, he (mr bell-ringer) silently pointed towards heaven (to all intents & purposes of this story that is upwards). Hymn pulled the strong rope of the bell, it peeled & pulled him off (upwards at great speed), he lept off at the top of the tower (miraculously), there windswept & bedraggled was Hats , save me kind sir she yelleped! (?) Well yelleping was allowed in wet & windy Bellfrys!
Unleashing his weapon... (again)

hatfull

October 29, 2007, 09:53 PM

{that crashing through of doors was like that Chris fellah from Mozzers bathroom, surely Hymn & Chris could not be one?}

Hymn (Him as is) put his mighty weapon away, but his trigger finger was always cocked (for reasons unbeknown at this stage of the story). "Simmo" he called out in to the bleak cold chapel! (where'd the cathedral go?) "simmo simmo simmo" (it echo'd around the bellfry - I think). Hymnster ran befuddled (tripping upon his weapon - thrice) until he found the bell-ringer, he (mr bell-ringer) silently pointed towards heaven (to all intents & purposes of this story that is upwards). Hymn pulled the strong rope of the bell, it peeled & pulled him off (upwards at great speed), he lept off at the top of the tower (miraculously), there windswept & bedraggled was Hats , save me kind sir she yelleped! (?) Well yelleping was allowed in wet & windy Bellfrys!
Unleashing his weapon... (again)
...in a parellel universe, Morrissey and Johnny were sharing a ...

Grim O'Grady

October 29, 2007, 10:07 PM

...in a parellel universe, Morrissey and Johnny were sharing a ...

pair of binoculars & both agreed at how impressive Hyms weapon was...

virtually dead

October 30, 2007, 04:25 PM

Russell Brand was crying histerically, quietly crying 'Morrissey! Morrissey!'
'Oh, I can never go to Brazil now! without my Morrissey!'
suddenly a handsome man in a trenchcoat stepped out from the dark, holding a...

HIM

October 30, 2007, 04:33 PM

virtually dead

October 30, 2007, 04:39 PM

dropped his trousers and looked triumphant

Alcoholic Afternoons

October 30, 2007, 04:40 PM

dropped his trousers and looked triumphant

until the laughter began, at which point

virtually dead

October 30, 2007, 04:44 PM

he chuckled shyly, only to discover his trousers had been stolen!

virtually dead

October 30, 2007, 04:53 PM

the more you explore me!

October 30, 2007, 05:07 PM

'I believe it was I...who stole your trousers' he growled,
"hold on!' shouted Johnny "who is this one? oh, why can't we have well known celebrities in these threads' he sighed heavily and returned to pawing Morrissey's neck..

and kristeen young, entered the room and started to scream out some new lyrics, while holding his hands over his ears, he made out that she was singing "he won't eat me out"???????

virtually dead

October 30, 2007, 05:17 PM

Everyone shifted uncomfortably until the thing was hushed up. (not KY)

hatfull

October 30, 2007, 06:44 PM

"why are you all looking at me that waaaay?" KY stood stupefied before them.

"i have a blog entry to write!" and with that she turned on her heel and left the room.

they watched her leave, at which point, Russell Brand turned to Johnny and declared, "what do you mean, not well known? I, sir, am Rrrrrrussell Brand! I am a loyal foot soldier of Morrissey's. My dedication is immense, i interviewed him this year and I'm sure if you search the download/bootleg section you will be able to find a recording! how dare you! i am officially insulted!"

it was not unusual for Russell to abuse the exclaimation mark. t'was always thus and always thus will be.
he then dragged Johnny off to an internet cafe to google 'Russell Brand' and talk Johnny through his career, while simultaniously humping his leg. 'And you wander why I left you' sneered Morrissey (the cat)

Grim O'Grady

October 30, 2007, 07:01 PM

he then dragged Johnny off to an internet cafe to google 'Russell Brand' and talk Johnny through his career, while simultaniously humping his leg. 'And you wander why I left you' sneered Morrissey (the cat)

'London 198 miles' read Morrissey (the cat) who was on his way to meet the Queen, "oh I do hope the Queen is not dead!" he purred...

hatfull

October 30, 2007, 07:13 PM

'London 198 miles' read Morrissey (the cat) who was on his way to meet the Queen, "oh I do hope the Queen is not dead!" he purred...
'Morrissey!' shouted Russell 'You swine! Come here at once!' Morrissey (the cat) sat down, stuck his leg in the air and started to wash his bum. Russell went to persue him, but caught sight of his reflection in a window and started to hump it. Morrissey (the cat) strolled off to Morrissey (the person) 'Oh' said Morrissey (the cat) 'You're the person I'm named after' He looked him up and down and coughed up a hairball on Morrissey's shoe to show his disgust.

Grim O'Grady

October 30, 2007, 07:30 PM

'Morrissey!' shouted Russell 'You swine! Come here at once!' Morrissey (the cat) sat down, stuck his leg in the air and started to wash his bum. Russell went to persue him, but caught sight of his reflection in a window and started to hump it. Morrissey (the cat) strolled off to Morrissey (the person) 'Oh' said Morrissey (the cat) 'You're the person I'm named after' He looked him up and down and coughed up a hairball on Morrissey's shoe to show his disgust.

Morrissey (the human) flicked up Morrissey (the cats) hairball high in to the air, Johnny deftly leapt up & headed it in to the unsuspecting mouth of Russell (who happened to yawn just at that moment in time & to add to the element of this story).
Who would come to aid the choking Russell Brand?

hatfull

October 30, 2007, 07:34 PM

Morrissey (the human) flicked up Morrissey (the cats) hairball high in to the air, Johnny deftly leapt up & headed it in to the unsuspecting mouth of Russell (who happened to yawn just at that moment in time & to add to the element of this story).
Who would come to aid the choking Russell Brand?
Morrissey (the cat) and Morrissey both stood watching Russell choke in amusement. Suddenly, out of nowhere...

Grim O'Grady

October 30, 2007, 07:38 PM

Morrissey (the cat) and Morrissey both stood watching Russell choke in amusement. Suddenly, out of nowhere...

a man appeared
http://www.oxfordstudent.com/article_images/13/1699/0022.jpeg

hatfull

October 30, 2007, 07:41 PM

a man appeared
http://www.oxfordstudent.com/article_images/13/1699/0022.jpeg
...and with him was another man...Russell's showbiz pal, Noel Fielding!

hatfull

October 30, 2007, 08:41 PM

The first man introduced himself. "Detective Inspector Barge-arse." He flashed his badge to all in the room.

"I demand to know why there aren't more women in this story!"

His attention was diverted to the corner of the room where Russell continued to choke on Morrissey's fur ball.

"Oh Russell, you're still here. My mistake."

Noel...
went to help Russell, his fellow Goth Detective, standing behind him, taking him firmly round the waist and...

The Cat's Mother

October 31, 2007, 07:45 AM

went to help Russell, his fellow Goth Detective, standing behind him, taking him firmly round the waist and...

...squealing with shock as Johnny Marr sprang out of a china tea-caddy and demanded that everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

the more you explore me!

October 31, 2007, 09:57 AM

...squealing with shock as Johnny Marr sprang out of a china tea-caddy and demanded that everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

and gave Marr a spunk shower:eek:

(sorry)

The Cat's Mother

October 31, 2007, 10:04 AM

and gave Marr a spunk shower:eek:

(sorry)

*gasp!*

http://img117.exs.cx/img117/5601/n1qshok.gif

the more you explore me!

October 31, 2007, 10:11 AM

*gasp!*

http://img117.exs.cx/img117/5601/n1qshok.gif

said johnny!

virtually dead

October 31, 2007, 10:24 AM

Then suddenly the Morrissey-solo Moderation team burst in and gave tmyem an infraction for being rude :p
And for making the cat's mother gasp!

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 06:37 PM

With the commotion of several small groups of people now entering the scene, no one had noticed that Morrissey (the cat), through a small act of silent protest at the amount of superfluous characters being introduced into the storyline, had left through the window.
...but not without throwing up all over someones coat, he wasn't sure whos.

Grim O'Grady

October 31, 2007, 06:44 PM

...but not without throwing up all over someones coat, he wasn't sure whos.

& pissing on the settee that [Morrissey (the singer)] was just about to sit in!

