The 2nd Moz-Solo Storytelling Thread

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

In honour of the old one, which I found in the archives and thought was genius. I'll start, shall I? :p

One rainy day, Morrissey was surreptitiously logging on to Solo(w) for another day of trolling and the occasional peek at the frink thread, when he heard a knock at the door. Rapidly closing his browser to avoid any uncomfortable questions, he yelled "Come in!". And through that door strode...

[Kewpie]

Actually this is the FOURTH one, new girl.

finish the story (http://forums.morrissey-solo.com/showthread.php?t=65157/)
another finish the story (http://forums.morrissey-solo.com/showthread.php?t=65786/)
Storytelling thread - the sequel (http://forums.morrissey-solo.com/showthread.php?t=75389/)


Good luck.

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Actually this is the THIRD one, new girl.

Good luck.

Hey, I'm not that new! :mad: :p

Ah well, I'm sure the good people of Solo will take pity on me and respond. Any takers? :)

[dunya]

The postman, carrying a very large package.
"Sign here" he said and ...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

The postman, carrying a very large package.
"Sign here" he said and ...

gave a little flirtatious wink. Morrissey, while scandalized, was also rather flattered at this unexpected attention, and was about to invite the postman in for an illicit cup of Earl Grey when...

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

gave a little flirtatious wink. Morrissey, while scandalized, was also rather flattered at this unexpected attention, and was about to invite the postman in for an illicit cup of Earl Grey when...

suddenly the ground started to shake, then there was a bright light and a strange sound. Forcing both to...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

suddenly the ground started to shake, then there was a bright light and a strange sound. Forcing both to...

try to hide from whatever was causing them so much terror. While the postman grabbed hold of the nearest light fitting and hoisted himself up above the kitchen cabinet (dropping his package in the process), Moz cowered under the dining table, quaking like a leaf. But their attempts to escape were futile. With an almighty roar...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

C'mon, surely someone must be interested! :o

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

bump. :o

[SomeFormOfSusan]

try to hide from whatever was causing them so much terror. While the postman grabbed hold of the nearest light fitting and hoisted himself up above the kitchen cabinet (dropping his package in the process), Moz cowered under the dining table, quaking like a leaf. But their attempts to escape were futile. With an almighty roar...

...Mike Joyce emerged from the light, a stray fifty pound note still stuck behind his ear from his daily money bath. Morrissey swiftly reemerged from under the table and said...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

...Mike Joyce emerged from the light, a stray fifty pound note still stuck behind his ear from his daily money bath. Morrissey swiftly reemerged from under the table and said...

"Oh, thank God it's you, Mike! I was worried it might be that dreadful Boz bloke. Postie, a minute, please"

Sensing that he was not welcome, the postman retreated to the living room, as Mike and Moz started to whisper conspiratorially. However, before he could even sit down, a loud screeching noise gave him the fright of his life. Jumping out of his skin, and cursing the bad luck that seemed to be befalling him today, he spun round. There in a cage in the corner was...

[therightone]

"Oh, thank God it's you, Mike! I was worried it might be that dreadful Boz bloke. Postie, a minute, please"

Sensing that he was not welcome, the postman retreated to the living room, as Mike and Moz started to whisper conspiratorially. However, before he could even sit down, a loud screeching noise gave him the fright of his life. Jumping out of his skin, and cursing the bad luck that seemed to be befalling him today, he spun round. There in a cage in the corner was...

Julia.........:D

[dave.jay1@ntlworld.com]

....Slavering at the mouth, and making noises like those Last heard on "November spawned a Monster".
Strangely aroused, and unable to quite control himself, The Postie neared the cage.
The Freakish Julia-mutation then held out a hand, showing the postman a

[Oh my god, it's Robby!]

....Slavering at the mouth, and making noises like those Last heard on "November spawned a Monster".
Strangely aroused, and unable to quite control himself, The Postie neared the cage.
The Freakish Julia-mutation then held out a hand, showing the postman a

backstage pass :cool:

[Franzanna]

... but the backstage pass was for Simply Red! Shocked, the postman fell into the crack that Mike Joyce had emerged from, which was filled with...

[therightone]

... but the backstage pass was for Simply Red! Shocked, the postman fell into the crack that Mike Joyce had emerged from, which was filled with...

the writhing bodies of Solo members begging, pleading for Morrissey to come down and....

[mcrickson]

give them anal :lbf:

[therightone]

give them anal :lbf:

:eek:....now something more intriguing please......:blushing:

[Franzanna]

Seeing his opportunity, the postman tried to pretend to be Morrissey. However, the people/creatures of Morrissey-Solo saw through his plot and...

[therightone]

Seeing his opportunity, the postman tried to pretend to be Morrissey. However, the people/creatures of Morrissey-Solo saw through his plot and...


sehr schon!! (I have no umlaut...:()

[Franzanna]

sehr schon!! (I have no umlaut...:()

Dann können Sie ein E benützen, also ,,sehr schoen''. :) Ich glaube, Sie sprechen über meinem Gedicht? :o
However, that does not carry on from the story. Add something to carry on from mine, even just a short sentence. :p

[therightone]

also....

...as his fragrance of choice was not Avignon Incense or Commes De Garcons, though they could not all see his face, they knew he was an imposter and tossed him back only to.....

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

also....

...as his fragrance of choice was not Avignon Incense or Commes De Garcons, though they could not all see his face, they knew he was an imposter and tossed him back only to.....

start clambering out of the chasm, pushing and yelping, and making their way to the kitchen where Morrissey and Mike were talking. Julia rattled the bars of her cage feverishly, but was ignored in the chaos. The Solo-ers rushed at the kitchen door, barging it open, and to their horror...

[dunya]

start clambering out of the chasm, pushing and yelping, and making their way to the kitchen where Morrissey and Mike were talking. Julia rattled the bars of her cage feverishly, but was ignored in the chaos. The Solo-ers rushed at the kitchen door, barging it open, and to their horror...

discovered their web server had been hijacked. :eek: Instead of finding themselves in Morrissey's kitchen they were shocked to discover they had been whisked away to the Simply Red chatroom, where...

[Drew a swallow]

discovered their web server had been hijacked. :eek: Instead of finding themselves in Morrissey's kitchen they were shocked to discover they had been whisked away to the Simply Red chatroom, where...

...kewpie was furiously typing every post on mozz solo as every poster in her mad insane way. It then became obvious that none of us really existed at all. It was all a part of her imagination. Then she fell asleep yet again and...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

...kewpie was furiously typing every post on mozz solo as every poster in her mad insane way. It then became obvious that none of us really existed at all. It was all a part of her imagination. Then she fell asleep yet again and...

dreamt of Mick Hucknall and his quivering ginger afro. Dancing with Mick in her dream was...

