How do you and your Mother get on?

[Mad Vespa]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

[Cassius]

I'm very sorry to hear that. :( If she doesn't want to be involved in your child's life then it is her loss. Congratulations on your new baby. :)

[Scarlet Ibis]

Oh, that's so sad. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I never had my father in my life, so I know that missing parent feeling.

My mom moved in with us about five years ago. It's been kind of hard because we're very different people, but we love each other a lot so that helps. I envy people who get along with their moms really well though.

I hope this won't ruin your Christmas. :[

[Mad Vespa]

Oh no no no - it doesn't ruin OUr Xmas, we won't let it. It's her loss - sad really. We're great - Santa' been and we can't wait for the morning :)

Merry Xmas to you all x x x

[MindlessRuffian]

I'm sorry :(. That's terrible.

My mother and I...I don't even know where to begin. A lot of bad things I can never ever forgive her for...but we get along ok sometimes. Helps that she lives in Ohio.

[CrystalGeezer]

I'm way too crabby with my mom sometimes and I regret that, but otherwise we get along okay. No huggy stuff or anything. :o

I'm sorry to hear your mom is being an ass.

[penfoldsfive]

me and my mum dont get along. i suppose she always expected more of me

[Disappointed]

I'm very sorry to hear that. :( I have that kind of a relationship with my father, who lives several hundred miles away from me, and has ever since he left the family without warning about 8 years ago. In all that time, I think that I've seen him exactly three times--his choice. He e-mails me when he feels like it, and doesn't maintain contact when he doesn't feel like it. *shrugs*

As another poster said, it's your mother's choice. A very unfortunate choice, but there's very little that you can do about it. Does she really have no interest in being involved in her grandson's life?

I would advise you that, as your son gets older, encourage him to maintain as much as a relationship as he can with his grandmother (unless your mother has done something horrible and unforgivable, of course)--have him send her birthday and holiday cards and presents, pictures, letters, etc., and, even if she doesn't respond, have him send them anyway.

As for my relationship with my mom, it's great, though not exactly what I want it to be. I want to be closer to her than I am, but, unfortunately, her confidante is now her second husband. When he came into her life about 5 years ago, I was kinda shuttled to the wayside in some ways.

[Mad Vespa]

Good advice Disappointed, thank you. I keep her updated with both my children's progress, I also have a 6 year old who she doesn't bother with either - I'm just so angry for them - I always encourage my daughter if she wants to see her gran ,her Dad will take her ... she's never asked to go. She's very loyal, I think she understands even though I've never talked negatively in front of her.

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

I just found when things were really awful that to read and hear about other people's tough experiences, it really helped me to figure things out for myself. I also think that by raising the subject, it might help someone else.
:thumb:

[troubleluvsme]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

Wow...I'm really sorry to hear that.
It is her loss, and it's really unfortunate that she is going to miss out on something as important as another grandchild.

[Our Lady]

I seek replacements in amorous relations with girls who've a steady income - well sorted, dashing and daring, cruel and cryptic. They pay their TV license and think it reasonable to like both Zola and de Nerval. I do adore the silent treatment.

It's true, y'know.

[virtually dead]

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.



I don't agree with sending cards etc regardless of any interest or response on her part. Maybe for a while but soon enough your child is going to recognise the rejection from someone who should love and care for them.

That's why I don't have any contact with my father. Until a couple of years ago we had a trickle of contact, on his terms, but I decided I didn't want anything at all from him. And now I don't and I'm more content in that decision.

But I don't have kids, so I couldn't really give you any good advice :o

[dailyalice]

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.


My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

[lainey]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

I agree with you. your conscience is clear.
why do people forgive those who constantly bring them pain? They have no right to control or oppress you.

[kyleleonard]

me and both my parents get on fine, don't know what i'll do when they're not here

[lottie]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

complete snap, you made the RIGHT decision my dear. :thumb:

[MunchyBrain]

I get on with both my parents really, really well. Especially considering I'm a teenager. :p

[Cassius]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

I did the same thing with my father. Even though he is dead now and I loved him and I miss him, I know I made the right decision.

[Disappointed]

Good advice Disappointed, thank you. I keep her updated with both my children's progress, I also have a 6 year old who she doesn't bother with either - I'm just so angry for them - I always encourage my daughter if she wants to see her gran ,her Dad will take her ... she's never asked to go. She's very loyal, I think she understands even though I've never talked negatively in front of her.

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

I just found when things were really awful that to read and hear about other people's tough experiences, it really helped me to figure things out for myself. I also think that by raising the subject, it might help someone else.
:thumb:

You're welcome, Mad Vespa.

Now that I think about it some more, I would like to amend my statement to agree with one of the other posters on this thread--if your mother is neglectful and/or abusive (like the poster's mother who left a 4-year-old in the car while she attended church), then, by all means, keep your children out of harm's way. Their safety and well-being is most important. If you think that their lives will be enriched by contact (even if one-sided) with their grandmother, then encourage them to keep in contact. If, on the other hand, you think that your mother will cause them pain (whether physical, emotional, or mental), then it's perfectly all right to cut off contact. There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with doing that.

