Alain Whyte has stunned the Moz internet community after making inappropriate remarks at a gig.
As he opened the show for his steel band Red Lightning, Whyte announced he was dedicating the first song ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ to users of Morrissey Solo.
Eyewitness reports say that the guitarist was not booed or stoned off stage because half of the crowd was fuming in a shocked silence. The other half of the crowd was trying to understand what had just been said.
A few days later, the Morrissey-Solo forum was buzzing with activity as users posted their criticism. Most of the comments were along the lines of “Bastard,” “Thoughtless turd,” and “I don’t believe it… surely this is made up?”
One user tried to sum up everyone else’s reaction with a well-thought out and eloquent defence of Whyte.
“Surely Alain is entitled to his own opinions?” said the peacemaking poster.
“If it’s true then yes, his words were cruel and thoughtless, but such is the occasional pitfall with free speech. I suggest that everyone calms down and thinks of Voltaire: ‘I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.’
“I think ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ contains lyrics which are very relevant to everyone here. ‘I would not be just a nuffin’/ My head all full of stuffin’/ My heart all full of pain.’ We’ve all felt that, that’s why we turn to Morrissey.
“And maybe Alain had a point. I don’t mean to sound rude, but some posters on here can be a little bit mean.”
This user sadly met an unfortunate end a few days later. They were found having been repeatedly set alight, their house razed, their pets lawnmowered and their allotment raped. They had indeed defended to the death.
A message was subsequently posted the next day reading ‘f*** Voltaire’, in the style of pleasantries usually followed by tolerant posters. As a result, this message sent their karma rating skyrocketing and they were instantly reborn as a cactus.
Alain Whyte himself has refused to comments on his comments, saying: “I refuse to comment.”
The band are set to release their first album soon. Morrissey fans are expected to send it soaring to number one on the Billboard because they might be insulted, but first and foremost they are collectors.
" Red Lightning is named after a brand of super-strong cider beloved of hobos. The band members are Alain Whyte on guitar and trombone, John Dimambro on Hammond organ and harmonica, and Milo Todesco on beatbox.
The original ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ was written in anticipation of George W, Bush’s presidency; for further details, see the Internet.
Morrissey-Solo is a long running and highly informative website which provides fans with news and views on the world of Morrissey. Only a very small number of people have been killed for venting an alternative opinion on the forums; others choose to fake their own death after dropping their idiot selves right into it by talking rubbish. "
*sniggers*