Where are you.....

[Sadly Unwise...]

'Treat me like a fool treat me mean and cruel... but love me..."

[Sadly Unwise 2]

> 'Treat me like a fool treat me mean and cruel... but love¿ me..."

I do love you =)

[Paula]

> 'Treat me like a fool treat me mean and cruel... but love¿ me..."

"If you ever go, darlin I'll be oh so lonely. Begging on my knees, all I ask is please, please love me..."

[Mr. So&So]

Oh my dearest, I write to you in virtual tears.

They try so hard to keep us from one another. They should know that gilded steel could never sever the love that we share between us. For, I have realized through these many hours spent alone, that placing my self next to you was the only thing that made these wasted hours alive, truly worthwhile.

Within this small, square, dank space, I do not abuse such introsepction, by dwelling on myself. I instead employ these long, dreary nights to thinking of you, and how splendid it will be when I am finally released, and we can acquire that trailer home we always talked about.

Who else in this dirge like world does share such similar qualities as we do? I know deep within my sore heart that no other woman alive enjoys shooting beer cans off the top of a picnic table. I became aware the moment we met at my father's used tractor lot that I had just encountered someone completely unique and special unto me.

I must tell you, every night I am haunted by the whispers of a taunting grave that relentlessly demands my company. And many times I have been inclined to accept it's gracious invitation. But the thought of someday reuniting our love, keeps me moving forward until that fateful moment.

All I ask my sweet is for you to promise to never believe the things they say about me.

They will tell you I am evil, and that I am surely guilty of committing those haneous crimes. But I acan assure you my precious dove that I could have never killed that innocent hot dog vendor like they claimed.

Now I admit I strangled that Rodeo Clown, but I am surely incapable of sticking a grocery bag over that poor weenie salesman's head, and smothering him so viciously.

I don't even own a grocery bag!

Anyway, I just hope you can find it within yourself to sustain the love that you now hold for me, and wait patiently until that day when I am released.

I love you with every inch of my heart, and a six-pack of "Coors."

Forever,
Orvil Conmocker

P.S. I have included a picture of myself for those lonesome nights you might encounter.




http://members.aol.com/stallen/clift26.jpg

[The Silver Bullet]

¿ I love you with every inch of my heart, and a six-pack of¿ "Coors."

And let me say that I love YOU for that last statement. Aaah, yes. I can hear the can tops popping as I speak. *sigh* Coors Light. Tastes great.....less filling. :) Enough of the silly monikers...everyone knew it was me anyhow. TSB is back. And drunker than ever. (just kidding, I am drinking tea right now.)

Love,

TSB.

[Paula]

> Oh my dearest, I write to you in virtual tears.¿ They try so hard to keep us from one another. They should know¿ that gilded steel could never sever the love that we share¿ between us. For, I have realized through these many hours spent¿ alone, that placing my self next to you was the only thing that¿ made these wasted hours alive, truly worthwhile.¿ Within this small, square, dank space, I do not abuse such¿ introsepction, by dwelling on myself. I instead employ these¿ long, dreary nights to thinking of you, and how splendid it will¿ be when I am finally released, and we can acquire that trailer¿ home we always talked about.¿ Who else in this dirge like world does share such similar¿ qualities as we do? I know deep within my sore heart that no¿ other woman alive enjoys shooting beer cans off the top of a¿ picnic table. I became aware the moment we met at my father's¿ used tractor lot that I had just encountered someone completely¿ unique and special unto me.¿ I must tell you, every night I am haunted by the whispers of a¿ taunting grave that relentlessly demands my company. And many¿ times I have been inclined to accept it's gracious invitation.¿ But the thought of someday reuniting our love, keeps me moving¿ forward until that fateful moment.¿ All I ask my sweet is for you to promise to never believe the¿ things they say about me.¿ They will tell you I am evil, and that I am surely guilty of¿ committing those haneous crimes. But I acan assure you my¿ precious dove that I could have never killed that innocent hot¿ dog vendor like they claimed.¿ Now I admit I strangled that Rodeo Clown, but I am surely¿ incapable of sticking a grocery bag over that poor weenie¿ salesman's head, and smothering him so viciously.¿ I don't even own a grocery bag!¿ Anyway, I just hope you can find it within yourself to sustain¿ the love that you now hold for me, and wait patiently until that¿ day when I am released.¿ I love you with every inch of my heart, and a six-pack of¿ "Coors."¿ Forever,¿ Orvil Conmocker¿ P.S. I have included a picture of myself for those lonesome¿ nights you might encounter.