Since you said that it might help you, I'll tell you a bit more about my relationship with my father. He was a pure tyrant when I was growing up, and emotionally abusive to me, my younger brother, and my mother. When I became a teenager, I saw how unfair it all was, and tried to stand up to him as best I could, and protect my mother and brother. My father didn't like that, and, more often than not, we'd fight.

Finally, when I was 16 years old, he packed his bags and left. To be perfectly honest, it was a huge relief! For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and free in my own home. My mother and I became closer than we had ever been before. It was wonderful.

A couple of years afterward, my father flew my brother and I out to visit him over Thanksgiving. The next time I saw him was my college graduation. The last time I saw him was my brother's college graduation.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about my father if and when I have children. I don't know how interested he will be in their lives, and how much he will want to be involved, I really don't.

Best of luck to you. This is a very hard situation, but you will get through it.

[This charming man.]

me and both my parents get on fine, don't know what i'll do when they're not here

Precisely the same for me. My mother is the love of my life, and I dread the day when they are both gone. Even the thought of it upsets me. They are both in their early to mid 70's.

[Silke]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

Might be that she thinks you only got back to her to look after the children. There are a lot of people who leave their parents with flying flags in their late teens or early twens only to return later to move in with them so that they look for their children and so much more. Maybe your mother would change her mind if she knew that it is not just about this.

People say that I am very close to my mother, when they see us together. I cannot complain really, even though we have our quarrels, but we work them out. She was pretty good in giving me the space and freedom that I needed in my life from a very early age.

[Hellie]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

Ditch the bitch...sorry but she's failed big time.:mad:

[Mad Vespa]

Well Hellie, I feel your right - it's how I reacted for nearly 10 years. She's not a bad person, just more interested in her life more than mine. We don't fit in - it's that simple.

Not all 'mothers' are the Walton's mum - she was a great mum til my Dad died when I was 10 then it all went south ... can't blame her really - it would have been a shock. However, I would never freeze out my daughter like she did ...


I'm moaning now .... sorry! :)

[Mad Vespa]

Might be that she thinks you only got back to her to look after the children. There are a lot of people who leave their parents with flying flags in their late teens or early twens only to return later to move in with them so that they look for their children and so much more. Maybe your mother would change her mind if she knew that it is not just about this.

People say that I am very close to my mother, when they see us together. I cannot complain really, even though we have our quarrels, but we work them out. She was pretty good in giving me the space and freedom that I needed in my life from a very early age.



She's NEVER looked after the kids (whole family) either for an afternoon or an overnight ... ever.

[emma1979]

mothers rock, imagine without my mother i wouldnt exist, jesus imagine that he he:straightface:

[Mad Vespa]

Ditch the bitch...sorry but she's failed big time.:mad:


BINGO! Thank you x

[Neader]

We don't

I wake up, start studying my ass off for midterms, she comes home from shopping and yells at me because the kitchen's dirty and she has to do everything. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't give me $20 a week for nothing. I then tell her that she just got done yelling at me yesterday for not spending that $20 on lunch and instead saving it for vinyls, that that money was lunch money. So I guess it isn't now? And I don't do anything? I'm busy studying my ass off. What are you doing? You're out shopping. Though when she left again I went in her room to go on the scale and saw tampon wrappers in her trash, guess that explains it

[Happy Maudlin]

It's complicated... I'll divulge when I have more time.

[troubleluvsme]

We don't

I wake up, start studying my ass off for midterms, she comes home from shopping and yells at me because the kitchen's dirty and she has to do everything. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't give me $20 a week for nothing. I then tell her that she just got done yelling at me yesterday for not spending that $20 on lunch and instead saving it for vinyls, that that money was lunch money. So I guess it isn't now? And I don't do anything? I'm busy studying my ass off. What are you doing? You're out shopping. Though when she left again I went in her room to go on the scale and saw tampon wrappers in her trash, guess that explains it


Wow....your last line was funny though.

Have you tried to talk to her about any of this while she's in a good mood?

[Neader]

There's no point, she just gets all fired up again.

Earlier this week she got mad at me because one morning she told me I had to bring the car out when I got home to which I replied "Yes master." She said that if she said it she would be thrown through a window into a brick wall, when I asked her if she thought that's what I deserved and that it was a justifiable punishment she said yes, I told her I'm glad she's a teacher and then she just went on a rant about "this generation". I wake up at 2 to 4 AM every morning to get done what I need to get done. I leave the house at 7. I'm busy as hell. She wakes up at 5, has breakfast and watches TV. I don't even eat breakfast and I get up that early. So I thought it was bullshit that she's telling me to do stuff when she's just sitting on her ass.

[Dave]

It's complicated... I'll divulge when I have more time.

;) as they used to say on Family Feud, "Good answer!"

[troubleluvsme]

There's no point, she just gets all fired up again.

Earlier this week she got mad at me because one morning she told me I had to bring the car out when I got home to which I replied "Yes master." She said that if she said it she would be thrown through a window into a brick wall, when I asked her if she thought that's what I deserved and that it was a justifiable punishment she said yes, I told her I'm glad she's a teacher and then she just went on a rant about "this generation". I wake up at 2 to 4 AM every morning to get done what I need to get done. I leave the house at 7. I'm busy as hell. She wakes up at 5, has breakfast and watches TV. I don't even eat breakfast and I get up that early. So I thought it was bullshit that she's telling me to do stuff when she's just sitting on her ass.

