The Mwahahaha Thread

[chica]

During his Presidency, John F Kennedy was visiting the Alamo and the local newspaper editor was explaining the violent history of the Alamo. While there, a large crowd gathered outside to catch a glimpse of the president. John F Kennedy asked the Editor if there was a back door that he could escape through so not to have to cause a scene. At which the editor replied, “No offence Mr. President, but if there was a back door there never would have been an Alamo.”

[Codreanu]

A "liberated woman" is one who rises up and says to her menfolk, 'I will not be dictated to,' and then sits-down to become a stenographer. ~GK Chesterton

[chica]

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

[chica]

ANSWERING MACHINE IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship..

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. "

[andy_fozzy]

http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/6595/laugh3zs6.gif

[bikubesong]

Hihi:D Niiice

[wolve]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents
on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton
are listed below.

Things Mr. Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible " theme.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[marilyn manson]

www.valentinesday.com

click on jackie o

www.celebritarian.net

[chica]

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

[Kickstand]

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

:D :D :D

[chica]

British Double Entendres



Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[Bad Bunny]

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



:D :D :D

[chica]

Bad Bunny, I like your username immensely, as you will notice if you hang around here long enough.

Therefore, I give you this:

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g31/zvon-chica/HAPPY%20BUNNIES/bunny4.jpg

[the more you explore me!]

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait"

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." -- Jay Mohr

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." -- Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." -- Garry Shandling

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" -- Garry Shandling

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal

Just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -- Larry Miller


In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -- Joan Rivers

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -- Gary Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- the late, great Lewis Grizzard

[Codreanu]

How Hot Is It In Hell - A True Story

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so . . .

Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Anonymous

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents
on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton
are listed below.

Things Mr. Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible " theme.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
=
the best husband ever

[Codreanu]

I had seen clips from this title on Letterman over a decade ago.
Yes, the following is excerpted from A REAL VIDEO! :eek:

It's Potty Time!
wHU0LXYJdO8

It's Potty Time (1990) DVD {amazon.com} (http://www.amazon.com/Its-Potty-Time/dp/B00018D4J0)

[Dave]

alrightythen...

[WinkWink]

I had seen clips from this title on Letterman over a decade ago.
Yes, the following is excerpted from A REAL VIDEO! :eek:

It's Potty Time!
wHU0LXYJdO8

It's Potty Time (1990) DVD {amazon.com} (http://www.amazon.com/Its-Potty-Time/dp/B00018D4J0)

wait a second...so you are supposed to go front to back!!:eek:

That makes sense!! if only they released this video 10 years earlier, all my troubles would be nonexistent. Yes, my troubles stem from the toilet.

;) ;)

[chica]

http://ayup.co.uk/00/03pic/Policewoman.jpg

[Codreanu]

http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/1619/slingblade75rn0.jpg
~Slingblade (prank call)~ (http://www.fockerworld.com/fw-sb-audio-37_slingblade1.htm)

[chica]

OaJXE4wojTk

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

OaJXE4wojTk
that was funny
chica
oh chica
you have a delightful sense of humor

[lover]

i go to bed, in the morning i shall be banned


my next user name shall be...


"hounded"


hehehe thats rock n roll

[slum mum 1974]

*_How do these people survive? _***

***_ONE_***

*Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. **
**
**_TWO_***

*I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code
she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened. *

**_THREE_***

*A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

**_FOUR_***

*I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk." *

**_FIVE_***

*Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies. **
**
**_SIX_***

*I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. **
**
**_SEVEN_***

* **My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" **
**
**_EIGHT_***

*Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed. **

**
**_NINE_***

*A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency****


***Life is tough. ***

***It's tougher if you're stupid!"***

[vAndreav]

*_How do these people survive? _***

***_ONE_***

*Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. **
**
**_TWO_***

*I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code
she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened. *

**_THREE_***

*A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

**_FOUR_***

*I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk." *

**_FIVE_***

*Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies. **
**
**_SIX_***

*I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. **
**
**_SEVEN_***

* **My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" **
**
**_EIGHT_***

*Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed. **

**
**_NINE_***

*A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency****


***Life is tough. ***

***It's tougher if you're stupid!"***

wow *shakes head*

[slum mum 1974]

wow *shakes head*

Tell me about it...i was.... :eek: .....