Orvil, my dearest, my sweetest.

My heart was overjoyed to find you had written me! Although you are far away in a cell off the seas of Nova Scotia, your words make me feel as though you are only a heartbeat away.

My darling, any unkind words others may say of you I can assure you only fall on deaf ears. Orvy, those fools only wish they were half the man that you are! Our love is something they will never understand. They don't possess the depth of mind nor the fire of spirit.

My life has quickly become an barren wasteland without your loving voice, enchanting smile, and rib bruising bear hugs. And little Willie misses his Daddy something awful! Today he said to me in his wee little Willie voice "Mummy is Daddy in jail again"? It breaks my heart to see him so sad. He misses so desperately your nightly snuggle during American Gladiators and the way you pretend you don't see him stealing sips of your Coors.

Orvy, forgive me, but I can not stifle myself from mentioning the dreadful thoughts I've been harbouring. I fear they will destroy me if I allow them to. I lie here night after night and curse this wretched system that has taken my beloved from me. I've been plotting and planning and now it's only a matter of time before my thoughts are put into action.

Nightime, Orvy, has been the hardest on me. That which was once was so powerful and magical to me, is now only a suffocating place to bask in my loneliness.

On a brighter note, I have been filling my days with activities to await your arrival home. It will be soon, my love, I promise you. And I will be here waiting.

Yours forever in love and devotion,
P

[Paula]

> And let me say that I love YOU for that last statement. Aaah,¿ yes. I can hear the can tops popping as I speak. *sigh* Coors¿ Light. Tastes great.....less filling. :) Enough of the silly¿ monikers...everyone knew it was me anyhow. TSB is back. And¿ drunker than ever. (just kidding, I am drinking tea right now.)¿ Love,¿ TSB.

Hey TSB!!
HeeHee. I knew you would reveal yourself sooner or later =)
Talk to you soon honey!

[Mr. So&So]

My Dear Paula,

I cannot express to you the joy that I felt upon returning to my bunk, and finding your precious letter lying quaintly atop my pillow.

I have suffered madly in the months since your last reply, and felt that I had truly lost you due to the indecipherable ramblings of my previous letter. I had no intention of pushing you away with the request that you quarter a piece of your flesh and mail it to me. I was high on fabric softener at that moment, and not completely fit for writing as it seemed.

I am aware that your life is very hectic as of now, due to juggling the likes of canatankerous little Willie; while still managing the pornographic movie theatre that we spent so many of our hours arguing in.

It makes me unbelivably sad to hear that business is struggling due to the lack of interest from the Christian community. I'm sure that in the future they will find it within themselves to respect the art you so tirelessly promote.

But in all honesty my love, the true reason I am writing to you is to express my mounting desire to escape from this seething institution that is slowly robbing me of my dignity.

You see darling, my fellow inmates have discovered my soft sensibilities, and no longer fear or respect me. I have been reduced to nothing more than a disposable commodity that is heartlessly abused and constantly mocked.

Why, just the other day I was forced to do a raunchy re-enactment of certain saturday morning cartoons for the sole viewing pleasure of the Warden and his countless crew.

I honestly believed that I was going to make it all the way through without crying, until , with tears streaming down my cheeks, was then required to drop to my knees and tie the Wardens shoelaces with my tongue. When it became obvious that I did not possess this talent, I was swiftly forced to recite the Greek alphabet, dressed in nothing more than a pair of "speedos" and a silk purple scarf; while at the same time simulating the movements of an erotic dancer.

Also, I am currently "owned" by my cell mate "Milton Guffner," a hardened criminal given two consecutive life sentences for stabbing to death an old lady with a tooth-brush.

He has me perform such degrading tasks as organizing his pennie collection by consecutive date, while demanding that I wear only a bonnet and laced panties as my "working" attire.

Oh yeah, and I have to refer to him as "Gum Drop" every time I pose a question or reply.

Oh Paula my sweet, I honestly sense my pride fading with each and every demand set upon me inside these torturous walls.

I am not fit for such an existence. I am an intelligent creature, who requires a daily diet of romance in order to survive. I am in no way a toy to be passed around and selfishly tinkered with.