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 06:49 PM

& pissing on the settee that [insert persons name here] was just about to sit in!
Morrissey (the singer) sat down 'Ere, Jonnehh, thanks for warming the settee for us chuck' he sighed happily. Morrissey the cat looked through the window happily as the silly singing human realised what had happened and freaked out, trying to steal the trousers of 'Jonnehh' to replace his which smelt of cat piss.

Grim O'Grady

October 31, 2007, 07:06 PM

Morrissey (the singer) sat down 'Ere, Jonnehh, thanks for warming the settee for us chuck' he sighed happily. Morrissey the cat looked through the window happily as the silly singing human realised what had happened and freaked out, trying to steal the trousers of 'Jonnehh' to replace his which smelt of cat piss.

Jonnehh now stridless strode off in a huff, Morrissey (the singer) strained to put himself in Jonnehs shoes which he'd had to take off whilst being de-trousered. Bugger these small shoes n strides he thought out loud (to himself).

Morrissey (the cat) was still pissing himself on the window ledge, it trickled off in to the cool night air & landed on the trouserless/shoeless Mr Cool himself's hair! "Oh blasted damnation" shouted Jonneh! Whatelse could go wrong today he sighed!...

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 07:20 PM

Jonnehh now stridless strode off in a huff, Morrissey (the singer) strained to put himself in Jonnehs shoes which he'd had to take off whilst being de-trousered. Bugger these small shoes n strides he thought out loud (to himself).

Morrissey (the cat) was still pissing himself on the window ledge, it trickled off in to the cool night air & landed on the trouserless/shoeless Mr Cool himself's hair! "Oh blasted damnation" shouted Jonneh! Whatelse could go wrong today he sighed!...
Just at that moment, Russell Brand appeared and began fawning over Jonnehh 'That's what else can go wrong then' sighed Johnnehh, as he tripped over a crack in the pavement and ended up flat on his face on the pavement...

Grim O'Grady

October 31, 2007, 07:25 PM

Just at that moment, Russell Brand appeared and began fawning over Jonnehh 'That's what else can go wrong then' sighed Johnnehh, as he tripped over a crack in the pavement and ended up flat on his face on the pavement...

"ooooh nooo the dirty bastards" (is it past the watershed yet?) "they could have cleaned that up after their dog ffs!" he said rather dismayed.
Russhole fawned all over him until the smell hit his nostrills! He leapt away from Jonneh & landed smack in the middle of...

The Cat's Mother

October 31, 2007, 07:25 PM

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 07:34 PM

...and called Claims Direct.
...the phone rang 'Hello Claims direct, how can I help?' said a familiar voice Jonnehh frowned. The voice sounded familiar... 'Mike?' said Jonnehh 'Is that you?'

The Cat's Mother

October 31, 2007, 07:36 PM

...the phone rang 'Hello Claims direct, how can I help?' said a familiar voice Jonnehh frowned. The voice sounded familiar... 'Mike?' said Jonnehh 'Is that you?'

"Bloody is!" said Mike. "I'm your new no-win, no-fee solictor."

"And if I win?"

"Aw, c'mon, you know the answer to that one!"

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 07:53 PM

"Bloody is!" said Mike. "I'm your new no-win, no-fee solictor."

"And if I win?"

"Aw, c'mon, you know the answer to that one!"
'well, as long as you understand, if you loose, you get noithing' said Jonnehh 'Rubbish!' said Mike 'I still get my...'

The Cat's Mother

October 31, 2007, 07:57 PM

'well, as long as you understand, if you loose, you get noithing' said Jonnehh 'Rubbish!' said Mike 'I still get my...'

...earlobes nibbled by Karin."

"You ruthless bastard!" cried Johnneh.

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 08:00 PM

...earlobes nibbled by Karin."

"You ruthless bastard!" cried Johnneh.
'she's too good for you! Your ears will suffocate her!'

Grim O'Grady

October 31, 2007, 08:18 PM

'she's too good for you! Your ears will suffocate her!'

"pardon" said Mike (The Drums)? "you a trouserless man, can't even put your hand in your pocket to help out an old mate, where are your trousers?".
Jonneh mumbled "Morrissey", "what?" said (The Drums) "that bloody daft cat has your trousers?".

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 08:20 PM

"pardon" said Mike (The Drums)? "you a trouserless man, can't even put your hand in your pocket to help out an old mate, where are your trousers?".
Jonneh mumbled "Morrissey", "what?" said (The Drums) "that bloody daft cat has your trousers?".
'how dare you call me daft!' said Morrissey the cat.

Grim O'Grady

October 31, 2007, 08:34 PM

'how dare you call me daft!' said Morrissey the cat.

"If only I wasn't a member of Peta you'd feel my boot up your arse Morrissey". Drums said rabidly. Just then his mobile went off 'Heaven Knows I'm miserable now' rang out shrilly. "eh waddaya want now" Drums said to the voice on the other end. "It's me..." the voice said...

hatfull

October 31, 2007, 09:41 PM

"it's me Andy. you got any money? I've been trying my hand at comedy writing but no one else thinks my jokes are funny."
'You're not' he replied 'I was always the funny one' 'Well' said Andy 'Those ears are a comedy masterpiece'

The Cat's Mother

November 1, 2007, 01:49 PM

"you didn't say that when they sheltered you from the rain. and no i ain't got no money for you. I'm skint meself. it's amazing how fast money burns a hole in your pocket. believe me mate, it costs a fortune to look this good. I tell you what though, i do have a box of rehearsal tapes sittin' in me house, if you sell them for me on ebay, i'll split it with you, say 95:5? but you can't tell anyone they came from me."

"heh, heh, heh, okay, mike" andy chortled. "god, mate, when did you become so clever?"

"well, you hang around with vinny peculiar long enough and you learn a thing or two."

"....like not to get yourself photographed hanging around a burger van...... oh, hang on...."

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:02 PM

"....like not to get yourself photographed hanging around a burger van...... oh, hang on...."

Suddenly, in several dimensions at once, Boz bounced in from his very own shiny new Frink thread, gave his loinclothed.... er.... loins a coquettish shimmy and said.....

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:15 PM

"My god Kate, that's some avatar, if i look too long at it i begin to feel horribly uncomfortable'

Everyone began to wonder whether uncomfortable in the context of Mr Joyce was good.

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:23 PM

It was only when a domino effect of projectile vomiting occured that they discovered it was not.

Once Boz had cleared himself up with the only material he had to hand, his loincloth, he...

...wished he was back in his bath with Francis, as he was before this sorry tale had started.

Ignoring Boz's predicament, Avatar!Mike waggled his ears, saucily. Gary Day's ears waggled back. It a was a bit like a courting ritual between four great crested grebes on a double date.

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:25 PM

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:32 PM

Sadly, he glanced down at his soiled loincloth and sighed,
'where are my fluffers, when i need them'?

Suddenly, In came....not Boz's fluffer as they were running late on suddenly entering, but all four members of the Beatles. (it is a paralel universe after all...)

*we took industrial action and walked out over our working conditions*

"What the hell was in that spliff?* said George, taking in the scene. "You don't see ears like that with your head even half straight."

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:35 PM

'It's alright. George, just don't look at them' said John
'Look at Ringo, he just can't deal with this!'
Ringo's lip was quivvering and his eyes were wide,
He whispered...

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:37 PM

'It's alright. George, just don't look at them' said John
'Look at Ringo, he just can't deal with this!'
Ringo's lip was quivvering and his eyes were wide,
He whispered...

"Thomas was a happy little tank engine, until one day, the Fat Controller...."

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:40 PM

'sugessted something that immediately Thomas though rather improper, but he desperately wanted the Fat Controller to like him...'

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:43 PM

'sugessted something that immediately Thomas though rather improper, but he desperately wanted the Fat Controller to like him...'

So he chuffed slowly into the dark tunnel, where Henry and Edward doused him with their white, hot steam, while smarmy Diesel and the Fat Controller watched from the sidings....

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:48 PM

and Thomas thought 'there is far too much sexual innuendo going on here' but looking over at the Fat controllers ruddy face and wandering hands, he just couldn't object....

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:51 PM

and Thomas thought 'there is far too much sexual innuendo going on here' but looking over at the Fat controllers ruddy face and wandering hands, he just couldn't object....

"Oh, Fat Controller!" Thomas sighed, as the steam shot from his hard, shiny blue funnel.