Sorry to hear that.
It sounds like you're very responsible and driven; you're hard work will pay off.
Hopefully, your Mom will soften up a bit.

[roadie]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[roadie]

Sorry to hear that.
It sounds like you're very responsible and driven; you're hard work will pay off.
Hopefully, your Mom will soften up a bit.

maybe,maybe not! but thank you for caring.:thumb::confused:

[MindlessRuffian]

You know...my mother was in Jersey last week and it was actually pleasant (other than the nature of her trip :(). We only go into one argument which she later realized was her fault and apologized saying, "I looked and everyone overreacted. If they have a problem with it, they can go fuck themselves".

Our relationship is just....different. I was looking in the mirror getting the fuzz off of my outfit for the wake and she walked into Gram's livingroom. She said, "Holy shit, you have the same butt I had in high school. I used to have that heart shaped back then...." so I looked at her and said, "Is this my future?". She looks up at me, starts cracking up and says, "hahaha, fuck you. You're such a bitch hahaha."

It's just....different.

[penfoldsfive]

You know...my mother was in Jersey last week and it was actually pleasant (other than the nature of her trip :(). We only go into one argument which she later realized was her fault and apologized saying, "I looked and everyone overreacted. If they have a problem with it, they can go fuck themselves".

Our relationship is just....different. I was looking in the mirror getting the fuzz off of my outfit for the wake and she walked into Gram's livingroom. She said, "Holy shit, you have the same butt I had in high school. I used to have that heart shaped back then...." so I looked at her and said, "Is this my future?". She looks up at me, starts cracking up and says, "hahaha, fuck you. You're such a bitch hahaha."

It's just....different.
mom just claims she loves me

[MindlessRuffian]

mom just claims she loves me

My mom loves me too...

[penfoldsfive]

she means it.

[MindlessRuffian]

she means it.

I don't know why/how you'd figure that one...

[Mozzer's Left Eyebrow]

I didn't speak to my mother since 1998. It's quite sad really, but we just don't get on and never have - I was always the outsider in that house. I started writing to my parents recently, just kind of breezy polite notes saying what I'm up to but I never hear back. Even if I did I don't think I'd want to meet up with them, me and them in the same room just isn't meant to be. I can't understand why some people have children only to act like that towards them. I used to be a mess over it when I was younger but I'm over that now. The only thing that scares me is what will happen when they die - how it will feel, and whether I'll even find out. It was kind of drummed into me from a young age that family is a meaningless concept so I find it easy enough to accept, but it still makes me sad sometimes if I'm honest. But as some of the stories on this thread indicate, there's no point flogging a dead horse just to keep up appearances. My mum reminds me of Ann Robinson in character...which is quite good for a quiz show, but not so much to grow up with.:lbf:

[Happy Maudlin]

I didn't speak to my mother since 1998. It's quite sad really, but we just don't get on and never have - I was always the outsider in that house. I started writing to my parents recently, just kind of breezy polite notes saying what I'm up to but I never hear back. Even if I did I don't think I'd want to meet up with them, me and them in the same room just isn't meant to be. I can't understand why some people have children only to act like that towards them. I used to be a mess over it when I was younger but I'm over that now. The only thing that scares me is what will happen when they die - how it will feel, and whether I'll even find out. It was kind of drummed into me from a young age that family is a meaningless concept so I find it easy enough to accept, but it still makes me sad sometimes if I'm honest. But as some of the stories on this thread indicate, there's no point flogging a dead horse just to keep up appearances. My mum reminds me of Ann Robinson in character...which is quite good for a quiz show, but not so much to grow up with.:lbf:

It's funny because in order to be completely honest with myself and free I have to cut the umbilical cord so to speak and be forced from estrangement from my mummy. My older sister is already not talking to me on a regular basis like she used to and the last conversation was tense. I don't expect joy exuding from her voice to note my presence any time soon. I think it is really sad that you don't speak to your mom but by reading the rest of your reply, it is best you don't. It is the desire within us to have acceptance from our parent's which reflects our need to feel accepted by society at large. If I am an outcast in my own God-damn home (in which I was when I was as a teenage and probably still am) I will be considered outcast elsewhere. And this created some deep-rooted and annoying insecurities. And the prideful keeping up with appearances thing is another issue I face with my mummy. This feeling is inextricable. I don't know how to explain her psychological prejudices against me, but I will find a shrink who will verbalize and manipulate my grievances for me soon.

And this ain't the half of it. I did not even mention her religiosity.

Oh and my mother loves me too. As they all say:straightface:

[Happy Maudlin]

College- Aged adult child still living with their parents = Lack of sympathy and compassion in parents particularly mothers.

Dickipedia entails the unsung role of a dilapidated relationship with your mom.
http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Your_mom

[McLovin]

For a moment there, I thought the title of this thread was "How do you get on your mother?" Surely, I couldn't have been the only one who'd thought that.

Perhaps I've dismissed Freud too hastily.