[the more you explore me!]

*_How do these people survive? _***


*Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. **


*A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


*A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency****



that's why he works in Mccrappies:p

if only it that easy to shop on the internet.

was they in a 'peanut & jelly' sandwich :p

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

Charles Darwin walks into a bar and says:
Girl, you so fine, you make me want to do a Cambrian explosion between your strata.

[vivaissy]

oh. i actually expected to find 40 posts going "Mwahahaha"
how disappointing
i really fancy clearing my lungs with a bit of mwahahahahahahaha *cough cough*

[the more you explore me!]

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

"Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/funny/smartchart.jpg
now, back on task;
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/funny/sunscreen.jpg

[Codreanu]

Harry Enfield - The Conjugal Rights Guide
5Ivsb79-h90

[the more you explore me!]

THE 6 BEST *SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *SMART ASS ANSWER *#6 * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *It was *mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline * * * * *
*"Would you like dinner?" *The flight attendant asked John, seated in front * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * "What are my choices?" John asked. * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *"Yes or no," she replied. * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * SMART ASS ANSWER #5 * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* *A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check Tickets. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* *As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he * *
*opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she *
* * * * said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * SMART ASS ANSWER #4 * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
* * * * * *she couldn't find one big enough for her family. * * * * * *
* * * She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" * * * *
* * * * * *The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * SMART ASS ANSWER #3 * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*the cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding Rolled down his window. * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. * * * * *
* * *The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." * * *
* When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *without a ticket. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * *SMART ASS ANSWER #2 * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that *
Reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
* * * * * * * Of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. * * * * * * *
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. *The cop *
*Gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on *
His hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was *
* * * * * * *Delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

* * * * * * * * * * SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 * * * * * * * * *
* A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now *
* Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. *
* *I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, * *
Illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other *
*Excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised *
* *His hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was * *
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
*is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the *
*Teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly *
* Says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other Hand.



GCSE answers: british educations system????????



-Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

*

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

*

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

*

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

*

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

*

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

*

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

*

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

*

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

*

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

*

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

*

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

*

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O, U, and I.

*

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

*

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

*

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

*

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

*

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

*

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

*

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

*

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

*

*

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

*

*

Technology
Q:*What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

[chica]

Jesus and Mo

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-01-17.jpg

I love them! :D

[!Viva Hate!]

Jesus and Mo

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-01-17.jpg

I love them! :D
I thought you meant Moe Howard...I was expecting him to be eye-poking Jesus.
http://hometown.aol.com/morganakamoe83/images/moe%20howard---7.jpg

[chica]

I love the episode when Moses comes to visit

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-10-23.jpg

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-10-25.jpg

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-10-30.jpg

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-11-01.jpg

[Codreanu]

How NOT to rob a liquor store
(actual burglary)
8N4C0DLAF64

very, very, sad.

[chica]

Are we going to need the official StumbleUpon thread?

http://static.scribd.com/docs/736egzypod07v_files/image003.gif

http://static.scribd.com/docs/736egzypod07v_files/image010.jpg

http://www.scribd.com/doc/5107/They-didnt-study

http://www.allowe.com/images/ComputerMsgs/ErrorMsg13.jpg :p

http://www.allowe.com/Humor/computerenhancers.htm

[Busy Clippers]

Are we going to need the official StumbleUpon thread?

yes please. :o

[chica]

yes please. :o
Coming next! :D

Meanwhile, a few examples of sick notes (http://www.dysan.net/Weird/show.php?num=683):


Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

And... :D

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=macs_cant


http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/eula.gif

If I want to manufacture biological weapons with my copy of iTunes, I will, fascists.

[chica]

http://users.esc.net.au/~mapie/brains.jpg

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

http://files.myopera.com/radostsguy/files/math_equation.jpeg

[the more you explore me!]

A Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to
talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares
his.
She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "



"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Cemetry Gates]

Hey,

Am I misunderstanding this thread?

What's it about?

To give kudos/compliments/hugs/kisses to people you like here on the forum/in the chat room?

Ha....guess I don't get a mwahahahah but, that's understandably so. :)

See ya.