"I've not been called that since the fluffers walked out." reflected Boz, morosely.

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 05:55 PM

Boz wept quietly thinking that he really should have upped the wages,
He peered up through teary eyes, only to note how many people were in the room, seeing as no body had left yet....

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 05:58 PM

Boz wept quietly thinking that he really should have upped the wages,
He peered up through teary eyes, only to note how many people were in the room, seeing as no body had left yet....

....and the presence of several steam trains and Mike's ears were making things a bit cramped.

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 06:00 PM

The Beatles smiled apolgetically and stacked up on top of eachother...

somewhere..somewhere some thousands of fanfic writers gasp....

hatfull

November 2, 2007, 06:02 PM

The Beatles smiled apolgetically and stacked up on top of eachother...

somewhere..somewhere some thousands of fanfic writers gasp....
...in horror at what you two have done to Thomas the Tank Engine! I read that with the kids you know! :eek:

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 06:02 PM

The Beatles smiled apolgetically and stacked up on top of eachother...

somewhere..somewhere some thousands of fanfic writers gasp....

...and defect to the Duran Duran slash community.

Suddenly, three masked men burst in and started shooting....

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 06:06 PM

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 06:12 PM

'There's a Duran Duran slash community?' inquired Johnny, who thought people might have forgotton him.

Everyone tried to hide from the Masked men but fell over The Beatles in the panic, now Russell Brand, Rusell Brand's cat, Morrissey, Johnny Marr, Mike Joyce, Hatfull and Johnn Simms, Boz, Jesse and his Plums, and The Beatles were all in a tangled mess.

But this was far too complex for any fanfic to gasp at

So we switched to a parallel universe. The one where the bathroom smelt nice and in which Morrissey ( the bloke)'s mum was by this time putting on the kettle for a nice pot of tea. The scene was surely set for TMYEM! to come in and make a rude refernce to semen and the hapless Johnny Marr, but instead....

virtually dead

November 2, 2007, 06:14 PM

The three masked men came in AGAIN, and everyone thought this rather rude.
Morrissey's mum stold them curtly to stop blocking the doorway as they were expecting someone important.
They masked men mumbled appolgetically and unmasked them selves only to be...
The Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Silver (who was disguised as a man)

The Cat's Mother

November 2, 2007, 06:15 PM

virtually dead

November 3, 2007, 01:19 AM

Not wanted to object, Silver smiled shyly (as shyly as a horse can smile at least..).
Tonto frowned at him dissaprovingly, but then again Tonto was rather dissaproving of everything Silver did, as he was curiously filled with jealousy that he was rarely stradeled by the Lone Ranger.
Just then there was a sharp knock at the door...

The Cat's Mother

November 6, 2007, 04:59 PM

Not wanted to object, Silver smiled shyly (as shyly as a horse can smile at least...).
Tonto frowned at him disapprovingly, but then again Tonto was rather disapproving of everything Silver did, as he was curiously filled with jealousy that he was rarely straddled by the Lone Ranger.

Just then there was a sharp knock at the door...

"It's not Morrissey 'cause he's pitch perfect, even when he's banging yer door down!" chorused everyone on the tour who still had a job and wanted to keep it.

"Maybe it's Someone Important!" suggested someone, importantly, just as the door flew open to reveal....

Kewpie

November 12, 2007, 01:51 PM

"It's not Morrissey 'cause he's pitch perfect, even when he's banging yer door down!" chorused everyone on the tour who still had a job and wanted to keep it.

"Maybe it's Someone Important!" suggested someone, importantly, just as the door flew open to reveal....

Alain and Gary are standing in front of the door carrying their guitar and bass.

the more you explore me!

November 12, 2007, 02:42 PM

Alain and Gary are standing in front of the door carrying their guitar and bass.

with nothing else on!

HIM

November 12, 2007, 02:44 PM

with nothing else on!

and saying, "look at our nice penises"

virtually dead

November 12, 2007, 02:46 PM

everyone stared in wonder at Alain's ukelele which left nothing to the imagination.

they couldn't help but agree that they had very nice penises

HIM

November 12, 2007, 02:51 PM

everyone stared in wonder at Alain's ukelele which left nothing to the imagination.

they couldn't help but agree that they had very nice penises

encouraged by this warm reception they asked, "do you want to see what we can do with them?", and proceeded without waiting for an answer...

virtually dead

November 12, 2007, 02:54 PM

'be a part of it'

BAM

as they broke in to a rather fascinating version of New York, New York,

Kewpie

November 12, 2007, 02:55 PM

PJ Harvey added her contribution to the display,

Shhhhhhhhhinanagig, You Exhibitionist!

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:10 PM

PJ Harvey added her contribution to the display,

Shhhhhhhhhinanagig, You Exhibitionist!

Just then, Gary and Alain realised that Virtie was falling asleep in her English class.

"We carn' 'ave that!" said Alain, who knew how important it is to know English like wot she is talked. " We'll 'ave to do summat dead 'omoerotic ter wake 'er up a bit!"

"If you fink I'm doin' that fing with the curly courgette again, you've got anovver fing comin' mate!" growled Gary.

"Nah! It's alwight. We'll just shag as usual, then." said Alain.

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 12:13 PM

Just then, Gary and Alain realised that Virtie was falling asleep in her English class.

"We carn' 'ave that!" said Alain, who knew how important it is to know English like wot she is talked. " We'll 'ave to do summat dead 'omoerotic ter wake 'er up a bit!"

"If you fink I'm doin' that fing with the curly courgette again, you've got anovver fing comin' mate!" growled Gary.

"Nah! It's alwight. We'll just shag as usual, then." said Alain.

and this was all too much for George Harrison
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x272/PashernatePoet/georgefaint.gif

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:18 PM

and this was all too much for George Harrison
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x272/PashernatePoet/georgefaint.gif

...who died on the spot with sheer excitement. But at least he died with lovely, bouncy hair.

Then, an eerie shriek, almost too high for anyone but Morrissey (the cat) to hear.....

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 12:21 PM

Everyone exchanged worried looks, fearing the worse, she's got back in :eek:

But everyone was more horrified to find that Francis had been crushed by George Harrison's lovely bouncy hair.

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:30 PM

Everyone exchanged worried looks, fearing the worse, she's got back in :eek:

But everyone was more horrified to find that Francis had been crushed by George Harrison's lovely bouncy hair.

Boz wrung his loincloth in despair, stumbling backwards against the catflap and decapitating Kristeen, who'd got stuck partway though after her bubble-wrap had snagged on the locking button. Kristeen's detached noggin rolled artfully into the middle on the floor, ending right side up in the dead centre of (human) Morrissey's mum's circular hearthrug.

Everyone applauded her for the sheer artistry of her demise. Because she too, gave good head.

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 12:35 PM

Gary giggled, picked up Kristeen's head and threw it as Alian, who squealed and threw it Paul McCartney, who was'nt very good at catching and dropped it in Morrissey's (the human) bath...

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:38 PM

Gary giggled, picked up Kristeen's head and threw it as Alian, who squealed and threw it Paul McCartney, who was'nt very good at catching and dropped it in Morrissey's (the human) bath...

The head bobbed up toward Morrissey, the dead eyes a goggle, the mouth open in the manner of one last, unearthly theramin-like backing vocal. Suddenly, Morrissey realised what Boz saw in Francis.

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 12:44 PM

He stepped out the bath and rushed over to seize Francis from George Harrison's lovely bouncy hair, and peered into his wonderous plastic dead eyes.
He began to weep ever so softly.

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:48 PM

He stepped out the bath and rushed over to seize Francis from George Harrison's lovely bouncy hair, and peered into his wonderous plastic dead eyes.
He began to weep ever so softly.

"Oh, Mum!" he snivelled. "Maybe if you'd let me have an underage duck when I was growing up, I'd have ended up personable and loinclothed like Boz! My life is a ruin! A ruin!"

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 12:51 PM

Morrissey's Mum sighed and mumbled 'poof' under her breath...
She decided that The Beatles were really much nicer boys.

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 12:59 PM

Morrissey's Mum sighed and mumbled 'poof' under her breath...
She decided that The Beatles were really much nicer boys.....

... especially as so many of them were dead. Unlike her own offspring, who, with barely a decade before his bus pass popped through the letter box, was wailing even worse than his partial tub-mate ever did when she was alive.