[Renia]

We have our phases. I always tend to give her another chance. Right now we're doing okay, and I go up to visit her and my brothers every now and then.

She annoys me a lot because she's basically the complete opposite of me. She's very outgoing whereas I'm more...withdrawn? She just talks A LOT. So whenever we're around other people she just talks a lot and I can't get much in.

Like today. She freaking cockblocked me. She's just a natural at that crap. I feel sorry for my brothers, they're gonna have it worse.

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

how do me and mom get on?
wow, I dont know anymore, I mean, she gave up so much for me that I did not ask her to
then when I was older, I gave her so much that she did not ask me for
you'd think that would make us even
and it would, if she just was not so darn sad and depressed whenever I talk to her
I really must hold my tongue now when I talk to her
I mean I do not want to say anything that will hurt her feelings
and seeing her, well, that is even harder now, I still remember
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/her/not/mom.jpg
the mother of my childhood :love: she may not look like much to you, but to me, when I was a boy, man, she was the most beautiful woman in the world :blushing:
now she's really overweight and frowning all the time, its hard for me to endure
mood swings too, she says though that seeing me makes her feel better
so I will make the effort to do that before summer comes I think
oh yeah, and its Monday, I should have called yesterday like I normally do
but hey, I think I will give it another week this time, I can only handle so much of her crying on the phone http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/suicide2.gif

[Corrissey]

My Mom is one of my best friends. We seem to be on the same wavelength (thinking of eachother) a lot. She's helped me so much in life, her guidance and common sense and her common cents. ;) I consider myself lucky to have such a great relationship with her, even if she does get on my nerves sometimes. Seems a week is as much as we can take together, then it's time for her to go home. :D She's more controlling than she'd like to admit, hardly ever 'in the wrong' & doesn't take 'criticism' very well...she's a lot like my husband ('there's only one way to do things--their way' :rolleyes:) ...so when we're all together...they're like :boxing: and I'm like :drama:

[snowfallsoon]

Seems like most of us have complicated relationships with our mothers.
Everything was great until I was 8. I still remember the first day she
punched me in the mouth. Put my tooth right thru my lip. That went
on until I was 17. Never touched my sisters, never did it when my
dad was around. She hated me so much but I didn't now why, still
don't. Oh and EVERY sunday. For hours, dragging me around the
house by my hair, throwing me into walls, whatever. I'd be covered
with bruises, swollen lips, etc. And all the awful things she'd say.
My sisters would sit on the stairs crying. They were younger. When
I was 17 I said "I think I'm too old for this' and she said ok, and never
hit me again. But still the rages and hate. I used to cry myself to sleep,
she just HATED me and I didn't get it. I don't think things got better
until I was almost 30. A few years ago, I asked her why she did it.
She said it was because she was drunk. But that's a lie. So I guess I'll
never know. I just want to know what changed overnight.
My uncle was a Doctor, lost his license since, but I remember finding
a bag of 'samples' in her bureau, xanax, valium, etc etc. I told my dad
but he thought called me a liar. They always thought I was up to
something but I wasn't. Both of my younger sisters are drug addicts.
I don't know. I decided to move on. We get along great now, we're pretty
close...I just wish I knew what happened. What could I have done when I
was 8 that was so bad?

[MindlessRuffian]

Seems like most of us have complicated relationships with our mothers.
Everything was great until I was 8. I still remember the first day she
punched me in the mouth. Put my tooth right thru my lip. That went
on until I was 17. Never touched my sisters, never did it when my
dad was around. She hated me so much but I didn't now why, still
don't. Oh and EVERY sunday. For hours, dragging me around the
house by my hair, throwing me into walls, whatever. I'd be covered
with bruises, swollen lips, etc. And all the awful things she'd say.
My sisters would sit on the stairs crying. They were younger. When
I was 17 I said "I think I'm too old for this' and she said ok, and never
hit me again. But still the rages and hate. I used to cry myself to sleep,
she just HATED me and I didn't get it. I don't think things got better
until I was almost 30. A few years ago, I asked her why she did it.
She said it was because she was drunk. But that's a lie. So I guess I'll
never know. I just want to know what changed overnight.
My uncle was a Doctor, lost his license since, but I remember finding
a bag of 'samples' in her bureau, xanax, valium, etc etc. I told my dad
but he thought called me a liar. They always thought I was up to
something but I wasn't. Both of my younger sisters are drug addicts.
I don't know. I decided to move on. We get along great now, we're pretty
close...I just wish I knew what happened. What could I have done when I
was 8 that was so bad?

I'm sorry. That's terrible. My mom was on crack during a bit of my childhood. She spaces out a lot. One time we were in the Burger King drive thru and I kept repeating "I want a Whopper" because I didn't think she had heard me...she sat staring into space. So the last time I said it, "I want a Whop---" she punched me in the nose. Broke it.

I also had to take care of my little sister and brother (She's 4 years younger than me and he's 7 years younger than me). She's just...disappear.

Sometimes people just need a scapegoat, I figure. I'm happy you two are close nowadays.