[therightone]

dreamt of Mick Hucknall and his quivering ginger afro. Dancing with Mick in her dream was...

Julia (who had escaped the cage) and she was singing...
"One look and the mirror shows I live as I want
But she's got it bad
She knows it
It shows!"

When Morrissey overheard the wretched screeching he...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Julia (who had escaped the cage) and she was singing...
"One look and the mirror shows I live as I want
But she's got it bad
She knows it
It shows!"

When Morrissey overheard the wretched screeching he...

:lbf:

began to cry, overwhelmed by the emotional intensity and beauty of Julia's voice. However, as soon as he neared her, she became scared and cowered under one of Mick's toupees. Morrissey scowled angrily at her blatant rejection of him, and decided to...

[Franzanna]

...cut all her toes off with a boiled carrot. This, he noted after a few minutes, was not really working, but he diligently tried to detoeitate her with the cooked vegetable all the same. However, to the rescue with a Stanley knife came...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

...cut all her toes off with a boiled carrot. This, he noted after a few minutes, was not really working, but he diligently tried to detoeitate her with the cooked vegetable all the same. However, to the rescue with a Stanley knife came...

Moz's buddy and secret wardrobe mistress Lady Gaga, dressed in the Coat of Cash from the Friday Night Project. She had...

[Franzanna]

Moz's buddy and secret wardrobe mistress Lady Gaga, dressed in the Coat of Cash from the Friday Night Project. She had...

around her neck the key to the Magical Keyhole in the Wall.
'C'mon Morrissey, are you coming?'
'What about Mike? I can't just leave him here.'
'Sure you can.'
'Well, I suppose,' said Morrissey pensively. Gaga turned the key...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

around her neck the key to the Magical Keyhole in the Wall.
'C'mon Morrissey, are you coming?'
'What about Mike? I can't just leave him here.'
'Sure you can.'
'Well, I suppose,' said Morrissey pensively. Gaga turned the key...

and opened the door to reveal a long pink tunnel for as far as the eye could see. When they had climbed in- shutting the door firmly behind them- they began to crawl towards the end of the tunnel. The journey was long, but they finally reached another small door, and opening it discovered...

[Franzanna]

and opened the door to reveal a long pink tunnel for as far as the eye could see. When they had climbed in- shutting the door firmly behind them- they began to crawl towards the end of the tunnel. The journey was long, but they finally reached another small door, and opening it discovered...

a very long red tunnel with a bright light at the end of it.
'OMG!' screamed Gaga, 'shut the door, quick! Pink and red? Purlease! This is a dead end for me, babes.'

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

a very long red tunnel with a bright light at the end of it.
'OMG!' screamed Gaga, 'shut the door, quick! Pink and red? Purlease! This is a dead end for me, babes.'

Tears sprang to Morrissey's eyes. "But I thought we were going to start a new life together, away from all the doubters out there?".

"I'm sorry" Gaga said, and made her way back to the kitchen. Moz started crawling desperately towards the light, but suddenly, a figure obscured it. It was...

[Franzanna]

a German shepherd which he recognised to be the guard dog that stopped Julia from escaping.
'Benji, bad dog! You're supposed to be guarding the prisoner,' Morrissey berated.
'The name's Benzene, buddy,' growled the alsatian. 'And you ain't not telling me what to do, I'm my own master.'
'Says who?'
'Says...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

a German shepherd which he recognised to be the guard dog that stopped Julia from escaping.
'Benji, bad dog! You're supposed to be guarding the prisoner,' Morrissey berated.
'The name's Benzene, buddy,' growled the alsatian. 'And you ain't not telling me what to do, I'm my own master.'
'Says who?'
'Says...

Johnny Rogan. We're going out for a beer later if that's alright with you, big shot".

At this Morrissey turned bright red, the veins on his forehead bulging in anger. "How dare you bring up that reptile again. I've told you not to associate with people like that. Why, I oughta..."

The dog tossed its head and snarled, lunging for Moz. But just as a fight was about to kick off, they were interrupted by...

[Franzanna]

Johnny Rogan. We're going out for a beer later if that's alright with you, big shot".

At this Morrissey turned bright red, the veins on his forehead bulging in anger. "How dare you bring up that reptile again. I've told you not to associate with people like that. Why, I oughta..."

The dog tossed its head and snarled, lunging for Moz. But just as a fight was about to kick off, they were interrupted by...

Julia, slavering rabidly, who had crept behind Morrissey and Gaga as stealthily as a cougar. Morrissey could see blood on her teeth, at the sight of which he paled.
'No...no...not Lady G?' he whimpered, 'you wouldn't, no couldn't...'
'I did, Morrissey,' Julia drooled, rehinging her jaw. 'I'd do anything to get closer to you.'
'Benzene! Benzene! Attack! Attack!' Moz screeched.
'I told you, buster, you got no right to boss me about.'
Julia was nearly at Morrissey's neck, unhinging her jaw yet again, when a blood-curdling shriek filled the air...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Julia, slavering rabidly, who had crept behind Morrissey and Gaga as stealthily as a cougar. Morrissey could see blood on her teeth, at the sight of which he paled.
'No...no...not Lady G?' he whimpered, 'you wouldn't, no couldn't...'
'I did, Morrissey,' Julia drooled, rehinging her jaw. 'I'd do anything to get closer to you.''Benzene! Benzene! Attack! Attack!' Moz screeched.
'I told you, buster, you got no right to boss me about.'
Julia was nearly at Morrissey's neck, unhinging her jaw yet again, when a blood-curdling shriek filled the air...

:lbf:

and the three whipped round, only to see Phil Mitchell and his mates, standing there with menacing looks on their faces. "Oi, you!" he growled at Julia,...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

bump :cool:

[Franzanna]

bump :cool:

Sorry love, I'd reply but it's kind of turned into GWTT and Franzi's Story-Telling Thread. :p Come on other people, I'm refusuing to add anything to the story until someone else does, and GWTT will be sad if no-one adds anything. Don't make her sad. :p

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Sorry love, I'd reply but it's kind of turned into GWTT and Franzi's Story-Telling Thread. :p Come on other people, I'm refusuing to add anything to the story until someone else does, and GWTT will be sad if no-one adds anything. Don't make her sad. :p

It's fine, I was trying to encourage others to post on here too, because really, it's too much fun to miss out on. :p

And really, me being sad would be a terrible blow for the forums. :tears: :D

[The Cat's Mother]

Sorry love, I'd reply but it's kind of turned into GWTT and Franzi's Story-Telling Thread. :p Come on other people, I'm refusuing to add anything to the story until someone else does, and GWTT will be sad if no-one adds anything. Don't make her sad. :p

I can't contribute until someone mentions jiggly manboobs or the questionable use of custard. It's an unwritten rule I have. Sorry. :(

[Franzanna]

I can't contribute until someone mentions jiggly manboobs or the questionable use of custard. It's an unwritten rule I have. Sorry. :(

Fine then, I'll make the next part feature both if it means you'll post afterwards! :p


:lbf:

and the three whipped round, only to see Phil Mitchell and his mates, standing there with menacing looks on their faces. "Oi, you!" he growled at Julia,...