"Can you keep the noise down, please?" shouted a man called Gav who is actually Virtie's English teacher. (Yes, Gav, from this day forth, you have fanfic!) "I'm trying to teach a lesson in here!"

"We're all that's keeping one of your students awake!" chorused Morrissey, his mum, Boz, Gary, Alain and the various deceased characters strewn around Mrs M's parlour. "So ner-ner-ni-ner-ner!"

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 10:35 PM

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 10:40 PM

Gav was really very pleased to have a fanfic, though he would never say.
He eyed the room with that look of silent dissapointment that he usually reserves solely for rebellious children.

(Kate, i have to look at this man everyday, so....don't bloody make it difficult bu involving..anything...inappropriate)

He pondered sadly on the fact that he hadn't been able to teach Virtie how to spell "disappointment" ...and it was only then that Gav noticed that his trousers had vanished.

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 10:46 PM

somewhere 20 milk bottles crashed to the floor
everyone was rather confused
and not only that they kept getting Gav and Gary mixed up....

The Cat's Mother

November 13, 2007, 10:54 PM

somewhere 20 milk bottles crashed to the floor
everyone was rather confused
and not only that they kept getting Gav and Gary mixed up....

..in fact, mostly they were wondering when the milkman had sneaked in past Kristeen's decapitated corpse.

"I'm your dad!" cried the milkman to Gaz and Gav. "I shagged both your mums because milkmen in farcical "comedies" like this are always proper fanny-rats. That's why people get you mixed up!"

"Can you tell us apart, Dad?" cried the brothers.

"Of course! It's obvious; Gav never has any trousers on!"

Everyone looked. Francis fainted.

virtually dead

November 13, 2007, 10:58 PM

Everyone was rather shocked, seeing as Francis had dies when crushed by George Harrison's lovely bouncy hair. Not to mention by the lack of Gav's trousers.

More so, everyone was disapointed not to get their milk

The Cat's Mother

November 18, 2007, 08:42 PM

virtually dead

November 18, 2007, 09:54 PM

He wouldn't say no to a dead duck

Kewpie

November 20, 2007, 01:25 PM

He wouldn't say no to a dead duck

While Boz and co were waiting for the duck to be roasted, they spotted a shiny flying object was approaching to them.

The Cat's Mother

November 20, 2007, 03:57 PM

While Boz and co were waiting for the duck to be roasted, they spotted a shiny flying object was approaching to them.

It was Jobriath in a flying saucer!

"Take me to your leader!" demanded Alien!Jobriath, fussing with his lurex tights.

"He's in the bath with the severed head of Kristeen Young!" explained Boz, politely. "Shall I tell him who wants to see him?"

"His new support act!" announced Alien!Jobriath "And it sounds like I arrived in the nick of time, sweet thing!"

"Hang on, mate - aren't you dead or sumfink?" demanded ....er, Trigger.

"Since when did that stop anyone appearing in this thread?" pouted Alien!Jobriath.

"Gurgurglegurgle!" agreed Kristeen!head

Morrissey scowled at her and used her to loofah his bum.

vicarinatutugal

November 20, 2007, 03:59 PM

I have nothing to add really other than HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! :D

The Cat's Mother

November 20, 2007, 04:05 PM

I have nothing to add really other than HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! :D

.... said Morrissey, who hadn't expected it to tickle so much.

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 11:46 AM

.... said Morrissey, who hadn't expected it to tickle so much.

"Huh, what do you mean?" said Alien!Jobriath, who turned head around.

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 12:47 PM

"Huh, what do you mean?" said Alien!Jobriath, who turned head around.

Unfortunately, the head in question was Kristeen's, not A!J's own. The poor girl's nose ended up stuck......

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 12:52 PM

Unfortunately, the head in question was Kristeen's, not A!J's own. The poor girl's nose ended up stuck......

her own hair, as if her nose hair suddenly grew beard.

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 01:02 PM

her own hair, as if her nose hair suddenly grew beard.

"OhMyGawdthedeadgirlhasolder!mannosehair!" shrieked A!J, pulling his spangled thong out his bum-crack as he leapt from his flying saucer, which splash-landed in the bath. "Don't you just ADORE the genderbendiness? I feel at home here already, but what's with the burning rubber smell?"

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 01:05 PM

"OhMyGawdthedeadgirlhasolder!mannosehair!" shrieked A!J, pulling his spangled thong out his bum-crack as he leapt from his flying saucer, which splash-landed in the bath. "Don't you just ADORE the genderbendiness? I feel at home here already, but what's with the burning rubber smell?"

"Ah," said Kriseen, "They're roasting a rubber duck!"

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 01:17 PM

"Ah," said Kriseen, "They're roasting a rubber duck!"

"Uh-huh? Yeah, 'course they are, honey." said J!A, warily. "Say, why don't you pop that little hairy-nosed head of yours into my flying saucer while I talk to Mr Mammaries, here?" J!A grabbed Kristeen!head's hair and dumped her into the flying saucer, pressed a few buttons and....

WHOOSH! Off the little tinfoiled craft sped, out through the window that Morrissey's mum opened just in time and away....away into sppaaaacccceee..... arriving neatly in an episode of Futurama where Kristeen!head was put in a jar and placed on a shelf between the bottled heads of Lucy Liu and Richard Nixon. Except that Kristeen!head's jar was made of plastic, so that she couldn't shatter it when she got drunk at Christmas parties and started singing Rubettes songs.

"I think Francis is about done now." said Boz, bunching up his loincloth to use as an oven glove.

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 01:24 PM

"Uh-huh? Yeah, 'course they are, honey." said J!A, warily. "Say, why don't you pop that little hairy-nosed head of yours into my flying saucer while I talk to Mr Mammaries, here?" J!A grabbed Kristeen!head's hair and dumped her into the flying saucer, pressed a few buttons and....

WHOOSH! Off the little tinfoiled craft sped, out through the window that Morrissey's mum opened just in time and away....away into sppaaaacccceee..... arriving neatly in an episode of Futurama where Kristeen!head was put in a jar and placed on a shelf between the bottled heads of Lucy Liu and Richard Nixon. Except that Kristeen!head's jar was made of plastic, so that she couldn't shatter it when she got drunk at Christmas parties and started singing Rubettes songs.

"I think Francis is about done now." said Boz, bunching up his loincloth to use as an oven glove.

"Have you steamed sprouts? I want tofu salad with sesami seed dressing,"
Morrissey shouted from bath.

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 01:30 PM

"Have you steamed sprouts? I want tofu salad with sesami seed dressing,"
Morrissey shouted from bath.

"No steamed sprouts, I'm afraid, dear," said Morrissey's mum, "...but..." and she stuck her hand into the bath water and rummaged around, while Morrissey contemplated how much this would cost in him in visits to his therapist. At last she found what she'd been looking for and held aloft the drowned corpse of Jesse. "...I've got some nicely tenderised plums if anyone's interested."

But no one was interested, because it was Jesse.

"What's salad?" asked Boz.

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 01:39 PM

"No steamed sprouts, I'm afraid, dear," said Morrissey's mum, "...but..." and she stuck her hand into the bath water and rummaged around, while Morrissey contemplated how much this would cost in him in visits to his therapist. At last she found what she'd been looking for and held aloft the drowned corpse of Jesse. "...I've got some nicely tenderised plums if anyone's interested."

But no one was interested, because it was Jesse.

"What's salad?" asked Boz.

"Salad? A Dutch pop group fronted by a blonde siger in 90s?" A!J pointed at a turn table.

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 01:44 PM

"Salad? A Dutch pop group fronted by a blonde siger in 90s?" A!J pointed at a turn table.

"I think I'd have remembered if I'd eaten that." said Boz. Although there was that weekend in Amsterdam when.....

"Shhhhh!" hissed Gary. "You'll get us all fired again and then what would I carve on toss-pot's door? 'Die' and 'wanker' are the only two words I can spell!"

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 01:54 PM

"I think I'd have remembered if I'd eaten that." said Boz. Although there was that weekend in Amsterdam when.....

"Shhhhh!" hissed Gary. "You'll get us all fired again and then what would I carve on toss-pot's door? 'Die' and 'wanker' are the only two words I can spell!"

"A-ha, I'mgoingtosellsometeeshirtsofdiewankeronthetour!" A!J grinned with cheap alcohol breath.