[snowfallsoon]

how do me and mom get on?
wow, I dont know anymore, I mean, she gave up so much for me that I did not ask her to
then when I was older, I gave her so much that she did not ask me for
you'd think that would make us even
and it would, if she just was not so darn sad and depressed whenever I talk to her
I really must hold my tongue now when I talk to her
I mean I do not want to say anything that will hurt her feelings
and seeing her, well, that is even harder now, I still remember
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/her/not/mom.jpg
the mother of my childhood :love: she may not look like much to you, but to me, when I was a boy, man, she was the most beautiful woman in the world :blushing:
now she's really overweight and frowning all the time, its hard for me to endure
mood swings too, she says though that seeing me makes her feel better
so I will make the effort to do that before summer comes I think
oh yeah, and its Monday, I should have called yesterday like I normally do
but hey, I think I will give it another week this time, I can only handle so much of her crying on the phone http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/gulrober/suicide2.gif

Sorry Robbie. That is just heartbreaking. Fucking crushing.

[snowfallsoon]

I'm sorry. That's terrible. My mom was on crack during a bit of my childhood. She spaces out a lot. One time we were in the Burger King drive thru and I kept repeating "I want a Whopper" because I didn't think she had heard me...she sat staring into space. So the last time I said it, "I want a Whop---" she punched me in the nose. Broke it.

I also had to take care of my little sister and brother (She's 4 years younger than me and he's 7 years younger than me). She's just...disappear.

Sometimes people just need a scapegoat, I figure. I'm happy you two are close nowadays.

Fuck. That is terrible....I'm sorry.
Does the term 'parentified child' sound farmiliar?

[MindlessRuffian]

Fuck. That is terrible....I'm sorry.
Does the term 'parentified child' sound farmiliar?

No, I've never heard that before. Is the meaning obvious to the term?

[Superhans]

I am the apple of my mother's eye and she loves nothing more than making me a cup of coffee, dinner and doing all my washing up.

[Mozza220559]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

You've done your bit, it's her loss if she doesn't want to be in your life, just enjoy your life with your new baby!

[Mozza220559]

My mum's brilliant!

[snowfallsoon]

No, I've never heard that before. Is the meaning obvious to the term?

Sort of, the child ends up taking care of younger siblings and the parent..


http://www.drsam.tv/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-him-your-parent/

[MindlessRuffian]

Sort of, the child ends up taking care of younger siblings and the parent..


http://www.drsam.tv/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-him-your-parent/

yikes:(

[snowfallsoon]

yikes:(

Fuck sorry, I think it's just 'things that are possible', I'm such an idiot, didn't mean to suggest that that's what would happen with you!! I'm really stupid sometimes....

[Cassius]

Seems like most of us have complicated relationships with our mothers.
Everything was great until I was 8. I still remember the first day she
punched me in the mouth. Put my tooth right thru my lip. That went
on until I was 17. Never touched my sisters, never did it when my
dad was around. She hated me so much but I didn't now why, still
don't. Oh and EVERY sunday. For hours, dragging me around the
house by my hair, throwing me into walls, whatever. I'd be covered
with bruises, swollen lips, etc. And all the awful things she'd say.
My sisters would sit on the stairs crying. They were younger. When
I was 17 I said "I think I'm too old for this' and she said ok, and never
hit me again. But still the rages and hate. I used to cry myself to sleep,
she just HATED me and I didn't get it. I don't think things got better
until I was almost 30. A few years ago, I asked her why she did it.
She said it was because she was drunk. But that's a lie. So I guess I'll
never know. I just want to know what changed overnight.
My uncle was a Doctor, lost his license since, but I remember finding
a bag of 'samples' in her bureau, xanax, valium, etc etc. I told my dad
but he thought called me a liar. They always thought I was up to
something but I wasn't. Both of my younger sisters are drug addicts.
I don't know. I decided to move on. We get along great now, we're pretty
close...I just wish I knew what happened. What could I have done when I
was 8 that was so bad?


I'm sorry. That's terrible. My mom was on crack during a bit of my childhood. She spaces out a lot. One time we were in the Burger King drive thru and I kept repeating "I want a Whopper" because I didn't think she had heard me...she sat staring into space. So the last time I said it, "I want a Whop---" she punched me in the nose. Broke it.

I also had to take care of my little sister and brother (She's 4 years younger than me and he's 7 years younger than me). She's just...disappear.

Sometimes people just need a scapegoat, I figure. I'm happy you two are close nowadays.

Jesus Christ, that's horrible. I am so sorry you two had to go through that. My mother treated me horribly but she was only ever physical with me a couple of times, and never to the point of breaking anything.

My mother was very mentally abusive. I had an absolutely terrible life until I moved out when I was eighteen (and then I moved in with my almost as terrible grandmother, but that's another story). I thank my fiance for saving my life, because if I had lived with my mother any longer I know I would have killed myself.

[MindlessRuffian]

Jesus Christ, that's horrible. I am so sorry you two had to go through that. My mother treated me horribly but she was only ever physical with me a couple of times, and never to the point of breaking anything.

My mother was very mentally abusive. I had an absolutely terrible life until I moved out when I was eighteen (and then I moved in with my almost as terrible grandmother, but that's another story). I thank my fiance for saving my life, because if I had lived with my mother any longer I know I would have killed myself.