'...get your teeth on these beauties!' He opened his shirt to show huge man boobs, at least a C cup, which pulsated nauseatingly. Repelled and dazed, Julia fell back. From behind Phil and his beefy mates came weedy Ben Mitchell, with a pressure washer filled with custard. Julia had no time to react until Ben had pressed the hosepipe into her mouth. She swelled up like a balloon being filled up to make a water bomb and...

[The Cat's Mother]

Fine then, I'll make the next part feature both if it means you'll post afterwards! :p



'...get your teeth on these beauties!' He opened his shirt to show huge man boobs, at least a C cup, which pulsated nauseatingly. Repelled and dazed, Julia fell back. From behind Phil and his beefy mates came weedy Ben Mitchell, with a pressure washer filled with custard. Julia had no time to react until Ben had pressed the hosepipe into her mouth. She swelled up like a balloon being filled up to make a water bomb and...

TCM felt a bit ill at that image but she'd made a promise, so....


....with an enormous POP!SPLOOSH!, Julia exploded like a giant pluke all over Phil's wibbling moobs. :sick:

The East Enders theme tune came on and Morrissey reached for the remote and switched over to Channel 4, only to see Gary Day in a....

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

TCM felt a bit ill at that image but she'd made a promise, so....


....with an enormous POP!SPLOOSH!, Julia exploded like a giant pluke all over Phil's wibbling moobs. :sick:

The East Enders theme tune came on and Morrissey reached for the remote and switched over to Channel 4, only to see Gary Day in a....

:lbf::lbf::lbf:

leather catsuit, dancing seductively with...

[The Cat's Mother]

:lbf::lbf::lbf:

leather catsuit, dancing seductively with...

..an audience of cheering skinheads.

[SomeFormOfSusan]

..an audience of cheering skinheads.

Morrissey's eyes sparkled as though they were catching the light from the glittery nail polish they all wore, and, needing to spread the word of this program, he picked up the phone and dialled...

[dunya]

Morrissey's eyes sparkled as though they were catching the light from the glittery nail polish they all wore, and, needing to spread the word of this program, he picked up the phone and dialled...

...a number randomly, being a firm believer in serendipity.

A voice at the end of the line cautiously said "Hello..?"
It was...

[Billtwasreallynowt]

....the bus conductor, and suddenly having looked all around, and realising it was daylight, upon the Edgeware Road service, and surely it hadn't all been a dream.

"Have you got a ticket" asked the conductor......

[SomeFormOfSusan]

"A ticket?" Morrissey asked. "What would I need a ticket for? The phone? Can't understand new technology sometimes." Confused as he was, he still dug deep in his pockets and found...

[Billtwasreallynowt]

....a note from Mike Joyce. How in the hell did that get there he pondered. He wanted to bin it immediately, and the conductor was getting impatient, yet he felt compelled to read it.

Dear Morrissey.....

[SomeFormOfSusan]

...help me, I am trapped inside Mike Joyce's body as a split personality. I need you to rescue me, now! I'm writing this veeeeerrrryyy slowwwlllyyy while he's asleep so that he doesn't realise his hands are moving and wake up.

To get me out of this gorilla suit...

[Billtwasreallynowt]

.....you will need to repeat three times as clearly as you can "Sorrow Will Come In The End". Yours sincerely.....Mike Joyce Version 2.

"Hmmmmm" purred Morrissey, but before he could contemplate the fate of Mike Joyce or his hidden psychotic personality, he was interrupted by an abrupt roar

"SIR!! If you do not have a ticket, you shall have to purchase one and pay a £10 spot fine".

Morrissey sighed deeply......

[The Cat's Mother]

.....you will need to repeat three times as clearly as you can "Sorrow Will Come In The End". Yours sincerely.....Mike Joyce Version 2.

"Hmmmmm" purred Morrissey, but before he could contemplate the fate of Mike Joyce or his hidden psychotic personality, he was interrupted by an abrupt roar

"SIR!! If you do not have a ticket, you shall have to purchase one and pay a £10 spot fine".

Morrissey sighed deeply......


...with nostalgia for 1986, when £10 would have got him an ASDA shopping bag full of hair products, a four-pack of Tennants, patty and chips twice and a blush-inducing trouser-encounter with James Maker behind WH Smiths. And it'd all been trees around here when he was a lad....

Reluctantly he delved into his pockets for the money. That when he caught the whiff of.....

[Franzanna]

...with nostalgia for 1986, when £10 would have got him an ASDA shopping bag full of hair products, a four-pack of Tennants, patty and chips twice and a blush-inducing trouser-encounter with James Maker behind WH Smiths. And it'd all been trees around here when he was a lad....

Reluctantly he delved into his pockets for the money. That when he caught the whiff of.....

...animals being fried. At first, Morrissey thought it was from the cheap burger joint he could see through the window seeping through the opening at the top, but then he saw it was closed. To his surprise, he turned around to see that there was someone sitting at the back of the bus having a barbecue. Enraged, he ignored the bus conductor's demands to pay up and went to interfere with the barbecuer...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

...animals being fried. At first, Morrissey thought it was from the cheap burger joint he could see through the window seeping through the opening at the top, but then he saw it was closed. To his surprise, he turned around to see that there was someone sitting at the back of the bus having a barbecue. Enraged, he ignored the bus conductor's demands to pay up and went to interfere with the barbecuer...

who turned out to be Johnny Marr. :eek: Moz gasped, and again went red with fury. "What?!" said Johnny incredulously. "I was doing you a favour, I was trying to..."

(Controversial, I know :D)

All of you are great writers btw. You put me to shame...:o

[SomeFormOfSusan]

"...send smoke signals to tell the bus conductor I would pay your ticket!"

Morrissey's rather immense eyebrows knitted together and he asked, "Why didn't you just tell him?"

Johnny looked embarrassed, and opened his mouth to admit, "The thing is..."

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

"...send smoke signals to tell the bus conductor I would pay your ticket!"

Morrissey's rather immense eyebrows knitted together and he asked, "Why didn't you just tell him?"

Johnny looked embarrassed, and opened his mouth to admit, "The thing is..."

..."I just had to see you again!", Johnny blurted out, rapidly going red at this admission. Morrissey looked away, feeling slightly awkward, but eventually, he turned back to Johnny and...