The Cat's Mother

November 22, 2007, 02:09 PM

"A-ha, I'mgoingtosellsometeeshirtsofdiewankeronthetour!" A!J grinned with cheap alcohol breath.

Gary lit a match and A!J became an imprompteau fire-eater on the next outbreath.

"Ooh, just what we need for the creme brulee, Mrs M." said Trigg-Al, and helped her fetch the tray of desserts from the kitchen.

Suddenly, a headless, bubble-wrapped corpse righted itself from beside the cat-flap....

"Ooh, look!" bitched A!J. "It's Yawn of the Dead!"

Kewpie

November 22, 2007, 05:26 PM

Gary lit a match and A!J became an imprompteau fire-eater on the next outbreath.

"Ooh, just what we need for the creme brulee, Mrs M." said Trigg-Al, and helped her fetch the tray of desserts from the kitchen.

Suddenly, a headless, bubble-wrapped corpse righted itself from beside the cat-flap....

"Ooh, look!" bitched A!J. "It's Yawn of the Dead!"

"Huh, Halloween was three weeks ago, what are you talking about?" said Trigg-Al.

"Alright, dinner is ready!" Mrs M proudly announced.

The Cat's Mother

November 23, 2007, 11:42 AM

"Huh, Halloween was three weeks ago, what are you talking about?" said Trigg-Al.

"Alright, dinner is ready!" Mrs M proudly announced.

Meanwhile, in classroom far away, Gav was taking his Friday morning English class and wondering why Virtie was licking her lips.....

virtually dead

November 23, 2007, 11:46 AM

Virtie stops licking her lips and say quite frankly, 'Kate please, he's sitting beside me, and i can't help but look suspicious'.
But Kate didn't care, for she was a cruel, shrewd woman....

hatfull

November 23, 2007, 11:47 AM

Meanwhile, in classroom far away, Gav was taking his Friday morning English class and wondering why Virtie was licking her lips.....
...thinking about donuts.

hatfull

November 23, 2007, 11:48 AM

Virtie stops licking her lips and say quite frankly, 'Kate please, he's sitting beside me, and i can't help but look suspicious'.
But Kate didn't care, for she was a cruel, shrewd woman....
...vertie knew this cos she was one too.

virtually dead

November 23, 2007, 11:50 AM

suddenly everyone started shouting 'PLAGUE!' and Hatfull was burnt :p

The Cat's Mother

November 23, 2007, 11:54 AM

suddenly everyone started shouting 'PLAGUE!' and Hatfull was burnt :p

The inferno caramelised the imaginary doughnut sugar on Virtie's lips, tawnying her lips to a shimmering, kissable pout. Gav couldn't help but notice. He pulled his chair a little closer to hers, loosened his tie, cleared his throat and murmured....

(PS: It's okay, Gav; we're Virtie's grown-up friends and that's every bit a creepy as it sounds! :D)

virtually dead

November 23, 2007, 11:56 AM

STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,STOP IT NOW, STOP IT NOW,

I utterly refuse to take part in this any longer :p

hatfull

November 23, 2007, 11:58 AM

The inferno caramelised the imaginary doughnut sugar on Virtie's lips, tawnying her lips to a shimmering, kissable pout. Gav couldn't help but notice. He pulled his chair a little closer to hers, loosened his tie, cleared his throat and murmured....

(PS: It's okay, Gav; we're Virtie's grown-up friends and that's every bit a creepy as it sounds! :D)

HIM sobbed next to Hattie's blackened body for a good minute, before realising this meant he had a spare ticket For Morrissey On Saturday night, and rushing off to flog it on ebay

hatfull

November 23, 2007, 11:58 AM

The Cat's Mother

November 23, 2007, 12:04 PM

HIM sobbed next to Hattie's blackened body for a good minute, before realising this meant he had a spare ticket For Morrissey On Saturday night, and rushing off to flog it on ebay

While Gav felt in his pocket for some little round specs and started to croon...." A working class here is something to be....."

It was so beautiful that Virtie started to sob, but she was a proud little thing and pretended that she was mourning the charred, ticketless remains of Hattie. Especially the ticketless factor.

Suddenly, a flying saucer, on its way back from dumping the head of Kristeen Young in an episode of Futurama, was seen hovering outside the classroom window. A voice, distorted and faint, broke though the static of the saucer's radio, saying....

hatfull

November 23, 2007, 12:09 PM

While Gav felt in his pocket for some little round specs and started to croon...." A working class here is something to be....."

It was so beautiful that Virtie started to sob, but she was a proud little thing and pretended that she was mourning the charred, ticketless remains of Hattie. Especially the ticketless factor.

Suddenly, a flying saucer, on its way back from dumping the head of Kristeen Young in an episode of Futurama, was seen hovering outside the classroom window. A voice, distorted and faint, broke though the static of the saucer's radio, saying....
"Quick, put hattie's body in here, we can cure her!"

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 03:24 PM

"Quick, put hattie's body in here, we can cure her!"

"I'm not touching her! Unclean! Unclean!" yelled everyone except headless!Kristeen who staggered around, bumping into things as everyone else fled the room. Still, at least she was bubble-wrapped against the impact.

Boz quickly barricaded himself into the kitchen with Morrissey's mum and the tray of puddings. Jobriath, meanwhile, whipped out his giant 1980's mobile phone and dialled....

hatfull

November 26, 2007, 03:52 PM

leeeeeeee childers.
and asked him for some egg fried rice and half a dozen spring rolls.

Kewpie

November 26, 2007, 04:10 PM

and asked him for some egg fried rice and half a dozen spring rolls.

"Are you coming to pick 'em up or do we arrange delivery?" Leeeeeeee asked A!J.

hatfull

November 26, 2007, 04:36 PM

"darling, i don't know who you think you're talking to but i have minions for everything, i'll be sending cilla black round to deliver your...ahem...food."
Jobriath rubbed his hands 'grub's on its way lads' he shouted.

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 04:53 PM

Jobriath rubbed his hands 'grub's on its way lads' he shouted.

Soon the doorbell sounded. Kristeen answered. Cilla shrieked. "You've 'ad a lorra lorra laughs, luv! You've laughed yer 'ead off!"

hatfull

November 26, 2007, 05:02 PM

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 05:09 PM

"this will make yer day...you're my world you're everything..." bellowed cilla. "with you're hand resting in mine, i feel a power so divine..."

boz, lead by his nose, had unbarricaded himself from the kitchen and before she could hand over the food, boz had his face in the bag trough-like.

cilla, unperturbed continued to sing. "here, i, stand watching them..."

"Oh, my Gawd!" whimpered Jobriath, with his hands clamped over his ears. "Can' t someone chop off this one's head as well"?

As if on cue, the screeching scouser's ginger noddle flew from her padded shoulders and bombed noisly into Morrissey's bathtub. Everyone stared in wonder at the agent of Cilla's decapitation.

"Uh-oh! Mommy's home!" breathed Jobriath, in cheerful terror.

There she stood, clutching a bloodied scythe, her legs encased in giant condoms, her surgically enhanced feet radiating restored beauty as the vision addressed the man who was soaping his nethers with Cilla!head and a blob of Dove.

"'Ello, babes. Got a hug for your auntie Sandie, then?"

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 05:19 PM

morrissey sighed, "cut off just as she was beginning to sing one of my favourite songs of my youth. why do i never get what i want?"

"A shame Sandie didn't do it a few decades earlier, then we might still be in The Smiths." sniped Johnny, who had had himself smuggled in inside a spring roll. "And you in the loincloth, if you could let me crawl out of this spring roll before downing it in one, I'd be very grateful."

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 05:25 PM

boz, who was a little sick and tired of constantly being compared to johnny, refused and swallowed him whole.

Yup! I set 'em up, you knock 'em in!:D

Meanwhile, something rather exciting was happening to Mrs Morrissey's creme brulee....

virtually dead

November 26, 2007, 05:31 PM

'Oh I say!' exlaimed Morrissey

The Cat's Mother

November 26, 2007, 06:17 PM

'Oh I say!' exlaimed Morrissey

This was the cue for the Carry On cast, led by Charles Hawtrey in an SAS outfit, to crash in through the window, to the sound of massed Swanee whistles.