I can understand that aspect of it too. My mother would spit words dripping with disdain at me that no 8 year old should have ever heard, let alone been called.

[snowfallsoon]

I can understand that aspect of it too. My mother would spit words dripping with disdain at me that no 8 year old should have ever heard, let alone been called.

Yes agreed. I don't think I've ever experienced such hate directed at me at any other time in my life.

At least we turned out to be nice people...

Cassius, glad you're still here.

The thing I don't understand is-don't they KNOW? I know when I say something mean to one of my kids (which really isn't even that mean) and I apologize.
I don't understand how they could not know what they were doing?

[Happy Maudlin]

Seems like most of us have complicated relationships with our mothers.
Everything was great until I was 8. I still remember the first day she
punched me in the mouth. Put my tooth right thru my lip. That went
on until I was 17. Never touched my sisters, never did it when my
dad was around. She hated me so much but I didn't now why, still
don't. Oh and EVERY sunday. For hours, dragging me around the
house by my hair, throwing me into walls, whatever. I'd be covered
with bruises, swollen lips, etc. And all the awful things she'd say.
My sisters would sit on the stairs crying. They were younger. When
I was 17 I said "I think I'm too old for this' and she said ok, and never
hit me again. But still the rages and hate. I used to cry myself to sleep,
she just HATED me and I didn't get it. I don't think things got better
until I was almost 30. A few years ago, I asked her why she did it.
She said it was because she was drunk. But that's a lie. So I guess I'll
never know. I just want to know what changed overnight.
My uncle was a Doctor, lost his license since, but I remember finding
a bag of 'samples' in her bureau, xanax, valium, etc etc. I told my dad
but he thought called me a liar. They always thought I was up to
something but I wasn't. Both of my younger sisters are drug addicts.
I don't know. I decided to move on. We get along great now, we're pretty
close...I just wish I knew what happened. What could I have done when I
was 8 that was so bad?

:tears: That's child abuse! I am very sorry that you went through this. How refreshing is it to be able to post this in a public forum like this and have sympathy evoked from strangers. And how sad is it that we can't even tell the ones closest to us, how we feel.
very sad indeed...

[MindlessRuffian]

Yes agreed. I don't think I've ever experienced such hate directed at me at any other time in my life.

At least we turned out to be nice people...

Cassius, glad you're still here.

The thing I don't understand is-don't they KNOW? I know when I say something mean to one of my kids (which really isn't even that mean) and I apologize.
I don't understand how they could not know what they were doing?

I can speak for anyone's mother but my own, but so many factors were involved in her behavior. Drinking, smoking weed, crack, money issues, I was the oldest and most easily held accountable, her 2nd husband beat her, etc. Also I got the majority of it because I was the oldest, a girl (she always wanted a boy), my personality is like my fathers and it clashes with hers and I look exactly like my father. Veronica (my sister) was my mom's little twin and Michel was the youngest and the only boy (also, the product of her 2nd marriage...no ties to my father).

Its a lot of things...

[snowfallsoon]

I can speak for anyone's mother but my own, but so many factors were involved in her behavior. Drinking, smoking weed, crack, money issues, I was the oldest and most easily held accountable, her 2nd husband beat her, etc. Also I got the majority of it because I was the oldest, a girl (she always wanted a boy), my personality is like my fathers and it clashes with hers and I look exactly like my father. Veronica (my sister) was my mom's little twin and Michel was the youngest and the only boy (also, the product of her 2nd marriage...no ties to my father).

Its a lot of things...

I know, they 'all' have their 'reasons' but you can't look at a small child, do that, and somewhere inside not know it's wrong.
Did she ever acknowledge it? Mine just blew me off....

[MindlessRuffian]

I know, they 'all' have their 'reasons' but you can't look at a small child, do that, and somewhere inside not know it's wrong.
Did she ever acknowledge it? Mine just blew me off....

Uhm...she "apologized" like 5 years ago. But then said she "couldn't be held accountable, really, because the drugs were acting"

[snowfallsoon]

Uhm...she "apologized" like 5 years ago. But then said she "couldn't be held accountable, really, because the drugs were acting"


My mom made up a drinking problem to account for it. She never drank.

And, ya, your mom is accountable.

[snowfallsoon]

:tears: That's child abuse! I am very sorry that you went through this. How refreshing is it to be able to post this in a public forum like this and have sympathy evoked from strangers. And how sad is it that we can't even tell the ones closest to us, how we feel.
very sad indeed...

It's ok really, i wasn't really looking for sympathy or anything, I think there are a lot of us who went thru some bad times with our parents.
Too many probably.

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

ok, I read some of the other stuff in this thread, yikes people, yikes
I hope you all recover from these horrible horrors you spoke about
that stuff just aint right :straightface:

[Lemon]

My relationship with my mother is pretty strained at the moment.
She has a boyfriend who she's been with for 4 years (they got together one month after her and my father split after 22 years of marriage). Why she's still with him is beyond my sister and I, she must be blinded by 'love' and afraid to be on her own.
He treats her like shite and he's been physical with her on a number of occasions. We're pretty sure from all the things several reliable people have told us that he cheats on her too. She's also got back into her gambling problem after almost going bankrupt when my sister and I were younger, and has been going through a midlife crisis for WAY too long (since before she split with dad so over 4 years). Just this past weekend mum packed up her stuff and left the boyfriend but was back with him by Monday (some crazy story about finding out he was cheating with an ex).
My sister and I are just fed up with it all :(.