[The Cat's Mother]

..."I just had to see you again!", Johnny blurted out, rapidly going red at this admission. Morrissey looked away, feeling slightly awkward, but eventually, he turned back to Johnny and...

...said "Do you still get away with paying half-fare on account of being a short-arse? Because that'd save us a fiver in fines. We could go and have tea and scones with the change."

[The Cat's Mother]

BUMP!


*

"What was that?" asked Johnny (a few minutes later, with a mouthful of scone).

"What was what?"

"That loud BUMP!"

"I think...... I think it was the thumping of my heart!" said.....

[Franzanna]

BUMP!


*

"What was that?" asked Johnny (a few minutes later, with a mouthful of scone).

"What was what?"

"That loud BUMP!"

"I think...... I think it was the thumping of my heart!" said.....

...a curious man. He looked a few years Johnny's senior and spoke with an Ulster accent, and was wearing a tweed cap. 'Excuse the thumping, I'm just on me way to the doctor's to have my pacemakers volume turned down a bit.'

[The Cat's Mother]

...a curious man. He looked a few years Johnny's senior and spoke with an Ulster accent, and was wearing a tweed cap. 'Excuse the thumping, I'm just on me way to the doctor's to have my pacemakers volume turned down a bit.'

"Can they turn down your voice a notch or two while they're at it, Mr Paisley?" asked Johnny.

"That's religious intolerance!" stormed Ian Paisley (for it was indeed he). "If I wasn't as mad as a weasel's oirse, I'd......"

[therightone]

weasel's oirse....

[The Cat's Mother]

weasel's oirse....


..... echoed The Voice of Gerry Adams from behind some bushes.

There was going to be a punch-up.

[Franzanna]

..... echoed The Voice of Gerry Adams from behind some bushes.

There was going to be a punch-up.

Ian Paisley spun around as quickly as a man of his vast size could. He rummaged around in the bush, searching for his opponent. However, to his disappointment, Gerry Adams was nowhere to be found.
'You little oirse!' he bellowed, 'come here and foight loike a maaaaan!'
'Oi'll foight however the hell Oi feel loike it, fatty.'
'What koind of man ore you? You have no oidea of how to foight.'
'Oi'm not a man. Oi'm...'

[The Cat's Mother]

Ian Paisley spun around as quickly as a man of his vast size could. He rummaged around in the bush, searching for his opponent. However, to his disappointment, Gerry Adams was nowhere to be found.
'You little oirse!' he bellowed, 'come here and foight loike a maaaaan!'
'Oi'll foight however the hell Oi feel loike it, fatty.'
'What koind of man ore you? You have no oidea of how to foight.'
'Oi'm not a man. Oi'm...'

...a loight anomaly in Yvette Fielding's shoire!"

[SomeFormOfSusan]

"Oolster see-az 'no'!" Paisley roared and set off in the direction of his opponent's voice.

Morrissey raised a caterpillar...I mean, an eyebrow, and asked Johnny, "Well! Who let those two out?"

[The Cat's Mother]

"Oolster see-az 'no'!" Paisley roared and set off in the direction of his opponent's voice.

Morrissey raised a caterpillar...I mean, an eyebrow, and asked Johnny, "Well! Who let those two out?"

But Johnny didn't answer. He'd been swept up in the net of the Child Catcher from Chitty Bang Bang. :eek:

[virtually dead]

And as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang turns to camera, he says with an air of resgnation:

'I'm afraid it isn't going to get much better'

;)

[The Cat's Mother]

And as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang turns to camera, he says with an air of resgnation:

'I'm afraid it isn't going to get much better....

;)

....because Dick van Dyke is going to speak in his English accent.'

[virtually dead]

....because Dick van Dyke is going to speak in his English accent.'

...in this fantastic, new, vamped, and indeed rather exciting Video Nasty version of Chitty Chitty BANG BANG!'

[The Cat's Mother]

...in this fantastic, new, vamped, and indeed rather exciting Video Nasty version of Chitty Chitty BANG BANG!'


Things were not boding well for netted!Johnny as Van Dyke and the Child Catcher exchanged sinister smiles.

"Fetch the albatross!"

[Franzanna]

Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had I from old and young !
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

... said Samuel Taylor-Coleridge, reading aloud from the Part 2 of 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner', which was written on the back of his hand.

[CrystalGeezer]

... said Samuel Taylor-Coleridge, reading aloud from the Part 2 of 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner', which was written on the back of his hand.

The End.

:p

[Franzanna]

The End.

:p

'Well that was a shit film,' said...

[Bram]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm a good storyteller.:)

[Franzanna]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm a good storyteller.:)

Welcome, Bram. :) Just add on the next part of the story to the last post.

[Bram]

Dracula, as he bit into her pale and lovely neck.

[The Cat's Mother]

Dracula, as he bit into her pale and lovely neck.

...and passed out because the sight of blood made him a bit queasy. Dracula woke up to find he'd been dressed up as.....

[Kewpie]

...and passed out because the sight of blood made him a bit queasy. Dracula woke up to find he'd been dressed up as.....

Grayson Perry.
He had to fix his blonde wig and smeared make-up because he's going to the auditon of...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Grayson Perry.
He had to fix his blonde wig and smeared make-up because he's going to the auditon of...

Britain's Got Talent, hoping to be the next Susan Boyle. On the way to the audition, though, he got rather distracted on spotting...

[eatenbyweasels]

Dear Sir,

I am writing to complain about the dearth of comely, love-handled and bequiffed gentlemen on this thread. There is a difference between "Off-Topic" and simply "off".

Sincerely,

Edna B Weasels (Mrs)

[The Cat's Mother]

The cats mother would of said it better;)


(for my posts on this thread i am using a type of google style Brion Gysin cut-up technique as used by William S. Burroughs.)


Yes, I would have. :rolleyes:

Hopefully Mr Burroughs has love-handles worth grabbing. :thumb:

Anyway, Morrissey saw Dave's shopping poll and phoned up Kate. "Meet me in Primark, behind the fluffy socks!" he whispered.

"Bring Boz, a SatNav and a pack of Steradent!" she giggled and hung up.