"Bring in the Heavy Artilliary!" shouted Roy Castle; a tricky task with a sabre clenched between yer teeth, let me tell you.

"Ooooh! MAtron!" chorused the team. And sure enough....

virtually dead

November 26, 2007, 11:31 PM

hatfull

November 26, 2007, 11:36 PM

it was all very camp.
Sandie Shaw found that all this calamity had really shadowed her dramatic entrance, and so she broke with much gusto in to 'Steven you don't eat mean (but you eat Kristeen Young out)' just hoping to get a reaction
Johnny ran crying from the room 'Is it because he wanted a go on her?' mused Boz 'She's pretty easy, I'm sure she'd let him for half a bitter and a bag of chips'

The Cat's Mother

November 27, 2007, 08:01 AM

Johnny ran crying from the room 'Is it because he wanted a go on her?' mused Boz 'She's pretty easy, I'm sure she'd let him for half a bitter and a bag of chips'

Kristeen nodded her neck in agreement and with a flourish, shed her bubble-wrap and jiggled her boobs about.

Kenneth Williams bridled with horror. "Matron! Take them away!" he pleaded.

"I'm not Matron, today, Kenny dear." explained Hattie Jacques. She pulled a little sparkling wand from her pocket and twirled herself around with surprising grace for a woman of 20 stones. "Today, I'm the Plot Hole Fairy."

Francis fainted with relief.

Kewpie

November 27, 2007, 11:59 AM

Kristeen nodded her neck in agreement and with a flourish, shed her bubble-wrap and jiggled her boobs about.

Kenneth Williams bridled with horror. "Matron! Take them away!" he pleaded.

"I'm not Matron, today, Kenny dear." explained Hattie Jacques. She pulled a little sparkling wand from her pocket and twirled herself around with surprising grace for a woman of 20 stones. "Today, I'm the Plot Hole Fairy."

Francis fainted with relief.

Meanwhile, in a classroom virtie was licking her lips again thinking of...

hatfull

November 27, 2007, 12:03 PM

Meanwhile, in a classroom virtie was licking her lips again thinking of...
Mike Joyce

Kewpie

November 27, 2007, 12:15 PM

Mike Joyce

"Forgive me Father Morrissey, I have developed a secret crash on Mike Joyce...but it's the only pleasure sitting in a boring class which Gav is in charge"

hatfull

November 27, 2007, 12:17 PM

"Forgive me Father Morrissey, I have developed a secret crash on Mike Joyce...but it's the only pleasure sitting in a boring class which Gav is in charge"
Vertie loving drew Mikes ears all over her note pad and sighed dreamily.

virtually dead

November 27, 2007, 12:29 PM

She was awakened from her dreamy sighing by a curious banging noise coming from underneath the table....
What on earth could that be?

Kewpie

November 27, 2007, 12:29 PM

Vertie loving drew Mikes ears all over her note pad and sighed dreamily.

"Is it sin if I call myself Joyce in honour of lovely Mike?"
virtie was trembling with unexplainable unknown feeling and sighed.

hatfull

November 27, 2007, 12:56 PM

"Is it sin if I call myself Joyce in honour of lovely Mike?"
virtie was trembling with unexplainable unknown feeling and sighed.
"Oi Vertie" shouted Gav

The Cat's Mother

November 27, 2007, 03:41 PM

"Oi Vertie" shouted Gav

My name is Joyce, now." Vir..... er... Joyce told Gav. "Plentiful ear-flesh is so very, very beautiful in a man, don't you think?"

She began doodling on her notepad again, while the desk rumbled beneath her tremulous Bic.

hatfull

November 27, 2007, 03:43 PM

My name is Joyce, now." Vir..... er... Joyce told Gav. "Plentiful ear-flesh is so very, very beautiful in a man, don't you think?"

She began doodling on her notepad again, while the desk rumbled beneath her tremulous Bic.
The teacher was going inton a panic 'I really wanted to show you all a programme on Teachers TV, but the satalite dish is knackered' he whined.

Kewpie

December 1, 2007, 10:10 PM

The teacher was going into a panic 'I really wanted to show you all a programme on Teachers TV, but the satalite dish is knackered' he whined.

"Um...can you get someone to fix it?"
Sensible Joyce said to Gav.

The Cat's Mother

December 14, 2007, 01:45 PM

"Um...can you get someone to fix it?"
Sensible Joyce said to Gav.

" I can do that! I'm ever so handy about the house!" declared Morrissey, and he leapt eagerly out of the bath wearing.... nothing but little rubber anti-verucca boots!

"Monster! Perverted Fiend!" cried everyone and fled the room in terror. All except Headless Kristeen, who bumped her shins repeatedly against the toilet seat in an effort to vamoose.

"So, my little bubble-wrapped, decapitated delight." purred the Monstrous, Perverted Fiend, squelching towards her cross the tiled floor, water dribbling out over of the tops of his little rubber anti-verucca boots. "We're alone at last."

:eek:

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 02:44 PM

When he was reaching Headless Kristeen, his rubber anti-verucca boots slipped on a banana skin.

The Cat's Mother

December 14, 2007, 02:48 PM

When he was reaching Headless Kristeen, his rubber anti-verucca boots slipped on a banana skin.

This was, of course, Boz's fault. He'd attached some bananas to his loincloth to demonstrate the new "Josephine Baker" dance routine Morrissey wanted the Lads to learn for the Doncaster gig, and Boz had, almost inevitably, found himself feeling a little peckish....

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 02:58 PM

Boz has to ring up Kate's to bring some food for him.

The Cat's Mother

December 14, 2007, 03:03 PM

Boz has to ring up Kate's to bring some food for him.

But halfway up the M62, he was distracted by the "Cake or Pie" thread, and....

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 03:10 PM

suddenly remembered that he had to buy a present to his loving wife Lyn.

When his car was approaching to the nearest Argos, he saw...

The Cat's Mother

December 14, 2007, 03:39 PM

suddenly remembered that he had to buy a present to his loving wife Lyn.

When his car was approaching to the nearest Argos, he saw...

....Kristeen Young's head, burning up as it re-entered Earth's atmosphere.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE EEOOOOOHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
it screeched, just before slash-landing into a duckpond, occupied by Francis' mourning mother, who....

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 03:56 PM

....Kristeen Young's head, burning up as it re-entered Earth's atmosphere.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE EEOOOOOHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
it screeched, just before slash-landing into a duckpond, occupied by Francis' mourning mother, who....

...was bathing.

*splash*

Kristeen's head spat water to mother's face.

virtually dead

December 14, 2007, 09:50 PM

Francis' mourning mother wondered why Francis had never taken to duckponds and was regularly found sharing baths with strange men, she lifted Kristeen Young's head in one hand and...

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 10:04 PM

Francis' mourning mother wondered why Francis had never taken to duckponds and was regularly found sharing baths with strange men, she lifted Kristeen Young's head in one hand and...

looked at her face, covered with her thick dark hair.

"Gbrrrrrrrrrrr"

Kristeen's head was trying to say something.

Kewpie

December 14, 2007, 10:43 PM

looked at her face, covered with her thick dark hair.

"Gbrrrrrrrrrrr"

Kristeen's head was trying to say something.

"Kan u 'elp me to find m'bodii?"

virtually dead

December 16, 2007, 12:36 PM

'ewwwww!', she dropped the head in disgust, 'it's cockney!'

The Cat's Mother

December 16, 2007, 05:22 PM

'ewwwww!', she dropped the head in disgust, 'it's cockney!'

"Oi!" snapped the voice. "Nuffink fackin' wrowng wiv cockneys!"

Francis' mum (who was called Jolene, in case you were wondering) realised that it wasn't the head that had been speaking, but a shadowy figure poking around with a stick in the shallows of the duck pond. The figure lurched up to Jolene. "I'm Gary Day." it scowled. " And I was keepin' a nice, fresh corpse cold in the water 'ere. 'Aven't seen it floating around, 'ave you, ducky?"

Kewpie

December 16, 2007, 06:19 PM

"Oi!" snapped the voice. "Nuffink fackin' wrowng wiv cockneys!"

Francis' mum (who was called Jolene, in case you were wondering) realised that it wasn't the head that had been speaking, but a shadowy figure poking around with a stick in the shallows of the duck pond. The figure lurched up to Jolene. "I'm Gary Day." it scowled. " And I was keepin' a nice, fresh corpse cold in the water 'ere. 'Aven't seen it floating around, 'ave you, ducky?"