[snowfallsoon]

My relationship with my mother is pretty strained at the moment.
She has a boyfriend who she's been with for 4 years (they got together one month after her and my father split after 22 years of marriage). Why she's still with him is beyond my sister and I, she must be blinded by 'love' and afraid to be on her own.
He treats her like shite and he's been physical with her on a number of occasions. We're pretty sure from all the things several reliable people have told us that he cheats on her too. She's also got back into her gambling problem after almost going bankrupt when my sister and I were younger, and has been going through a midlife crisis for WAY too long (since before she split with dad so over 4 years). Just this past weekend mum packed up her stuff and left the boyfriend but was back with him by Monday (some crazy story about finding out he was cheating with an ex).
My sister and I are just fed up with it all :(.


He hits her? Has she ever pressed charges? (probably no?)

[Cassius]

Yes agreed. I don't think I've ever experienced such hate directed at me at any other time in my life.

At least we turned out to be nice people...

Cassius, glad you're still here.

The thing I don't understand is-don't they KNOW? I know when I say something mean to one of my kids (which really isn't even that mean) and I apologize.
I don't understand how they could not know what they were doing?

Thanks. :)

My mom has severe mental illness. She's much better medicated now. When she's medicated I have an actual relationship with her. She tries hard now to be a good mom.

I do want to say, though, that I do love my mom a whole bunch and she does try really hard now.

[snowfallsoon]

I love my mom too..

[Lemon]

He hits her? Has she ever pressed charges? (probably no?)

Nope she's never pressed charges, we don't even know the extent of what's been going on as she wont tell us, or anyone really :(.
A few years ago they had a huge row and he got physical with her, and she climbed out the bathroom window to get away from him. Also, when they first got together one of my cousins went to visit her and she had a black eye, she said said it was from falling onto some rocks while trout fishing but there were no signs of scrapes etc, which is what you'd usually get if you fell face first on a bunch of rocks.
It's all very frustrating :(.

[snowfallsoon]

Nope she's never pressed charges, we don't even know the extent of what's been going on as she wont tell us, or anyone really :(.
A few years ago they had a huge row and he got physical with her, and she climbed out the bathroom window to get away from him. Also, when they first got together one of my cousins went to visit her and she had a black eye, she said said it was from falling onto some rocks while trout fishing but there were no signs of scrapes etc, which is what you'd usually get if you fell face first on a bunch of rocks.
It's all very frustrating :(.

Sorry, it sucks to watch that going on and be helpless to do anything about it.
Where they are living, is it 'his' place?

[Mad Vespa]

OMG ... that's is so literally what I feel it's quite uncanny ... I dread the phone call because we're out of touch and it WILL come at some point. I won't be going to the funeral and I know that's a WHOLE world of shit too.

Awww - thank you for making me not feel alone here x

[snowfallsoon]

OMG ... that's is so literally what I feel it's quite uncanny ... I dread the phone call because we're out of touch and it WILL come at some point. I won't be going to the funeral and I know that's a WHOLE world of shit too.

Awww - thank you for making me not feel alone here x

Sorry Mad Vespa

[Lemon]

Sorry, it sucks to watch that going on and be helpless to do anything about it.
Where they are living, is it 'his' place?

Yep they live at his place, they've also nearly finished building a new house which they half and half own. One of my big worries is that when/if this relationship implodes that she'll be left without any money etc, when her and my dad sold our old house they split the money and mum bought a convertible and to my knowledge put the rest into this new house :crazy:.

[snowfallsoon]

Yep they live at his place, they've also nearly finished building a new house which they half and half own. One of my big worries is that when/if this relationship implodes that she'll be left without any money etc, when her and my dad sold our old house they split the money and mum bought a convertible and to my knowledge put the rest into this new house :crazy:.

I wonder if that's her worry too....

[Lemon]

I wonder if that's her worry too....

I hope she thinks about money and having a nest egg, she turns 50 next month so should be thinking about it etc.
I think part of the problem is she was with dad since she was young, married 22 years then moved on a month later to this guy, she's afraid of being alone or some such.

[snowfallsoon]

I hope she thinks about money and having a nest egg, she turns 50 next month so should be thinking about it etc.
I think part of the problem is she was with dad since she was young, married 22 years then moved on a month later to this guy, she's afraid of being alone or some such.

Afraid to be alone at any expense...I'm just going to be nosy here but was this guy, the divorce, etc totally out of character for her?

[Lemon]

Afraid to be alone at any expense...I'm just going to be nosy here but was this guy, the divorce, etc totally out of character for her?

Mum's been going through a midlife crisis for nearly 5 years now, it started before her and dad split up and when she called me to tell me they'd split I wasn't altogether surprised, dad's set in his ways but mum was acting like a teenager, and still is (honestly it's gone on long enough!).
The thing that really threw my sister and I was the fact that she got together with this guy about a month after her and dad split up, and moved in with him a few months later when our old house was sold. It all seemed too fast but mum didn't seem to care, we told her what we thought but it's her life.
It's just so frustrating having a mother who acts like a teenager and doesn't see what's best for her etc. It's her life to ruin but man :crazy::(.