[the more you explore me!]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 to $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them….

[chica]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g31/zvon-chica/LAYOUTSPLACE/myspace-graphic-funny009.jpg

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g31/zvon-chica/LAYOUTSPLACE/myspace-picture-codes-21.jpg

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

http://www.rotten.com/library/crime/drugs/methamphetamine/methman3.jpg
http://www.vinehellstore.com/catalog/images/SnuggleWSsplit.jpg
and
http://www.souptree.net/blog/images/rabbit_pancake.gif
why? :o

[vAndreav]

aww! i love bunnies.
hehe i have pics like that of my bunnies:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/isthatpiegreen/mmmparsley.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/isthatpiegreen/peterbreaddd.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/isthatpiegreen/jackbanana2.jpg
the 'sushi bar':
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/isthatpiegreen/sushi3.jpg

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

so putting things on bunnies head is more common than i thought
&
how do you feel about the recent revelation about Saint Peter being a bunny?
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/sexy/truth/cartoons/vlcsnap-7028122.jpg

[vAndreav]

so putting things on bunnies head is more common than i thought
&
how do you feel about the recent revelation about Saint Peter being a bunny?
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/sexy/truth/cartoons/vlcsnap-7028122.jpg

WONDERFUL!!

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

I'm so goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black.

I'm so goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.

goth #1: I'm so goth the people in the grocery store have refused to sell me any cereal other than Count Chocula.
goth #2: I'm so goth people ask me to AUTOGRAPH boxes of Count Chocula.

I'm so goth I wear sunglasses when I open the refrigerator.

I'm so goth I don't paint my nails black--I bash them with a hammer.

I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.

I'm so goth, whenever I knock on somebody's door they give me candy.

I'm so goth, when I stop pouting, people ask, "What are YOU so happy about?"

I'm so goth, when I go outside, the sun sets.

goth #1: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.
goth #2: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.
goth #3: What's a smile?

I'm so goth, when I was born, the doctor asked me, "What's with the shades?"

I'm so goth I don't use fabric softener, because I like pain.

I'm so goth I smoke cloves in the shower.

goth #1: I'm so goth a little rain cloud follows me wherever I go and rains on me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I AM the rain cloud.

goth #1: I'm so goth I got a tattoo of celtic knotwork starting at the top of my head, winding all the way down my body, and trailing five feet behind me on the floor.
goth #2: I'm so goth I AM a tattoo.
goth #3: I'm so goth I pierced all my tattoos.

I'm so goth it takes me an hour and a half to get dressed.

I'm so goth it takes me longer to get UNdressed.

I'm so goth I'm dead.

I'm so goth I think electrical tape is a fashion accessory.

I'm so goth I wonder if my dog's collar would look better on me.

I'm so goth, when I was born, I asked for a light for my clove.

I'm so goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like to live dangerous.

I'm so goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.

I'm so goth parents leg their kids when they see them mesmerized by my appearance.

I'm so goth I've been banned.

I'm so goth I don't take my medications, so I can be more goth.

I'm so goth, when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.

I'm so goth I make flowers wilt.
I'm so goth I like them better that way.

I'm so goth I punched a care bear.

I'm so goth I think saying "oh my goth" is cute.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.

I'm so goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.

I'm so goth I keep getting hit on by necrophiliacs!

I'm so goth I rooted for Gargamel.

I'm so goth I practice my blank stare in the mirror.

I'm so goth that when I moved into Mr. Roger's neighborhood, he moved away!

I'm so goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

I'm so goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and fugue in D minor."

I'm so goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles . . . and oh, there's a full moon . . . and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again . . . tragically.

I'm so goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness."

I'm so goth I tried to use Cheer . . . it cried.

goth #1: I'm so goth, when I'm sleeping people come and check my pulse.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a pulse.

I'm so goth I know what pvc stands for.

I'm so goth the people at the suicide hotline have asked me to stop calling.

I'm so goth I'm catholic.

I'm so goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them.

I'm so goth tan lines are a sin.

I'm so goth people keep asking me if I feel okay.

I'm so goth the dark is scared of ME.

I'm so goth I know how to spell Siouxsie & The Banshees correctly.