"Errr..."

Jolene was struck by strange sensation of seeing a thugish man with tatoos.

virtually dead

December 16, 2007, 09:42 PM

The Cat's Mother

December 16, 2007, 10:13 PM

Gary Day was appalled to have made such an impression,
'Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry!' he said 'these tatoos make such the wrong impression, that most incorrigible Mr Boorer got me hopelessly drunk, and i suppose it seems such a wonderfully rash thing at the time...' he lowered his eyes apologetically...

...and noticed that abovementioned dead body had bobbed up to the surface of the pond. "Oh, what smashing good luck!" enthused Gary. " Jolene, have I introduced you to the late....."

virtually dead

December 16, 2007, 10:16 PM

great....:p

The Cat's Mother

December 16, 2007, 10:18 PM

great....:p

...and slightly waterlogged....

Kewpie

December 16, 2007, 10:18 PM

...and noticed that abovementioned dead body had bobbed up to the surface of the pond. "Oh, what smashing good luck!" enthused Gary. " Jolene, have I introduced you to the late....."

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEk!

As soon as Jolene saw the body, she jumped out from the pond and ran away to the house.

"Uh, m'boddii...now get ma head on there"
Kristeen's head muttered.

virtually dead

December 16, 2007, 10:22 PM

'Oh what a terrible anti-climax' cried Gary Day 'i'm quite un-satisfied...'

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 08:09 PM

Bump!

Meanwhile, at Betty's kitchen...

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 08:13 PM

Bump!

Meanwhile, at Betty's kitchen...
high tea was being served

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 08:14 PM

Bump!

Meanwhile, at Betty's kitchen...

... Betty was wondering why Gary was late with her regular meat delivery. She wasn't sure where he got the stuff, but it tasted a lot like pork and on occaision, had quality marks that looked amusingly like tattoos.

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 08:18 PM

... Betty was wondering why Gary was late with her regular meat delivery. She wasn't sure where he got the stuff, but it tasted a lot like pork and on occaision, had quality marks that looked amusingly like tattoos.
The meat was certainly very tender

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 10:03 PM

The meat was certainly very tender

If slightly damp and randomly garnished with duckweed...

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 10:05 PM

"Where's Gary? We have to cut up and freeze it otherwise it'll go off..."
sighed Betty.

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 10:14 PM

"Where's Gary? We have to cut up and freeze it otherwise it'll go off..."
sighed Betty.

..who was in a parallel universe in which the meat had actually arrived. :rolleyes:

Back in our original universe, Betty wasn't talking about the suspicious cargo of illicit long pig Gary had promised her, but about....

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 10:17 PM

..who was in a parallel universe in which the meat had actually arrived. :rolleyes:

Back in our original universe, Betty wasn't talking about the suspicious cargo of illicit long pig Gary had promised her, but about....

her neighbours newly wed HIM and hattie.

She's concerned about the couple's lack of...

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 10:23 PM

her neighbours newly wed HIM and hattie.

She's concerned about the couple's lack of...

..casserole ingredients. She knocked on the door with a nice cut of slightly tattooed brisket. You couldn't really see what the tattoo had said, but at a guess, the owner had loved his mum. Which was why the meat was tender.

"But is it mature?" asked HIM.

"For which read well hung." giggled hattie.

"OOooooooOOOOHHHH!" said Kenneth Williams, who'd never actually left, but who had been hiding behind the baby Burco, recklessly swigging Betty's fair trade darjeeling.

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 10:31 PM

..casserole ingredients. She knocked on the door with a nice cut of slightly tattooed brisket. You couldn't really see what the tattoo had said, but at a guess, the owner had loved his mum. Which was why the meat was tender.

"But is it mature?" asked HIM.

"For which read well hung." giggled hattie.

"OOooooooOOOOHHHH!" said Kenneth Williams, who'd never actually left, but who had been hiding behind the baby Burco, recklessly swigging Betty's fair trade darjeeling.

"Darling, what kind of recipe would you like to have tonight?"

"Not Gordon Ramsay, m'dear"

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 10:47 PM

"Darling, what kind of recipe would you like to have tonight?"

"Not Gordon Ramsay, m'dear"
Hattie set about preparing the meat, and while HIM wasn't looking, cut up all sorts of things he hated (i.e, food and stuff) really small and snuck them in. HIm was too busy looking at hattie's very high heels he insisted she wore when cooking to notice

(this is fiction, by the way, I never cook in heels!)

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 10:50 PM

Hattie set about preparing the meat, and while HIM wasn't looking, cut up all sorts of things he hated (i.e, food and stuff) really small and snuck them in. HIm was too busy looking at hattie's very high heels he insisted she wore when cooking to notice

(this is fiction, by the way, I never cook in heels!)

*ding-dong*

"Uh, get the door will you, darling?"

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 10:53 PM

*ding-dong*

"Uh, get the door will you, darling?"
'Do it yourself, I've got my handsful of thick, firm meat here!'

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 10:53 PM

*ding-dong*

"Uh, get the door will you, darling?"

As HIM went to answer the door, Gary copped an eyeful of hattie in her pole-dancing heels and grinned. From behind the Burco, where he was quietly slitting Kenneth's throat, the tattoed wonder smiled. "No chance of it being gardon Ramsey, darlin'." he muttered. " The last of him was served up last week as mutton chops in his own restaurant."

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 10:57 PM

As HIM went to answer the door, Gary copped an eyeful of hattie in her pole-dancing heels and grinned. From behind the Burco, where he was quietly slitting Kenneth's throat, the tattoed wonder smiled. "No chance of it being gardon Ramsey, darlin'." he muttered. " The last of him was served up last week as mutton chops in his own restaurant."
hattie stared broodingly at Gary. She suddenly felt quite flustered. She leaned back delicatly against the oven and smiled seductively at Gary

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 11:03 PM

hattie stared broodingly at Gary. She suddenly felt quite flustered. She leaned back delicatly against the oven and smiled seductively at Gary

*bleeep, bleeep*

Suddenly Gary's mobile was start vibrating.

The Cat's Mother

January 3, 2008, 11:03 PM

hattie stared broodingly at Gary. She suddenly felt quite flustered. She leaned back delicatly against the oven and smiled seductively at Gary

Gary leered, like a dirty, be-tatted, dodgy-meat-selling wide-boy and said. "'Ere, can you smell burnin'? I reckon you've gorn and singed your arse, darlin'!"

hatfull

January 3, 2008, 11:09 PM

Gary leered, like a dirty, be-tatted, dodgy-meat-selling wide-boy and said. "'Ere, can you smell burnin'? I reckon you've gorn and singed your arse, darlin'!"
'SHITE!' screamed hattie

Kewpie

January 3, 2008, 11:12 PM

'SHITE!' screamed hattie

HIM was panicking to see burning bottom of his wife, and decided to use his slippers to extinguish the fire.

The Cat's Mother

January 16, 2008, 07:50 PM

HIM was panicking to see burning bottom of his wife, and decided to use his slippers to extinguish the fire.

The whiff of singed dunlop rubber heel added to the meaty miasma swirling around the kitchen. It was time for......

Kewpie

January 16, 2008, 08:54 PM

The whiff of singed dunlop rubber heel added to the meaty miasma swirling around the kitchen. It was time for......

feed the cat.

The Cat's Mother

January 20, 2008, 07:54 PM

feed the cat.

But everyone forgot the cat because..... Solo had gone down!!!:eek:

hatfull

January 20, 2008, 08:10 PM

But everyone forgot the cat because..... Solo had gone down!!!:eek:
"what are we going to do?" screamed hattie running around with her singed pants on show "It's ok" said Gary "I reckon I can fix the server" he tok out his large screwdriver and gave it a loving stroke...

Kewpie

April 7, 2008, 09:04 PM

"what are we going to do?" screamed hattie running around with her singed pants on show "It's ok" said Gary "I reckon I can fix the server" he tok out his large screwdriver and gave it a loving stroke...

"Awww..."

The Cat's Mother

April 7, 2008, 09:07 PM

"what are we going to do?" screamed hattie running around with her singed pants on show "It's ok" said Gary "I reckon I can fix the server" he took out his large screwdriver and gave it a loving stroke...