[The Cat's Mother]

Sorry Miss, do i miss play time?




no he was a skinny junkie.




she was babbling. I was laughing. Why? It's funny when she babbles. “It's okay, Bail,” I giggled. “See you at school.” “Bye!” she hung up. No we ate Pete." I giggled. "I'm alive. Yes I'm sure. Haha okay bye." He hung up. "She said to go by the house later." I nodded. He got up, She giggled, her well developed chest shaking with her laughter. She took another deep hit off ... With that, she hung up the phone and flagged down a taxi (she giggled) That didn't sound too good, did it? Well, I'm good at that. Pecking. ... Before she hung up, she said, "Well, I have to go. " And I love you Nickbear" She kissed him. ... She hung up her cellphone stuffing it into her arepostale jean pockets. She Smiled Sweetly


She smiled so sweetly she didn't notice UncleSkinny Burroughs cowering behind the fluffy sock display. A lone Steradent tablet rolled towards Skinny, faltering on a bit of lint from some fraying slipper socks before pirouetting noisily towards a horizontal landing on the wood-effect floor. Skinny held his breath as the tablet came to rest. He burped. It tasted of Pete. Pete and his broad chest, glistening with sweat as he writhed in his bonds. Pete in his tight jeans. Arching. The zip straining. Dear God... he needed a peppermint, but there was a Satnav in his hands. Trembling, he set the destination as....

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

She smiled so sweetly she didn't notice UncleSkinny Burroughs cowering behind the fluffy sock display. A lone Steradent tablet rolled towards Skinny, faltering on a bit of lint from some fraying slipper socks before pirouetting noisily towards a horizontal landing on the wood-effect floor. Skinny held his breath as the tablet came to rest. He burped. It tasted of Pete. Pete and his broad chest, glistening with sweat as he writhed in his bonds. Pete in his tight jeans. Arching. The zip straining. Dear God... he needed a peppermint, but there was a Satnav in his hands. Trembling, he set the destination as....

:eek: :D

the nearest Smiths disco, to see if he could seek out someone to make him forget, keep him occupied until he could see Pete again. He meant to set out walking through the humdrum streets of the town, but instead...

[The Cat's Mother]

:eek: :D

the nearest Smiths disco, to see if he could seek out someone to make him forget, keep him occupied until he could see Pete again. He meant to set out walking through the humdrum streets of the town, but instead...

...he accidently changed the voice setting on the satnav. SkinnyBurrough's careless thumb (sweaty due to thoughts of dipping his tongue into the damp, salty secrets of Pete's navel) slipped on the controls. Instead of the default setting (the slightly stoned-sounding "Philippa") another voice blasted out of the satnav.

"Take me anywhere, I don't care I don't care, I don't caaaaaaaaaare!"

Burroughs was lost.

[dunya]

...he accidently changed the voice setting on the satnav. SkinnyBurrough's careless thumb (sweaty due to thoughts of dipping his tongue into the damp, salty secrets of Pete's navel) slipped on the controls. Instead of the default setting (the slightly stoned-sounding "Philippa") another voice blasted out of the satnav.

"Take me anywhere, I don't care I don't care, I don't caaaaaaaaaare!"

Burroughs was lost.


Satnav, freed for the first time from strict instructions, bleeped with delight and headed for a much-longed-for destination. The room span. Breathless and bruised from being buffeted by the journey Skinny found himself landed with a jolt at the big red bus station where he was astonished to see...

[The Cat's Mother]

Satnav, freed for the first time from strict instructions, bleeped with delight and headed for a much-longed-for destination. The room span. Breathless and bruised from being buffeted by the journey Skinny found himself landed with a jolt at the big red bus station where he was astonished to see...

.....Christopher Biggins!

[dunya]

.....Christopher Biggins!

In the darkened depot Biggins laughed manically and wrestled open the doors to a double-decker bus. Squeezing himself behind the wheel Biggins started the engine. The blazing headlights dazzled Skinny, freezing him to the spot. He stared horrified as the gears grated gruesomely and the big bus lurched towards him.
Satnav shrieked and trembled, terrified, in Skinny's sweaty palm. Blinded by the lights Skinny didn't see a figure running swiftly towards him across the tarmac ...

The man shouted “All you need is me Skinny” and grabbing him firmly by the arm...

[The Cat's Mother]

In the darkened depot Biggins laughed manically and wrestled open the doors to a double-decker bus. Squeezing himself behind the wheel Biggins started the engine. The blazing headlights dazzled Skinny, freezing him to the spot. He stared horrified as the gears grated gruesomely and the big bus lurched towards him.
Satnav shrieked and trembled, terrified, in Skinny's sweaty palm. Blinded by the lights Skinny didn't see a figure running swiftly towards him across the tarmac ...

The man shouted “All you need is me Skinny” and grabbing him firmly by the arm...

"Pete! Pete! Is that you?" cried BlindSkinny. He felt hungry. Wildly hungry. like he wanted to chase the taste of Pete over his gums with his aching tongue-tip. And quite possibly say "Om-nom-nom" or summat. What was it about Pete that aroused his tastebuds so? Could it be......?

"Yes, " Pete chuckled into the prickling flesh of Skinny's neck, making the man shudder deliciously. "I've been showering with Marmite again."

Skinny fair spasmed with joy, sending Satnav slipping from his sweaty hand and flying into the cab, bouncing off the fluffy dice and into Biggins' lap. "GPS signal lost!" exclaimed Satnav, as it sank into the meaty depths. There it consoled itself by scanning "Celebrity Voices" and selected....

[Kewpie]

"Pete! Pete! Is that you?" cried BlindSkinny. He felt hungry. Wildly hungry. like he wanted to chase the taste of Pete over his gums with his aching tongue-tip. And quite possibly say "Om-nom-nom" or summat. What was it about Pete that aroused his tastebuds so? Could it be......?

"Yes, " Pete chuckled into the prickling flesh of Skinny's neck, making the man shudder deliciously. "I've been showering with Marmite again."

Skinny fair spasmed with joy, sending Satnav slipping from his sweaty hand and flying into the cab, bouncing off the fluffy dice and into Biggins' lap. "GPS signal lost!" exclaimed Satnav, as it sank into the meaty depths. There it consoled itself by scanning "Celebrity Voices" and selected....

Louis Armstrong.

[The Cat's Mother]

Louis Armstrong.

Which caused Biggins to crash the bus at the thought of the late, great Satchmo, cheeks a-bulging, blowing away between his legs....

[The Cat's Mother]

Bumped because there are enough sordid minds on this forum to continue this thread, if only they were less ashamed.

[Franzanna]

Bumped because there are enough sordid minds on this forum to continue this thread, if only they were less ashamed.

I hadn't read the past page before. Oh, if only I'd known...

Anyway, the bus had crashed, unfortunately enough, off a bridge, into a wide, fast-flowing river. It washed the vehicle downstream, crashing it into rocks and off a waterfall. There, on the waterfall, something fell out of the bus...

[dunya]

...it was Satnav, of course. Carried by the current she flew gracefully over the edge of the waterfall, the cool, clear water washing away all trace of the sweaty environs she had recently endured. Satnav drifted peacefully downwards, dissolving in the blissful moment......and then woke with a jolt. Sensors jammed by a musical cacaphony she realised she was at a pop concert!
Satnav had travelled further than expected, she had materialised in the front pocket of a well-worn pair of denim jeans....