[snowfallsoon]

Mum's been going through a midlife crisis for nearly 5 years now, it started before her and dad split up and when she called me to tell me they'd split I wasn't altogether surprised, dad's set in his ways but mum was acting like a teenager, and still is (honestly it's gone on long enough!).
The thing that really threw my sister and I was the fact that she got together with this guy about a month after her and dad split up, and moved in with him a few months later when our old house was sold. It all seemed too fast but mum didn't seem to care, we told her what we thought but it's her life.
It's just so frustrating having a mother who acts like a teenager and doesn't see what's best for her etc. It's her life to ruin but man :crazy::(.

It's pretty confusing when the roles suddenly reverse isn't it?

[Lemon]

It's pretty confusing when the roles suddenly reverse isn't it?

It sure is :(.

[snowfallsoon]

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Shit I thought that was my mom for a second!

[snowfallsoon]

It sure is :(.

I don't know really what else to say. There's nothing worse than trying to save someone you love who doesn't want to be saved. Or doesn't think they need to be saved.

[Lemon]

I don't know really what else to say. There's nothing worse than trying to save someone you love who doesn't want to be saved. Or doesn't think they need to be saved.

That's okay it's cathartic just to talk about it, but yeah it's a shite situation and I just have to step back and leave her to it really :(.

[MindlessRuffian]

I talked on the phone with my Mommy for almost 2 hours last night. We talked about Gram, Pap and Dena.

It felt good to be able to talk about them all without fearing I had "asked too much".

[snowfallsoon]

I talked on the phone with my Mommy for almost 2 hours last night. We talked about Gram, Pap and Dena.

It felt good to be able to talk about them all without fearing I had "asked too much".


That's really good:)

[Mad Vespa]

Snowfallsoon just put me in touch with lots if other people who are totally in tune with my shitty upbringing .... THAT YOU XXXXX I am SO grateful ... I have real hope for a positive future X

[MindlessRuffian]

Snowfallsoon just put me in touch with lots if other people who are totally in tune with my shitty upbringing .... THAT YOU XXXXX I am SO grateful ... I have real hope for a positive future X

Same. I <3 Snowfallsoon :D

[troubleluvsme]

Same. I <3 Snowfallsoon :D

I luv her too. :love:

[snowfallsoon]

Aw, come you guys, 3 people loving me in a row will get me all emotional.

[LuvMozzy]

Me and my mum fell out before christmas because she decided to invite my violent, drug dealing brother to xmas and expected me to play happy families with him.
So I spent Xmas in my flat with Mozzer's Left Eyebrow instead, which was better. :thumb:

[MindlessRuffian]

Aw, come you guys, 3 people loving me in a row will get me all emotional.

Then stop being so awesome and nice :lbf::thumb::p

[Cassius]

I gotta join in on the snowfallsoon love.

[MindlessRuffian]

I gotta join in on the snowfallsoon love.

We're almost at fan club status.

[goinghome]

As someone chewing a longstanding bone of contention with my mother, I am curious about how the rest of you have reacted to Morrissey's song, 'Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed'. I find it unnaturally tragic to listen to, as the explicit presumption of all societies, philosophies, religions etc is that mother-love is the ultimate and purest example of human goodwill and care, even given that everyone is imperfect.:confused:

[Mad Vespa]

Well for me, it doesn't have any connection with my mother - it's too initmate. I love the song but I often prefer another on the album in the car because it has such little effect on me.

I'm more engaged with stuff that really touches me as a person but I don't think that unusual.

Enjoy :)

[goinghome]

Fair enough. YoR is an album of strong songs. :)

[Mad Vespa]

Yoiks! It's not just just me then - often it feels like it is, most friends and other family have very warm, positive relationships with 'them' and I feel like a freak because it's never been that way for me.

I know I would find support here - it's pretty relevant.

She phoned recently ... I asked her not to call again (considering it was her 'returning' my call from Xmas Ever ... it's March).

:blushing:

[Patrick!]

my mother is hands down my favorite person in the world. she can be a bit menopausal and wacky but when she's properly sedated, we get on just fine. i feel kinda bad because i steal her drugs a lot but i guess the apple just didn't fall far.

[Cosmic Dancer]

''She needs me more than she loves me''

[Will_Never_Marry]

I get on alright with my mum, she can talk too much sometimes but when she hasn't got much to talk about it gets a bit boring. She's warm and caring, nothing like me, I love her and I don't love many people. She's better then my evil dad whom I don't like and don't care about.

[Mars_Rover]

I love my ma, she's my favorite person in the world. It wasn't always this way - a mother and daughter often have a kind of challenging must-defeat-you dynamic. She tried to force her unreasonable rules on me: like "you have to go to school" and "little girls shouldn't smoke" and I would defy her, very angrily. But as I got into my teens, and a LOT of trouble, she was there for me and tried to understand what I was going through. Now we're like great friends. We live far apart, which may be a good thing for keeping it loving and positive :lbf:

[JoanOfArc]

Great!:)