"Never let be said that I'm all torque, darlin'...."

"Awww..."

silly sausage!:p

Kewpie

April 7, 2008, 09:12 PM

In the meantime, at the backstage of Hollywood night club, Russell Brand is panicking and looking for some drinks to calm him down.

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 03:05 PM

In the meantime, at the backstage of Hollywood night club, Russell Brand is panicking and looking for some drinks to calm him down.

... because someone from this forum had sent him an ill-advised private message and he was dithering about whether to start a new thready-weddy about it. "What would you do?" he asked headless Kristeen Young.

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 03:10 PM

... because someone from this forum had sent him an ill-advised private message and he was dithering about whether to start a new thready-weddy about it. "What would you do?" he asked headless Kristeen Young.

"Huh?" muttered Kristeen.

"You have to find my head first, mister"

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 03:22 PM

"Huh?" muttered Kristeen.

"You have to find my head first, mister"

But she wasn't infamous any more, so she was kicked out into an parallel universe and had to hitch a lift home in Brett "I-was-never-as-famous-as- Jobriath" Smiley's spangly tights, because Brett couldn't afford his own spaceship.

Back in our universe (or one of them), Mike Joyce had also got a PM from NRitH. It made him....

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 03:25 PM

But she wasn't infamous any more, so she was kicked out into an parallel universe and had to hitch a lift home in Brett "I-was-never-as-famous-as- Jobriath" Smiley's spangly tights, because Brett couldn't afford his own spaceship.

Back in our universe (or one of them), Mike Joyce had also got a PM from NRitH. It made him....

Freaked out because NRitH managed to hack his computer and stole all his savings from his bank account and sent some of them to Morrissey's account.
NRitH is waiting for a phone call from Morrissey.

Busy Clippers

April 21, 2008, 03:28 PM

But she wasn't infamous any more, so she was kicked out into an parallel universe and had to hitch a lift home in Brett "I-was-never-as-famous-as- Jobriath" Smiley's spangly tights, because Brett couldn't afford his own spaceship.

Back in our universe (or one of them), Mike Joyce had also got a PM from NRitH. It made him....

I came too late, but I was going to say:

contact his solicitor. It was he, Joyce, who had originally used an image of a license plate to demonstrate how Morrissey and Marr had cheated him out of his share of riches. He was miffed not to have been credited.

He rubbed his hands together. This might be good for a few quid.

(hi ladies)

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 03:29 PM

Freaked out because NRitH managed to hack his computer and stole all his savings from his bank account and sent some of them to Morrissey's account.
NRitH is waiting for a phone call from Morrissey.

There will now follow a short intermission while Morrissey instructs his phone-slave to check his incoming calls.

Advert One: Cadbury's Flake. In which that bonny little Cobrin fella unwraps said item of confection with his teeth while composing a film score.

Advert Two....

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 03:40 PM

There will now follow a short intermission while Morrissey instructs his phone-slave to check his incoming calls.

Advert One: Cadbury's Flake. In which that bonny little Cobrin fella unwraps said item of confection with his teeth while composing a film score.

Advert Two....

Pizza Hut. Boz happily volunteeers to taste new Miami scramble special with John Prescott.

I came too late, but I was going to say:

contact his solicitor. It was he, Joyce, who had originally used an image of a license plate to demonstrate how Morrissey and Marr had cheated him out of his share of riches. He was miffed not to have been credited.

He rubbed his hands together. This might be good for a few quid.

(hi ladies)

Suddenly Joyce Michael was blinded by huge bright light.

Alien Jobriath and headless Kristeen's space ship swarved Joyce Michael's solicitor's office and demand get Cobrin fella and a year supply of Cadbury's flake.

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 03:40 PM

I came too late, but I was going to say:

contact his solicitor. It was he, Joyce, who had originally used an image of a license plate to demonstrate how Morrissey and Marr had cheated him out of his share of riches. He was miffed not to have been credited.

He rubbed his hands together. This might be good for a few quid.

(hi ladies)

You're never too late to say "miffed" in this thread. And hi, but Shhhh! You're missing the adverts....

Advert Two, in which Morrissey sees what Joycie is up to and calls "Claims Direct". Just to be on the safe side, Morrissey runs up Mike's driveway and deliberately slips on a mossy cobble to ensure they'll take his case.

Advert Three...

Busy Clippers

April 21, 2008, 03:51 PM

You're never too late to say "miffed" in this thread. And hi, but Shhhh! You're missing the adverts....

Advert Two, in which Morrissey sees what Joycie is up to and calls "Claims Direct". Just to be on the safe side, Morrissey runs up Mike's driveway and deliberately slips on a mossy cobble to ensure they'll take his case.

Advert Three...

A computer generated Morrissey is edited into a 1980's Mentos advert. He faces the camera, stating, "Mentos! Now they're vegetarian!" before kicking a computer generated Bob Smith.

oh crap!

Now back to our story...

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 03:53 PM

Pizza Hut. Boz happily volunteeers to taste new Miami scramble special with John Prescott.

Figure 1: Kewpie is evil

Suddenly Joyce Michael was blinded by huge bright light.

Alien Jobriath and headless Kristeen's space ship swarved Joyce Michael's solicitor's office and demand get Cobrin fella and a year supply of Cadbury's flake.

Figure 2: Kewpie knows my mind too well :D

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 04:03 PM

Now back to our story...

Oh, thank God!

Morrissey's phone slave crawled up to Morrissey's chaise longe and passed him the receiver.

"It's Not Right in the Head, Mozter." cringed the slave.

"It's a phone, you dolt! It doesn't have a head in which to be not right.... oh, I see what you mean." Morrissey clicked his fingers. "Boz! Solomon!" he decreed. "Take this grimy churl outside and strangle him, so he cannot bear witness to my moment of human frailty."

And so Jesse was hauled out and strangled, only now realising why TCM had forgotten that he'd been drowned on the first page or so of the thread.

Busy Clippers

April 21, 2008, 04:10 PM

(in shock)

Jesse is the Kenny (http://www.caughtinthecrossfire.com/media/images/music/news/kenny.gif) of the band!

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 04:16 PM

(in shock)

Jesse is the Kenny (http://www.caughtinthecrossfire.com/media/images/music/news/kenny.gif) of the band!

'Cept that no one will call you a bastard for doin' 'im in! :D

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 04:29 PM

'Cept that no one will call you a bastard for doin' 'im in! :D

On other side of the line, NRitH was whispering to...

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 04:36 PM

On other side of the line, NRitH was whispering to...

Morrissey's lap. Morrissey had dropped the receiver there as he craned his neck to watch through the back window as Jesse was dispatched (again).

"Ooooh, NRitH!" crooned the lap. I luuuurve it when you whisper like that. You make my..... hair stand on end."

:eek:

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 04:44 PM

Morrissey's lap. Morrissey had dropped the receiver there as he craned his neck to watch through the back window as Jesse was dispatched (again).

"Ooooh, NRitH!" crooned the lap. I luuuurve it when you whisper like that. You make my..... hair stand on end."

:eek:

Suddenly NRitH's hair, including eyebrows and eyelushes started falling.
His body is covered with poring sweat which makes him as if he's standing in his urinal.

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 04:53 PM

Suddenly NRitH's hair, including eyebrows and eyelushes started falling.
His body is covered with poring sweat which makes him as if he's standing in his urinal.

ew! :eek:

"Er.... I think I've changed me mind, thanks, mate." said Morrissey's lap and jettisoned the receiver onto the floor, so that part-strangled Jesse had to take a break from being bumped off in the back garden in order to put the phone back on the hook.

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 07:49 PM

And then, in walked the Pope. So there!

Kewpie

April 21, 2008, 07:57 PM

And then, in walked the Pope. So there!

Morrissey suddenly remembered that he forgot to put the brake on his Jaguar.

"Oi, go and park my car in a secure place!"
He threw the keys to Solomon, but Morrissey didn't miss the glare in his eyes.

The Cat's Mother

April 21, 2008, 08:01 PM

Morrissey suddenly remembered that he forgot to put the brake on his Jaguar.

"Oi, go and park my car in a secure place!"
He threw the keys to Solomon, but Morrissey didn't miss the glare in his eyes.

Fortunately, the Pope still had his Hitler Youth valeting badge and sprinted to the jag as it rolled sedately downhill, running over Jesse as it went.