[The Cat's Mother]

...it was Satnav, of course. Carried by the current she flew gracefully over the edge of the waterfall, the cool, clear water washing away all trace of the sweaty environs she had recently endured. Satnav drifted peacefully downwards, dissolving in the blissful moment......and then woke with a jolt. Sensors jammed by a musical cacaphony she realised she was at a pop concert!
Satnav had travelled further than expected, she had materialised in the front pocket of a well-worn pair of denim jeans....

...belonging to Alain Whyte! :eek:

[Franzanna]

...belonging to Alain Whyte! :eek:

However, they were not being worn by Alain Whyte, because he had leant them to his good friend Cat Deeley. As it happened, Cat was not wearing them at that particular moment in time because she had just taken them off to...

[The Cat's Mother]

However, they were not being worn by Alain Whyte, because he had leant them to his good friend Cat Deeley. As it happened, Cat was not wearing them at that particular moment in time because she had just taken them off to...

Dance the Bolero in her knickers with Sir Trevor MacDonald.

[Kewpie]

Dance the Bolero in her knickers with Sir Trevor MacDonald.

Sir Trevor scratched his head, 'Errr, you dropped something' and pointed the finger at Cat's knickers.

[The Cat's Mother]

Sir Trevor scratched his head, 'Errr, you dropped something' and pointed the finger at Cat's knickers.

The quick-thinking Ms Deeley typed the location of her fallen foundationwear into Satnav and was soon half-decent again. Sir Trevor looked impressed. "Can you get me back home in time for Test Match Special?" he asked Satnav. "I'd hate to miss our boys in action at the crease."

[Barking]

Sir Trevor scratched his head, 'Errr, you dropped something' and pointed the finger at Cat's knickers.

You're a bit rude, aren't you?, said Cat, who left in a huff only to be replaced by her Twin, the Cat's Mother, leaving people with a bad cold ample time to google Sir Trevor at home instead of doing serious stuff.

"Are you a d.j as well, like your sister is?", a stalker asked TCM as she glided on the dancefloor to the rhythm of "Conga" by the late and great Gloria Estefan.

"Indeed I am." boasted the Cat's Mobster.

"Can you play "starz in their eyes" then instead of dancing like Baloo high on Chili?"

"You're a bit rude, aren't you?" The Cat's mother was about to say, when a hot air balloon approched the nightclub.

"Well if it isn't James Maker!" Exclaimed the stalker, who'd just been to the Cot and Fuddle in search of a celebrity to pester and who felt the stars were with him again. "What are you doing here, old chap?" he asked JM (who conveniently had the same initials as...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

"Well if it isn't James Maker!" Exclaimed the stalker, who'd just been to the Cot and Fuddle in search of a celebrity to pester and who felt the stars were with him again. "What are you doing here, old chap?" he asked JM (who conveniently had the same initials as...

Joel Madden of Good Charlotte fame, who was watching the scene unfold with increasing perplexity and wondering why he had nothing better to do. Had his life really gone downhill so quickly? As Joel was pontificating, he felt an arm come around his shoulder. He looked down in shock, and saw that the hand was holding...

[The Cat's Mother]

You're a bit rude, aren't you?, said Cat, who left in a huff only to be replaced by her Twin, the Cat's Mother, leaving people with a bad cold ample time to google Sir Trevor at home instead of doing serious stuff.

"Are you a d.j as well, like your sister is?", a stalker asked TCM as she glided on the dancefloor to the rhythm of "Conga" by the late and great Gloria Estefan.

"Indeed I am." boasted the Cat's Mobster.

"Can you play "starz in their eyes" then instead of dancing like Baloo high on Chili?"

"You're a bit rude, aren't you?" The Cat's mother was about to say, when a hot air balloon approched the nightclub.

"Well if it isn't James Maker!" Exclaimed the stalker, who'd just been to the Cot and Fuddle in search of a celebrity to pester and who felt the stars were with him again. "What are you doing here, old chap?" he asked JM (who conveniently had the same initials as...

.....Johnny Morris (since the non-Britons are already googling). Several ostriches and a camel strolled onto the scene and gurned amusingly at the stalker, who turned out to be an elephant.

The elephant glanced at TCM and then addressed James.

"You Maker?" trumpeted the jumbo, as Johnny translated.

"No," answered James, nervously. "She's entirely her own construct, so far as I can tell." At which Sir Trevor decked him for bastardising the only half-decent Jamaican joke in existence.

[Barking]

Joel Madden of Good Charlotte looked down in shock, and saw that the hand was holding...


.....Johnny Morris.

-Why is it you've got this man in your hand? asked James Maker, who didn't have time to google anything because of hot air balloon time zones mixing him up, thank you very much.

-Why do you ask? Are you Ma Baker?

-Uh? Said James Maker.

-Mamamamama Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Baker! repeated the elephant, exasperated.

-Not at all!

- A Jamaican in Roma?

-What the-

-"REGGAE NIGHT!" Shouted the elephant.

-Jesus, are you an elephant, or a jukebox, and if you are both, why do you fancy my mate Morrissey? James Maker asked angrily.

[Barking]

...The elephant didn't bother answering that one, but instead told a Jamaican joke as found on the Jamaicanjokes website, for yes, there was such a ting.

"Sunday morning in Bronx, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a Jamaican.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the Jamaican), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The Jamaican crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

-That's not even remotely funny, said Morrissey's Maker, while The Cat's Mother high on a turnip was rolling on the floor.

-What not even the fact that he crosses his legs, or even, the Black Cloud bit?, asked the elephant, who was most interested in interpreting Morrissey lyrics as Signs of the Apocalypse.


Speaking of which...

[Franzanna]

...The elephant didn't bother answering that one, but instead told a Jamaican joke as found on the Jamaicanjokes website, for yes, there was such a ting.

"Sunday morning in Bronx, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a Jamaican.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the Jamaican), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The Jamaican crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

-That's not even remotely funny, said Morrissey's Maker, while The Cat's Mother high on a turnip was rolling on the floor.

-What not even the fact that he crosses his legs, or even, the Black Cloud bit?, asked the elephant, who was most interested in interpreting Morrissey lyrics as Signs of the Apocalypse.


Speaking of which...

There was a loud kaboom outside, closely followed by a kapow. Flames could be seen outside from within the club. All the patrons screamed and ran out.
'Stupid people,' said James Maker, who, along with the elephant, Joel and Johnny, had stayed inside. 'Can't they tell the world's ending outside?'

[Barking]

The Cat's Mother then returned from the toilet she'd just gone to inspect (for she was a Yorshire police inspector and she'd heard that Rita Racoon, Hull's most famous drug-dealing prostitute, was there with a client and up to no good. Alas, no luck, it wasn't her. But the toilets were clean, so the world could end: as far as she was concerned, she was at peace.)