Now don't get me wrong, I mean, there are some truly handsome men in here, but they don't respect me for who I am; or treat me with any degree of respect.

Oh Paula, what the hell am I saying!

Can't you see how this place is affecting my mind?

Oh God my love! Help me find a way out of here!

I no longer want ot dance for them!

I no longer want to be hovered over in the showers while they look on with such lustful ambition!

I need every bit of your support my "Sugar Puff."

Anyway my love, Milton is hollering at me to hurry up and cook supper for him, so I must leave you. He doesn't know that I am writing to you, for if he did, I'm sure the punishment would involve some form of sexy dancing.

So farewell to you, my only hope,
Orvil Conmocker

P.S. Not all is so bleak inside here Paula. I have managed to make one close friend, who is so graciously teaching me how to read and play the guitar. He also kindly types these letters for me so I thought you might like a picture of him.


http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palms/9882/tsc11.jpg

[Mr. So&So]

You are not the real Silver Bullet, for if you were you would know that she hates beer and despises Paula. And she never use the word "Enough."

What exactly are the virtues of a Silver Bullet?

I suppose the answer is obvious, but still... I wonder.

Sincerely,
Mr. Someone & Something

[Paula]

My dearest Orvil,
I received your letter and it left me in great despair. What are those vile creatures doing to my little Orvy!!

I can assure you, my darling, that help is coming soon. I have put the wheels in motion, you will be so proud of your little sugar puff! It all began when I spoke to my dear Uncle Chester and he assured me that he will not let us fight this battle alone.

Orvil, my love, please brace yourself - in the effort to raise money for your defense I had to sell off our beloved business. Please don't let this news break you, all is not as bad as it seems. I can assure you had there been another avenue I surely would have taken it. The good news is I have engaged a new job which I will be starting tomorrow!!

Orvy, I broke a wonderful deal with Uncle C. See, instead of running the business I will now be working within it!! Dear Uncle Chester will hold the business for us until I make back the money to rebuy it from him!!! God Bless him, what a dear sweet man he is! Why, in fact, all last night Uncle Chessy was here writing the first screenplay for me!!! Its title hasn't yet been decided upon but with Uncle Chessy's wicked little mind it is sure to be a cracker! Orvy, dare I say, but I'm rather excited about the prospect of it all! Please forgive me this one small delight my precious, I know you will understand.

Orvy, I am so happy that you have made a friend! Thank you for sending his picture to me. I must confess that since I received it it has had a strange and magical power over me. You see, I feel that when this intriguing man's picture is near, I can fight great battles and walk away unscathed. What is the name of your enchanting friend? I look so forward to meeting with him during my next visit!

Onward to our little munchkin, Willie. Rambunctious little dickens, I do love him so. I fear that my time is going to be greatly diminished whilst I pursue my efforts to raise the money to buy back the business from Uncle Chester. Yesterday, when Willie was in school, I set about finding someone to care for him while I am away. Being that money is tight, I had to put my little brain to work overtime on this one! Yesterday, armed with that lucky picture of Paul Welley, (he hee! I made up a temporary name for your friend!) I set about my task. I am very happy to report to you that I have found someone to look after Willie while I'm engaged. He will be going door to door from 3:00 - 9:00 handing out Christian Scientist pamphlets with our neighbor Gertie Gangrene. This has all worked out wonderfully. To be brutally honest, our little Willie will do well with some excerise. He has been really been putting on the pounds since you've been away. Too much canned spam and Juji fruits does not a thin boy make! Anyway, then from 9:00 to 11:00 he will be at home with Gary Goodyear who has been doing a wonderful job helping me out with Willie. (I sat next to him last week at the auto-racing track - I won $100.00 and promptly decided that he was my lucky charm) Willie adores him so and has even taken to calling him Daddy. He is such a loving little boy.

I just finished framing the picture you sent me of your friend. Forgive for me for bringing this up again, but I think I may know him from somewhere. I can't quite put my finger on it. He looks terribly similar to a man I met back during your last incarceration. Now don't think me crazy honeybun, but doesn't your friend bear an uncanny resemblance to our little Willie?

I must end this here Orvil, the telephone is ringing. I think it may be Uncle Chester.

Sit tight luv, things are on the right track and soon you will be back home with us where you belong.

With love from your little sugar puff
XXXX