I'm so goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).

I'm so goth I became a fisherman, just so I could use fishnets.

I'm so goth I want to die die die my hair black.

I'm so goth I'm on the second stage of aloof . . . I'm "bloof."

I'm so goth I sleep UNDER my bed.

I'm so goth, Robert Smith asked ME for my autograph.

I'm so goth I got a 12-pack of absinthe.

I'm so goth I don't eat gummy bears, I eat "glummy bears."

I'm so goth I dot my i's with frowny faces.

I'm so goth I call a smile a "concave frown."

I'm so goth that when I was a toddler, I didn't cry over spilled milk, I MOURNED it.

I'm so goth my skin would catch on fire if it were ever exposed to sunlight.

I'm so goth I make Happy Meals cry.

I'm so goth I spend hours deciding what shade of black to wear.

I'm so goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.

My grandmother is so goth she uses gothballs.

I'm so goth I shower with bleach instead of soap.

I'm so goth I have a fishnet umbrella.

I'm so goth that bats hang little plastic me's from their ceiling.

I'm so goth that if I go out in the sunlight with bare skin showing, people have to put on shades because of the reflection off my pale skin.

I'm so goth I have to wear sunglasses and sunscreen to look on the bright side.

I'm so goth that lightning strikes whenever I count things. MUH-HA-HA-HA!

I'm so goth that in kindergarten I sang "woe, woe, woe your boat..."

I'm so goth I have crushed velvet lawn chairs.

I'm so goth I'm a flying buttress.

I'm so goth that colors fade away when I am nearby.

I'm so goth I only eat things that are burnt, because they're black.

I'm so goth, when I was little, I thought funeral processions were parades.

I'm so goth I make rainbows frown.

I'm so goth my clothes are made of dark matter.

I'm so goth I tried to be a hippie once and hugged a tree--and it died.

I'm so goth, when our teacher told us to write the declaration of independence, I wrote the declaration of sindependence.

I'm so goth I sleep with my hands crossed on my chest.

I'm so goth, crucifixes shudder when I walk by.

I'm so goth I don't laugh...I cackle.

I'm so goth, I don't buy black clothes; I put them on and they TURN black.

I'm so goth I eat Unlucky Charms.

I'm so goth that a new shade of white had to be created to describe my skin color.

I'm so goth I make people cry when they look at me.

I'm so goth one of my pick-up lines is: "I'd love to see what your insides look like."

goth #1: I'm so goth I only drink black coffee.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't drink coffee, I drink goffee.

I'm so goth my dog barks, "Bauhaus Bauhaus."

I'm so goth my wrists slit themselves.

I'm so goth when I go to sleep I wake up with a toe tag.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me, "What are you plotting?"

I'm so goth I scare myself.

goth #1: I'm so goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a name. I'm just "goth."

I'm so goth I always use the word "goth" instead of "got."

I'm so goth all I do is sit around and talk about how goth I am.

ps: i aint that goth really
but i know people who are...

[vicarinatutugal]

^^^

that was a long one. http://www.smileyhut.com/tongues/tongue4.gif

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

^^^

that was a long one. http://www.smileyhut.com/tongues/tongue4.gif
chica found it, she feared posting it maybe :cool:

[Busy Clippers]

I'm so goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.

I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.

I'm so goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

I'm so goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and fugue in D minor."

I'm so goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them.

I'm so goth people keep asking me if I feel okay.

I'm so goth I spend hours deciding what shade of black to wear.

I'm so goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me, "What are you plotting?"

:eek: why does the internet know so much about me???!!!!!!!!! :eek:

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

:eek: why does the internet know so much about me???!!!!!!!!! :eek:
wow, lucky 4 cod :rolleyes:

[Codreanu]

I don't happen to agree with drug legalization, but great illustrative use of an insult. :D

Ron Paul vs. Morton Downey Jr.'s audience 1988
88REf0tjZHo

[Cassius]

Napoleon Dynamite, like, gets all deep and stuff.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Dz06v09J4

[DAnn Coulter]

^^^

LOL......... My support for Ron Paul is at 100% right now so this only helps to solidify it.

http://blogs.chron.com/whitehouse/archives/RonPaul_flag.jpg