-What's up peeps? she asked in the direction of the 3 J's and the big E.

-Not much, said Johnny, who was studying the elephant, for it was part of his job.

-Well Johnny, the world is ending a bit, said James, rolling his eyes.

-Really? -Where's my knitting? said TCM, who kept a level head at all times.

-What you gonna do, knit the elephant a scarf? asked James, who was always cranky when he skipped breakfast.

-Oh thank you, said the elephant, who didn't understand irony very well, as there was no such thing where he came from.

-Jolly good idea, an end of the world knitting club! Why not start a thread while we're at it! said James, imitating Morrissey, for he thought it gave sarcasm more street cred.

-You can't imitate Morrissey, said the elephant disdainfully.

-Oh really, Fatso? He's me best mate and I can't do him? Is that it? IS THAT IT? (James was up for a fight with something big. These were nervous times.)

They all waited for the enormity the big thing wouldn't fail to come up with.

-You're not even a fan, pouted the elephant. You don't even have what I have.

-I didn't know the elephants could pout, remarked Johnny, professionally enough.

-You don't know shit, replied the pachyderm pleasantly.

The tension was by now visibly mounting, so much so that TCM looked up from her knitting.

-Has Babar walked in? Have I missed summat? she asked nicely.

-Not really. Fatty Arbuckle here is about to tell us what it's got, said James.

-He'd better hurry, because the zombies are gonna be back soon to eat us, said Joel grimly, whereas noone'd asked for his opinion and nobody knew who he was, even.

-I have got a tattoooooooooooooooooooooo, said the elephant.

-Can we see? asked TCM, always interested in graphic details.

-Sure!

The elephant proceeded to roll up the sleeve of his XXXXXXXXXXXXXL Morrissey T. shirt.

They all came closer to look at it, even James, who pretended not to care. The inscription they stonely read (for Jimmy Cliff, who was hiding behind the bar, had been exhaling for a while now) read:

"I am human, and I need to be loved"

They all laughed hysterically. James was the first to speak.

-Ha ha ha! There just a tiny problem with that, Fatty.

-Oh yeah? And what's that? asked the elephant, rather vexed.

-Well you're not, you know, ...human, whispered Johnny, who didn't like to hurt animals, but who knew a lot about Biology (his best friends being Roderick the rat, a doctor, and GP, a window-cleaner from Monmouthshire.)

-HA! said the elephant. Well if I'm not human, how come I can do what humans do?

-Like what?

-Like surf!

-That doesn't prove you're human; so can Silvio Berlusconi, yawned James, who'd been to Italy with the Smiths.

-Surf the internet! The internet, I meant!

They all laughed.

-Silly, any animal can do that!

-Even Morrissey can, grinned James, who knew his friend very well.

-Well I can...I can...I can SING!

They all fell silent.

-Well go on then, sing one of mine, shouted Michael Stipe from the toilet he was still cleaning, causing the Cat's Mother's heart to flutter, for cleanliness was next to Godliness, in her book.

The elephant posed dramatically and starting singing "It's the end of the world as we know it".

They all jeered and pointed, except Mr Stipe, who was a vegetarian and couldn't tell the difference with his own version, for he was flushing, and the atmosphere was rather merry when suddenly they heard a frightening and very loud voice demanding:

-Hey! No te diverties con Pachy!!!

They all froze in terror...

[dunya]

The Cat's Mother then returned from the toilet she'd just gone to inspect (for she was a Yorshire police inspector and she'd heard that Rita Racoon, Hull's most famous drug-dealing prostitute, was there with a client and up to no good. Alas, no luck, it wasn't her. But the toilets were clean, so the world could end: as far as she was concerned, she was at peace.)

-What's up peeps? she asked in the direction of the 3 J's and the big E.

-Not much, said Johnny, who was studying the elephant, for it was part of his job.

-Well Johnny, the world is ending a bit, said James, rolling his eyes.

-Really? -Where's my knitting? said TCM, who kept a level head at all times.

-What you gonna do, knit the elephant a scarf? asked James, who was always cranky when he skipped breakfast.

-Oh thank you, said the elephant, who didn't understand irony very well, as there was no such thing where he came from.

-Jolly good idea, an end of the world knitting club! Why not start a thread while we're at it! said James, imitating Morrissey, for he thought it gave sarcasm more street cred.

-You can't imitate Morrissey, said the elephant disdainfully.

-Oh really, Fatso? He's me best mate and I can't do him? Is that it? IS THAT IT? (James was up for a fight with something big. These were nervous times.)

They all waited for the enormity the big thing wouldn't fail to come up with.

-You're not even a fan, pouted the elephant. You don't even have what I have.

-I didn't know the elephants could pout, remarked Johnny, professionally enough.

-You don't know shit, replied the pachyderm pleasantly.

The tension was by now visibly mounting, so much so that TCM looked up from her knitting.

-Has Babar walked in? Have I missed summat? she asked nicely.

-Not really. Fatty Arbuckle here is about to tell us what it's got, said James.

-He'd better hurry, because the zombies are gonna be back soon to eat us, said Joel grimly, whereas noone'd asked for his opinion and nobody knew who he was, even.

-I have got a tattoooooooooooooooooooooo, said the elephant.

-Can we see? asked TCM, always interested in graphic details.

-Sure!

The elephant proceeded to roll up the sleeve of his XXXXXXXXXXXXXL Morrissey T. shirt.

They all came closer to look at it, even James, who pretended not to care. The inscription they stonely read (for Jimmy Cliff, who was hiding behind the bar, had been exhaling for a while now) read:

"I am human, and I need to be loved"

They all laughed hysterically. James was the first to speak.

-Ha ha ha! There just a tiny problem with that, Fatty.

-Oh yeah? And what's that? asked the elephant, rather vexed.

-Well you're not, you know, ...human, whispered Johnny, who didn't like to hurt animals, but who knew a lot about Biology (his best friends being Roderick the rat, a doctor, and GP, a window-cleaner from Monmouthshire.)

-HA! said the elephant. Well if I'm not human, how come I can do what humans do?

-Like what?

-Like surf!

-That doesn't prove you're human; so can Silvio Berlusconi, yawned James, who'd been to Italy with the Smiths.

-Surf the internet! The internet, I meant!

They all laughed.

-Silly, any animal can do that!

-Even Morrissey can, grinned James, who knew his friend very well.

-Well I can...I can...I can SING!

They all fell silent.

-Well go on then, sing one of mine, shouted Michael Stipe from the toilet he was still cleaning, causing the Cat's Mother's heart to flutter, for cleanliness was next to Godliness, in her book.

The elephant posed dramatically and starting singing "It's the end of the world as we know it".

They all jeered and pointed, except Mr Stipe, who was a vegetarian and couldn't tell the difference with his own version, for he was flushing, and the atmosphere was rather merry when suddenly they heard a frightening and very loud voice demanding:

-Hey! No te diverties con Pachy!!!

They all froze in terror...

..quite understandably thinking it was the voice of the Mighty One, ready to command the blowing of the Last Trumpet, signalling the end of all human stupidities and ushering in an age of endless peace on Earth.
:bow:

Thankfully, it was....

[Kewpie]

..quite understandably thinking it was the voice of the Mighty One, ready to command the blowing of the Last Trumpet, signalling the end of all human stupidities and ushering in an age of endless peace on Earth.
:bow:

Thankfully, it was....

not real.

The fragile peace was shattered by the arrival of...

[The Cat's Mother]

not real.

The fragile peace was shattered by the arrival of...

A huge pile of laundry. The Cat's Mother regarded it morosely and poked it with her toe. Perhaps she could put it off until after her coffee and Hobnobs, but it would still be there, like a soiled, worn sock-scented elephant in the corner of the room. TCM sighed and started pulling out pairs of jeans for the first load. Something fell from the pocket of a faded pair of skinnies and exploded into a flash of gold sparkles as it hit the kitchen lino. TCM dropped the jeans and recoiled, her face a picture of (slightly jaded) shock as a genie took form and hovered over the tangle of dirty clothes.

"I am the Primark Genie" boomed the genie, "and you're a bit of a cheapskate, aren't you? You can have three wishes but nothing costing over sixty-five quid. What is your will, O Mistress?"

[dunya]

A huge pile of laundry. The Cat's Mother regarded it morosely and poked it with her toe. Perhaps she could put it off until after her coffee and Hobnobs, but it would still be there, like a soiled, worn sock-scented elephant in the corner of the room. TCM sighed and started pulling out pairs of jeans for the first load. Something fell from the pocket of a faded pair of skinnies and exploded into a flash of gold sparkles as it hit the kitchen lino. TCM dropped the jeans and recoiled, her face a picture of (slightly jaded) shock as a genie took form and hovered over the tangle of dirty clothes.

"I am the Primark Genie" boomed the genie, "and you're a bit of a cheapskate, aren't you? You can have three wishes but nothing costing over sixty-five quid. What is your will, O Mistress?"

Hmmmmm... TCM pondered.
"Well, if you are employed as the Primark Genie, I reckon at £5.50 per hour you could clear all this laundry, gardening, bicycle repairs and have time to make tea for the family in the next eleven hours. When you are done I'll ask for my second wish. Thank you!"

The Genie bowed deeply and said....

[Kewpie]

Hmmmmm... TCM pondered.
"Well, if you are employed as the Primark Genie, I reckon at £5.50 per hour you could clear all this laundry, gardening, bicycle repairs and have time to make tea for the family in the next eleven hours. When you are done I'll ask for my second wish. Thank you!"

The Genie bowed deeply and said....


'Aw, why don't say you need a helping hand? You can choose a man servant or a maid'

[Kewpie]

'Aw, why don't say you need a helping hand? You can choose a man servant or a maid'

'I prefer a sexy man servant' said TCM.

'Aye...' Gaz bowed politely.

[Barking]

-Gaz? What you doing here? Oh! I know! Haven't Supergrass split up? remarked the Primark Genie, who was a bit if an indie kid, back in the days, and who was consequently mixing up Garys very frequently. (He also drank a lot to forget he had a shitty job at Primark, which didn't help at all getting hiz Garyz right.)

[Kewpie]

Gaz is Gary Day, not the one from Supergrass. :rolleyes:

[Barking]

Gaz is Gary Day, not the one from Supergrass. :mad:

...replied Johnny Morris, who had met Gary Day briefly in New Zealand in 1941 by mistake, while out looking for a Dinornis giganteus. (Which is completely silly, since those don't have tattoos.)

[The Cat's Mother]

Jeremy Kyle intervened. He was wondering if the thread could be saved by him sitting on the stage gobbing off at people. Two pregnant chavettes and a dolebird called Darren stared back at him, pierced lips undulating in mute protest at being torn off a strip by an amusingly articulate thug.

[Kewpie]

Jeremy Kyle intervened. He was wondering if the thread could be saved by him sitting on the stage gobbing off at people. Two pregnant chavettes and a dolebird called Darren stared back at him, pierced lips undulating in mute protest at being torn off a strip by an amusingly articulate thug.

HIM raised his hand,

'Jez, where is Kelly Katona, ffs? Go to Studio 7 and get her asap!'

[Barking]

Everyone who was not making coffee went looking for Kerry Katona ( sometimes without even knowing what she looked like :o). The elephant opened the door of a dressing room only to find Barking tenderly sharing a shoelace with a large, hairy bloke. They were both watching this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvMzX6biSHw

Eric Cantona, the picture of Gallic force tranquille barely looked away from the screen.

-"Wrong door, mate."

(Barking, who hated being interrupted when watching a programme about animals, simply :rolleyes:.)

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

Everyone who was not making coffee went looking for Kerry Katona ( sometimes without even knowing what she looked like :o). The elephant opened the door of a dressing room only to find Barking tenderly sharing a shoelace with a large, hairy bloke. They were both watching this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvMzX6biSHw

Eric Cantona, the picture of Gallic force tranquille barely looked away from the screen.

-"Wrong door, mate."

(Barking, who hated being interrupted when watching a programme about animals, simply :rolleyes:.)

...and turned back to playfully batting a rubber squeaky toy emblazoned with the image of David Cameron with one human-canine hybrid hand. The toy cried out in protest, desperately trying to prove its loyalty to Morrissey and his fanbase with a frenzied 'I'm OK By Myself-esque "Nooooo! Nooooooo!". But, it was all in vain. Eric rose fiercely from his armchair, purple-faced, and...

[Girl-with-the-Thorn]

C'mon, someone must have some storytelling ideas, surely? :p

[cornelius blaze]

...and turned back to playfully batting a rubber squeaky toy emblazoned with the image of David Cameron with one human-canine hybrid hand. The toy cried out in protest, desperately trying to prove its loyalty to Morrissey and his fanbase with a frenzied 'I'm OK By Myself-esque "Nooooo! Nooooooo!". But, it was all in vain. Eric rose fiercely from his armchair, purple-faced, and...

His opening sentence made Eric's face twitch mutinously whenever he ...... Eric rose and went to meet her eagerly, but she only put out her right hand with ..... It was all in vain. Kilmeny grew paler and paler, and her eyes revealed how ..... He strode fiercely up the lane, and Eric, with a shrug of his shoulders, ...